This Can't be Life

by Shakara Cannon

  “You don’t have shit to say for yourself, do you?” I questioned, but changed my mind immediately. I didn’t want to hear shit she had to say. I walked away from her and headed down the stairs. I left her standing in the same damned spot she stood in when this whole ordeal jumped off, the same spot that she stood in last night when she lied to me with a straight face. I just couldn’t understand why someone would do something like this. It just didn’t make any sense. Was my judgment that fucked up? I was so angry with myself for being so fucking stupid. For acting like a teenager. For acting like I forgot how conniving women could be. I wanted to punch something! I fucked up big this time. This could possibly mean my life! I could have HIV and my whole world could crumble!

  Simone

  My phone wouldn’t stop ringing in my office, so I knew something had to be wrong. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach as I dragged myself out of bed. I was immediately awake as I walked toward my office rubbing my hands up and down my arms trying to calm the chill bumps that surfaced. I checked the caller ID and recognized that it was a New York number that looked familiar, but I just couldn’t place it. I knew it wasn’t Carlton because he didn’t have my fax number.

  My hands were shaking before I even picked up the receiver and when I did, the wailing that came through the phone nearly buckled my knees. It was so piercing and heartbreaking that at first I couldn’t figure out who was on the other end of my line screaming and crying this way.

  “Who is this? What happened? Oh, my God, what happened?” Now hysterical myself, I dropped to my knees when it finally clicked that this was Stacey’s sister’s number in Brooklyn.

  “Joy, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong! Please tell me what’s wrong!” I screamed into the phone.

  “Simone, they called me, they called…they said we have to go to Las Vegas…they said my brother is dead, Simone!” The pure agony in her voice didn’t give me any opportunity to doubt what she was saying. I knew I wasn’t sleeping. I knew this wasn’t a nightmare.

  “No, no, no…what are you saying, Joy? Are you sure? Are they sure? Are they 100 percent sure it’s Stacey?” I tried to hold it together. I needed to get all the information I could. I knew that I would have a much harder time thinking if I allowed myself to let go and grieve.

  “They said we have to go identify his body, Monie… They said we have to go and get him… They found him dead in a fucking…ditch, Simone…in Vegas. He had his wallet on him and my number was in there,” Joy moaned into the phone.

  “Where is your mom, Joy?” I asked, trying my hardest to hold it together. My heart felt like it had been pulled out of my chest. I just couldn’t understand how this could be.

  “I don’t know…I can’t reach her…I can’t move…I can’t breathe,” Joy whispered.

  “Joy, just keep trying to reach your mother and tell her that I am going to book your flights to Vegas. I’ll call you back when I have your flight information. Do you have my cell phone number, Joy?” I asked urgently and got no answer. “Joy do you have my cell number?” I asked again more forcefully.

  “Yes…hurry up, Simone…please, hurry up…I can’t tell my mother this…how am I supposed…to tell my mother this?” she sobbed into the phone. Her raw emotion tore through me like a knife. I knew just how she was feeling. Stacey was my brother, too.

  With shaking hands and all the willpower that I’d ever mustered, I dialed Talise and waited for her to pick up. When I heard her voice, I could no longer hold it together. My sobs were uncontrollable. My heart was broken and I didn’t know how much more I could take. I just knew I had to get to Stacey. I knew I had to be there. I was finally able to tell her what Joy had told me. Thankfully, she was on her way in from Santa Barbara and would be at my house in no more than an hour.

  Sitting on the floor in the corner of my office, still cradling the phone, I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. I dialed Stacey’s cell number over and over wishing he’d pick up and say this was all a mistake. I kept listening to his voice as it went straight to voicemail each time praying that somehow this was all a misunderstanding. The longer I sat there, the angrier I became. I got into that what the fuck happened to my friend mode. I got into that I’m going to kill whoever did this to my brother mode. I dialed Carlton’s cell, praying that he would answer the unknown number, but no luck. He didn’t. I walked to the nightstand beside my bed and powered on my cell to try him from a recognizable number.

  When he answered, he sounded so happy to hear from me that it made me cry even harder. I was barely able to tell him what happened through my heavy flow of tears.

  “Babe, what the fuck! He’s in Vegas? Do you need me to come back? Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it! Do they know who did this, Simone?” he asked, sounding alarmed.

  “I don’t know, Carlton! I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m about to get a flight out there now so we can meet his mother and sister to identify his body. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe someone would do this to him,” I cried.

  “Baby, I’ll get your flights booked. Don’t worry about it. You know I got you. Who are you coming with? Is Talise coming with you?”

  “Yes. Me and Talise from LA. I need the next thing out of here and I need two flights from New York for his mom and sister. I’m going to send you a text with the names right now.” He said his assistant would email me the information as soon as everything was booked.

  It took no more than 30 minutes for me to receive the first class flight information. I called Joy and gave her their itinerary. She had reached her mother at work and they would be on their way to the airport within the hour to make their flight to Vegas. Talise and I would be at least two hours ahead of them when we got to Vegas, so I told them that there would be a car there waiting for them when they arrived.

