Worth the Weight

by Mara Jacobs

  “Finn,” she started to say in a bargaining voice.

  “Liz, no. I can’t just take charity. It would take me forever to pay you back.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not okay. It’s not okay with me. Not from you, Liz. Christ, you’re the last person I want to take charity from.” Damn, his voice was hoarse, full of emotion.

  He watched her swallow, purse her lips, then seemed to accept his decision. She nodded. “Okay. But it’s available if it becomes the deal breaker between getting the operation and not.”

  He knew he would do anything to get Annie her operation. Liz had given him a graceful out in case he needed her money later. “That’s what’s so different about you and Dana, Liz,” he said.

  “There’s only one thing?” she teased, “after all you’ve told me, I’d hoped I’d be her complete opposite.”

  “Oh you are, you are. You’re so honest and giving. Not like her at all. No hidden agendas, no behind the back plans.”

  She ducked her head, not looking at him. She never could take a compliment.

  After a moment she asked, “So, what are you going to do? About the money?”

  “When we’re in Ann Arbor, I get to sit down with the bean counters and propose a way to pay for this thing for the next eighty years of my life. It’s not looking good right now.”

  “They honestly wouldn’t do the operation if you couldn’t find a way to pay for it?”

  “That’s right. They run a business, Liz, they can’t just be giving it away.”

  “That’s what you get for going to the University of Michigan Hospital.”

  “I know the Spartan in you can’t stand it, but you have to admit U of M has one of the best hospitals around.”

  “Okay, I admit it, grudgingly, but only because State doesn’t have a hospital of their own. If they did, I’m sure it’d be better.”

  He laughed.

  They sat for a minute. “You sound so matter of fact about all this, aren’t you furious?”

  “Not anymore, but I can show you the holes in the barn walls to prove I was. Fury takes up too much of my time. Time Annie needs me to spend on her. She has always clung to me, no surprise, really, with no mother, and having been in a wheelchair as long as she can remember. But now, as the idea of this operation gets closer, she panics if I’m out of her sight for very long. Gets real pouty when I have to go to the theater to work.

  “There’s this camp for kids like Annie near Munising. Gran wanted her to spend part of the summer there, getting used to being around other kids like her. She also thinks it might be good for Stevie. He really gets the short end of the stick because of the attention Annie needs. But...I just couldn’t be away from her for that long. They went down there yesterday to spend the weekend, but...as you know...there was a change in plans and they’re back.”

  He waited for Liz to digest all the stuff he was throwing at her. “She’s never seen me with a woman before. None’s ever come to the house. That’s why the reaction tonight.”

  “You haven’t been with a woman since Dana left?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  He could see her mentally replaying his words. “Oh. Right. Just that you hadn’t brought one around Annie.”

  “Right.” He had to be straight with her. “But Liz, it’s more because there wasn’t one I wanted around my daughter. I’d…I’d like for you to meet Annie. Really meet her, get to know her, and Stevie of course, if you’d like that?” He waited for her answer, his breathing halted.

  What the hell was he thinking? Annie was going to blow a nut. And Liz was only in town for a short time. Why was this so important to him, for her to get to know his kids? Damned if he knew, but he did know he wanted Liz to say yes more than he’d wanted anything in a long, long time.

  “I’d like to get to know your family.”

  He exhaled a sigh of relief. “Good. Good. That’s great.”

  They sat in silence for a few more minutes then, without saying a word, they both got up and made their way to their cars.

  He didn’t try to kiss her good night. That moment had passed and even he wasn’t horny enough to force it.

  He told her he’d call her the next day then followed her truck through Hancock until she turned up the hill at Bob’s Mobil.

  He noticed the verse on Bob’s sign, “The Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”.

  At the beach, he’d been stoked that Liz said she wanted to get to know his kids, but suddenly, he wasn’t so sure that he hadn’t just made a horrible mistake.

  Chapter Ten

  √ Google spinal fusion operations

  √ Pick up burgers and buns

  √ Have Sybil email past fundraiser information

  “Are you sure it’s not the grandmother? I mean, isn’t that the old cliché, ‘my grandmother needs an operation’ ?” Alison joked.

