A Heart of Little Faith

by Jennifer Wilck

  Chapter 16

  Gideon awoke to muffled voices. Female ones. He opened his eyes with a start, and squinted as morning sunlight streamed through the window into Lily’s living room. He sat up and saw his glasses on the table and his shoes on the floor, where Lily placed them last night. I must have fallen asleep . His whole body heated with embarrassment. He had to figure out a way to escape with what remained of his dignity. There were giggles, lots of shushing, and Lily whispered, “Claire, Gideon is trying to sleep.” He smiled. Maybe it wasn’t all bad.

  “I’m sleeping in here!” he called out as he lay down and closed his eyes, sliding on his glasses.

  “Gideon, you’re awake!” Claire squealed as she ran over and hopped on the sofa.

  “Oof, you weigh a ton. What are you feeding this kid, Lil?”

  Lily leaned in. “Pancakes. Homemade. If you want any, you’d better hurry before they’re all gone.” She headed toward the kitchen and called over her shoulder, “Claire, come set the table. And hurry up; you don’t want to miss the camp bus.”

  Claire rolled her eyes at him, kissed his cheek, and bounced off the sofa. “Coming, Mom!” Gideon took his cue from Claire and got ready to join them, savoring the kiss.

  ****

  Gideon texted her that night.

  thanks for the pancakes and the massage

  you’re welcome. feeling better?

  He shifted in his chair.

  yeah. how’s Claire

  fine and asleep

  problem?

  apparently, being good while you were here was all she could handle, because once you left, she was awful

  sorry about that.

  He remembered everything Lily did for him last night. This is how I repaid her?

  don’t be, not your fault. But she drove me crazy today, and we were only together before and after camp. the final straw was when I rinsed her mouth out with soap and she laughed.

  you rinsed her mouth out with soap? He cringed as he thought of bitter soap taste and he pursed his mouth in disgust. wow, I’m glad you’re not my mom.

  well, she called me stupid.

  ouch!

  i’m tired. i’m going to bed. glad you’re feeling better. don’t forget, you owe me dinner.

  For the rest of the week, he and Lily spent every night on the phone together, talking or texting—sometimes both. When Lily spoke, he listened. He made her see the humor in things. It had been years since he’d had a relationship with a woman. He felt like a teenager again, albeit without the need to compete for phone time with his family. Before Lily, he’d used his downtime for extra work from the office, when he wasn’t at the center, playing basketball or seeing friends. Now, he valued downtime as a chance to talk to her. She talked to him like she would anyone else, without regard for his disability. She didn’t change her vocabulary, didn’t stumble over words like “walk” or “run” and didn’t apologize for discussing activities he could never do, like jogging. He could be himself with her and let his guard down.

  Almost.

  ****

  Lily and Claire met Kim, Emily and Adam Saturday at a playground on the Upper West Side. After an initial period during which the kids stared at each other, they played together all afternoon, which allowed the two women a chance to get to know one another.

  “I’m glad you called and suggested this,” Lily said to Kim as she munched on some grapes she’d brought for the kids to have as a snack.

  “Me too. I figured since Mark is working today, it would be a good chance for us to get together.” Kim glanced at the playground. The girls were at the swing set, pushing Adam. “The kids are having fun together. It’s always awkward when the parents like each other and the kids can’t stand to be in the same room together.”

  Lily nodded. “Yeah, play dates can be tough. They’re almost as bad as dating. It’s embarrassing when you have to ask some strange mom if their kid wants to play with yours.” She watched as Claire paused in her running to wait for Adam to catch up. “Claire loves having a little boy to take care of. She’s in love with babies and little kids.”

  “I noticed.” Kim smiled at Lily. “So, you mentioned dating. Are you?”

  “No. It’s hard with a child. I want to give Claire as much attention as I can, and frankly I just don’t have the energy to spend on finding someone who not only wants to date me, but be with her as well.”

  “So what about you and Gideon?”

  Lily fidgeted, plucking invisible lint from her clothing.

  “I’m sorry; I don’t mean to get too personal.”

