Finding Forever

by Linda Oaks

  “You don’t know shit, girl,” he said mockingly.

  My temper officially skyrocketed and went through the roof. I was sick and tired of his meddling and his condescending behavior. Even the sound of his scratchy voice made me want to stuff cotton in my ears so I wouldn’t have to hear him anymore. I’d had enough of his crazy old ass and of him laughing at me.

  “I know all about Jagger.” I seethed and reached for the door. I knew I should have pressed Devon for answers. My temper was starting to get the better of me. I wasn’t going to hang around and take any more of Clyde’s shit. I’d call Jake. Well, if he was even speaking to me since I’d upset my pregnant best friend. I was a horrible person. Jake was probably out of the question. Hell, I would walk before I put up with Clyde another single minute. My mom. I’d call her. She’d come pick me up.

  “You just think you know all about Jagger,” Clyde stated sarcastically, causing me to pause. My door was pushed halfway open, and I had one foot on the ground. What did he know that I didn’t? So, I yanked my foot back inside the cab, slammed the door, and turned in the seat to face him. Bluish gray eyes regarded me intently. Droplets of rain dripped from the strands of his hair, soaking into the collar of his plaid shirt.

  “After you left that day when you saw him in the hospital, it took Devon eight months before he could walk again. I bet you didn’t know that, did you?” he asked, and then continued on without giving me a chance to reply.

  “Two months after that, he was back in the garage determined and pushing himself hard while showing trucks every chance he got. Then, it happened. In my opinion, it couldn’t have come at a better time. That boy had lost all hope. He thought he would never walk again.”

  Clyde’s words held me captive. There were so many secrets, and Devon had always been one who tried to shoulder everything all by himself. “I didn’t know, Clyde,” I told him. When I left Crawley, I tried not to think about him, but that didn’t work. He was never far from my thoughts.

  “I did as Devon asked,” I informed him, feeling as if somehow I had to defend myself for my actions. Maybe, I should have tried harder. Tears began to well in my eyes. The thought of Devon never walking again and going through everything he had by himself made me want to cry.

  “There’s a lot you don’t know,” Clyde informed me matter of factly. “You need to listen, Kara, when I tell you… my boy cares about you. He’s like me in a lot of ways. When I was young, I let my girl slip through my fingers. I was a stubborn ass,” he stated with a tight smile.

  “Has your mom ever mentioned me?” he asked, the question coming completely out of left field and throwing me for a loop. Oh no, I thought, cringing at the sudden visual of Clyde and my mom. Clyde of all people. Really? Surely she had better taste in men, but then again, maybe not. She’d picked my dad after all.

  “I can tell by your expression, you didn’t know. Back in high school, we dated. Your mom was the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. All of the other guys were jealous that I was dating Summer Thompson.”

  The only man I’d ever known of was my dad or, as I liked to refer to him – The Jerk. Starring back at Clyde, I waited anxiously for him to continue.

  “Her senior year, your father moved here. I was a couple years ahead of her, so I’d already graduated and had gotten a job that required me to do a little traveling. Your mom didn’t like my job. She begged me to find something else, but I wouldn’t listen. Work was work, and I liked it. Somehow when I wasn’t paying attention, I let her slip right away and into his arms. He stole your mom away from me.”

  Clyde shook his head as if clearing his thoughts, his face solemn and grave. “Don’t let love slip away because you’re too stubborn of an ass to listen to reason. Know the man for his actions now. Listen with your eyes and your heart. Not just your ears, Kara. Regret makes for an awful cold companion and even worse of a bed feller.”

  I frowned at him, and he shrugged as if to say it’s true. This was just weird. It wasn’t as if he was just talking about having a relationship with my mother, but then he had to go and use the word bed. I was completely grossed out.

