The Impossible Story of Olive In Love

by Tonya Alexandra

  His face is pinched in concentration as he listens to the lecturer and types away on his laptop. He’s so serious it’s cute. Cute, and a brain to boot. I wonder what more I could have been looking for.

  I lean forward to look at the computer on his lap. It’s just boring roman numerals, I don’t know what I expected. Braille? I know he has some devices that use it. Braille is actually kind of beautiful—I should learn it. Imagine love letters in braille? Brilliant.

  I feel the lecturer pacing behind me; it’s the perfect opportunity to play a gag; fiddle with his slide-show or switch it to some doll-fetish website or something, but I won’t do that today, I’m mature and grown up now. I’m here for love.

  I pull at the leg of Felix’s jeans.

  He looks distracted. ‘Wallace?’

  ‘Yes, sweetheart?’ Her voice is clueless, so he quickly gathers it’s me. I’m impressed, I rarely interact with him in public. Stalk him—sure. But touch him—hardly ever. He extends his leg until he finds me. He nudges me away.

  ‘Later,’ he hisses.

  Wallace looks concerned. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Nothing. Don’t worry.’ He faces me. ‘I’ll deal with it after class.’

  ‘Shhh.’ Wallace puts her finger to her lips as the lecturer throws them a dirty look. Her nails are red along with her lipstick. It’s a pretty extreme look along with the bright yellow dress she’s wearing. She obviously likes to be noticed, funny she chose a blind boyfriend. Why she’s shushing him is beyond me, Felix is quiet and taking notes again, he doesn’t need to be told.

  I lean forward and whisper in his ear. I can smell the Hugo Boss aftershave I stole for him. ‘Skip class.’

  He shakes his head.

  I run my fingers across his smooth cheek. I wonder how he shaves himself. It reminds me of kissing Tom in our rainforest of shower steam. I push the memory from my head.

  Felix. I’m here for Felix.

  I move my fingers to his neck softly, and goose bumps appear under my touch. ‘You like that,’ I note with satisfaction. He blushes, his typing falters. ‘It’s important.’ I breathe against him.

  Felix sighs and shuts his machine. ‘I’ve got to go,’ he whispers to Wallace as he shoves it in his bag. ‘Can I copy your notes later?’

  She is all wide-eyed and caring. Her hand touches his elbow, soft with worry. ‘Want me to come too?’

  Felix shakes his head and gets to his feet. I can see the lecturer about to make some cutting remark about him leaving until he sees Felix pick up his cane. He can’t offend the blind guy. God, Felix could get away with anything!

  ‘That’s such a rort, that cane,’ I say as we bust out of the doors. ‘I would totally get one if I wasn’t invisible.’

  Felix scoffs. ‘You are truly evil.’

  ‘What? It’s not evil, it’s smart. People pay heaps to get ahead in this world, what with seminars and education, now a cane—that really opens doors.’

  ‘More like shuts them.’ Felix walks us deftly across the atrium until his cane hits a bench. ‘You really have no idea how difficult it is to be blind do you?’

  ‘You make it look so easy, it’s cool on you.’

  He gives a short laugh. ‘I just don’t complain about it.’ He sits down. ‘Now tell me what’s so important that you have to interrupt Mendel?’

  I’m too freaked out to tell him right away so I start to ramble. ‘You know what frustrates me about Mendel? About so many masters really? It’s only after they’re dead that people figure out they were actually geniuses.’ I plonk myself down beside him. ‘Talk about annoying for them.’

  ‘Hopefully they’re looking down from a better place going “I knew it!”’ he replies.

  I laugh. It is a good image. ‘Yeah. Imagine all the artists gossiping with each other. “Look at what those idiots are paying for my paintings now.’’’

  ‘Mondrian saying to Jackson Pollock, “I wasted too much time on squares. I should have just sloshed the paint on anywhere like you did”.’

  ‘Careful Johnny, I’m a fan,’ I warn him.

  ‘Who’s Johnny?’

  I pick up his hand, hold it against my cheek. ‘It’s my new name for you. Johnny Nash, a beautiful mind, do you like it?’

  He looks confused. ‘I guess so.’

  ‘Because you’ve got a beautiful mind,’ I qualify. He doesn’t look as pleased as I expected, more like he doesn’t know what to do with the information.