  “No, you’re not; I’m just not used to talking about this. I feel like I’m in high school. Honestly, I don’t know what we’re doing. We see each other often, although usually it’s with Claire and Samantha in tow. We’ve kissed a couple of times, but that’s it. I enjoy being with him, but don’t know where we are right now.”

  “Well, I hope it works out for the two of you. From what I know of him, Gideon is a great guy, and it’s obvious to me he adores you.”

  “Really?” Warmth spread through her belly at Kim’s unbiased opinion. If only Gideon would tell her himself.

  ****

  That night, Lily, Claire, Gideon, Samantha and Tony met at Carmine’s in Little Italy for a celebratory pizza. Over a bottle of Chianti, they toasted the successful resolution of Lily’s case.

  “I want to thank you again, Tony, for all your help,” Lily said. Tears glistened behind her lashes. “I could never have gotten through this without you.”

  Gideon’s stomach clenched and he sat straighter in his chair. He focused on breathing and relaxing his suddenly tense shoulder muscles. There was no reason to be jealous. He was the one who called Tony in to help. Lily kissed him, not Tony. Still, he couldn’t help but wish for different circumstances.

  Tony smiled. “You’re very welcome Lily. I’m glad I could help.”

  As they resumed eating their pizza, Lily paused and held her slice in the air. “Gideon, you still owe me dinner.”

  He frowned. “What?”

  “You owe me dinner.” Her eyes sparkled.

  Dinner. He swallowed the pizza in his mouth. Their bet. What had been a mouth-watering combination of fresh mozzarella, spicy pepperoni and house-specialty sauce suddenly tasted like rubber. “I do?”

  “Yes, don’t you remember our bet?”

  He remembered, all right. But he’d hoped to keep it private.

  “What bet is that?” Samantha interjected, her eyes wide with curiosity. Gideon scowled at her as his neck heated under the stares of everyone at the table.

  “Yeah, what bet?”

  If only Lily would keep quiet.

  Lily rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe you don’t remember. How like a guy.” As Tony cleared his throat in objection, she paused and bowed her head. “Sorry, Tony, present company excluded.” She whipped around to Gideon. Her hair swung across her shoulders and she continued. “The bet we made about my giving great massages. I was finally going to get you to take me to dinner.”

  Gideon’s chin dropped to his chest as his dinner companions roared.

  “Did you give my brother a massage? Do tell.” Her expression reminded Lily of when Claire begged for ice cream.

  “She gives massages?” Tony asked Gideon. “Hey, Lil, what do I have to do to get one?” Samantha swatted him and he grabbed her arm and hugged it to his chest.

  “Yes, Gideon, what did you do to get one?” False sweetness dripped from Samantha’s voice as she grinned.

  “It was no big deal. I bet Gideon I was great at giving massages. Loser takes winner to dinner. End of story.” Now she wanted to lessen the impact?

  “So Gideon, was she good?” Tony asked as he bit into another slice of pepperoni pizza. As Tony folded the pepperoni slice in half and brought it toward his mouth, Gideon remembered Lily’s story about her dad. It was a private moment they shared, and he’d enjoyed it, almost as much as he enjoyed the massage. But his old insecu
rities reared their head and despite being surrounded by his best friend and sister, he couldn’t make the bet into more than it was. “Not bad,” he said as he reached for another slice himself. His fingers closed on the crispy crust. It was hard and stale. The flowery residue stuck to his fingers and he wrinkled his nose in disgust. “But I’ve had better.”

  At his response, the table fell quiet. Claire, who had been busy coloring her placemat, paused. Lily’s face froze. She choked as her cheeks turned a fiery red.

  “You know, I just remembered something I have to do tonight. Come on Claire, let’s go.” For once, the little girl didn’t protest. Lily slammed some money on the table, grabbed Claire, and stalked out of the restaurant. Samantha gave her brother a withering stare and ran after them.

  Gideon released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding and dropped the pizza on his plate. He’d totally blown it. His insecurities had gotten the best of him and he’d humiliated the one woman who meant more to him than anyone. He had no idea how to fix this.

