A Heart of Little Faith

by Jennifer Wilck

  “That doesn’t surprise me at all, kiddo.”

  Claire twisted her fingers together. “I’m sorry I knocked over your lamp. I didn’t mean to break it. Are you still mad at me?” Her voice was quiet.

  All the air left his lungs. “I’m not mad at you, Claire. I know it was an accident. Do you think you could help me clean it up?”

  Claire jumped off his lap, and led him into the living room. Together, they discarded the lamp and moved the table into place.

  “Will you put the chair back where you found it, Claire?”

  “Okay. But this time I’m going to push it. It’s too hard to steer.” And she pushed it into his office.

  “Now, why don’t you tell me what you want for dinner?” His hands shook from relief.

  Afterward, they played board games and drew pictures. Gideon showed her how to draw a castle, and Claire spent almost an hour cutting out princesses and princes for it. Lily arrived when she finished.

  “Hey guys? How’re you doin’?” Lily leaned to give Claire a hug. She caught Gideon’s eye and smiled. Her eyes resembled moss today—cool and deep. Her lips were full and curved and moist, and he could taste their sweetness in his mind. He wanted to drag her onto his lap and give her a proper kiss.

  “Claire, can you go put those things away for me?” As the girl complied, he told Lily about Claire and the wheelchair. “I didn’t handle it well, and I’m sorry. I realize now I shouldn’t have yelled at her, but the image of her sitting there…” He searched for the words to explain how he felt. His throat constricted and his mouth dried up. He gulped and shook his head, unable to form the words.

  “It’s okay, Gideon. I understand.” She touched his shoulder, her warmth permeating his shirt. “Can I pay for the lamp though?”

  He shook his head. “It was ugly anyway. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Listen, about last night.”

  “What about it?” He wasn’t going to tell her how seeing her with Tony made him feel. If she wanted to spend time with him, well…

  Before she could respond, Claire ran in and hugged her.

  “It was fun playing with you today, Claire,” he said, grateful for the distraction. “Lil, Claire and I talked about her coming to the center again one day after camp. What do you think?”

  “Please Mommy, please?” Claire begged.

  “I think that would be great. Give me a call and we’ll set it up.”

  Claire climbed on Gideon’s lap and hugged him. “I had fun today Gideon. Bye!”

  Lily mouthed a thank you, and shut the door, but not before he saw regret in her eyes.

  ****

  Once again, Lily waited for the phone to ring; only this time, it was for Tony.

  By Wednesday morning, she still hadn’t heard from him. She’d spent two sleepless nights driving herself crazy as she tossed in bed. Each morning, her bed looked like a cyclone hit it—her sheets bunched up, her blanket half off like some lounging harlot. She dismissed her resolve to be patient, never a strong suit with her anyway, as she entered the office, closed the door and reached for the phone. As she was about to dial Tony’s number, it rang. She jumped and answered before the ring finished.

  “Lily Livingston,” she squawked.

  “It’s Tony. They got them.” His voice was scratchy, etched with relief.

  Lily sank into her chair in relief. The tension in her back and neck loosened and she felt supple again. “Really? Who was it?”

  “I couple of young guys posing as handymen in different buildings. They’d case the apartments, figure out which ones were the easiest to target, and make off with as much stuff as they could.”

  “Why’d they pick mine?” If these guys thought she was an easy target, who else agreed with them? Would it happen again?

  “Actually, yours was a mistake. They thought you had more valuables than you did. And, it turns out they left the most evidence in your apartment, so the cops were able to catch them quickly.”

  “Oh, that’s just great. Now, how come no one called me?” She drummed her fingers on her desk in annoyance as she remembered how worried she’d been.

  “The cops are busy collecting evidence, waiting for lawyers, and wrapping up their investigation,” Tony reassured her. “I know one of the detectives on the case, so he gave me a heads up a little early. They’ll be calling you shortly. The important thing is, it’s over.”

  Lily agreed and a huge weight lifted from her shoulders.