  When Talise and Malachi pulled up, I was standing outside waiting, with just my handbag. It was a quiet ride to LAX, surreal actually. No words were spoken between the three of us as we made our way up the 10 to the 405 south. We arrived at the airport with 45 minutes to wait until our flight would be taking off. Talise and I just sat at our gate, crying silently, wishing this were the nightmare that it felt like. All I knew was that I had to find out what happened to Stacey. I had to find out why someone would do this to him. Deep in my gut, I knew that Tryon was responsible for whatever happened to Stacey and I prayed that there was some way that I could prove it. Whether I go to jail or die, one way or the other he was going to pay!

  Talise

  Stacey was buried at Forrest Lawn Mortuary in Burbank. It had been a week since we’d returned from Vegas with his body, made funeral arrangements, and contacted all of his friends so they could say their last goodbyes. Simone and I were relieved that his mother decided to have his funeral and burial in LA. She knew how much he loved this city and called it home. All of his friends were here and he considered himself a Cali boy until the day he died.

  Seeing my best friend’s bruised and battered dead body was something that I never thought I’d have to do. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Stacey was unrecognizable and no longer the beautiful man he once was. Looking at him laying there on that cold metal slab when we went to identify his body was something I would never forget. His tattoo was the only identifying mark. Other than that, there was no way to tell if that was the man I knew for most of my adult life. With the decomposition, bruising, and swelling, we were grateful that he had the tattoo on his leg. Otherwise, it would have taken much longer to get his body released.

  Just the thought of what he had to have suffered through was tearing me up inside. I would never understand how anyone could do this to another human being. The atrocity of Stacey’s violent death was way too much for me to even think about without losing my mind. I had to block out how he was killed or I wouldn’t be able to make it.

  My whole body ached. I couldn’t find peace in sleep, let alone while I was awake. Malachi was so worried about me and the bab
y that he hated going to the hospital, but I wouldn’t let him even think about trying to take more time off from work. A month and a half was long enough, and he had just gone back.

  I was in mourning for my friend, thinking of all the times we had together laughing and just being silly. I knew I would mourn him for the rest of my life. I had only gotten out of bed to go to his funeral, and since, have had no desire to do anything more.

  While we were in Vegas, we each interviewed with the homicide detectives that were assigned to his case. I told them about his relationship with Tyron Marks, who he was visiting when he went out there. I also told them about the person who had been stalking him. I didn’t know what to think or who to point the finger at. I was thankful that with today’s technology and the advancement of forensics, it would only be a matter of time before it was all figured out.

  Simone

  The day after we buried Stacey, Carlton left for Seattle for the next leg of his tour. Stacey’s sister, Joy, and I went through his belongings in his house and started packing his things. Trying to decide what we’d keep and what we’d give away to charity was painstaking. Stacey’s mother had gone back to New York but a shell of the person she was before. Talise wasn’t getting out of the bed, nor sleeping well.

  The detectives had already been down and gathered what evidence they could from his house and picked up the stalker packages that Stacey had received from the North Hollywood police station that had been holding the evidence since we’d made the report. It seemed like just yesterday when we were worried about this sicko stalker, but never in a million years would we have thought this would happen.

  It took us two days to get Stacey’s house completely cleaned out. I had his mail forwarded to my house, so I could make sure that anything that needed attention was taken care of. Over the next few days, we received his death certificate, closed out all of his bank accounts and paid the small amount of outstanding bills he had with his creditors. Joy wanted to keep his truck, so we made arrangements to have it shipped to New York. We talked a lot about Stacey and the times they had growing up. I shared with her some of our more memorable moments here in LA — with Stacey, there was never a dull moment. It was therapeutic being with his sister. She looked so much like him. I got a lot of comfort from her being around that it was hard to see her go after more than two weeks had passed. She had to get back to her mother and her job, although it was hard for her to leave.

  Carlton called multiple times a day to check on me and turned out to be my rock during this difficult time. I’d called an old client of mine who was a realtor with Sotheby’s to list Stacey’s house for sale. I got her in contact with Joy in New York who was the executor of his estate.

  Every day I was caught off guard when mail came for Stacey. I was even more caught off guard when I received an envelope in the mail addressed to me from an attorney in Beverly Hills. When I opened it, I saw a petition for divorce in the name of Carlton and Charletta Banks. He filed for divorce? I couldn’t believe it. I picked up the phone and called him right away.

  “I got the package from your lawyer,” I said when he answered the phone.

  “Good. Now you know I’m serious. I want to be with you, Simone, and I’m not playing any games with you. The only thing that was keeping us together was the kids, and that can’t do it no more. I will always be there for my kids, but I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be with you.” I didn’t really know what I was feeling. I was so shocked that I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “How long will it take until its final, Carlton?”

  “I don’t know. Depends on if she’s going to try to fight me, but I don’t think she will. Shit, she probably wants out more than I do. At least with me filing, she can get more. I’m basically giving her a way out. I’m offering her a lot. I’m more than ready for this to be over.”