  ‘Okay … Is that what you came here to tell me?’

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘I just wanted to see you.’

  ‘You still haven’t heard from Tom.’

  I take a breath and pretend Tom’s name doesn’t hurt me. I’m here for Felix. This is a joyous moment.

  ‘There is no more Tom,’ I say, searching his face for an expression of delight but his face is squinted in something that looks more like concern. He’s still in friend mode, I realise. ‘We’ve broken up for good.’

  ‘But you were so certain he was your true love.’ He can’t hide the cynical tone but I forgive him. I was being stupid with Tom. Thinking we should move in together so quickly? Talk about Dumbo the elephant.

  ‘Well I know now—he’s not.’ I pause, take another breath. ‘There’s someone else.’

  ‘He’s been seeing someone?’ Felix looks mad. It’s sweet to see him upset for me.

  ‘Not him. Me.’

  Now he just looks confused. ‘But you’ve been stuck in your room and Tom’s. How did you meet someone?’

  ‘I haven’t just met him, I’ve known him for ages.’

  Felix still doesn’t get it. ‘And you never told me? Have you found some anti-invisible boyfriend store in the city someplace?’

  I ignore his jibe. ‘You already know him,’ I reply. ‘Very well.’ I am still holding his hand so I place it on the curve of my waist, then cup his cheeks between my palms, turning his face toward me. ‘In fact, I’d say you know him inside out,’ I say softly.

  I feel the sharp hitch of his breath as he finally figures it out. ‘Olive,’ he says, so quietly I wonder if I’ve imagined it.

  ‘I know,’ I say and then I kiss him. His sunglasses are kind of in the way but his lips are cool and gentle and I know I could be happy with this boy. But then he begins to struggle. He is pushing me away. When I draw back, his expression is not quite disgusted, but not pleased either.

  ‘What are you doing?’ His harshness makes me feel instantly stupid. Surely, I just need to explain it to him.

  ‘I finally see it Lix. You and me. We’re meant to be together.’

  But his lips twist. ‘No,’ he says. ‘No.’

  And the certainty in his voice just about kills me. I’m reeling. He is holding me by the elbow but I pull away, tripping over his cane as I try to flee.

  ‘Olive!’ He grabs for me but I’m sprawled on the floor. I scoot back from him, out of reach. ‘Wait,’ he says. ‘Don’t go.’

  I get to my feet but Felix is trying to find me. He’s swinging his arms around. I back away, planting myself against the glass wall, breathing hard. I’m dying here. I want to run away but Felix can’t find his cane, or me. He’s swearing under his breath.

  ‘Olive?’ He tries again. ‘Please. Can we talk about it?’

  I shake my head. I can’t talk about it! To say I’m mortified would be to compare a drop of rain with the ocean. I’m not just splattered with shame, I’m drowning in it.

  But I can’t leave Felix here, walking around with his arms outstretched like some zombie. It’s worse than pitiful. I’m supposed to love him. I do love him. He just wants to talk, like Tom did. I can’t make the same mistake again.

  I move across the floor and pick up his cane, then hold it out for him. ‘Here.’

  Felix takes it. ‘Thanks.’

  We stand there, awkward, until Felix says, ‘You don’t really want to be with me, Oli, you’re just cut up about Tom.’

  ‘That’s not true!’ I say, but it could be, just a little
. I honestly don’t know.

  ‘It is true,’ he says. ‘You’ve never been interested in me. Never. Not once.’ There is a bitterness to his tone which makes me defensive.

  ‘Yeah? Well you’ve never been interested in me!’

  ‘I have,’ he says, looking pained. ‘A few years ago I was crazy about you. But you made it very obvious I wasn’t good enough for you.’

  That takes me by surprise. I had no idea he liked me.

  ‘You’re more than good enough,’ I say. ‘I was stupid before. I couldn’t see how …’ I hesitate. He’s already rejected me, am I really going to try it again? What the hell. It couldn’t get much worse. ‘How good we’d be together.’

  Felix screws up his face, all contrite. I know what he’s going to say before it comes out. ‘I’m sorry but Wallace and I, we’re serious.’

  There is a very long silence, where neither of us knows what to say.

  ‘Don’t apologise. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m so stupid,’ I mutter. And then, to shift the blame. ‘Tom said you liked me.’