  “So I heard you have a free weekend. Any plans?” Tony asked.

  Her face heated. “I’m going to the baseball game with Gideon on Saturday. Samantha and I were supposed to go out Friday night, but she has to work, so I don’t know.”

  “Listen, there’s a new action movie coming out Friday. Do you want to go see it?” He sounded excited and it made her smile.

  “Ooh, blood, guts and shooting—sounds like just what I need to relax,” she teased.

  Chapter 13

  Tony arrived fifteen minutes late and out of breath Friday night. Wearing a denim shirt and khaki pants, he was handsome, despite the panting. “Sorry I’m late, but we had a minor crisis at the center and I couldn’t leave until it was resolved.”

  She bit her lip. Someone would have told her if it involved Gideon, right? “Don’t worry about it.” Lily locked her apartment and followed him, and his trail of aftershave, out. “What happened?”

  “One of the fathers broke his restraining order and attempted to see his son.”

  “Oh no, was anyone hurt?”

  Tony opened the door of the waiting cab for her and then jogged around the other side and got in next to her. The leather seat bounced from his weight as he sat down. Stale cigarette odors from the cab combined with Tony’s aftershave and made Lily’s eyes water. She rolled her window down a crack to let in some air.

  “Not physically, no.” He leaned forward to give the cabbie directions. “But I feel bad for the kid. You could just see how torn he felt, between wanting his father and being afraid to go near him. Plus, trying to calm his mother down, who was hysterical, and of course the natural embarrassment teenage boys feel around their parents to begin with…it was a mess.” He sighed, took out a handkerchief and wiped his forehead.

  “That poor boy,” Lily exclaimed.

  “Hey, I didn’t mean to bring you down,” Tony said at once. “You need to have some fun, especially while Claire is away. Come on, let’s forget about everything.” He patted her on the knee.

  Lily sat still and examined his hand. It was different from Gideon’s—darker, hairier and smaller. It felt different too. When Gideon touched her, currents of electricity ran through her body. He was her Atlas, holding up her world. Tony didn’t make her feel safe. As much as she liked him, she couldn’t picture herself crying in front of him or imagine depending on him. Tony’s felt like, well, a hand.

  “You really like him, don’t you?” He was looking at her, a satisfied smile on his face.

  Her face heated. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Yeah, but I wasn’t sure before now.”

  Lily sighed and stared out the window, frowning lips reflected in the glass. “I care about him a lot, but it’s complicated.” She was growing to care for the man more than she would ever have thought possible, but she was still scared. Claire loved him. What would happen if it didn’t work out?

  “He’s worth it.” His voice was quiet, sure.

  “I know.”

  “Does he know you know that?”

  “We haven’t discussed it. I don’t know how he feels about me. We haven’t done anything together that didn’t involve some sort of repayment for him taking Claire to that school lunch.” She snorted.

  “Gideon is a complicated guy, and he’s erected a lot of walls. But if you can knock ‘em down, you’ll find he’s the most loyal, loving man I’ve ever known. Don’t doubt how he feels about you. He wouldn’t spend time with you if he didn’t care about you, agreement or not. He just may
not be able to let down his guard enough to tell you his true feelings.”

  Hearing Tony’s thoughts about his friend just made her care about Gideon more. “I know, but sometimes, I don’t think he wants to like me, or go any further than we are right now.” Lily stared at her lap. “You know, I never thought I’d care for someone as much as I did my husband.” She massaged the finger where her wedding ring used to be and remembered the weight of the gold band against her skin.

  “And do you? Care I mean?” Tony watched her carefully.

  Lily heated. The flush started at her neck, and moved simultaneously across her face and chest. “I think I might be able to,” she admitted, embarrassed to be confiding in someone she barely knew, especially one who was a friend of Gideon’s. Then again, after what they’d been through together, maybe he was the best person to confide in. “But I’m afraid to let myself care if he’s not willing to care for me as well. Oh, I can’t believe I’m telling you all this.” She covered her face in mortification. “You won’t tell him what I said, will you?”

