Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “How long have you been here?” I asked, hoping she’d tell me that it hadn’t been that long. One of the things I’d regretted after awakening was the pain I’d put her through. She didn’t deserve any of this.

  “I just got here,” she said. “Freddie’s with me.”

  “He is?” I tried moving my arm out so I could pet him, but I was still strapped to a board. “Noriko, ask them to take off these restraints.”

  “Is there a problem, Mr. Fujiwara?” a stern voice broke the silence. “There’s a reason for the straps.”

  “Would you take them off for a few minutes so I can pet my dog? You can stay and watch in case you’re worried that I might turn into some sort of ninja and rip my way out of this facility.”

  “There’s no need for sarcasm, sir. I’ll be happy to remove the restraints for a few minutes.”

  “While you stand guard making sure I don’t plunge a dagger into my heart.”

  “This attitude will get you nowhere.”

  “Untie me, will you? I just want to pet my damn dog.”

  I felt a fumbling at my wrist and soon my hand was free. “Come here, buddy.”

  Freddie’s wet nose sniffed my hand, and soon I was running my fingers through his soft fur. “Good boy. You missed me, didn’t you?”

  He woofed an affirmative, and I couldn’t help but smile. I’d missed him too. He’d been a part of my life for over six years, and I couldn’t imagine doing without him. I knew that he would have been lost if I’d left the apartment under a shroud. I didn’t think of the people that would be hurt or the devastation left behind in the wake of my suicide, but coming out of that dark place put a different perspective on everything. It was like being reborn. The sound of human activity, the comforting presence of my dog, and the touch of Noriko’s hand were magnified, and for the first time in months I was happy to be alive. “How are the boys?”

  “They’re fine, Cole-sama. Sloan finally got to hold them. He said Niki looks just like you.”

  “Did he?” I was incredibly pleased that Sloan had taken the time to visit the kids. I had dreamed he’d be a part of their lives, and his decision to stay away had been one of the reasons I’d felt so isolated. Maybe something good would come out of this futile attempt to end a life that had no longer seemed worth living. If he would take a slight interest in my kids, it was possible that sometime in the future he might look at me without wanting to knock my head off. I no longer had any illusions that he and I would ever get back together. He was in a good relationship with a man who’d put him ahead of duty, unlike me. It was a truth I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. If I hadn’t come to that realization on my own, John Butterman was there to remind me in his usual blunt fashion. “Get over it, Cole,” he’d said, following it up with a hug and a smack on the cheek. I’d missed his tough love and was sorry I’d kept him out of the loop. If I’d only picked up the phone and sought his help, things might have ended differently.

  “Did Sloan really say Niki looked like me?”

  “Yes.”

  The twins had been around for two months, and I’d never thought to ask these questions before. Other than my initial query, I hadn’t cared enough to wonder who or what they looked like. The only things that stood out in my mind were the sound of their cries and the smell of their diapers. It was a horrible impression I needed to remedy. I knew what I looked like, so imagining a tiny version of me as a child was easy to do. “What about Keni?”

  “He looks more like me.”

  “That doesn’t tell me much, does it? They say you’re beautiful, but I’ve never seen you.”

  Noriko took my hand and placed it on her cheek. “You can see me with your hands,” she said softly. “You’ve never even tried.”

  She was right―I’d never bothered. Even that one time we had sex, it was cold and mechanical. I’d never attempted to touch her in a loving way. I wondered if she suffered from this neglect or if she had found romance outside our home. Not for the first time, I wished I were bisexual or straight. Things would be so much simpler.

  “May I?”

  “Please do.”

  I traced her full lips with my thumb and moved my fingers to her eyebrows. They were soft as silk and arched in a gentle curve. Long, thick eyelashes completed my mental picture. “Your eyes are hazel, right?”

  “Yes.”

  My hands continued to explore her face, feeling her straight nose that tilted slightly at the end. Her cheeks were smooth and rounded and felt like those of the babies. Noriko’s hair brushed against my fingers when my hand moved to her neck. “Your hair is long?”

