Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “For that very reason,” I said. “Cole didn’t want your help, and I needed you to make up your mind about the military without throwing Cole’s dilemma into the mix. But it seems I was too late anyway. You’d already decided and couldn’t wait to sign on that fucking line. Right?”

  “Wrong,” he said sullenly. “I didn’t make up my mind until much later.”

  “How much later?”

  “Forty-eight hours.”

  I snorted. “Before you left North Carolina?”

  “They wouldn’t let me go on the mission without signing up.”

  “So all that mercenary bullshit was a load of crap.”

  He had the good grace to look embarrassed. “I wanted you to come to the same conclusion I had without any pressure.”

  I sank down on the sofa, leaned back against the cushions, and shut my eyes. The magnitude of this discussion seemed too much to bear after everything I’d been through.

  I didn’t think I could ask, but I did. “What conclusion was that, Trent?”

  “You would do what was best for our relationship.”

  My eyes fluttered open, and I stared in disbelief. “You really believe that reenlisting is the best thing for us?”

  “If you want me to be happy.”

  “And my happiness? How does that factor into your grand scheme?”

  “Don’t worry, Sloan. I’ll make damn sure you’re so happy you won’t know which end is up.”

  “You’re talking about fucking.”

  “Isn’t that what brought us together?”

  “Maybe in the beginning, but I thought our relationship ran a lot deeper.”

  “I’ve asked you to marry me,” Trent argued. “I couldn’t be more committed.”

  “They’re only words if you can’t stay and be a true husband.”

  “You think I should follow you around on photo shoots like your personal fluffer?”

  “Whoa, where in hell did that come from?”

  “You’re pissing me off by insinuating that I’m not serious about marriage because I want to serve my country again. What in the hell is wrong with you? There are thousands of people who are happily married to military men or women.”

  His eyes blazed with the same inner fire I saw the night he came home from the club. He was fighting for a career he loved, but he wanted me as part of the package, and I knew it wouldn’t work.

  “Listen, Trent. I take back every nasty thing I said about the military when you first broached the subject. There’s a need for men like you and the loved ones who support them. Unfortunately, I’m not cut out for such a noble job. Furthermore, your sudden decision has left no time for my brain to catch up. It would have been different if we’d fallen in love while you were in the service, but that’s not the case. I want a man who’s around 24/7. I can’t, and won’t, subsist on crumbs. I’m sorry if that makes me sound like a selfish twat, but at least I’m honest.”

  “Sloan, my world has revolved around yours for the last three years. I believe I’ve proven over and over how much you mean to me, but I’ve been given an opportunity to finish what I started when I boarded that bus to West Point years ago. There’s a good twenty years left in me to devote my life to doing something I love. Don’t you get it? That includes making every moment count like it’s your last. There’ll be time in the future to sit at home, dust off the medals, and hang a flag outside our porch on the Fourth of July. At least give it some thought.”

  I looked into hopeful eyes that had always done such a great job reading me. Why couldn’t he understand where I was coming from? “I’ve done nothing but think about it.”

  I stood up, wanting to distance myself as much as possible. He had no idea how much his words had hit home. I did want to live my life to the fullest, but not his way. Chasing after my Army husband was the last thing I wanted to do after almost dying. I needed roots, a stable home, family, and a loving environment where I would thrive. Temporary housing on some godforsaken post wasn’t conducive to my mental stability, no matter how satisfying the sex might be.

  “I need to tell you exactly what happened while I was in Japan.”

  “Didn’t you already do that in your e-mail?”

  “I left out a few details.”

  The chill settled around him as suddenly as a polar vortex, and I practically recoiled at the difference in his demeanor. “You fucked him, didn’t you?”

  “Cole? No, I didn’t.”

  “Do you swear?”

  “On my mother’s grave.”

  He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. “Should we sit down for this debriefing?”

  Debriefing? Seriously? “I think it would be a good idea.”

