Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “She’s the mother of your kids and has a vested interest in your health. She should be a part of this.”

  “Maybe I am dead after all.”

  “Stop it. I’m trying to help.”

  “Does that include having you back in my life?”

  “Yes, as a friend.”

  He released a shuddering breath and closed his eyes, but it was too late. I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks, and I bent over and kissed him gently. “You’re not alone, Cole. I’ll always be here for you, but our relationship has to be different. You need to accept that before we can move on.”

  “What if I can’t? Some people don’t have the ability to bounce back from a breakup. I certainly have no desire to throw myself into the dating pool when I’m still in love with you. Why can’t you forgive me?”

  “I have, Cole. I didn’t realize it until tonight, but I can honestly say I’ve forgiven you for all the crap you put me through last year. It doesn’t mean we’ll get back together. Our romance is over, but you’ll always be my friend. Let me help you through this.”

  “You can’t watch over me day and night. The next time I try to kill myself, I might actually succeed.”

  “And it’s talk like this that puts you in the fruitcake slot and will keep you in restraints indefinitely. You’re going on meds and into counseling under John’s expert care. We plan on guarding you like a rare orchid. If I have to nag you into sanity, I will. There will be no more talk about dying. You have two little boys who need you, and damn it, shogun, you can’t desert them! Find those big balls I know you have and get with the program.”

  “You haven’t even seen my boys,” Cole accused.

  “I’m going to remedy that situation shortly. We’re going to your apartment to pick up Freddie, and I’ll meet the twins. Not that they’ll know one way or the other, but it’s about time I set eyes on them.”

  “I’m sleepy….”

  “Get some rest, Cole. I’ll be back with Freddie in no time.”

  “Thank you.”

  I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and left the room. I wasn’t sure how much of our conversation he’d retain, but I felt much more optimistic now that we’d discussed our feelings.

  Noriko agreed to accompany me to the apartment to pick up Freddie. He and Cole had never been separated, and the poor animal must have been frantic wondering what happened to his master.

  SHE UNLOCKED the front door, and I walked into an apartment I didn’t recognize. Every square inch was covered with baby paraphernalia, and the sounds of crying infants in the background added to the general confusion. Freddie was beside himself with excitement, running circles around me and barking. “Freddie, stop,” I commanded, bending down and patting him on the head. “Sit down and be nice.”

  He behaved immediately. “Do you have any rawhide treats?” I asked Noriko, hoping to give him a reward. I’d have to start buying them again for future encounters.

  “Yes, in the kitchen.”

  I followed her down the hallway, literally walking through a land mine of stuff. I had no idea what half of the items were or what purpose they served. It was like stepping into a reality series for hoarders. “Jesus, Noriko. Could this place get anymore cluttered?”

  “We don’t have enough room for everything.”

  “Why the hell don’t you guys move? It’s not like he can’t afford it.”

  “Cole wasn’t interested. Once we put his books and computer into the bedroom, there was no need for him to deal with any of the mess out here. He hardly ever came out.”

  “That’s half his problem. Do you have any idea how fussy Cole is?”

  “Is he?”

  Jesus… who was this woman kidding? Surely Cole had to have been as demanding with her as he’d been with me. “Didn’t he insist on everything being picked up and put away so that he could walk around without tripping over everything? Cole likes order in a familiar environment. Just because he can’t see doesn’t mean he’s not aware of every single thing he owns. This place is a dump zone for Toys-R-Us. Some of those boxes haven’t even been opened.”

  “It is rather chaotic, isn’t it?”

  “Ya think?”

  The kitchen was as bad as the rest of the house. There was a playpen in the corner with two dark-haired infants yelling their heads off. A Japanese woman in her twenties was trying to quiet them down by shoving pacifiers into their open mouths. They reminded me of little birds opening and closing their beaks, screaming “feed me” in their own language.

  “Sloan, this is my friend Tamiko.”

  “How’s it going?” I scrutinized the young woman, who looked weighed down by the responsibility. “Is this crying fairly common?”

  “They are hungry.”

  “Why haven’t you fed them?”

  “Noriko breast-feeds but didn’t leave me any bottles.”

  “I didn’t have a chance to pump,” Noriko apologized. “We left in a bit of a hurry.”

  “I’ll bet. Why don’t you feed them now? I can wait.”

  “Would you like to hold Niki while I feed Keni?”

  “I’ve never held an infant before.”

  “It’s easy,” Noriko said, reassuring me. She positioned my arms and placed the baby so that his head lay comfortably on my arm. The kid stopped crying and gazed up at me. The deep blue eyes were a replica of Cole’s, and I couldn’t help but feel a tugging at my heart. It was hard to imagine that Cole would turn his back on this innocent child who really had no control over anything in life other than what the adults around him could provide. I felt very protective suddenly. He was my namesake and, in essence, a responsibility I would be happy to assume. “God, he’s beautiful,” I said, looking up at Noriko in awe. “He’s a perfect combination of you both.”

  Noriko beamed with pleasure at my compliment. It was probably the first nice thing I’d said to her since we met. “Thank you, Sloan. Keni looks more like me,” she said, moving forward so I could have a better look at the other twin.