  “It’s easier to pull it back in a ponytail than style it every day. I don’t have time anymore.”

  “I know the twins are a handful. Isn’t Tami any help?”

  “She is.”

  “Are Keni’s eyes rounded or do they slant?”

  “They both have big eyes that slant upward.”

  “What color is their skin?”

  “Tea colored.”

  “Not pasty white?”

  “No.”

  “Their hair?”

  “Jet black.”

  “So they’re going to grow up to be exotic-looking men.”

  “I think so.”

  I prayed they’d be happy as well as good-looking. Happy was an elusive state of mind I’d been chasing all my life. Settling for some peace was much more doable; however, my children shouldn’t have to settle. They would have choices I’d never been allowed, hampered by my failing eyesight and my father’s expectations. I vowed to give my boys as much freedom as possible, allowing them to decide how they would live and love. If I had been allowed to make my own choices, perhaps my life would have been different. Who could say for sure? Experience had taught me that to burden a child with a parent’s dream was a road to disaster. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all my kids.

  “What else did you and Sloan talk about?”

  “Space.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He said our apartment looked like a dump. He didn’t understand why we haven’t moved.”

  “I don’t want to move. I like our neighborhood.”

  “What if we got another apartment in the building? He said there were several available.”

  “I don’t know, Noriko. I don’t want to talk about this right now. “

  “Do you want me to go?”

  “It’s up to you. What about Freddie?”

  “He can’t stay, Cole. He’ll have to go back with me.”

  “Bring him tomorrow?”

  “I will.”

  “I’m sorry for putting this all on your shoulders.”

  “Please, don’t worry. I’m your wife, and this is part of what I do.”

  “You do everything for me, and I’ve never appreciated you.”

  “Maybe now you will?”

  God, I hoped so. If I could just stop thinking about Sloan and what we had, maybe I’d be able to move on and make a life for us. “Have you and Sloan put your differences aside?”

  “We are communicating in a more positive way.”

  “I suppose that’s all we can ask for given your history.”

  “I have no ill feelings for him. I wish he’d been more accepting of my role in your life. I never assumed I’d take his place, but he seemed uncompromising.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Sloan wasn’t in favor of this arrangement, and I never gave his feelings or his opinion any credence. This entire mess is my fault.”

  “What would you have done differently?”

  “Move to California. We could have had the babies over there without any need to marry.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So am I, but we can’t undo anything.”

  “What happens now, Cole? Will you push me out of your life as soon as you are better?”

  “I can’t think beyond my next pain pill, Noriko.”

  “I understand.”

  �
��I know this last year has been difficult, and I haven’t done a thing to make your life any easier, but I want to reassure you that my suicide attempt was not your fault in any way.”

  “Thank you for saying that, Cole. As for my life in Japan….” She paused, as if to get herself under control. “You have no idea what my life was like before. What I have now is infinitely better.”

  “Really?” God, what could be worse than living with a man who didn’t love you?

  “Someday I’ll tell you if you care to listen.”

  “I do care, Noriko, and I’ll listen.”

  Chapter 30

  IT HAD been a little over a week since Cole’s attempted suicide, and the doctors had determined he was healthy enough to go home. I’d made some changes in his apartment over the last few days, showing Noriko exactly how Cole preferred to live. We moved all of the children’s paraphernalia and Noriko’s things to the rental one floor up. I’d leased it for three months as an experiment. If order and serenity could be reestablished in Cole’s immediate surroundings, he’d be more inclined to start thinking rationally. It would also give him the privacy he deserved during his sessions with John, who’d agreed to visit Cole daily until he was sure that his patient was mentally stable. When that happened, John could cut back the visits to twice a week. The spare room was turned back into Cole’s study, and I returned each item to its original space. The contented look on Cole’s face was all the thanks I needed. When he reached for something that was where it should be, without bumping into a playpen, the relief was palpable.