  I went to the kitchen first and brought back two beers. I could use the liquid courage, and I was pretty sure that he’d want a six-pack after listening to my tale. I gulped half the contents of my longneck and then began to talk, starting from the very beginning. I left out nothing, paying special attention to all the tiny moments I started to see Cole in a different light. He only stopped me once, when I told him about the karaoke bar and the dancing.

  “He never took advantage of you?”

  “Never.”

  “Carry on.” Carry on? What the fuck?

  When I went into the gory details at Noriko’s and her flunky’s hands, he bit his lower lip, and unexpected tears teetered on his eyelids. He blinked them away rapidly. Mine were flowing by now, but I kept on talking, expelling the poisonous memories to try to find some mental relief. He pulled up my T-shirt and ran his warm fingers over the scabs, shaking his head in dismay.

  “I did everything he asked to buy time, to make sure I got to my phone and turned it on.”

  He looked into my eyes and nodded approvingly. “I would have done the same, Sloan.”

  “Here’s the thing, though. When I had to get it up to be convincing, I couldn’t do it by thinking of you.”

  He sighed and actually rolled his eyes, probably looking toward heaven for the patience he needed to deal with me. “You imagined Cole?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “He was a lot more present than I was,” he stated flatly. “It’s easier to conjure a mental image that’s more recent.”

  I was surprised by his matter-of-fact assessment. “Is that the main reason?”

  “It’s a part of it,” he said slowly, “but not all. You’re connected to him, Sloan, so thoroughly I’ve never been able to break the bond.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He shrugged. “It’s not something you can control. Your feelings for Cole are as solid as my connection to Uncle Sam. Illogical but irrefutable. I couldn’t walk away from my career any more than you can turn your back on Cole. He’s in your blood.”

  It was the last thing I expected from him, and the relief poured off me with my gulping sobs as I felt the burden of guilt lifted from my shoulders. He gathered me in his arms and held me for a very long time. I had no idea what he was thinking, but it felt good to be back in his warm embrace, even if I knew it was only temporary. I’d pretty much burned my bridges by admitting I had feelings for Cole.

  “Let me help you through this,” he said gruffly. “The best way to forget about death is to celebrate life. Will you let me make love to you?”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I said honestly.

  “Why not?”

  “I was torn up.”

  “We can hold off on penetration.”

  I shuddered and pushed him away. “I can’t.”

  “How many weeks has it been?”

  “Almost a month.”

  “You should be more than healed by now. Perhaps it’s a mental block?”

  “Probably is.”

  “Let me talk you through it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Meditation has always worked for you in the past,” Trent reminded me.

  “True.”

  “Why don’t we try to see where it leads?”


  “As long as you understand it might end up at a dead end.”

  “I’m not that insensitive.”

  In the past, I would have agreed, but ever since his return to the military, the opposite had been true. Trent had been too preoccupied with his own needs, and I wondered if my beat-up psyche would entrust him with feelings that were much too fragile. Nonetheless, I didn’t object when he picked me up effortlessly and carried me to our bedroom. I’d turned down the bed earlier, and the open window had let in a soft breeze, clearing away the stagnant odor of disuse. In the distance, the familiar sounds of New York wafted in: horns, an occasional siren, rumbling from buses and delivery trucks. He put me down and removed my T-shirt and boxers, then did the same with his own. He was broader in the chest than I remembered and baked a deep golden brown by the desert sun. The contrast between his tanned skin and blondish fuzz was hot, except I was unresponsive. He noticed at once and frowned. Laying me gently on the bed, he slid over my body, in between my parted thighs, balancing the bulk of his weight on his elbows.

  “Look at me, Sloan. Forget the motherfucker who tortured you and focus on my words.”

  “I’ll try.”

