Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  He stood and began pacing, his usual MO when he was trying to make a point. It broke my heart to see him so conflicted, but this was long overdue, and I was relieved he’d taken command of the situation.

  His face was bleak when he started to talk again. “I am a selfish and possessive man, and the thought of anyone laying their hands on you, Sloan, for whatever reason, is killing me; however, there’s no sense in denying it any longer.” He stopped walking and looked directly at me. “You’ll end up in Cole’s bed at some time out of sheer loneliness, and I’d much rather be in control than blindsided. In my own fucked-up way, giving you permission to be with him is better than pretending it’ll never happen.”

  “What?” Cole and I exclaimed.

  Trent raised his hands. “Hear me out before you both go nuts. I must have walked the streets for a good hour before heading over to your apartment, Cole, wondering how in fuck I could handle the idea of sharing. The bottom line is I have no choice. Sloan, I can’t stand to think of you alone and miserable while I’m out there chasing the bad guys. I could step on a land mine tomorrow and be blown to kingdom come, and then what? Who’d help you work through your grief? If you’ve got Cole on the side, I’ll be able to do my job without holding back on the off chance that I might get killed. People die when they start worrying about death.”

  “You’re not giving me a lot of credit, are you?” I asked through clenched teeth. “I will survive, Trent, with or without you.”

  “Obviously you have. But why be alone when it doesn’t have to be that way? Cole and the kids need you much in the same way you need me. You’re the one person he can trust to tell him the truth, and I’m the one person you can count on to get your head out of that awful place you hide in whenever you’re insecure.”

  I was stunned by his logic, even though I knew he was absolutely right. Did that mean he was giving me away? How could we reconcile this clusterfuck so everyone would be happy? Was it even possible?

  “What about you, Trent?”

  “I’m wired a little differently, babe. I can be alone for weeks at a time when I’m on a mission. I thrive on that shit, believe it or not, and I don’t have time for anything but my immediate goal. And if things keep going the way they’ve been going so far, I’ll most likely stay in it for the long haul. I’d always planned to be a lifer, Sloan. That’s a long fucking time to put your life on hold.”

  “I see.”

  “Do you? I need for you to be at peace with the concept of being with two men. Our relationship will change slightly, but different doesn’t make it wrong or right. Dominants share their subs occasionally, and I’m willing to give it a shot if you guys are.”

  I was struck dumb, and Cole’s profound silence meant he was shocked to the core. Never in my wildest fantasies did I ever dream of this scenario. “What exactly did you have in mind?” I asked tentatively.

  “You guys can work out the logistics on living arrangements. My only requirement, and there’s no negotiating, is this. When I’m in town, you’re mine 24/7. Any vacation time I get becomes your priority. You drop whatever it is you’re doing and join me. I don’t care if the kids have an important Little League game or Freddie needs his annual rabies shot or there’s an upcoming fire drill in your building. I come first.”

  Ah… that was more like it. For a moment there, I thought Trent had been abducted by aliens and the reasonable man in front of us was a clone. I turned to Cole to get some feedback. He and I hadn’t even talked about getting back together. We’d certainly felt a pull in that direction, but nothing had actually been said. Now a monumental decision was being thrust on him with hardly any warning. He must have been just as confused as I was. Suddenly, this was no longer about Trent and me; this was about us. Cole had to weigh in on this before we could move forward. I knew Cole as intimately as I knew Trent, and he was equally stubborn, selfish, and proud. Would he be willing to share? Would I?

  “Cole, any thoughts?”

  Cole cleared his throat and handed me his mug. “I have several.”

  “Shoot,” Trent responded.

  “If Sloan and I get back together, I want it to be legal, more for the kids’ sake than mine. He has to have complete freedom when it comes to any decision involving their well-being, and he couldn’t possibly do that without the right paperwork.”

  “You could give him power of attorney,” Trent pointed out.

  Cole nodded. “I could, but it’s not quite the same as being their adoptive father. If I die or get sick, I want Sloan to have full rights to the children. I don’t want my sisters to be burdened with their care. It’s not fair to them or the kids. I believe Sloan loves the children as much as I do and would want them to be happy.”

  “You know I do,” I said quietly.

  Cole smiled, seemingly encouraged by my reply. “Being legally wed would entitle Sloan to everything I have, and that includes medical insurance. He couldn’t get it by being a live-in partner, and you can’t provide it without marriage. One of us has to be his spouse, and it makes more sense that I be the one.”

  Trent stared at him, and his demeanor changed somewhat. There were two bright spots on his cheeks that weren’t there before. “You’re asking me to let him marry you? If he marries me, he can have all my Army benefits without a problem.”

  “But not full access to the twins and my fortune. My family can always contest a power of attorney if things go south. Money has a strange way of twisting people around.”

  “No one would know that better than you,” Trent admitted bitterly. “You said you had several concerns. What’s the next one?” The vein on Trent’s temple had begun to throb, and I could almost hear him grinding his teeth.

  “Condoms. I’m not crazy about sharing a man who’s having raw sex with two people.”

  I leaned forward. “Cole, what the fuck?” He would think of such a thing….