  “You can be a real bastard, you know that?” Tony whispered. The horror on his friend’s face hinted at how bad he’d screwed up. Gideon’s jaw dropped. He’d never seen his friend this angry. Tony’s eyes were glaciers. Knowledge of his mistake mixed with embarrassment over having done such a thing in front of witnesses.

  “Was that necessary?” Tony asked.

  He shifted. “You don’t know…”

  “Oh get off it, man. Don’t give me your crap. All she did was mention a bet the two of you made. It didn’t have to be a big deal. You could have graciously gone along with it. Instead, you embarrassed her and made an ass out of yourself. Would it have killed you to take her to dinner?” Tony glared at him.

  His friend was saying everything out loud that he was thinking and his shame brewed. “Tony…”

  “Come on, don’t Tony me—”

  “Enough!” Gideon exploded. His anger boiled over. He slammed his fists on the table. Other patrons in the restaurant glanced over at them and he waited, chest heaving, until they returned to their meals. “It was a stupid bet neither of us meant. It’s not worth making an issue over it.”

  Tony stared at him. “She deserves more than what you’re giving her.”

  Gideon reeled as if he’d been slapped. Never mind how he’d treated Lily. Tony had given voice to his innermost fears. An icy cold seeped into him. “You’re right, she does. You think you can do better than I can? Be my guest.” His chest heaved and the rational part of him disappeared. He’d never be good enough for her. Today had only proven it. “This isn’t college anymore, Tony, where we fight over a girl. ‘Cause guess what? I’ll give in every time. You want her, take her!” He heard his own words and cringed inside. Part of him shouted no, don’t do it, but arguing was futile. No matter how great his kiss with Lily was, no matter how interested in him Lily appeared, Tony could give her more than he could. As much as it galled him to admit, she deserved someone like his friend.

  Tony stared at him again and shook his head. “You just don’t get it, do you? Lily doesn’t want me. She doesn’t see me. She doesn’t have interest for anyone but you and you’re killing her every time you pretend she doesn’t exist, that she isn’t important.” He pounded the table with his fist. “If I had someone who felt about me like Lily feels about you, I’d be the happiest guy in the world. But instead, I have to watch a bastard like you waste the best gift on earth.” Tony stood and tossed his napkin on the table. “I hope you’re happy, Gideon, because you’re making the rest of us miserable.” He stormed out of the restaurant.

  Despite the noise of the patrons, Gideon heard nothing, lost in a deafening silence of self-recrimination, guilt and anger. He’d always wanted to be left alone, and that’s exactly what he’d gotten. Nausea swirled in his belly. Being alone sucked. With a muttered curse under his breath, he slammed his money on the table and raced out of the restaurant.

  Chapter 17

  Gideon held his breath and counted the rings—one…two…three. They jarred his eardrum and sent shards of regret down his spine. He closed his eyes as he cursed himself, pushing the bridge of his glasses against his face so hard, he’d swear they left a mark. A sudden silence made them fly open again and he waited with baited breath until Lily spoke.

  “Hello?” The sound of her voice squeezed his heart.

  “Tony called me a bastard.” He waited for her to respond, but the quiet dragged and panic rose in his throat. He’d have to work for her forgiveness, and the thought of possibly not being able to get it terrified him. “You apparently agree.” He was used to a lot of different responses from her, but this lack of response wasn’t one of them. She’d never been afraid to yell at him or tell him off when he’d offended her. In point of fact, she was pretty good at it. He’d never much liked it before, but it was preferable to this silent treatment. Gideon started to sweat. He had to get her to open up. He had to apologize, but he didn’t know how to do it without changing their relationship into something he couldn’t handle, yet the relationship they had wasn’t enough for him either. He wanted more. “Talk to me, Lil. Please?”

  She sighed. “I have nothing to say.”

  Her response was worse. Everything he loved about her voice—its lilt, its life, its music—evaporated. Instead, she spoke in a monotone, as if the effort to form words was wasted on him. She’d given up on him.

