This Can't be Life

by Shakara Cannon

  “You’re the fucking pro athlete. You are the one that has had way more lovers than I could ever count. I’ve only been with one person other than you and that was my husband. Yes, he cheated on me, but I don’t have shit. I told you that. This is so fucked up!” She sobbed as I pulled her into my arms and held her.

  “I’m sorry, Shell. I’m really sorry. I’ve never had reason to believe that I could fucking have a disease! I just don’t know!” I was in such a rage that I wasn’t thinking clearly enough not to jump to conclusions.

  “Stuff like that can lay dormant, Deon. You are a smart guy. You should know that,” she said, looking up at me with tears still streaming from her red-rimmed eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Shell. I really am. Can you forgive me?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t messed up what I had with her.

  “Of course, Deon. I’ll go with you to the doctor in the morning. You’re jumping to conclusions anyway, babe. It may not even be an STD. Let’s stay positive, okay?” she asked, as I wiped away tears from her face.

  “If I’ve given some shit to you, I’ll never forgive myself,” I whispered, looking into her eyes.

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, babe,” she said reassuringly. She grabbed my hand and led me up another flight of stairs to her bedroom loft.

  As I was in a deep slumber, I could hear Nichelle’s voice getting closer and closer. Since her death, I had never dreamed about her, but here she was in my dreams calling my name. I opened my eyes, got out of bed careful not to wake Shelly. I walked out onto the balcony and Nichelle was sitting on the wood swing, rocking back and forth. She looked up and smiled at me as tears misted my eyes.

  “Someone might think you’re a punk, D, getting all emotional,” she laughed. “Come sit down, boy,” she said, patting the space next to her. I did as I was told. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She looked even more beautiful than I remembered. She had the same twinkle in her eyes that had finally returned to Tyson’s.

  “I miss you so much, Chell. Man, I don’t half way know what to do without you.”

  “Yes, you do. You got along just fine before I came along. Thank you for taking care of Tyson, D. He’s really happy.” She was absolutely glowing.

  “You know I wouldn’t have it any other way but for him to be with me and my family. I’m looking for a house in Atlanta right now so I can spend more time with him. If I didn’t have him when you left, I don’t know what I would have done.” I admitted for the first time aloud.

  “Deon, you are much stronger than you think and much smarter than you give yourself credit for. Remember to trust your instincts and follow your heart. Simone needs you and you need her. It’s just that neither of you know it yet. I left something for you in Shelly’s room, make sure you find it. I love you, D.”

  “Wait, Chell. Wait! Don’t leave. I’m not done!” I heard myself saying.

  “Deon, wake up, baby. Deon, wake up.” I felt Shelly shaking me awake. I opened my eyes to find that I was still lying there in the bed, not sitting on the balcony with Nichelle. It felt so real; I could remember everything about it.

  “Baby, are you okay? You were saying my name. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” Shelly whispered, assuming I was dreaming about her and calling her name. I looked over at the clock and it read 7:00.

  “I’m sorry. I was dreaming. Did I wake you up?” I asked, stretching my arms over my head. I was shook up behind the dream I’d just had and I just wanted to lay there and think about the things that Nichelle had said. It was like she was really on that balcony sitting next to me.

  “No, Blu woke me up about five minutes ago. He’s ready for his walk,” she said, as Blu came to my side of the bed. He acted like he knew we were talking about him. I rubbed his head, showing him some love.

  “You want me to do it or to go with you?” I asked.

  “No, babe. You had a rough night, just rest. You have to get up soon anyway. I’ll make some breakfast when I get back in.” She kissed me on my forehead and headed out the door.

  I stayed there thinking about everything that Nichelle said. What is she talking about…she left me something in Shelly’s room? I thought to myself, figuring I’d look around as soon as I heard the back door close. It really must have been just a dream since she mentioned Simone. I haven’t talked to her in months, and if Chell were a ghost coming to me in my dream, she would know that.

