Howl

by Annalise Grey

  “That’s why I’m here.” I stepped back and let him lead the way out of the door. To spend a relaxing evening with you. I thought to myself with an edge of bitterness that chipped away at my determination a little more. We took the stairs back up to the main level and said good night to the guards. As they responded, I thought how boring it must be to have to work overnight. At least they get to talk to each other. I thought to myself. It made me very grateful that Gavin didn’t have me working on third shift.

  We walked out to our vehicles and Jaime put his paperwork in his briefcase which was on the floor behind his seat. “Do you think we could take a walk? That’s why I stopped by, actually. We’re running out of decent evenings so I thought it would be great to be outside tonight.” Jaime shut his door and turned to me.

  “Let’s go.” Jaime grabbed my hand and nodded toward the closest path behind the research station. His hand was rough but so warm as we walked.

  I was here for a reason and I had to harden myself to accomplish what needed to be done. The way Jaime made me feel only encouraged me. So I took a deep breath and stopped walking when we had gone far enough into the woods that no one would see or hear us. I listened very hard and took in the scent of the woods one more time to ensure that we were the only people around. Jaime stopped with me and gave me an odd look. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

  “I have something really important to tell you. This is very difficult to say so I need you to not speak until I’m done.” I put my hand up to stop him because he was about to say something. I feared that if he stopped me I might not be able to finish. With Jaime standing there in front of me dumbfounded, I quickly started getting undressed. Jaime took a step back and looked around the woods, nervous that someone was going to see his weirdo girlfriend stripping. As I stood there shivering a little from the chill I looked Jaime in the eyes. “Please, I’m not going to do anything. I just need you to see. Just don’t run, okay?” Jaime actually looked a little scared at my question.

  I immediately shifted right in front of him, landing on all fours. I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes though, as my transformation finished. I could hear his heart skip a beat and then pound desperately loud in his chest. His breath caught and there was the distinct sound of his hand gun being unholstered.

  Click. My stomach seized and terror griped me as Jaime cocked the hammer of his gun. I was still human enough to know what the bullet inside Jaime’s gun would do to me. No, no, no.... A whimper escaped my throat.

  I didn’t dare move my eyes even an inch off the ground. You never stare down an enemy, animal or human unless you are purposely showing your superiority or goading them into attack. I lowered my ears and carefully showed my subordination. Jaime studied enough animals to understand my action. At least that was the lifeline I clung to because my life really did depend on it.

  Another click. This one was slower and deliberate. He’s uncocked the hammer. I peeked up. Jaime’s gun hung at his side, his finger off the trigger.

  I shifted back then. As the heat of shifting left my skin, I reached for my clothes, tears now pooling at the corners of each eye. Petrified to look at his face, I just dressed as quickly as my trembling hands and useless fingers would allow. I seemed to be fumbling with my clothes more than actually getting anywhere.

  Several minutes passed between us with neither saying a word. After I managed to pull my wool coat over my shoulders, I sat down on a small boulder along the edge of the path. I put my head in my hands and I waited. My tears spilled over onto my knees, soaking little puddles of heat and salt onto my jeans. It took several more minutes for Jaime’s heartbeat to return to a more normal speed. His breathing also slowed and deepened.

  “What the fuck was that?!”

  I looked at Jaime for the first time and studied his face. He was staring at the spot where I had transformed. “The world you live in is about to change. I know this must seem impossible to comprehend but I had to tell you. I don’t want secrets between us. I lo…” I stopped then. I just couldn’t get those three words out, not yet when he was still in shock.

  Jaime didn’t blink for what must have been several more minutes. His brilliant blue eyes were piercing in their determination to take in what he had just seen. I wanted to speak but I guessed it would be best to let him work through this without more from me. My hands were still shaking a little as I sat and waited for Jaime to say something.

  “Was it you?”

  “What?”

  “Last March. Just before the blizzard. That was you I saw, wasn’t it? You have a patch of black on your left hind leg.” He rubbed his jaw, tense and less than steady though his words were definite.

  “Yes, that was me.” I said.

  “How many are there?” His voice quivered with fright.

  “There’s only me.”

  “Don’t lie to me! I know there’s more that just you. I’ve found tracks at different points in the forest and they don’t all belong to the same animal.”

  “Maybe you’re mistaken?”

  “Mistaken? Ever since I saw you,” He gulped at the word “last spring I’ve been studying any unusual tracks I came across, taking notes and comparing. Until now, I thought it was just a new breed of wolf. Apparently I’m…” Jaime grimaced as his thought trailed off. “And some of the rangers have been whispering of sightings around the area.”

  “What?’ I breathed. There’s no way that was us.

  “Rumors have been going around town in the last few months but I never believed them until….”

  Thomas had never told us any of this. Did he even know? Have we been teetering on the verge of disaster all this time and not know it? Was Jaime just the beginning?

  “I need to know how many more are out there.” A hint of calm returned to Jaime's voice.

  “There are a few packs within a 100 mile radius. I’m not sure of the numbers.” I murmured. I really didn’t know.

  “A few packs?” Jaime gasped as he took this in. My eyes bounced between his face and the gun in his hand, each merciless and inescapable. “All those stories....And you're one of them.”