  “Stop it, Alison, God, how can you be so heartless?” Katie chided.

  “Years of practice?”

  Her cynical friend made Lizzie laugh and laughter was what she desperately needed right now. Finn and his children were due to arrive at Alison’s place for swimming, saunaing and burgers. Lizzie was eying the bowl of potato chips on the picnic table in front of her like they’d be the answer to her nervousness. Knowing better, but fearing she’d be unable to win a staring match with the salty temptation, she turned around on the bench and looked out at the water.

  She watched the two men standing on the dock. Katie’s husband, Ron, and Alison’s date, a man Lizzie had never met named Brandt.

  “Brandt seems nice, Al. Third date, eh? Just in time to bring him around to meet Katie and me.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t be picking out your bridesmaid dress just yet.”

  “Too bad, I’m thinking taffeta and opera gloves,” Lizzie joked then looked at the men again.

  Brandt was shorter than Ron and much thinner. His legs had obviously not been informed that it was nearing the end of June, they shone death-white from under his shorts. He seemed okay to Lizzie. Kind of boring, but okay. Probably able to keep up with Alison intellectually, which was a must. But, Lizzie had the feeling he wouldn’t be strong enough for her friend. And that’s what Alison really needed, someone who could see through to the real Al, not let her sarcasm and cynicism push them away.

  It was obvious to Lizzie that it was just a defense mechanism, but one that had been in place so long, it was as comfortable to Alison as second skin. Lizzie should know about second skins, the one she’d developed was just that, layers of skin. And fat.

  Brandt was the Civil Engineering prof from Tech that Alison had mentioned when they were in Lizzie’s room picking out an outfit. That day seemed like a lifetime ago, but had only been a little over two weeks. It was amazing what could change in so short of time.

  Now there was Annie.

  The one time she’d been to the farm since the night Lizzie had first met Annie had been a disaster.

  Clea had made a lovely dinner of roast and mashed potatoes, that normally would have had Lizzie jumping for joy, but she couldn’t even eat much under the intense interrogation of the ten-year-old. She half expected Annie to pull out a rubber hose and shine a spotlight in her face. “How long are you staying here? You are going back to Detroit, right? You knew my dad a long time ago? Did you know my mom? Why aren’t you married? Why don’t you have any kids?”

  She tried to allay the little girl’s fears of Lizzie encroaching on the her turf. But Lizzie found no articulate way of saying, “Hey kid, ease up, I’m only here to sleep with your father a few times - which, by the way, your mere presence has put seriously behind schedule - then I’m on my way.”

  The entire night was uncomfortable and forced, two things Lizzie had never felt around Finn. And she went home unsatisfied, again. Something she was very used to feeling around Finn.

  She’d invited them here to Alison’s thinking that s
he would at least have a home court advantage when tangling with Annie again.

  Ron and Brandt looked beyond Lizzie to the driveway. She followed their gaze and saw the Robbins family arriving. Finn was already out of the minivan that Clea normally drove and taking the collapsible wheelchair out of the back. Stevie had slid out the other side and went around to Annie’s side to wait for Finn to bring the chair around. Finn unfolded the chair and in one fluid movement, undid Annie’s seatbelt, swept her in his arms and placed her in her wheelchair. It was a flawless routine, practiced to perfection over years.

  Stevie waited until they had cleared the minivan, then reached inside and grabbed a large duffel bag, and a plate covered with tinfoil.

  “Hey guys,” Lizzie got up to greet the last arrivals.

  “Hey there,” Finn greeted her. He zoomed in for a kiss, seemed to feel Annie staring down the back of his head and detoured to Lizzie’s cheek at the last second. He gave a tiny shrug of apology to her.

  Surely this man has had sex in the last seven years since Dana left? He must have some way of getting free. She just needed to be patient and let Finn figure it out. But when he raked his eyes over her like that, gazing in obvious appreciation of her tankini top and gym shorts that covered the bottom of her swimsuit, she hoped he’d figure out a way for them to be alone together. Soon.