  “He’s adorable.”

  Her smile grew wider. “Keni takes after my side of the family. My only regret is that Cole can’t appreciate how beautiful his children are.”

  “When he’s back to normal, he’ll realize there’s much to live for.”

  “Are you going to reconsider his proposal?”

  “That will never happen, but I have always been and will continue to be, his friend… and yours, if you’ll allow it.”

  “That would be wonderful.”

  “Have you thought to ask if the unit next door is for sale? Maybe you guys could buy it and add some much needed space.”

  “Cole handles all of that.”

  “Would you allow me to investigate?”

  “If he gives you the okay.”

  “I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I think a large part of his depression stems from the disorder around here. You forget that he’s blind because he’s so smart. But stop and think what it’s like to walk around in the dark and bump into an unexpected object. It can be annoying as hell and very discouraging. Add that to the other feelings he’s had to deal with, like his father’s death, our breakup, his suppressed sexuality. It’s enough to choke the strongest of men.”

  “I never thought of it in those terms. I kept thinking he despised me and wanted me to go so you could return.”

  “I honestly don’t think he hates you, Noriko. He hates himself.”

  “Do you think he’ll ever get well?”

  “I wouldn’t stake my life on it, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I think that if we all put our heads together, you, me, and Dr. Butterman, Cole might have a chance to dig his way out of this dark place. I sure hope so.”

  Chapter 28

  WHILE NORIKO finished breast-feeding the boys, I went down to the lobby to try and get some information. The doorman remembered me and had no problem disclosing which units were available. I got a For Sale list and was surprised there were so many. In the past, these
vacancies would have been snapped up in a heartbeat, but the poor economy was affecting Manhattan real estate, and this could work in Cole’s favor. It was a buyer’s market right now, and he had several options.

  Finding a bigger place in the same building, where he could house Noriko and the twins, was the perfect solution, to my mind. He could take back his life, along with his sanity, and in the event he started dating again, he’d have someplace to bring a man without being subjected to Noriko’s scrutiny. I had no idea if he’d stay married or not. Being given carte blanche to cheat was unheard of, but Noriko seemed determined to help Cole find happiness within the framework of their unusual marriage. If he was lucky enough to find someone who was willing to play second fiddle to his wife and kids, then I was all for it. So long as it wasn’t me.

  By the time I returned, Noriko had showered and changed. She looked like the woman I’d first met, instead of a lost soul. Her hair had been shampooed and styled, and she’d even put on some makeup. Her outfit was understated but stylish. She’d obviously found time to shop in the last few weeks, despite being encumbered by babies and diapers. Her affinity for designer outfits was apparent in her choice of attire.

  “You look nice,” I said, trying to put her at ease. “Is that a Stella McCartney?”

  She smiled at the compliment. “You know your designers, don’t you?”

  “I know a lot of them personally. Is everything under control here?”

  “Thank you, yes. The twins have been fed, and Tami will watch them until I come home. I’d like to visit with Cole if they’ll let me.”

  “We’ll make sure they allow it. Come on, Freddie. Let’s go and see your master.”

  TRENT WAS already at the hospital when we arrived, and I found him chatting amiably with John in the waiting room. “You’re back,” he exclaimed when we walked in the room.

  “Mission accomplished. Freddie can resume his duties at Cole’s side. I’m sure this hospital has seen their fair share of guide dogs.”

  “No doubt,” Trent said, nodding. “He may have to go home for the night. I don’t think they have the facilities or the staff to care for a dog.”

  “Noriko can bring him back and forth, right?” I turned toward her, and she agreed immediately.

  “I’ll make sure he comes to visit every day.”

  “Good, that’s settled, then. How’s Cole?”

  “He’s asleep and pain free,” John stated. “We’ve started him on antidepressants, and I’m hoping that the drugs, along with my daily visits, will improve his attitude. It’s going to take several weeks to find the right combination for him, but we won’t quit until we do. Are you planning to stop by again?”

  “I can be here after four tomorrow.”

  “Then it’s a date,” the older man said with a smile. “Enjoy what’s left of today.”

  “Thanks, John. As usual, you’re going to save the day.”

  “You always were self-effacing, Sloan.”

  “Me?”

  “It’s one of your best traits.”

  “You’re absolutely right,” Trent agreed. He and John seemed to have grown quite comfortable with each other. “We’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  “I’ll be here.”

  On the way home, I told Trent about Cole’s chaotic apartment, my conversation with John, and his theory why Cole was suffering from depression.

  “It’s as good an explanation as any I’ve heard,” he said. “At least John will have a starting point instead of wading through a lifetime of conflict.”

  “Cole has always had mountains of baggage, but John is familiar with most of it.”

  “How did you deal with it?”

  “I loved him so much I was willing to overlook a lot of his issues. Plus, he was there for me when I needed him. My cutting was out of control, and Cole’s love gave me back my life. We were good for each other for a long time, but then the baby thing came along, and it all went to shit.”

  “I want to say I’m sorry, but I’m not,” Trent said, leaning over for a kiss. “I wouldn’t have stood a chance otherwise.”