  Striking blue eyes zeroed in on me, and I could tell that Trent saw my reluctance to have sex as another challenge, one he hoped to overcome without too much effort. Courage and perseverance were synonymous with his name, and these characteristics were what made him such an asset to the military. They were qualities I appreciated when we first met. My life had been spiraling out of control, and Trent had offered the unwavering support I needed to get through my crisis. He had taught me that no one was indispensable and I could survive anything.

  That confidence had served me well at the hands of Noriko and her goons. I was certain I would have panicked under Kouki’s cruelty and most likely been killed if the incident had taken place before I’d met Trent. Ironically, it was my newfound strength that made me see my mentor in a different light. Trent wasn’t an ordinary guy. His ability to compartmentalize and put his personal needs aside for the greater good was the stuff of heroes. I had no trouble envisioning him as a five-star general or a public figure someday.

  I, on the other hand, had a more selfish outlook on life: husband and family would always come first. Was I asking for the impossible? Perhaps. Was it unrealistic to expect to be someone’s everything? I wasn’t sure, but what I did know was that Trent could never be that man. I loved him, yes, but I was no longer invested in the relationship. He’d made it pretty clear that I wasn’t his everything and never would be.

  Sometime during our travels, Cole and I had found our way back to each other. It had been a labyrinth of pain and it wasn’t over yet, but I knew in my heart that he was aware of the shift in our dynamic. We could reclaim the life we’d lost with a new understanding if we could move past our fear of failure.

  “Who are you?” Trent asked, interrupting my train of thought. Our meditation had always started off with this question.

  “Sloan Driscoll.”

  “Do you know how much I care for you?”

  “Um… I think so,” I said slowly.

  That made him pause. In the past, my answer had always been a resounding “yes.” Now, I wasn’t so sure what to think.

  “Are you beautiful?”

  “I was.”

  “You still are, Sloan. That bastard didn’t change anything.”

  “But the scars….”

  “War wounds, that’s all. The important thing is you won.”

  “I fooled the asshole, didn’t I?”

  “You handled it brilliantly.”

  “I never told Cole I submitted willingly in the beginning.”

  “He’d never understand.”

  “You do?”

  “Of course. There are no lines that can’t be crossed when death is your only other option.”

  “Are you proud of me?”

  “More than ever.”

  Slowly, Trent guided me through the rubble of bad memories, using positive reinforcement, and some gentle coaxing to help me regain my serenity. He was taking his time, almost hypnotizing me to leave the dark places still lurking in my mind.

  Unfortunately, when he tried to get physical, I froze. “I can’t do this,” I blurted out and pushed him away.

  “It’s just a kiss.”

  I slid away from him and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s all right,” he said. “We can try again later.”

  “No!”

  He was taken aback by the vehemence of my reply. “Why not?”

  I whirled on him. “Why? I’ll tell you why. The reason you’ve been able to help me in the past with this technique is because I honestly believed you wanted the best for me. Now I don’t know what to think. I guess the level of trust we once had is gone, and there’s nothing left between us but sex. I need more.”

  “It’s more than sex,” Trent said. “You’re just angry and resentful.”

  “Damn right I am! None of this would have happened if you’d put me first.”

  He looked guilty as hell, and his response was strangled, as if he were choking back tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  “You should be!”

  “I love you,” Trent said haltingly. “You’ve got to believe me.”

  “Your version of love is way different from mine.”

  “But no less meaningful.”

  “This is pointless, Trent,” I said. “I’m going to take a leak.”

  When I emerged from the bathroom, he was gone, leaving behind a noxious cloud of chain-smoked Marlboros, another sign of his changing persona. I wondered how long he’d stay in New York before heading back to the sandbox. Surprisingly, I was calm with the idea of him leaving again. I knew in my heart it was for the best. We’d carry parts of each other forever, but trying to change his mind or mine would be impossible.