  “You’re walking a little better,” I commented.

  “I feel better. The fire in my gut seems to be gone.”

  “That’s a relief. Did they give you any pain pills?”

  “They’re treating me like a nut case, so all I received were some extra strength ibuprofen.”

  “They’re afraid you’ll try to kill yourself again.”

  “I won’t,” Cole replied. He was leaning against a window and gazing at a vista he could no longer see.

  “Do you promise?” I needed reassurance as well.

  He nodded. “I’ll be glad when the semester starts. I need to get back to work and living.”

  “It’ll be good for you to be around your students again.”

  “Sloan, am I being selfish for wanting my old life back?”

  “Not if you find room in your schedule for your kids.”

  Cole turned to face me. “Are you planning on sticking around?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Will you visit regularly, or is it only until I recover?”

  “Cole, I’d like to remain friends and even be included in your children’s lives, but Trent is now part of the package. He’s my partner, and soon he’ll be my husband. Wherever I go, he goes. Can you accept that?”

  “I’ll never be okay with it, Sloan. You’re mine.”

  “No, I’m not,” I said as gently as possible. It was disturbing to see the signs of mental anguish again on Cole’s face. His eyes were brimming with tears, and he reached for me. “Please, Sloan.”

  I stepped forward, and he was in my arms and clinging. The deep sobs broke my heart and weakened my resolve to remain aloof and distant. Before picking him up at the hospital, I’d been uneasy and reluctant to be alone with him in case this happened. I had a feeling he might make a last-ditch effort to win me back. Noriko was upstairs getting things settled, and Trent was at work. This would probably be Cole’s only opportunity to plead his case without an audience.

  “There must be a part of you that still loves me,” Cole said, amidst the tears. “Why can’t you give me another chance?”

  I shook my head. “Cole….”

  “Sloan, I swear I’ll put you first. I’ll divorce Noriko, give her joint custody, and do right by her, but you have to come back to me.”

  “Those are things you need to do regardless of what happens between us.”

  He grabbed my head and kissed me. I tasted the salt from the tears that had dribbled down his cheeks onto his soft lips. I was filled with pity, and I would have given anything to make this easier for him. I loved Cole, there was no doubt about it, but I was not in love with him. Even holding him in my arms felt like a betrayal, and I had to be clear about my feelings. As John had reminded me, the last thing Cole needed was false hope. I pushed him away as gently as possible. “Don’t do this to yourself, Cole. It’s over.”

  “Why?”

  “We would have drifted apart eventually. It took the birth of your children to step up that realization, but you have to admit, our life was far from ideal. We wanted different things. The fact that you kept me in the dark about such a major decision was proof enough, and now that it’s all said and done, I’m relieved. I don’t want to be a full-time father. I guess I never wanted that, but I was too afraid to say it. It was much easier to blame our breakup on you. If I’d been more honest with my feelings, I’d have recognized that it wasn’t Noriko I resented as much as the idea of being encumbered by a life that doesn’t appeal to me. I’m not father material, Cole. I’m going to make a very good uncle, and I’ll do what I can to help you, but I want the freedom to travel and live a life I’ve only dreamed of in the past. Trent understands and accepts every facet of my personality. He’s never tried to change me or make me a better person.”

  “I don’t want to change you, Sloan. I love you the way you are.”

  “No you don’t. You love the twenty-three-year-old who showed up at your doorstep years ago. I’m not that needy kid anymore, Cole. I’m all grown up and ready to fly the coop. I make my own decisions―right or wrong―and have learned to live with them. I smoke, I drink, and I overindulge occasionally. The sex I crave is far kinkier than anything you and I ever had. I eat whatever the fuck I want. I don’t care if my nutrition is skewed or my breath reeks of beer because Trent and I are on the very same page. We brush our teeth and move on. It’s not a religious experience to keep ourselves physically pure. We want to live and experience life to the fullest, and I can’t with you. I have no desire to be your partner, but I do want us to remain friends.”

