Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “Why, Cole? Why’d you have to go and do something so drastic? You should have called John and asked for help.”

  “My life has turned to shit without you.”

  “You know that’s not true… you’ve got the kids as well as Noriko. They all count on you and that must mean something.”

  “Who are they, Sloan? They’re all strangers who’ve invaded your space. Send them away.”

  “Your sons need a father. You can’t abandon them after everything you’ve been through to bring them into this world. Noriko doesn’t know anything about baseball or life in America. You can’t expect her to do this on her own.”

  “This wasn’t the plan, Sloan. It was supposed to be you and I raising the kids.”

  “Plans change, Cole. We have to learn how to roll with the punches.”

  “Dying is a better option.”

  “We’re not going to let you die. You’re going to get better, and when you do, we’ll discuss the future. The important thing is to get some much needed rest and rebuild your strength.”

  “Don’t leave me.”

  “I can’t stay here. The hospital will kick me out, but I’ll be back. I promise to come every day if you swear you won’t do anything dumb.”

  “What could I do? I can’t even move my hands, or haven’t you noticed?”

  I looked at his hands and arms and belatedly noticed the restraints. He couldn’t even scratch his nose without setting off the alarms. “I’m sure that this is only a precaution while you’re in the ICU. They don’t want you pulling out your lines by accident. I’ll talk to the doctor, although Noriko will have to insist since she’s your legal partner.”

  “Tell them you’re in charge.”

  “I can’t tell them that, Cole. I have no rights.”

  “Fuck!”

  He was starting to get agitated and began to pull at the straps that held him down. “Shh… calm down, shogun. Let me see what I can do, okay?”

  “Don’t leave me, Sloan.”

  “I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yes.”

  I made my way back out to the waiting room to discuss these new developments with Noriko and was surprised to see Eileen. She must have just flown in from the west coast and looked as miserable as her daughter-in-law. Her eyes were red from weeping, and she practically lunged at me when I walked through the door, screaming vitriol. “This is entirely your fault!”

  “How could it possibly be my fault?” I said, stunned by the accusation. Trent immediately came to my side and put his arm around my shoulder for support.

  “If you hadn’t been so pigheaded about Noriko and allowed events to unfold naturally, Cole wouldn’t be so miserable nor would he have tried to end his life.”

  “What about my happiness?” I said, raising my voice to match hers. “Doesn’t that count for anything?”

  “You were his partner and should have put his needs ahead of yours.”

  “I did that for years, but this was different. And really, Eileen, it’s none of your business anymore. The deed is done. Let’s try and pick up the pieces of this mess you and Ken created.”

  “Don’t speak about Ken when he can’t be here to defend himself.”

  “Will everyone please calm down and tell me what’s going on?”

  Dr. John Butterman stood on the threshold and looked puzzled. He couldn’t see us due to his own blindness, but he could certainly hear the tone of our conversation. “Is Sloan here?”

  “I’m here, John,” I said, moving closer to him. “Thank you for coming.”

  “Your message was very cryptic. Why is Cole here?”

  “He tried to kill himself.”

  “My God.”

  I led him to one of the sofas, and when he’d settled, he asked for more details. I told him the little bit I knew.

  “Is his wife here?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’d like to speak with her alone.”

  “I can talk to you, Dr. Butterman,” Eileen interrupted, “I’m Cole’s mother, Eileen. I know what’s going on.”

  “Do you live with Cole, Mrs. Fujiwara?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Then how can you possibly know more than his wife?”

  Eileen stood, angered by John’s question, and stalked out of the room.

  “Good fucking riddance,” I muttered under my breath. I left John and Noriko and went in search of the gossipy doctor. Trent held my hand the entire time but didn’t say much. His presence was all the support I needed. Spying our man, I called out to him. “Hey, Doc. Hold up.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Can you get Cole out of his restraints?”

  “The man just tried to kill himself. Don’t think he won’t try again.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “It’s a liability issue, Sloan. We can’t take any chances. I need clearance from his psychiatrist before I do anything.”

  “How long will you restrain him?”

  “Is the shrink here?”

  “He just got here and is talking to Cole’s wife.”

  “Not to be a busybody, but why is Cole married when he’s obviously still in love with you and gay?”

  “You’re the most unprofessional doctor I’ve ever met,” I snapped, losing all patience. Granted, I could have handled his question better, but I’d had enough of people sticking their noses in my business. “Turn on the TV and get your fill of gossip from the women on The View. Cole and I are not here for your entertainment.”

  “Don’t be so touchy.”

  “My friend almost fucking died, and you’re treating this like a soap opera.”

  “Sweetheart,” he drawled. “It was so Madame Butterfly… if you had only seen the blood.”

  Trent hit him square in the jaw, and the man went down like a fallen tree. He began yelling for security, and we were surrounded in about five minutes. On our way down to the hospital administrator, all I could think of was poor Cole, who was waiting for my return.