  “I’m human, and Devon is too. We all make mistakes,” he said seriously. “Blair may be Jagger’s mom, but Devon doesn’t love her. He never has, but he does love that little boy. She was a friend of a friend. Some guy who use to come in to the garage. He was around a lot, mostly every payday, always having Devon work on his truck. He’d started dragging along that girlfriend of his. I guess she’d had her eye on Devon. They’d come to the hospital. Then after the accident, when Devon finally got back on his feet, she started showing up at the garage alone. It was as plain as the nose on my face. I tried to tell the boy. She was always hanging around, but he wasn’t interested in her. Then it was worse after he started picking up sponsors and bringing in money. Devon was making a name for himself, and it was obvious Blair wanted to tag along for the ride. After a few weeks of her throwing herself at him, he set her straight, and she took off out of here like a bat out of hell, but by then things had already been set into motion. Devon didn’t give me all of the details of what had happened between them, but three months later, Blair waltzed right back into the garage bold as brass with a baby in her belly. If you ask me, she tricked him somehow.” He was shaking his head at me. Whenever he spoke Blair’s name, it was as if it left a sour taste in his mouth. “It was then I set that boy straight. Blair wasn’t the one for him. I knew it and he did, too. Everything the girl owns, Devon has provided. He would have married her, but I told him if he did, he would be making the biggest mistake of his life. That girl is no good for him. She takes care of that baby, and Devon keeps her here so he can be near Jagger. Right now, they have joint custody of the little guy.” He stared me straight in the eye and said, “Devon told me there was only one girl for him, but he’d let her slip away.”

  With that last line, I couldn’t hide the tears trickling down my cheeks underneath the scrutiny of his gaze. “I’m thinking that girl is you, Kara.”

  “But, Clyde—” I began, only to be cut short by his stern expression.

  “But nothing, girl. It is what it is,” he said, shutting me down. Then, he glanced in his side mirror and pulled the truck out onto the road. I guess that was the end of our conversation. Clyde was a simple kind of man. He thought things were black and white. There were no grays, no in between with him. Whenever I thought of Devon, all I saw was one obstacle after another. It might not have been so overwhelming, but with Devon fighting against me by keeping all these secrets… it just seemed so hopeless. He refused to open up his heart. He wouldn’t let me in. If only he would have told me about Jagger. I’d dated also since we’d been apart; when I’d realized there was no hope of us ever getting back together. Within the silence of the cab, I thought of the boy I had once loved and the man he’d become. It hurt to realize I loved the man just as much as I’d loved the boy.

  Clyde drove and neither of us spoke. The silence didn’t bother me, but my thoughts did and when I realized where he was taking me. I began to panic. “Clyde, take me home.” I protested, but he snorted at my request as if it was hilarious and then completely ignored me.

  We were close to Clyde’s house, but instead of him taking the dirt road that led to his two-story, white farmhouse, he drove a half a mile up the road and took a left, turning off onto a gravel road. “Where are we going, Clyde?” I asked, and he glanced over at me shaking his head.

  “I’m taking you home.” he replied, but I’d never been here before. He knew as well as I did this wasn’t the way home.

  “This is not the way to my mom’s trailer, Clyde,” I informed him angrily, but we continued to travel down the gravel road and up a small incline.

  He was pissing me off. I didn’t appreciate, nor did I have time for, an old man’s foolish games. Tonight, I was packing my things and going back to the city… no matter what. How I felt about Devon didn’t even play into the equation. I needed space
— I needed time to pick up the pieces and time to get my mind straight.

  Suddenly Clyde came to a stop in the middle of the road. In the distance sat a meadow surrounded by trees. Within the break in the tree line stood a two-story log cabin with green shutters and a matching garage.

  “Where are we?” I asked him, curiously, staring at the house.

  “Your home,” Clyde replied in a no nonsense tone, then the truck began to inch up the road taking us closer to the cabin.

  “Clyde, take me home now,” I ordered, but he stared straight ahead ignoring me.

  “When you think of home, Kara, where do you imagine yourself? In that big city you ran away to or at your mom’s, or do you imagine your home being here with Devon?” he asked as we sat in the driveway in front of the cabin.

  It was beautiful. Everything I could have ever imagined a home with Devon would be, but it wasn’t mine and neither was Devon. “He’s not here right now, girl, but there’s a key above the front door. He keeps it there in case of emergencies. I suggest you use it, and take this time to get yourself together before he does get here.”