  “I love you, Carlton,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheek. “You make me so happy. I don’t know what I would do without you right now and that is so scary to me,” I whispered into the phone as tears ran down my face.

  “Well, you don’t have to be scared. I’m here and I love you, too. You know that. When you’re ready to join me on the road, let me know and I’ll send for you, okay?”

  “Okay, I’ll be ready in a few days. I need to get away from here for a while, but I need to spend some time with Talise. I’ll call you later, okay?”

  “All right, cool. And hey, I’m working on a big surprise for you,” he said with a smile in his voice.

  “What is it, Carlton?” I laughed through the last of my happy tears. He made me feel so good that this had to be right.

  “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it? You just keep your head up. Remember, there is always tomorrow, all right?”

  “All right, Carlton. I love you.” After hanging up the phone, I noticed my hands were shaking. I couldn’t believe that my relationship with him had moved so fast. No more than a couple of weeks ago I was willing to give him up, knowing I had never in my life felt this way about anyone before. Now things have turned a complete 180. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that man and hoped that was what the future held.

  I spent the next couple of days at Talise’s house. Malachi was at the hospital on a 48-hour shift and felt better knowing that I was going to be there with her. She finally shared the news of her pregnancy with me and I couldn’t have been happier. We joked that Stacey would be reincarnated as her baby girl. We had a good laugh at that. I finally got her out of the house to do some shopping and we spent a semi normal day together. We both tried to mend our hearts and go on with our lives, as we knew Stacey would want us to.

  Deon

  Sitting in my living room waiting for the call from my doctor, scared every time the phone rang, my nerves were shot. The sore had disappeared from my dick by the time I saw the doctor a couple of days ago, which made it hard for them to do a test for herpes. He said they would need to get a culture from a sore to get a definitive result. He took blood for an AIDS and HIV test and every other STD he could test for. He said we would have the results in a few days and that he would definitely put a rush on it. All I could do was wait to see what the outcome would be.

  I hadn’t talked to my family in a week. I had only left my house to go up to Loyola Marymount to workout and play a game or two of ball to release some of this stress. That was my only reprieve. When I was on the court, I didn’t have to think about anything that was going on in my life, just the ball and the basket.

  Shelly had called a few times and, of course, I sent her ass straight to voicemail. I don’t know why she was even calling me. There was nothing she could say to me. I had taken her to meet my family and felt like such a damned fool. I was too nice and nice guys always finish last and I’d be damned if I came in last at anything.

  I picked up the phone, deciding that I couldn’t wait any longer. I called the doctor’s private line and thankfully, got him in his office.

  “It’s Deon Bradford, Doctor Wharton. Any word yet?” I asked reluctantly after he answered by simply saying his name.

  “Deon, I was just about to call you with your results.”

  “Sorry, Doc. I couldn’t wait any longer. I’m going crazy over here.” I said honestly.

  “Well then let’s get down to business. The HIV test came back negative and so did the test for herpes and all other STDs, but just because the herpes test came back negative doesn’t mean that you are in the clear. I recommend that you come back in six months to be tested again for HIV, and if you get another sore, you should come in immediately. Other than that, you have a clean bill of health by me.” Dr. Wharton made my day. I thanked him, got off the phone, and went up to the rooftop to take a swim. I felt much better, but my mind still wasn’t completely at ease. I knew that the possibility of me having herpes was still there and more likely than not, I was infected. There really was no other way to explain having a sore on your dick. Just waiting to see if anythi
ng would pop up again would be painstaking, but there wasn’t anything I could do, but wait.

  Swimming was therapeutic for me and helped clear my mind. Around my 10th lap, I decided to kill the old Deon. From this point on, the old Deon was dead! I emerged from the water a new man with a new attitude toward women. I called Darryl Withers, my wildest teammate, to see what he was getting into tonight. He was surprised to hear from me, but was more than happy to have me join him and his boys. They were going to a mansion party in the Sunset Plaza area. I couldn’t wait. I was about to be a wild boy tonight. Hanging with Darryl Withers, there was no telling what kind of party this was going to be.

  Simone

  I sent Carlton a text message to let him know that I was on the phone with the detective, getting an update on Stacey’s murder case. He had just rung through my other line and I sent him straight to voicemail. I couldn’t believe what the detective was telling me. He interviewed Tyron and he completely denied even knowing Stacey. Said he may have seen him around a few times, but he didn’t know him personally. I was pissed off. I don’t know why I even expected him to tell the truth. It hurt to hear him deny my friend, because I know that would have hurt Stacey. Of course, he wasn’t anywhere to be seen at the funeral, and it made me mad that he wanted to make Stacey out to be some type of liar.

  “Well, were you able to follow up on the purchase of the truck? He bought that truck for him!” I stated.

  “Yes, we’re waiting on more info on that now. It was bought full out, so we are trying to do a paper trail and see how it was paid. We know he didn’t just walk in there and pay cash money. It had to be check or credit card or something traceable. Otherwise, it would have been reported to the FBI and IRS. You can’t just pay cash for a $100,000 car.”