  “Who’s to say we wouldn’t have met anyway?” We were standing at Trent’s front door and fumbling with keys.

  “Inside, babe,” Trent ordered. After we had closed and locked the door behind us, he deepened the kiss, and we stood there for a good three minutes, savoring each other. “I missed you,” he sighed, breaking the lip-lock.

  “You’ve been so supportive throughout all of this. I can’t thank you enough.”

  “Oh, I can think of several ways you can show your appreciation,” Trent said huskily. “You can start by getting on your knees.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said obediently, knowing how much it turned him on. He was rock hard when I unzipped his pants and tugged them down his legs. The boxers followed quickly, and I took him in my mouth, showing him exactly how grateful I was. By the time he shot his load down my throat he knew how much he was valued.

  “Come,” he said, taking my hand and heading to the bedroom. It was in the same state of disarray we’d left it when we blew out of the room this morning. “We should get a housekeeper,” I commented. “If we had one, the bed would be in perfect order, and I wouldn’t have to deal with changing the sheets.”

  “So get one. We can afford it.”

  “Really? Cole never allowed it.”

  “Cole who?”

  I laughed and threw my arms around him. “Do you mind fucking on crumpled bed sheets?”

  “I’d nail you on a tarp in the middle of a desert.”

  “That’s so romantic,” I teased. “How about showing me some appreciation, Master?”

  He started by pulling off my clothes, and when I was naked, he led me toward the bed and gathered me close. “How do you want it, babe?”

  “Face to face.”

  He worshiped me with his mouth, showing me how very much I was loved, and once again, I was reminded of all the little things he’d done today that were so unexpected. “I love you,” I whispered, seconds before he sank into me. He hovered over my body, resting his full weight on his elbows with my head caught in between, and his agate eyes sparkled like diamonds. He was just as affected by the moment, and it only reinforced the awareness that we were indeed soul mates.

  “I love you too,” he said, burying his cock deep within. “So… damn… much,” he huffed, timing the words with each thrust. He lifted one of my legs to his shoulder to gain better access, and I felt that ripple of sensation as the tip of his cock grazed my prostate. It was heavenly, and when he hit that sweet spot a few more times, I clutched his neck and came in a warm gush. His release came swiftly after, and he shuddered in my arms as his essence poured into me.

  “Love you,” I reiterated. “Thank you for being so kind today.”

  “It’s easy to be magnanimous when you’ve won the prize. I don’t think I’d be this understanding if you were on the fence about us.”

  “Is that what I am to you? The trophy at the end of the game?”

  “Was there ever a contest? I think my ego got in the way of my brain. I knew you loved me as soon as we got back from England. I should have acknowledged my feelings sooner so that you weren’t so uncertain about our future. Cole would have never been able to get to first base if I had been more forthcoming.”

  “I know. Do you think he’ll get over this suicide attempt?”

  “John and I talked about it at length while you were gone. You’d have to be at the end of the road, a step away from insanity, to do what Cole did. I’ve seen it before when I was stationed in Iraq. The suicide bombers had this look in their eyes, almost like the walking dead, zombies ready to pull the plug or the switch. The inconvenience of actually having to end their life was almost anticlimactic. Cole must have stepped over into that realm to attempt such an act.”

  “He said he’d fasted for two days, getting into a meditative state and cleansing his bowels so that there wouldn’t be a big mess, but he was shocked ou
t of his trance by the pain. Do you know what’s involved in a seppuku? He was supposed to run that blade back and forth across his abdomen and basically spill his guts out onto the floor. If that isn’t the most repulsive way to die, I don’t know what is.”

  “It would have been so much easier to dive off the Verrazano Bridge.”

  “I wouldn’t have survived the guilt.”

  “You and your goddamn guilt.”

  “I can’t control that part of my brain, Master. I’ll always feel something for Cole. It’ll never be the kind of love you and I share, but he’ll have my support whenever he needs it. I hope you understand that.”

  “Unfortunately, I do.”

  “And you’re okay with it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, I forgot to tell you.”

  “What?”

  “I saw the babies!”

  “Yeah?”

  “They’re so cute… one of them looks just like him. The other one is more Noriko than Cole.”

  “Please tell me you don’t want kids.”

  “I really don’t, but I’d like the opportunity to be a doting godfather.”

  “Is that what Cole wants?”

  “I think it would help the cause.”

  Trent sighed. “I suppose you’ll expect me to get on the diaper rotation as well. Do you have any idea how much you’ve changed me?”

  “Well, it’s a two-way street, sir. We’ve changed each other.”

  “Just remember who’s in charge here.”

  I began to giggle and laughed out loud when he cuffed me upside my head.

  Chapter 29

  I AWOKE to the soft touch of Noriko’s hand pushing back the hair that had fallen over my forehead. She’d never touched me without my permission, but I suppose that being in a hospital bed and recovering from a near suicide were reasons enough to break some rules. Was it better to pretend I was still asleep, or should I acknowledge her presence? It felt good to be caressed without any expectations. It was a part of my life I’d missed after Sloan and I broke up. He was an affectionate man, and while I had him, I never gave it much thought, but then he left, and I felt the loss.