  ‘I do like you, but come on, you and me? Really?’ His laugh is wrong, forced. He is trying to somehow get us back to a good place. ‘It’s nice to imagine, but we’d kill each other. I give it six months before my mum would find me with a black knight stabbed through my heart.’

  ‘I guess it would be annoying,’ I say, ‘sunglasses in bed and all.’

  He pulls me in for a hug, relaxed by my snide comment. Meanwhile, I’m just about dead in his arms. ‘I love that you came to me though,’ Felix says. ‘And the kiss. That was a nice surprise.’

  ‘Yeah?’ I scoff bitterly. ‘I thought all kisses would be a surprise for you. It’s not like you see them coming.’

  Felix’s laugh is more real this time. ‘We can still be friends.’ He is reassuring us both. ‘Friends works.’

  ‘Sure. Right after I die of embarrassment.’

  He sighs. ‘Please don’t be embarrassed. If I wasn’t with Wallace, I’d be so tempted.’

  ‘So ditch her,’ I mutter against him.

  ‘No.’ He keeps me pressed close. ‘I can’t risk ruining our friendship.’

  It’s exactly what I’ve thought all these years so I can’t argue with him.

  ‘Besides, I can’t see you and I know how important that is to you. I’d be a constant disappointment.’

  ‘Right,’ I say, thinking of Felix’s unfailing devotion to Wallace. He can’t see her and it doesn’t seem to matter.

  I’m beginning to realise maybe seeing someone doesn’t matter at all.

  CHAPTER

  38

  That was five months ago. And what a soul beating journey it was after that. I went to love-sick hell and back.

  Felix was right, running to him was a knee-jerk response to Tom, but it still hurt to be rejected. It might have worked between us but I guess I’ll never know.

  Felix and I are still friends, great friends and he’s never mentioned the kiss, not once. I can’t ask for more than that.

  As for Tom, if he ever did get his head straight he never he told me. I haven’t heard a word from him. I still wonder what would have happened if I’d picked up that phone call and given us a chance to talk things through.

  It’s the not knowing that pains me. It’s the hours of jilted love songs that suddenly make sense. It’s the plain disappointment.

  Or at least it was all that. It’s true what they say about time; it’s just a matter of time, until time heals and it’s time to move on. And there’s no time like the present to begin.

  I’m eighteen now. The age I would have been when Tom and I moved in together. Felix and Jordan took me hot-air ballooning on my birthday. I didn’t hear from Tom.

  But now I know this: I don’t need a man to be happy. I’ve got a life ahead, and the possibilities just about blow me away.

  Tom was great. He was an awesome first boyfriend. He made me become a better person, yada, yada, yada. I have no regrets.

  I can appreciate why he thought we should break up. Sometimes people can’t see a way around difficult things, even when they want to. It’s human nature. Tom always saw the restrictions. I see the possibilities.

  Okay—maybe that’s a load of whack, and it was just because I was a major pain-in-the-ass and he couldn’t handle the black magic. But that’s okay. Tom deserves the best. Wherever he is now, I hope he’s sublimely happy.

  Well maybe not sublimely. I don’t want him to be that happy without me.

  Felix is at the airport with us. He and I are hidden away in a corner. He looks worn, tired, stressed or something, his usual slicked hair is all messed up. I give him a hug. ‘You look like cac.’

  ‘Yeah. Wallace is …’ He exhales against my hair. ‘Don’t worry. Now’s not the time.’

  ‘Women,’ I say, pulling away from him. I squeeze his hands. He’s so essential to me I can’t believe I won’t see him for a year, possibly longer. ‘I’m going to miss you, bub.’

  ‘Me too.’ He rubs his eyes under his glasses. Is he crying?

  ‘I didn’t know blind people cry,’ I say, to stop myself from weeping too.

  He laughs at that. Pulls me close again. ‘Olive,’ he whispers. ‘I keep thinking about that night—you know—Mendel.’

  Just the name sends shudders through my body. ‘Don’t remind me.’ I try to pull away but he holds on fast.

  ‘I just, I don’t know, I need you to know that I still think about it, okay? That it meant the world to me, that it still means the world to me. And sometimes I wonder if …’

  I cut him off. I’m getting on a plane, for Christ’s sake. ‘Felix. Don’t.’

  ‘Just come home,’ he says pointedly, then lets me go.