  Cole let go abruptly and stepped back. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

  “I wouldn’t joke about something as important as this.”

  “Your lifestyle with Trent is unhealthy.”

  “I have never been in a better place, mentally or physically.”

  “You’re destroying your lungs and your brain cells every time you light up.”

  “We don’t chain smoke―two or three a day at most.”

  “For now.”

  “Drop it, Cole.”

  “Does he make you happy?”

  “He not only makes me happy, he makes me feel safe. I worship him, Cole. He’s my Anam Cara.”

  “Your what?”

  “He’s my soul friend.”

  “Wherever did you pick up that word?”

  “From a very special man I’ll tell you about in a minute. You know, there’s another side of you that you’ve never explored.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about the Irish half that endowed you with those gorgeous blue eyes.”

  “You mean the fabulous eyes that can’t see shit?”

  “The very same. If you’d stop being such a negative asshole, you’d let me tell you what other men see when you walk into a room.”

  He paused for a second, just before he was going to throw out another zinger. Instead he looked at me and said, “What do they see, Sloan?”

  “They see a good-looking Eurasian with a kick-ass body. You’re attractive, Cole, plain and simple. The dark hair and the blue eyes are compelling, and you have a great smile.”

  “I’m blind, Sloan. People don’t see beyond the dog and the cane.”

  “You’re hiding behind your disability again because it’s easier than risking your heart. Believe me, I know. I was terrified after we split, but once I let go of my fears, my l
ife changed. It can happen for you as well. You’re extremely intelligent and the most learned man I know. People forget you’re blind once you start to talk. You’ve so much to offer the right person, Cole, and he’s out there waiting to be found.”

  “And how do you expect me to find him? I’m not about to cruise gay bars or do online dating. That’s never been my style.”

  “You don’t even know what your style is. You went from being Juliana’s fiancé to my lover. You’ve never had the freedom to explore your likes and dislikes. Don’t you think it’s about time you find out what Cole Fujiwara really wants in a partner? Not someone your dad pawned off on you or a hero-worshiping kid who badgered you into loving him.”

  Cole finally cracked a smile. “You were a pain, but I was never forced to love you. I did that willingly.”

  “And I’ll always be grateful that you let me into your life. You turned me into a healthy and productive individual.”

  “And you helped guide me through my darkest days. I would have never made it without you, Sloan.”

  “We were there for each other, Cole, but now it’s time to say goodbye to those two guys. You can find happiness if you open your mind to the possibilities.”

  Something must have clicked in Cole’s brain because he walked away from me, and the cloak of despair he’d been carrying around for weeks lifted like magic. He ran his fingers through his thick mane―a move I’d always found sexy. “You think I should cut my hair?”

  “Fuck no… it’s hot as hell.”

  “Is it?” He smiled.

  “You better believe it,” I said sincerely. He really was a good-looking guy, and it never hurt to hear a compliment. “Let’s catch a cab, shogun. I’d like to introduce you to a new friend.”

  “Who?”

  “He’s the one who told me about the Anam Cara.”

  I could see a tiny spark of interest. Cole’s natural curiosity and scholarly nature surfaced from the bottom of that pitiful cavern he’d been dwelling in for so long. We went to The Tavern. Trent and I had been stopping there almost every day after our visits with Cole at the hospital. We’d have a light dinner and a couple of beers and sit around the fire, enjoying Bryce’s company. He turned out to be much more than a bartender. He owned the place and had a degree in Hotel and Restaurant Management that he put to good use running his business. The Irish pub was always crowded with attractive businessmen who weren’t looking for a fast hookup. Most of them were older and successful, judging by their clothes and their manner of speech. I wanted Cole to get comfortable here, and maybe he’d think about coming on his own occasionally. It was a safe place to meet someone, and I was pretty confident that Bryce would keep him from falling prey to any assholes who might be lurking.