  He turned in the seat staring at me. I didn’t know what to say. Clyde was almost as hard to read as Devon. He was a tough nut to crack. It was no wonder things between him and my mother didn’t work out. Talking to a McGraw man was like talking to a brick wall. “I’ll let your mom know where you are.” He informed me with a sly smile. “That way she won’t worry.”

  “You do know I have my cell phone, right? And what if Devon doesn’t want me here, Clyde? What then? He only asked me to spend the rest of the week with him, not the rest of my life.” There was no disguising the agitated tone of my voice. Sometimes, Clyde went too far.

  “You think about what I said. I’m going stop by and see your mom, and then I am going to make a trip to the garage. That should give you enough time to get your head on straight. I’m tired of this bullshit — the both of you tiptoeing around one another. You need to lay it all out on the table for him, Kara.” He advised. “Make him listen.”

  That was easier said than done. “What if he won’t, Clyde?” I asked, my head filled with doubts. “What if he only wants the next few days? Maybe you’re wrong.” I told him, feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of leaving Crawley and never seeing Devon again.

  “If I were a betting man, honey, I’d bet on you. You’re holding a full house, and you don’t even know it,” he stated with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “Now get on out of here. I got work to do.”

  Opening the door, I did as he ordered while questioning my own sanity. This was just asking for more heartache. I looked across the seat at Clyde. His eyes met mine. “Thanks, Clyde, but if I go for bust here and break the house, I’m never speaking to you again.” I informed him. Without waiting for him to reply, I slammed the door and walked toward the house.

  Hearing Clyde call my name, I glanced over my shoulder pausing. He’d turned the truck around and sat sideways in the driveway with his window rolled down staring back at me. “You know that never speaking to me again might be kind of hard to do!” He yelled, with a wide smile that stretched across his face. I was momentarily taken back. It was so strange. I wasn’t used to seeing Clyde smile, since his constant expression usually resembled a frown.

  “Yeah, why’s that?” I asked sarcastically, deciding to indulge the old man. At least, it had finally stopped raining.

  “It might be hard not to talk to your step daddy,” Clyde informed me with a shit-eating grin.

  My mouth fell open, and he appeared smug, taking in my horrified expression. Without warning, Clyde took off down the gravel road while I stood there stunned, staring after him.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  THE KEY WAS RIGHT WHERE Clyde had said it would be. Pushing open the heavy wooden door, I was anxious to see inside. I’d tried to peep through the gorgeous stained glass panels positioned along the door but wasn’t able to see anything. When I stepped into the foyer, the view stole my breath away. Wide and open, the vast room boasted tall cathedral ceilings partially obscured by crisscrossing dark wooden beams that stretched high overhead. It was beautiful and everything I could have envisioned and more. It was perfect.

  When Devon and I’d dated, we’d made plans. Always imaging our lives when we grew older — the 2.5 kids, a dog, a house, and a minivan. Contemplating how different our lives had turned out from those plans we’d imagined for ourselves was bittersweet. They’d been nothing more than dreams that were never given the chance to fly.

  The cherry floors beneath my feet gleamed within the track lighting strategically positioned in the overhead beams. With more windows than walls, the room gave the appearance of being outside rather than in. There were no partitions to separate the foyer, living room, and dining room. Most of the downstairs was on display at first glance.

  Slipping off my flip-flops, I walked toward a magnificent arched doorway and paused to stare down a hallway that led to even more rooms. I couldn’t wait to see them. There was a game room complete with a pool table and a bar that stretched across the entire length of one wall, a den which housed a library that I was quite jealous of, and a mudroom leading to a back door that I was sure would take me straight to Devon’s garage.

  As I made my way up the hall, I noticed the photos hanging along the walls. They were all of Jagger, except for a few that included both Jagger and Devon. My favorite was a black and white photo taken of Jagger and Devon on the beach. They were both smiling and appeared to be building a sandcastle. Trying to think positively, I imagined Clyde snapping that picture of the two of them. It was my daydream. Blair had no business occupying my thoughts as I snooped through Devon’s house.