  Tony chuckled. “No, I won’t say anything,” he reassured her. “But you may have to face the fact that in order to have a relationship with Gideon, at least initially, you may have to be very obvious about how you feel. And very understanding.”

  “I will,” she answered as she got out of the car at their destination. Tony followed her out, paid the driver and they entered the movie theater.

  ****

  A refreshing breeze blew in through the window when Gideon picked up Lily to go to the baseball game. Martin Page played on the stereo and the Yankees were expected to win the game today. Yet despite these good things, Gideon was not happy. A frown furrowed his brow, his palms sweated and made the steering wheel slick and his jaw ached from being clenched tight.

  He’d never picked her up before, and as he pulled onto the FDR he was uncomfortably aware of how much like a date this appeared. “All that’s missing is a bouquet of flowers,” he scoffed. Ordinarily, they arranged to meet each other, but she’d have to take a cab or a subway to the stadium. Or drive herself. He didn’t like any of those ideas, especially since she’d be traveling alone to the Bronx. He’d thought about sending a car for her, but that was ridiculous. Better to drive her himself. It gave him a rare chance to use his van, anyway. He missed driving—the hum of the motor, the rhythmic weave between lanes, the leashed power of the machine. Still, he swore to himself. Traffic was brutal. Why had the city built a stadium in the Bronx anyway?

  He tapped his thumb on the steering wheel and shifted in his seat as he rationalized his actions. Friends drove each other places. Just because he was a guy who picked up a girl, didn’t mean it was a date, even if the girl was attractive. Especially wearing her hair pulled into a ponytail and stuck through the back of a pink baseball cap. It swung like a pendulum whenever she moved her head. Had he not been required to focus on the game day traffic all around him, he could have spent hours mesmerized by the hypnotic swing of her chestnut hair. His fingers itched to run through it and to wrap its silkiness around them. Her tight white shirt emphasized the swell of her breasts and her short jeans shorts showed off her creamy legs. He longed to bring her into his lap, flip her legs over his shoulders and explore all of the curves of her body until he’d traced every satiny inch of her. And she smelled delicious. He wanted to nuzzle his nose into her neck and disappear forever.

  He sighed as he changed lanes and prepared to take the Willis Avenue Bridge exit. He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for his predicament. He’d vowed not to date after his accident, and he’d kept his vow for three years. But then he’d made the stupid bargain with Lily. The bargain felt more like a date every time they did something together, and it just made him ache for what he couldn’t have.

  It should have been simple. And in theory, it was. But in actuality, he was unable to convince himself it wasn’t a date, especially since the more he was in her company, the more he was attracted to her. Like now. He was hyper aware of her—her scent, her sighs, everything. Not to mention people began to call them a couple. He groaned when he remembered the messages Steve sent him after their company dinner, complimenting him on his “date.”

  “Is something wrong?” Her words jolted him out of his reverie like a shot out of a cannon and he whipped his head around to her.

  “Wrong? Why?” He continued to stare at her until a car horn, and Lily’s gasp, forced him to swerve into his own lane. With a muttered curse, he focused on the road.

  “You groaned just now and you’ve been awfully quiet since you picked me up.”

  “Sorry, I was just thinking.” He searched in vain for a topic to talk about, and drew a blank.

  Lily ran her fingers over the buttery leather seat. “Nice set up.”

  “What?” He turned to her again, until she jabbed her well-manicured finger at the road. What does she mean? This isn’t a set up. It’s part of our deal.

  “Your van. It’s a nice set up you’ve got here.”

  “Oh,” he answered, his voice hoarse. “Yeah, it gets me where I need to go.” The van was specially converted with hand controls. A ramp and lift allowed Gideon to wheel his chair into the van. One of the middle seats had been removed and the driver’s seat swiveled so he could transfer from his chair to the seat. “I don’t get to drive it often. But I like the freedom. How was the movie last night?” He frowned as he asked the question. Great, distract her with thoughts of Tony. That’s an improvement.