  Chapter 27

  I HAD no idea how much time had elapsed since Trent walked out. It had been close to dawn when he left, and now the digital clock on the nightstand read ten o’clock. Half the morning was gone, and he wasn’t back. Where in the hell was he? Perhaps he’d gone to the club to take out his anger and frustration on some inanimate object. Or was he crazy enough to go over to Max’s place to ask for advice? Right. He’d get nothing but grief from that old fart. Had I revealed more than Trent wanted to hear?

  I tried to push the negative thoughts out of my head and went to clean up. The room reeked of cigarettes and Trent’s aftershave, and I opened the windows as far as they’d go. I stripped and remade the bed, getting rid of any tangible reminders of last night. I could still smell the lingering scent of his arousal in the air, and I wanted it gone.

  Thirty minutes later, I was showered and shaved, and when I heard the key in the lock, I went to greet Trent and froze.

  Cole and Freddie were right behind him. Flutters of panic began to beat against my chest like a trapped butterfly, and I hurried over and insinuated myself between them, pushing Cole behind me.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Relax,” Trent said gently. “I’m not going to hurt anyone.”

  “Why is he here?”

  Cole whispered in my ear. “It’s okay, we’ve been talking.”

  I whirled on Trent. “You went over to Cole’s in the middle of the fucking night to chat with him?”

  “It was six in the morning. He was already up.”

  “Christ.”

  “Come on,” Trent said, taking my hand and pulling me into the living room. “We need to talk.”

  “Should I make some coffee and lace it with cyanide?”

  Trent laughed and shook his head. “Coffee sounds good, but hold the poison. You won’t need it.”

  I looked at both of them warily. I felt like a lone piece of cheese in a cage with two hungry rats. “If you say so. Cole? Coffee or tea?”

  “Coffee is fine.”

  “How about you, Freddie? C
an I get you anything?” I knew I was behaving like a fool, but I was nervous as hell. Freddie woofed and happily wagged his tail upon hearing his name. “One rawhide coming up,” I said on my way out.

  I could hear them talking quietly while I was busy puttering around the Keurig machine. The words were muffled, but after I’d stopped pouring the water, I caught a few sentences. Kindergarten and nannies seemed to be the main topic. Once the coffee had brewed, I poured them each a mug, adding one sugar for Cole, a half teaspoon for Trent, and a splash of cream for both. My own mug was filled to the brim, and I dumped in two tablespoons of sugar and a miniscule amount of cream to give me the caffeine and sugar rush I needed to survive this confrontation. Christ, what was Trent plotting? Placing everything on a tray, I dug out a rawhide knot for Freddie and rejoined them.

  “Here you go,” I announced and laid the tray on the coffee table.

  “Thank you,” they chorused. I handed Cole his mug and went to sit down. This was fucking weird.

  “Cole saved your life,” Trent said without preamble. “You didn’t mention that part.”

  “I thought I had.”

  “Not once, but twice. He got that PI over to the hotel as soon as you were abducted and then ate the knife that skanky bitch was about to sink into your chest.”

  “Right.”

  Trent scrubbed his new buzz cut and sighed despondently. “He did my job because I wasn’t around.”

  “You had no way of knowing, Trent,” Cole said reasonably.

  “Nonetheless, as Sloan’s partner, I should have thought better than to leave when our relationship was in turmoil. If I had stayed, he would have caved and told me what was going on before you guys took off on your Mission Impossible.”

  “Maybe,” I said, “or maybe not. Cole asked me to keep it to myself.”

  “Which brings me to the next subject.” He turned toward me. “Perhaps one of the reasons you’re against my rejoining the service is because you’re not meant to be alone. You need a daily dose of love like other people need orange juice.”

  “Doesn’t everyone?” I couldn’t understand where he was going with this.

  He laughed ruefully. “Some people can be alone and others can’t. I know that what I’m about to say will sound like I don’t trust you, but it’s not true. Sloan, you’ve honored your commitment to me, and you, Cole, have respected the boundaries. You might have thought about cheating, but the fact is you didn’t. I’m trying to give you the same courtesy by being as honest as I can.”