  His heart dropped to his toes. “That’s a first,” he said in an effort to cheer her. He listened for the short intake of breath, a quick catch in her voice, a low chuckle, anything to get rid of the knot in his stomach.

  Instead, she exploded. “I’m so mad, I could spit! I’ve done nothing since meeting you but tiptoe around you and watch out for your feelings,” she said in a rush. “I’m not perfect, I admit it. I understand I embarrassed you tonight, and I’m sorry.” She paused, her breath rasping in his ears. “As the words came out of my mouth, I realized I shouldn’t have said anything, but it was too late. But it doesn’t give you the right to trample all over my feelings.” She paused again, and this time Gideon swore he heard a muffled sob. “You treat me like garbage, and when you should be apologizing, telling me how wrong you were, you’re sarcastic and rude. I keep asking myself why I’m putting myself through this. Why I bother with you?” Her voice trailed off.

  Chills rolled down Gideon’s spine. His sweat turned icy cold at her torrent of words. The knot in his stomach expanded and he thought his heart would burst. He’d made her cry. Time slowed. He was aware of every detail around him. The tick of the clock pounded in his ears, the hairs on his arms stood on end, and he swallowed the brackish taste of fear that rose from the pit of his stomach into his throat. What he would give now for her silence, instead of hearing in her voice everything he hated about himself. The apology on his lips evaporated. What could he possibly say to fix this?

  “Have you figured it out?” His voice sounded odd, like it came from a distance and he longed to join it, to get away from the situation, from himself.

  “I don’t know. I’m tired, Gideon. I’m tired of not knowing where I stand with you and I’m tired of fighting.” She sounded defeated, and it pierced his soul. “You’ve made it clear you want to be alone, and I’m going to listen to you. I’m going to leave you alone, because I just can’t keep doing this anymore. Find another date for the wedding.”

  She was going to hang up on him. He could hear it in her tone, practically see her finger moving to the disconnect button. If he let that happen, he’d lose her. And the fear of losing her outweighed everything else. “Wait!” He gripped the phone and cursed himself for not going to her apartment. He wanted to see her face, needed her to see his, to see how sincere he was. Why couldn’t he just say the words?

  “I can’t do this anymore, Gideon.” Her voice was filled with sorrow.

  “Lily, please. I’m sorry.” He pounded his fist against his thigh. “I should have said I was sorry as soon as you answered the phone. I should hav
e said it at the restaurant as soon as those words came out of my mouth. I did a terrible thing and I’m sorry.” He removed his glasses. “I’m sorry for what I said at the restaurant. I’m sorry for everything I put you through before the restaurant. You deserve better. And I want to be the one who gives it to you. If you’re willing to give me another chance, I promise I’ll change. I can’t promise you I’ll be perfect…”

  “Ha,” she snorted.

  A small ray of hope penetrated his soul. She was coming back to him. He dared a small smile and continued, “…but I’ll try. If you’re willing.” He waited. When she didn’t answer, he held his breath, certain she’d hang up the phone and it would be over.

  “All right,” she whispered.

  He released his breath with a whoosh and slumped forward in his chair, a great big pile of ooze now that the fear that held him together disappeared. He rested his hot forehead in his cold hand and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “All right,” he repeated. His breath came in gasps and he felt like he’d run the N.Y. Marathon.

  “You owe me big time, you know, especially after tonight.” Her lilt was back, even if it was a little subdued.

  Gideon grinned. She’d forgiven him.

  “Dinner tomorrow night. Okay?”

  “Aren’t you Mr. Confident,” she goaded, sounding once again like her old self. “What makes you sure I’ll agree?”

  “Because Amici’s makes the best chocolate soufflé in the city.”

  “My pride for chocolate. You’re right, I’ll be there. What time?”

  “Six. Meet me at the community center.”

  “Okay. Bye.”

  She’d forgiven him and he was the luckiest man on earth. All the tension he’d felt suddenly released. “Oh, and Lily?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’d like you to come to the wedding. If you still want to.” He waited.