  With the slamming of the door, I jumped out of the bed and looked under it. Next, I searched through her closet, but found nothing. The last place to look was Shelly’s dresser drawer. I pulled the top right drawer open, moved some nightgowns around, and saw nothing.

  “Chell, what are you talking about?” I whispered aloud as I opened the drawer to the left and moved some panties around exposing a prescription bottle. My heart dropped. I looked around the drawer, then through the rest of the drawers for something else to grab my attention, but there was nothing else out of the ordinary. I picked up the prescription bottle and looked at the label. It was definitely prescribed to Shelly. I had never heard of this type of medication before, but I knew I was about to find out. I walked down the hall and powered on the computer in Shelly’s den. The damned thing couldn’t go any slower, I thought, hoping that I would have time to get the answers I needed before she returned. As soon as that damned clock on the mouse pointer stopped ticking, I opened up the web browser, typed in the name of the medication in the Google search engine, and got a load of results. After seeing the first one, I didn’t have to go any further. Valtrax. This shit is for Herpes!

  Talise

  Lying in bed next to Malachi with the sound of waves crashing against the shore, the breeze streaming through the open shutters, and the smell of the ocean wafting through the air, the moment couldn’t have been more perfect.

  “You awake?” I asked Malachi.

  “Yup, sure am. Are you all right?”

  “Yeah, I guess. I have to tell you something,” Malachi sat up on his left elbow and faced me. He looked into my concerned eyes, worry filling his.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked, stroking my face.

  “Malachi, I’m pregnant. Two months pregnant.” I held my breath, waiting for his response. Searching his eyes, I tried to gauge his feelings. Suddenly he hopped out of the bed and began jumping up and down and shouting. He pulled me out of the bed and held me tight to him, my feet at least a good inch from the floor.

  “Talise, I love you! I couldn’t be happier! You couldn’t have said anything that would make me feel more on top of the world than I feel right now!” Malachi yelled like he was Leonardo Dicaprio on that damned bow of the Titanic ship. Seeing the tears streaming down his face, I couldn’t help but cry with him. How could I have thought that Malachi would be disappointed about me carrying his child?

  When I awoke the next morning, Malachi wasn’t lying next to me. I stretched my arms above my head and recalled how he made slow and passionate love to me after I told him that I was carrying his child the night before. If our souls hadn’t connected before last night, there was no doubt in my mind that we were joined as one today. I could smell the scent of eggs and bacon coming from downstairs, and as soon as I lifted my feet off of the bed to get up, Malachi entered the room carrying a tray of food.

  “No you don’t. Sit back down, mama. Daddy got breakfast for you.”

  “Aw, babe, thanks. But I have to pee first and at least wash my face,” I said, accepting a kiss, morning breath and all.

  “All right, I’ll set this up for you. Do you want the TV on or for me to open the shutters or balcony doors?” he asked, helping me out of bed, like I needed it.

  “Have you eaten? If not, let’s eat on the balcony.” I kissed his lips again before stepping into the bathroom.

  “I’ll set everything up and meet you outside.”

  “Thank you, baby. I’ll be right out.” I couldn’t, for the life of me, erase the smile on my face.

  Over breakfast, Malach
i and I discussed everything from baby names to what profession our child would be in as an adult. I wanted a boy and Malachi couldn’t have cared less. Seeing the sparkle in his eyes made me even more thrilled to be carrying his child.

  “So what do your parents think? How about Simone and Stacey? I know they’re excited.” Malachi said, finishing off his last piece of turkey bacon.

  “We’ll see. I haven’t told anyone. You’re the first person.” Malachi’s head popped up and the sparkle in his eyes just tickled me. I had to laugh.

  “Malachi, you should have been the first person I told. This is about us first,” I said, grabbing his hand and kissing his palm.

  “Wow! I’m at a loss for words. You tell them everything, especially Simone and Stacey. We need to go talk to your parents. I’ve never met your dad or even asked him for your hand in marriage.”