  Trent grunted his assent. “We’d have to suit up each time.”

  Cole stared at him with sightless eyes that were just as compelling as Trent’s. “One of us would have to, and since I’m going to be legal and around Sloan a lot more than you, it makes more sense that you wear the protection. After all, there’s no telling where you’ll have been in the interim, is there?”

  Trent clenched his fists, and for one second, I was sure he was going to deck Cole for insinuating that he’d be fucking his way across the Middle East.

  Instead, Trent reined in his temper and asked woodenly, “Next?”

  “I have a career, Trent, and although it may not be as exciting as yours, it’s important to me. I schedule my life a school year in advance. The only time I would have for vacation would be the summer months. You can’t arbitrarily show up in the middle of July and expect us to change our plans because Sloan has to be at your beck and call. That wouldn’t be fair to me or the kids if we had to postpone a trip to Disneyland, let’s say, because Uncle Trent is in town and Dada is otherwise occupied.”

  “I don’t always know when I can get leave.”

  “You’ll have to make it a point to know, or at least give us several weeks’ notice so we have time to adjust our plans.”

  “All right,” Trent said reluctantly. “I’ll make sure you have my schedule as far in advance as possible.”

  “Fair enough,” Cole replied. He turned to me and asked, “You haven’t said much, Sloan. Where do you stand on all of this?”

  I let out the breath I’d been holding since Cole and Trent began negotiating. “Honestly? Now that we’re being so fucking direct, I freely admit that I love both of you in completely different ways. Cole, you’re so much a part of me that losing you, especially after what we’ve just been through, would be like misplacing a limb. I’m not capable of surviving another amputation.”

  Cole was biting his lower lip, and I could see his eyes welling up. I moved over to his side and slipped my hand in his. I turned toward Trent, who was watching us expectantly. “As for you….” I shrugged hopelessl
y. “What can I say? I hear the words, but your actions prove otherwise. You’re willing to use me like a time-share, and that’s not my idea of love.”

  “Your buddy seems on board with this,” Trent protested.

  Cole had lowered his head to hide behind the screen of silky hair that fell across his face, obviously miserable but doing his best to hold it together.

  “I’m almost positive that Cole would rather not share any part of me. Am I wrong or right, Shogun?”

  He looked up, and I saw the tears. “You’re right,” he said softly.

  “Then why the fuck were you negotiating with me?” Trent asked.

  Cole turned toward Trent’s voice. “I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation.”

  I interrupted before things escalated between them. “Trent, the last time an open marriage was offered, I shot it down without hesitation. Granted, that scenario was entirely different. This time, I’d be the legitimate partner, and you, Trent, would in essence be the outsider.”

  “That’s if you marry Cole,” Trent countered. “You marry me, and he’d be your lover. Look, I’m not saying this is ideal, but we could have it all with a little cooperation from everyone involved. One person can’t possibly provide your needs, Sloan. What I bring to the party is something unique you’d never get from Cole.”

  “I’m not discounting that, Trent, but your no-nonsense approach to a relationship is a far cry from what I’ve envisioned as a working marriage. It’s being presented in such a coldhearted manner, I feel more like a piece of meat than ever. In the four weeks you’ve been gone, you’ve changed tremendously. Your left brain is completely dominant—cold, calculating, dispassionate. I’m having a hard time recognizing you, and in truth, this proposal of yours makes me feel like I’m another item on your to-do list that needs fixing before you run off to war again.”

  Trent’s full lips thinned out to a flat line. I could tell he was struggling to keep his temper under control, but I had to speak my mind so he could see where I was coming from.

  Predictably, he began pacing again. “Something is getting lost in the translation here, and I don’t know what else to say. You mean a lot to me, Sloan, and I’ve been given the opportunity to dig you out of the dark hole you’ve been buried in for years. I think I’ve proven that I can take good care of you, mentally as well as physically.”

  “You have always provided incredible sex.”

  “That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

  “I must be exhausted, because I seem to be missing your point.”

  Trent yanked me up from my spot on the chair and propelled me toward his chest, where I ended up bracing myself with both hands.

  In a steely voice that gave me goose bumps, Trent clarified. “What I’m trying to say is I know how to fix you when you need fixing, Sloan. My solution isn’t perfect, but its damn close.”

  “Because you feel guilty for springing your career on me with no warning?”

  “What’s wrong with that? At least I’m not leaving you in the lurch the way Cole did; I’m giving you a backup plan.”

  “Hey!” Cole protested, moving toward Trent’s voice. “I’ll thank you to keep our history out of your current dilemma.”

  “Shut up,” Trent barked. “Your damn history is the reason he’s fucked up in the head. Do you have any idea how long it’s taken me to get him to the right place? Months of meditation, long sessions of sexual therapy, exercise, constant supervision. Christ, he’s a handful but worth every minute! You should be grateful I’m offering anything after you dragged him off to hell and almost got him killed.”

  My head felt like it was about to explode with the anger and frustration I was holding inside. I wanted to tear Trent apart with my bare hands for treating Cole like everything bad that had ever happened to me was his fault. It wasn’t, and he didn’t deserve Trent’s vitriol.