  Chapter 26

  IT WAS a long and uncomfortable hour trying to convince the hospital administrator that Trent wasn’t the unstable hothead they’d made him out to be. He pulled out all the stops, bringing up his military background, and threatened to countersue because of the attending physician’s lack of ethics. The man in charge listened in surprise as I recounted the conversation that led up to the incident, and he apologized profusely, visualizing a massive lawsuit. Trent backed down but requested that Cole’s current doctor be replaced. When we were told that it wasn’t an option, we asked that he be warned. If he’d acted like a professional instead of a Joan Rivers clone, there wouldn’t have been any problems.

  John was walking out of Cole’s room as I was rounding the corner, and I pulled him aside. “Did you get a chance to talk to him?”

  “He’s not very lucid at the moment. He keeps drifting in and out of consciousness, but I plan to return tomorrow, and for as long as it’s necessary, to get to the bottom of this.”

  “They won’t get him out of the restraints until you give them the okay.”

  “That’s to be expected, Sloan. It’s standard procedure for anyone who’s tried to commit suicide. We can’t ask them to take a chance without evaluating him properly.”

  “I can share what little I know.”

  “Why don’t you two go to the cafeteria and have something to eat?” Trent suggested. “I have some business that can’t wait, but I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Is that okay, babe?”

  “That’s fine,” I said, nodding. “John?”

  “It sounds like a good plan. Let me grab your arm so you can lead the way.”

  I held Trent back before moving down the hallway. “Thank you for being so understanding.”

  “See if you can’t help the poor bastard. No one else seems to know what the hell they’re doing.”

  “I’ll do what I can.”

  “That’s all you can
do, Sloan. You didn’t create this situation, and you can’t be expected to fix it. Lend your support so he knows he’s not alone.”

  “I’ll try and remember that.”

  “Remember this,” Trent said, pulling me close and surprising me with a passionate kiss. “I love you.”

  “Love you too,” I sighed, blown away by his understanding. I was seeing a different side of my master and loving this new person who was emerging.

  After John and I got settled with coffee and sandwiches, he began to question me. “How long has Cole been depressed?”

  “I haven’t lived with him in well over a year, but I know that he’s been miserable since his father died.”

  “When was that?”

  “New Year’s Day.”

  “That was two months ago.”

  “He’s been trying to get back with me, John.”

  “But you’ve moved on.”

  “Yes.”

  “Can you tell me how he ended up with a wife and children? The last time we had any sort of communication you guys were still a couple and very happy.”

  I gave him an abridged version of our breakup, starting with the introduction of Noriko and the proposal to be a surrogate. As I talked, I remembered all the decisions that Cole and his father had made without my knowledge, and I could feel my blood pressure rising again. Eileen’s accusation just fried my ass! Cole’s attempted suicide was anything but my fault. It was obvious that most of the choices within our relationship had been made for me rather than with me.

  “So he’s filled with regret,” John concluded.

  “I’ll say that’s fairly accurate.”

  “Cole has been conflicted from the first day that we met, Sloan. He’s had issues with being blind, gay, and the only male heir to the Fujiwara fortune. I’m not surprised that he chose the path to surrogacy after the new form of genetic testing became available to him, but I am shocked that he would think nothing of leaving the kids behind. He must be suffering from Paternal Postnatal Depression on top of everything else.”

  “Come on, John. He didn’t carry those twins.”

  John looked surprised. “PPND is more prevalent than you know. Many new fathers go through the same mental anguish that women do, and sometimes their results are far worse.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “Men don’t talk about it because they feel it would unman or weaken them in the eyes of their wives or society. It’s a very serious condition and can result in long-term suffering if left untreated.”

  “What are the symptoms?”

  “The signs of depression in men are a little different from the easily recognizable symptoms in women. Some of the more common ones are increased anger and conflict with others, reckless behavior, such as extramarital sex, ongoing physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches, emotional withdrawal, fatigue, and feelings of worthlessness.”

  “I’ve seen Cole exhibit several of those.”

  “It’s a good indicator that something’s not right. Recurrent thoughts of suicide and alcohol or drug abuse are also symptoms of depression in men. Sleep deprivation, which is an ongoing problem with new parents, can make you do crazy things as well. Add sexual frustration to the mix, and you have a man in crisis. There’s always a possibility of physical danger to the children. You have heard of mothers drowning their kids?”

  “Cole would never do that!”

  “No, I don’t think so, but did you think he’d be capable of hurting himself?”

  “Honestly, no. I knew he was upset that I wouldn’t go back to him, but I never thought suicide was his second choice. I’m in love with Trent, John. I can’t force myself to fall in love with Cole because it’s best for him. I care for him deeply and would do just about anything to make him whole again, but don’t ask me to give up Trent.”

  “I’m not. Cole is wrong to expect you to walk right back into a relationship that no longer works for you. I know how much you loved him, Sloan, and I appreciate what you must have suffered when he decided to go through with his father’s plan.”

  “It almost destroyed me.”