  His home radiated comfort. It was cozy and definitely a place where Jagger could play and not have to worry about being messy. He could be a kid here. It was a home I’d want to raise my own family in… a home to dream in, to grow in, and to love in.

  Light gray and brown stones framed a single fireplace positioned in the far corner of the living room. An imagine of the three of us watching the snow fall while sitting before a blazing fire and sipping cocoa and roasting marshmallows came to mind. That was all I’d ever wanted — a home with Devon and children. I longed to be normal like everyone else since I never had a father around while growing up.

  There had been times when I’d actually been jealous of my best friend, Addie. She’d had what I’d been denied, what I dreamed of. Maybe it was human nature — the longing for what we could never have and holding onto some unrealistic ideal of how perfect our life should be.

  Trailing my fingers along the grooves in the staircase banister, I made my way slowly up the stairs, surveying the great room below me. When I reached the top step, my eyes were drawn to the length of the hallway and the large bay window wall that provided a breathtaking view of the tree line and the stormy sky above. This view couldn’t even begin to compare to the one at my apartment. My windows faced another depressing faded brick building. There were no trees or even a skyline. I kept my curtains and blinds drawn ninety percent of the time to avoid the peeping toms. The city was full of them.

  Clyde had told me to make myself at home. So technically, it couldn’t be considered snooping if I nosed around just a little bit more. The first room I came to, the door was standing open. It was a master bedroom. My entire apartment could easily fit inside of this room. When I noticed the wooden and glass display case chugged full of trophies, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind as to whom this room belonged to. It was Devon’s. Not to mention, the drum set in the corner was a dead giveaway.

  His bed was unmade. Dark, luxurious, gray sheets lay in a twisted tangle. A blanket appeared to have been casually thrown to the side and hung across the footboard. Unconsciously, I stepped closer to the bed and noticed an indentation remained in the pillow where Devon had obviously lain the night before. For a moment, I allowed myself to imagine him stretched along those very sheets —
sinfully naked, wearing nothing but a cocky grin. Just the thought made my breath quicken. He’d always known just the right way to touch me to drive me wild. The connection we had was undeniable.

  Feeling warm, I fanned myself and smiled as I glanced around the room and spotted a bottle of cologne on a nearby dresser. I loved the way Devon smelled. His scent was addictive; a craving that no matter how hard I tried to forget always won out in the end. No one else had ever compared to him, and sadly, they never would.

  I walked to the dresser to pick up the bottle and removed the lid. Immediately, as if on cue, heat simmered low in my belly and pooled between my thighs. Sex with Devon had never been the problem, but the ability to communicate had. A wistful smile curved my lips.

  “What’s that look for?” Devon asked from inside the doorway, jarring me from my thoughts and causing me to screech. I jumped. His cologne spilled and ran down my chest.

  “Fuck,” I muttered, lifting my head to meet his twinkling eyes in the mirror. He wore a sexy grin. “You scared the ever loving shit out of me,” I stormed, ducking my head until I managed to catch my breath.

  I needed a minute or two to collect myself, so I took my time placing the lid back onto the bottle, trying not to think about how good he looked in an ordinary pair of jeans and an old black T-shirt. He’d filled out in the last few years, the evidence obvious in the way his clothes hugged his muscular frame.

  My face was warm. He’d made me blush, something I thought I’d long since overcome and outgrown. Devon had been my first. I was no longer the shy little virgin, but it was mortifying that he’d caught me in his room sniffing his cologne like some pathetic pinning loser. Way to go, Kara! “You’re home early,” I said, hoping to distract him.

  “You never answered my question,” he replied, evading any attempt at having a normal conversation with him.

  Devon always did like to put me on the spot. I’d been so lost in my thoughts that it startled me when I noticed him now standing directly behind me. Even with the limp, the man must be part ninja. In the mirror’s reflection, our eyes met and held. I lost all train of thought as I found myself drowning within their blue depths. His thick hair appeared to have been recently finger combed. It was sexy. Dark shadowing stubble resided along the lower half of his face. Icy eyes peered into mine making it difficult to breathe.