  After introductions were made, beer for the adults and pop for the kids distributed, Katie led Finn and Annie to the dock where, with Ron and Brandt’s help, all four were able to get the wheelchair to the dock’s end. Alison was inside doing something in the kitchen. Lizzie and Stevie settled themselves at the picnic table, watching Annie and Finn.

  Well, at least Lizzie was watching Annie and Finn. Stevie’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head as he watched the bikini-clad Katie on the dock. Lizzie, remembering the torture of fourteen-year old boys subjected to the sight of Katie in high school, felt sorry for the kid.

  “She’s spectacular, eh?” Lizzie asked him.

  Stevie didn’t even pretend not to know what she was talking about. “God, yeah. She’s your age?”

  “Ouch.” It would never really go away, she thought, the pang she’d feel when men would ogle her best friend. Even a teen coveting Katie made Lizzie think about her inadequacies.

  Sensing his error, Stevie started to backpedal. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re pretty…but in a mom way, you know?”

  Lizzie, knowing that Katie would kill to be looked at as a mother - to actually be a mother - thought there were injustices to everyone in the world, even the beautiful ones.

  “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.” She needed to change the subject before she dove head first into the ever-taunting bowl of potato chips that she knew were lurking behind her. “So, did your dad drag you here today? Were you supposed to do something with your friends?”

  He shrugged. “It’s okay. Annie never gets to go to the water. She won’t go to the beach ‘cause she thinks everyone will stare at her, so this is good.”

  It dawned on her how much this boy had given up, would continue to give up, because of his sister. Out of the blue, she felt the need to touch Stevie. She scooted closer to him and meant to tousle his hair, but instead her hand stayed on his head. “You don’t fool me, Stevie. You’re a good kid.”

  She felt his head tense under her touch, then as she spoke it seemed to lighten, as if a huge weight had been lifted from it and the only thing keeping it attached to his body was Lizzie’s strong hold.

  He leaned in to her, almost a half hug, then, seeing his father’s eyes on him from the dock, became embarrassed. He left the table mumbling something about changing into his swimsuit.

  Finn’s eyes followed his son allowing her to watch him unnoticed. He was a contrast in skin tones, his torso darkly tan from working in the fields without a shirt. His back and forearms were strong and his muscles rippled as he adjusted the brakes on Annie’s wheelchair. His legs peeking out of shorts were as white as Brandt’s. Apparently, he always wore jeans while working outside. Her eyes returned to his chest, so lean and dusted with brownish hair that was turning lighter as the days, and the sunshine, increased. It was all she could do not to lick her lips with the fission of desire that shot through her.

  She saw half naked men all the time in the business she was in. And those men were professional athletes whose bodies were highly-maintained works of art. But not one of them sent a shiver racing through her blood like looking at Finn did.

  She got up and made her way to the dock just in time to hear Finn say, “The doctor said you need to strengthen your legs, this would be a great start.” There was a determined look across Annie’s face that reminded her of Finn’s stubborn pride, but Lizzie also thought she saw a trace of fear in the huge blue eyes.

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Want to what?” Lizzie asked.

  Katie explained, “We thought Annie might like to swim. We could take her out of her brace and put her in a life jacket and put one of those floaty things around her legs. Alison’s got children’s size jackets in the boat house that belonged to her nieces.”

  “Oh, I’ve seen that done with paraplegics before, it’s good exercise for them,” Lizzie said.

  “I am not a cripple! I can move my legs,” Annie shouted.

  Knowing she should feel chastised, but instead letting the kid push all her buttons, she simply said, “Prove it.” She sounded like Alison, not good ol’ Lizzie. She kind of liked it. Maybe Alison had the right idea all along, speaking her mind, damn the consequences.

  The kid had spunk. Once faced with the dare, Annie allowed herself to be put in the life jacket, water wings around her arms and a Barney flotation ring around her thighs, holding her legs up. Alison’s youngest niece was thirteen, at a point where Barney was only an embarrassing memory of youthful adulation. Like Shaun Cassidy was now to Lizzie. There was no telling how long the wings and Barney ring had been in the boathouse, but they held air. They also held Annie’s limbs.