  “Well, considering Tony picked it…”

  “Are you kidding me? You let him pick the movie?”

  Lily laughed. “Yeah, well, he really wanted to see it. Besides, he invited me. I couldn’t exactly say yes and change the movie on him.”

  “True.” Gideon relaxed a bit. Her description didn’t sound like a date. At least, not an ideal one. “Tony’s a great guy.”

  “Yeah, he is. We had fun. But I thought about you.” Her voice was soft, almost breathy.

  “You did?” He clenched his fingers on the steering wheel harder than before as he concentrated on the road.

  “I saw a preview for a movie I think you’d like, if only I could remember the name. It’ll come to me later, but we should go when it comes out. I think you’d enjoy it.”

  “Well, with that kind of description, what’s not to like?” Gideon stiffened. His biting sarcasm stopped him. Even he could hear how its tone could put an end to the easy camaraderie she’d started. He hadn’t meant to be sarcastic. The last thing he wanted was to offend Lily. The disasters seemed to accumulate around him today like autumn leaves in a windstorm.

  But the sound of her laughter interrupted his gloomy thoughts. It was low and deep, completely unlike her regular speaking voice. The velvety sound enveloped him and filled the empty places inside the van and inside his heart. His grip loosened, his shoulders relaxed and his cheeks cooled. For once, he hadn’t offended her. Maybe things were improving and maybe she wasn’t attracted to Tony.

  Hell, she’d thought of him while she’d been out with Tony. His chest swelled. It couldn’t be serious. And she wanted to go a movie with him, a movie that wasn’t part of their bargain. A movie didn’t have to be a date; it could be a movie with a friend. Who am I kidding? He took a deep breath and concentrated on breathing. In, out, in out. If he wasn’t careful, he’d start to hyperventilate. He swallowed. It was a beautiful sunny day, they were going to a ball game, and the rest would have to take care of itself.

  He gave her one of his most sincere, heart-stopping smiles and promised himself to watch his tongue.

  ****

  When they arrived at the stadium, they parked and took the elevator to the main level. As the doors opened, hawking calls of food vendors assaulted Lily’s ears, while the accompanying greasy, buttery scents made her mouth water and her arteries clog. After purchasing popcorn and beer, they found their seats. The last to arrive, Gideon introduced Lily to the eight others there—Joe and his wife, Veronica; Miche
lle and her boyfriend, Andy; Mark and his wife, Kim; and Bill and his girlfriend, Sue.

  “Lil, Joe is my boss, and Michelle, Mark and Bill work with me.” They all waved at her and Joe came over and whispered a comment to him. Gideon shook his head and flushed.

  They settled into their seats—Lily sat on the end of the aisle and Gideon sat next to her. Once settled, she leaned over to him. “What was that about?” she asked as she flickered her gaze toward Joe.

  Gideon cleared his throat and fidgeted in his chair. “Nothing.”

  Lily raised one eyebrow and twirled a strand of hair between her fingers. She was pretty confident the comment was about her. Just then, Michelle, who sat on the other side of her, leaned over.

  “Don’t worry about Joe,” she whispered. “He’s been after Gideon to let him arrange a blind date with someone. He’s always pushing the guys and making comments. Don’t take it personally.”

  “It must be hard for you.”

  Michelle snorted. “I can handle it. In case you’re wondering though, Gideon doesn’t rise to the bait.”

  Lily sat back as some of the tension drained out of her. She thought about what Michelle said. Familiar with office gossip and the different personalities forming a team, she now knew why Gideon brought her to the game. With a boss like Joe, he wouldn’t want to attend functions alone, even one as harmless as a baseball game. She glanced at him. His posture was stiff and his fists were clenched. His voice was tight and he contributed to his friends’ conversations with monosyllables. Her throat ached for him. She raised her chin, straightened her shoulders and joined in the banter, talked to Mark and Bill and answered questions about her job and Claire.