  Jordan has appeared with Rose. ‘Come on, we’re all checked in,’ Jordan says. ‘I got you a window seat.’

  ‘Sucks you had to buy two seats,’ Felix says.

  ‘Like I’d want her sitting on my lap the whole way!’ Jordan says.

  ‘No, I meant Olive could find an empty seat in first class or something.’

  ‘Ooh, good idea!’ I say. ‘Maybe I’ll sneak up there.’

  Rose tuts. ‘The window seat is the safest place, Olive. We discussed this.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’

  ‘How will you get through security?’ Felix asks.

  ‘Just walk around it. I’m the perfect drug mule,’ I say.

  ‘Shhhh!’ Rose hisses, looking around her. Jordan and I crack up laughing. ‘You two and round-the-world tickets.’ Rose shakes her head. ‘Talk about trouble.’

  ‘That’s the plan,’ we say in unison, making us both laugh again.

  ‘Send lots of photos of Ireland,’ Rose says. ‘You will look up the family, won’t you?’

  ‘I’ll have a peek around,’ I say cheekily.

  I haven’t admitted it to anyone but what I want more than anything is to find that beach my Nan stood on. I want to stare out to sea as she did and wish for the world. I can already picture it; the lush green grass, the dark tossing waves, the fierce cutting wind. Irish magic.

  I also want to track down Nan in New York. Felix is right. I need answers.

  ‘Come on, let’s go,’ I say to Jordan. ‘Farewells freak me out.’ And then I start to bawl.

  Rose hugs me hard. ‘You’ll be home before you know it. Don’t forget to call. And don’t forget if you’re in trouble, Dad will come and get you from anywhere, anytime. Do it. He needs an excuse to get out of that desert.’

  Dad is thrilled I’m travelling the world with Jordan, boy trouble thrown to the wind. He sent me this awesome brown leather jacket, modelled on Amelia Earhart’s. She was incredible, that woman. If you want to know inspiration, read about her. Along with the jacket was a card saying ‘don’t crash out’. It’s a bit crass, but that’s Dad. You take the good with the bad.

  ‘Thanks Rosie,’ I whisper. ‘I love you.’

  She pulls me tight for a second then lets me go. I miss her already.


  ‘Your dad lives in the desert?’ Felix asks.

  ‘You’ve only touched on a cornerstone of my freakish world, my friend,’ I say, moving over to him.

  ‘I want to know all of it,’ he says. ‘Can’t wait till you’re back.’

  I find my brave face. ‘Look after yourself, bub.’ I kiss his cheek. ‘I love you.’

  ‘You too,’ he says, his voice lost as he swallows. ‘Now go before I make you stay.’

  I wish he could see the genuine love I feel for him burning in my eyes, but that’s never going to happen with Felix. It might never happen with anybody ever again. I have to get used to that idea. I have to let it roll over me, like the salt Sydney surf. I will not let it drown me.

  Rose takes Felix by the hand and we leave them there, Jordan and I, strolling through customs to freedom.

  EPILOGUE

  ‘Olive. I’ve got something for you.’

  My nose is against the window as we taxi along the runway. Jordan passes me her phone.

  ‘It’s a playlist.’ She shrugs. ‘From Tom. Rose passed it on.’ She shrugs again. ‘I figure it can’t hurt.’

  I narrow my eyes at her. ‘Now we’re on the plane.’

  She laughs.

  I feel sick as I fumble with the phone, holding it close so that it disappears into my lap. Why would he do this? I flick through the selection:

  R.E.M: Everybody Hurts

  Depeche Mode: (All I Want To Do Is) See You

  Joe Cocker: You Are So Beautiful

  Willie Nelson: Always On My Mind

  Stevie Wonder: You Are The Sunshine Of My Life

  Billy Joel: Just The Way You Are

  Kylie Minogue: Can’t Get You Out Of My Head

  Rolling Stones: Miss You

  The Cure: Lovesong

  The Beatles: PS. I Love You

  He’s been listening to classic rock again, silly boy.

  It’s lame. It’s lovely. It’s full of promises I don’t even want to contemplate.

  I smile as I settle back into my seat, leaving the earplugs in my lap as we surge down the runway. It’s a good heartache mix and I’ll listen to it later. Right now I just want to hear the sound of us soar.