  Katie, Alison and Lizzie sat side by side on the end of the dock, dangling their legs in the cooling water, watching as Stevie and Finn administered advice and helping hands to a floating Annie. Lizzie could see the excitement and terror shining from Annie’s eyes from her perch.

  “Deeper. I want to go deeper,” Annie demanded.

  “It doesn’t matter how deep ya are, ya dope, you can’t stand up anyway,” Stevie said.

  That seemed to set Annie off even more. “Daddy, deeper!”

  “We can’t, honey, Stevie’s up to his chin now, and we really need to have two people with you. This is fine, this is deep enough.”

  Without thinking, Lizzie lifted her bottom off the dock, slid into the water, and did a few quick strokes to get out to where the threesome floated.

  When she reached Finn and Annie, Stevie quickly relinquished his position at Annie’s feet to Lizzie and swam back to shore.

  “Not her,” Annie said to Finn. Not quietly enough so that Lizzie couldn’t hear.

  “Do you want to go deeper, or not? Because there doesn’t look to be any other takers to help.” There were, of course. Everyone there, besides Stevie, would be happy to dive in and help, but Lizzie kept that bit of information to herself.

  “I want to go deeper,” Annie said, her voice small and tinged with resignation.

  Lizzie gently put her hands on Annie’s calves and followed Finn’s lead as he took his daughter deeper. Stevie was right. For all intents and purposes, two feet of water or twenty would be the same to Annie, but there seemed to be a sense of freedom that shone across her face with each yard they moved from the shoreline. Lizzie realized that this might be the first time that Annie had not found herself bound to land in some fashion and her irritation with the girl was tempered with a new sense of empathy.

  “Annie, what if I slipped off the Barney ring and held your legs up with my hands? I think Barney’s springing a leak.” A look of terror overcame Annie as she looked at the floa
ty ring and saw its rapidly decreasing size. “It’s okay. You don’t need it, I’ll just slip it off and hold your legs myself.”

  Finn started to make his way from holding Annie’s head in his hands to her legs, but the movement seemed to scare Annie even more and she began to struggle.

  Lizzie put on her soothing tone, the voice she used when dealing with arrogant athletes. “No, Finn, you stay there. I’ve got your legs, Annie, see?” She slipped the ring off and threw it towards land. “There, who needs Barney anyway, he’s so passé.”

  “Huh?” Annie said.

  “He’s old, out of style.” At Annie’s nod, she continued, “Okay. I’m going to raise my hands up to your fanny now, so you can kick your legs.” She saw the look of panic from Annie, but didn’t let herself look at Finn to see his reaction. “Your dad says you need to strengthen your legs as much as possible before your operation. Here... now.... I’ve got you just as tight as before, just higher, that’s all. Your legs want to float naturally, they didn’t really need Barney at all. There, now let’s just start slow.”

  The panicked look abated somewhat as Annie could see her feet and toes sticking up from the water. Lizzie watched her comfort level rise, and charged on. “Okay. Now just from the knees down. Bend your knees down then up. If it helps, watch your toes. Make ‘em disappear in the water when you take them down, then bring them back up so you can see them.”

  That was all it took. It seemed as if the little girl had been doing a backstroke kick all her life, she took to it so naturally. She quickly incorporated her entire legs. “Let go, Lizzie, let go, I can keep myself up.”

  “Of course you can.” Lizzie let go and Finn had to step lively to keep up his hold on his daughter.

  “Let go Daddy, I want to try it by myself.”

  “Are you sure?” He was reluctant to release her head.

  “She can do it, Finn. Use your arms, too, Annie, that will keep your head up.”

  A small nod from the tiny head, acknowledged her instructions, and Finn slowly eased his hand from under his daughter’s head. Her head immediately went underwater and Finn jumped to put his hand back, but Lizzie swayed him with a curt, “No. Don’t. She can do it.”