  “When do you want to go?” I asked, sipping my now lukewarm tea.

  “Let’s see what they’re doing today. Why wait? Let’s share the excitement. We can stop by your mom’s and then stop by your dad’s. We can make a day of it and even drive back out here tonight or in the morning, if you’re up to it.”

  “All right, sounds like a plan. Let me call my parents and see what they have planned for the day.”

  When Malachi returned with the phone, I punched in my father’s cell number and got no answer. I knew it was early, but my dad is always awake by 6:00 in the morning. Dialing my uncle’s number and waiting for him to pick up, my mind started to wonder.

  “Where in the hell is my dad?” I said aloud before my uncle picked up the phone.

  “Hi, Uncle Percy, how are you? Is my dad there?” After I shared a few more pleasantries with my uncle, I hung up the phone.

  “‘He didn’t come home last night, my uncle said.” Tears streamed down my face.

  “Tali, don’t jump to conclusions, baby. Just call your mom and we’ll call your dad on our way out, okay?” Nodding, I dialed my mom at home and waited for her to answer.

  “Daddy?” I asked after he answered the phone.

  “Good morning, baby. How are you?” My daddy asked as more tears streamed down my face. I was just an emotional fool.

  “Daddy, what are you doing over there?”

  “This is still my house, little girl,” my dad replied chuckling. “I’ve lived here before you were born and I don’t plan on changing that.” My dad continued. I heard my mom pick up the other extension.

  “Talise? Good morning, honey. How are you?” My mother asked like it was normal for my dad to be there. Well it was normal, but…

  “What’s going on you two? Tell me something!”

  “What’s to say, Talise? Your father and I are making our marriage work. I love your dad too much to let him go,” my mother stated.

  “We are going to get counseling and continue to grow old together,” my dad chuckled.

  “I’m so happy to hear that,” I openly cried. “I have some good news of my own, and Dad, you need to meet my fiancé. Are you guys busy today? Can we come out?” I asked them both.

  “Of course, honey,” my mother said.

  “I’ll start up the grill. What time you two coming?” my dad asked, always wanting an excuse to barbecue.

  “How about 2:00 this afternoon?” I asked, looking over at Malachi to see if that time was all right with him as well.

  “All right, sounds great. We’ll see you guys then. I know your dad is going to just love him some Malachi. I sure do,” my mother said with a smile in her voice.

  “Yeah, we’ll see,” my father joked.

  “Well, we’ll see you two a little later. I love you guys so much.” I was so happy that my parents finally decided to work their craziness out and get back together.

  I got up and sat in Malachi’s lap, and let him hold me. I was elated, knowing that my parents, who had the relationship that love stories could be written from, were working out their problems. It made me even more excited to be marrying Malachi. I knew that whatever obstacles got in our way, we’d be able to persevere and make our love last like my parents have.

  Stacey

  I could see myself clearly. I was lookin’ down at my beaten and severely abused body lyin' on the bed. I would float in and out of consciousness every few minutes, but it seemed like I spent more time out than in. The severity of the beatin' that my body had sustained was immeasurable. I began to weep for my mom and my sister, Simone and Talise…I couldn’t even think of them and the hurt that my actions were gonna cause them.

  I wished I could go back to when I was little boy and take myself out of that house, out to the playground, so maybe I wouldn’t have gotten raped. Just maybe I wouldn’t be gay. Maybe I wouldn’t be dyin' slowly for all my wrong decisions. Lord Jesus, please help me! Please forgive me! I kept repeatin' over and over again in my head, wonderin’, no, hopin’ that heaven really did exist like I thought it did. Prayin' that being damned to hell for a lifestyle that I did not choose was all make believe, not God’s words, but a man-made story to scare us all.