  I had to say something or fur would start to fly. “I didn’t realize I was such a hardship, Trent.”

  “Don’t start with your bullshit, Sloan. If I didn’t love you, I would have walked away months ago.”

  “Isn’t that what you’re doing now? Walking away but covering your tracks so you come out smelling like a rose?”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not walking away. I’m trying to arrange our lives so you’re not miserable for weeks and months on end by giving you what you’ve wanted all along.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Cole!”

  “At no time in the last month have Cole and I talked about a reunion.”

  “Then Cole should step up to the plate. I know he wants you back, but he never thought I’d give him the chance.”

  “Stop talking about me like I’m not in the room,” Cole interjected angrily.

  Trent walked over to Cole and nudged him toward me. “Give it your best shot, buddy. It’s now or never.”

  I glared at the stranger in front of us—the one who’d made love to me countless times in the past and pulled out my demons like an exorcist. How could he morph so easily from considerate lover to crude asshole overnight? Was it possible to change so drastically in four weeks? I doubted it. He must have always been this way, but I had been too caught up in my own shit to notice. Wasn’t this as much my fault as it was his? I gave up thinking and decided some action was in order.

  Now I was doing the pushing and shoving, trying to get him as far away as possible. “Go back to your Army, Trent. Set your sights on a good soldier who can share your bed and your ideals. You’re a great catch, and I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding another lover. There’s nothing to be gained by hanging around here and insulting us.”

  “Are you turning down my offer?”

  “Yes.”

  “This isn’t over, Sloan, not by a long shot.”

  “It is for me,” I said sadly. “Please go.”

  Chapter 28

  THE FRONT door shut with a click, and I double-locked it for good measure. Cole was still standing where I left him, looking defeated. “Sloan, I’m sorry.”

  “Trent’s the one who should be apologizing.”

  “I’ve never been this close to his anger.”

  I hugged Cole and felt him trembling slightly. “And yet you stood up to him.”

  He shrugged. “What else? I don’t back away from fights because I’m blind.”

  “Try to forget all the hateful things he said. He’s frustrated on many levels.”

  “He wasn’t lying when he said I almost got you killed.”

  “Noriko was the villain, Cole, not you. Trent’s pissed because he’s not getting the results he expected. Think about it. He’s a major in the most powerful army in the world. When he barks out an order, people hop to. I’m sure he’d love to haul me across his knee and paddle me into submission.”

  “He must not know you as well as he claims.”

  I laughed ruefully. “You’d think after the laundry list of faults he recited, he’d have figured me out by now. Christ, I thought he was going to rip my head off.”

  “Has he ever hurt you?”

  “Never,” I admitted. “The last time he was this angry was after I boned you at the funeral home, but he never raised a hand.”

  Cole shook his head at the reminder. “That was a mistake.”

  “Which I paid for in spades.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I didn’t exactly push you away,” I assured him.

  “Trent must really be desperate if he’s willing to bring me into the fold.”

  “Desperate, guilty, ashamed—all of the above. I think he’s clutching at straws. He never dreamed I’d break our engagement.”

  “You can still change your mind.”

  “I know, but I won’t.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Other than the fact that I’ve fallen in love with you all over again, I really don’t do well in extreme heat. It gives me acne, the humidity makes my balls sweat, and then they itch
like crazy ’cause I get prickly heat. Plus, I don’t like camels. Have you seen their toes?”

  Cole laughed. “You’re impossible.”

  “But I make you smile, don’t I?”

  “More than ever.”

  “So why don’t you do me a favor and kiss me so we can get past this awkward phase.”

  “Am I really what you want, Sloan?” I could feel Cole hesitate after he circled warm fingers around my neck.

  “You’ve always been the one thing I wanted, Shogun. Please, don’t make me beg,” I urged, stepping a little closer.

  Cole’s mouth ghosted over mine, and I closed my eyes to block out everything else. The only sound I could hear was my heartbeat thudding loudly as I enjoyed the taste I’d been craving for the last few weeks. I was worried something might have changed after my recent contact with Trent, but this kiss eclipsed last night’s attempted intervention. It was more than a fusion of breath and saliva; it was reclamation.

  Cole and I had been through hell in the last several weeks, and the years we’d been apart since Noriko cleaved our relationship hadn’t been much better. Admittedly, I’d come out ahead, having Trent by my side, but deep in my subconscious, I knew it was a stopgap, a diversion to stem the bleed. The crack in my foundation with Cole had been repairing itself in tiny increments while we were rescuing the twins, a spontaneous regeneration that was wholly unplanned. Cole hadn’t set out to win me back, and leaving Trent had never been my intention. That we’d found the path back to each other without sex was even more significant. It reinforced my belief that we were meant to be together, and the clarity of this moment was exhilarating after so many weeks of wondering.

  We shuffled toward the bedroom, and Cole’s kisses turned urgent. I could feel his solid erection pressing up against mine, a physical affirmation of the abiding feelings he’d been trying to repress for the last four weeks. Trent’s powerful presence was evaporating as I finally let down my guard and allowed Cole back into my heart.