  “You mustn’t let this incident guilt you into going back to Cole. You both made your choices, and like it or not, he has to learn how to live with his.”

  “What if he tries this again?”

  “That’s always a risk, but you have a right to be happy, and his misery shouldn’t stall your plans. We’ll put him on antidepressants, and I’ll be available 24/7, if necessary, to counsel him.”

  “Do you think it’ll work?”

  “It can’t hurt, and people have been known to get better through a combination of meds and psychiatric help. It’s his only option. Even if you were fool enough to go back to him, he’d never be the same man. Too much has transpired, and there’s the very real issue of a wife and children who need him.”

  “Cole can’t see any benefit to having one or the other.”

  “Well, we’ll have to work on that, won’t we?”

  “How?”

  “Be a good friend to him, Sloan. That’s what he needs.”

  “A friend with benefits?”

  “Absolutely not!”

  “Thank Christ. I have no desire to hop into his bed.”

  “Cole needs to come to terms with so many other issues in his life. He doesn’t need any sexual ambiguity on your part.”

  “Believe me, there’s nothing ambiguous about this. I don’t love him that way anymore.”

  “Then stick to your guns. Don’t let him talk you into doing anything you’ll both regret.”

  Been there and done that. “I won’t. What should I do now?”

  “Let him know you have his back, but don’t give him false hope. He needs to accept your decision about the future. Perhaps he and Trent could learn to tolerate each other, and this way you could have some role in Cole’s life. He mentioned that part of the reason he was upset was because he had hoped you’d co-father the twins. If you can’t be their dad, you can certainly be a doting uncle or godfather.”

  “I can do that.”

  “Tell him.”

  “Okay.”

  We stood after that and went back upstairs. Eileen was nowhere in sight, which was a huge relief. It would be impossible to filter my rebuttals if she were to throw more accusations my way. Avoiding her was much better. Noriko had recovered some of her equilibrium since the doctor had told her Cole would survive, and for the first time since we’d met, I actually felt sorry for the woman. She was indeed a victim, just as Cole said. She didn’t deserve my scathing remarks any more than I deserved Eileen’s.

  “Why don’t we sit down and work out some sort of game plan,” I suggested. “Noriko, John is going to help Cole, and if you will let me be a part of this, maybe we can pool our resources and work together.”

  Her relief was palpable, and I felt a hundred times better for having overcome my childish need to lash out at her.

  “That sounds very good, Sloan. Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me until Cole is better.”

  “I’m sure he will recover now that you and the doctor will help.”

  “I’ll do the best I can, Mrs. Fujiwara,” John said reassuringly.

  “Please, call me Noriko,” she said, bowing from the waist in deference to John’s credentials.

  Chapter 27

  WHILE WAITING for Trent to get back, I asked to see Cole one more time. I wanted him to understand why we couldn’t let him move about freely. Although it was procedure, it still felt like punishment to me, and I didn’t want Cole kept in the dark. John’s theory on Cole’s depression made perfect sense, and I wanted to reassure him somehow.

  Walking back into his cubicle in the ICU was a sobering moment. Seeing the machines and hearing the noise associated with each one were grim reminders that no matter what had prompted the attempt, Cole had almost succeeded in ending his life. The thought of what might have happened overwhelmed me, and the tears came unbidden. I pulled up a chair a
nd rested my hand on his. He was still strapped down, but his fingers were free, and he lifted them by way of greeting.

  “Shogun, can you hear me?”

  “I’m not deaf, Sloan.”

  “Your eyes were closed. I thought you might be asleep.”

  “I’ve been asleep, but the pain in my gut keeps waking me up.”

  “I’ll tell them to give you more joy juice.”

  “That’s okay. It’s a good reminder of how stupid I am.”

  “You’re anything but stupid.”

  “I don’t understand how I couldn’t manage to pull this off. I stuck the knife in to the hilt, but I must have passed out before I could do any real damage.”

  “Thank God. The doctor said that if the blade had been a few inches to the right, you would have been a goner.”

  “I’m such an idiot. I should have just swallowed a handful of pills instead of trying to act like a fucking samurai. All I am is a pathetic blind man.”

  “There’s nothing pathetic about you.”

  “Say what you will. I know the truth. Where’s Freddie, Sloan?”

  “Oh shit! I bet he’s still in the apartment wondering what the hell is going on.”

  “You need to get him,” Cole implored. “Please.”

  “I’ll go in a minute, but I want to say something before I leave.”

  “What is it?”

  “I had a long talk with John, and he thinks you’re suffering from Paternal Postnatal Depression.”

  “That’s preposterous.”

  “That’s what I said, but he told me that it’s fairly common with new dads. Nobody talks about it, though.”

  “I have been really down since they were born.”

  “Cole, you’ve been out of your mind. You’re doing and saying things that are over the top and so not you.”

  He frowned and averted his face, but I could tell he was on the verge of tears again. “We’re going to fix this, okay? I want you to know that John, Noriko, and I are going to do everything in our power to make you better.”

  “You’re including Noriko?”