  My whole life began to flash before my eyes, although I’d relived my past over a dozen times since this deadly ordeal began. I was actually there, watchin' my mother bake my favorite chocolate cake for my birthday when I was just a young boy — she did that every year until I went away to college. I saw my sister and me double dutchin' in front of the brownstone that my mother still owned, laughin’ and smilin', bein’ worry-free little kids. I felt no pain. I felt free. I felt happy.

  For a split second, I felt my soul return to my body. I felt the pain again and I didn’t want to. I began to let go and accepted that this was my fate, that this was how I was going to leave this life. Once I did, I finally felt free. I no longer hovered in the room, looking at what used to be my body. I was free, light, and soaring like a bird flying through the sky. I left all my worries, all my hurt and disappointment behind, and I floated toward the light. The brightness was bathin' my skin in a warmth that I’d never felt before. I felt God, happiness, love, and acceptance all around me. My shell of a body was no longer needed, for I had left this earth to start anew. I guess this is life…we live and we die, but the main thing is that I lived. My only regret is that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.

  Deon

  I was pacing back and forth, waiting for Shelly to return from walking Blu. If I were the type of man who beat women, I would stomp her ass to the ground. The way she lied so convincingly shouldn’t have been a shock to me, but it was. And there I was, apologizing for jumping the gun and accusing her when she knew! She knowingly had unprotected sex with me and gave me some shit I can never get rid of! How could someone be so heartless?

  Hearing the door slam pissed me off even more. When she entered the kitchen, I was standing with my back against the refrigerator and my arms folded across my chest. I decided to play it cool so I could get Blu in the other room and close the door. Who knew how he would react if this situation got out of control. The last thing I needed was for a damned pit bull to attack me and lock up on my legs or arms. Surprisingly, I didn’t think about that last night.

  “Hey, hon, you hungry?” she asked, walking over to me and kissing me on the cheek. I stiffened from her touch. She immediately felt the tension. It was so thick, it could be cut with a knife.

  “What’s the matter now?” she had the nerve to ask.

  “Come here, Blu,” I called to the jolly dog. I doubt he would have hurt a soul, but I wasn’t going to take that chance. I took him into the bedroom and closed the door. When I walked back into the kitchen, I slammed the prescription bottle onto the counter in front of her and watched for her reaction.

  “What is that?” she asked, leaning forward to get a good view of the label. I saw her eyes register surprise when she read her name printed on the bottle. Shock and shame danced in her eyes. She couldn’t even look at me. She just held her head low.

  “You know what the fuck that is! How could you do some fucked up shit like
this to me, huh? Tell me why you gave me a life sentence? Some shit that I can never get rid of!”

  “Fucking talk!” I yelled at the top of my lungs when she took too long to respond causing Shelly to jump back.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. Her arms were wrapped around her stomach, hugging herself tight. I didn’t care how sorry she was. Sorry can’t make this sore on my dick disappear. Sorry can’t take away the fact that I have to live with Herpes and Lord knows what else. That prompted my next question.

  “If I would have kept looking through your shit, would I have found medicine for AIDS or some shit?” I yelled.

  “Why would you go through my personal things? Why?” she yelled, trying to turn this shit around on me.

  “Fuck your shit and fuck you! You have to be a heartless bitch to do this. Everything we had was a lie…”

  “No, it was not,” she yelled, cutting me off. “Everything…I was honest about everything…”

  “Yeah, everything but this one really, really huge thing, huh? Why should I believe that? Give me one reason why I should believe anything that has ever come out of your mouth. You looked me in my eyes last night and pretended to be offended. You blamed me! Was crying your fucking heart out! Had me worrying and praying that I didn’t infect you with no shit like this when you knew all along that you could give this shit to me, that I was in harm’s way. I would’ve never put you in harm’s way! Never! Now I wish I never fucking met you. Never saw your face before in my life!” I was pacing again. I wanted to get everything I had to say out, because I didn’t plan on ever seeing her face again, let alone speaking to her. She stood there crying, crying like I was the one that gave her herpes!