  “We’re not dangerous, Jaime! You know me – you know I would never hurt you or anyone else! The stories you heard are just that: exaggerated stories. Made up!” I threw my hands up in surrender.

  “And Thomas? He's like you, too? Is your family one of the packs?”

  I wanted to answer, to say something but the words never came. My mouth just hung open stupidly as he studied it.

  “Right.” There was a hideous silence between us as Jaime worked through the monstrosity that was his girlfriend and I ached for something to say. “I have to go.” Jaime turned and started walking back toward his jeep without a word more.

  “Jaime please! You can’t tell anyone!” I wanted to run after him, to make him understand but how? Tears spilled down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away. My breaths came fast and heavy as I listed to the crunching of leaves beneath Jaime’s feet as he walked away. Within a few minutes, I heard Jaime’s engine start. He’s not coming back. The tiny sparkle of hope I had that he would turn around died with the sound of his tires squealing on the pavement; his apparently desperate attempt to leave the research center, the woods, and me behind as quickly as possible.

  For the first time in my life, I had no idea how to exist. My head spun as fast as the thoughts came and went. For some time I didn’t know which was up or where I was. I was neither fully wolf nor fully human. I wanted to shift to escape this painful pummeling of emotions but I knew that it wasn’t going to make this better. There was no escaping my actions or the repercussions. Right then, I realized how much being human allowed me. The giving of myself to another even if it cost me everything was the true essence of my humanity.

  The weight of my decision was too much to bear alone. I would have to tell Gavin. I had screwed up horribly and now I would have to pay for it. My family had to come first and I had let them down, even if they di
dn't know it yet. My heart pounded in my chest as I sat, staring into the darkening forest. I knew then that I was small and insignificant. I put my head in my hands and rocked back and forth, taking deep breaths to calm the sobs that were building in my chest. What have I done? I asked myself over and over.

  *

  “Gavin, I have something to tell you.” My voice was hoarse by the time I'd walked through the door.

  Gavin immediately looked up from the stack of bills laid out before him. “What is it?”

  Tristan and Mom were seated with Gavin at the dinning room table. I sat down across from Tristan and told my story from the beginning. As the words spilled out I stared at my hands. I couldn't even look them in the eyes as I confessed my deceit. Fear and hurt hung in the air like a suffocating blanket, taking any hope of life or forgiveness with it. I didn't need to look up to know their reaction.

  Gavin slammed his hand down on the table so hard a chunk the size of a dinner plate split off. “You don't know what you've done!”

  “I'm sorry Gavin!” I cried out several times amid his roaring. The yelling and breaking of our table caused Lorelei and John to come out of their apartment. Kylin followed immediately afterward.

  “What did I miss?” Kylin asked.

  “Sophie's human boyfriend knows what we are.” Tristan explained with a tight, expressionless voice.

  “I thought you broke up with him!” Lorelei growled. “Did you put her up to this?” She turned to Tristan with a death stare.

  “You knew about this and didn't tell me?” Gavin bellowed at her.

  Lorelei stammered, clearly not wanting to be blamed in anyway. “I heard about it but I.....I mean, I.....”

  Gavin ran a hand over the back of his neck and glared at her. “I don't want excuses. You should have told me. I would never have allowed this.” He turned toward me again. “You, Sophie, are forbidden from having any contact with this human again.”

  I curled my knees against my chest and sobbed. It was an order and I would have to obey. “You had better hope and pray that he doesn't go running his mouth to the people of this town.” A frustrated growl erupted from Gavin's throat. “You put us in an extremely dangerous position.”

  “You need to call Thomas.” Lorelei spoke up. “The human is someone he works with.”

  Another growl erupted from Gavin. “Who?”

  “Jaime somebody.” Lorelei handed him her cell.

  Gavin took the cell and walked outside. Through wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve, I looked up at Tristan. His jaw was tense but his eyes had weariness about them. “I'm sorry.” I whispered.

  Lorelei waved me off in disgust and left the room. Tristan paid her no attention. “I know Fifi.” He whispered back. “I'm sorry, too.”

  *

  I wasn't just forbidden to have contact with Jaime. I was forbidden from the leaving the house. My bedroom became my solitary confinement. My cell phone was taken from me. Not like I could have used it anyway. No contact meant no text messages, email, or anything. I was physically unable to contact Jaime in any way because of Gavin’s command.

  I became a virtual prisoner in my own home. During the day I read and scrubbed every inch of bedroom from top to bottom. At night, I laid awake staring out my window at the waxing Beaver Moon. The wolf inside ached more than ever to be let free. To run under the luminescent beauty of the moon, feel the wind caress my fur without care or concern. It dawned on me that I had been ignoring my inner animal for so long; denying my other half to such an extent that now that Jaime was out of the picture and I was holed up in my house, my wolfish nature was clawing to get out. Sometimes I felt it so strongly as I sat by my window watching the moon, that I felt like I might split apart.

  Gavin had Daniel, Tristan, and Granddad running perimeter reconnaissance every hour in case anyone came onto our land. Beyond the bare minimal goings on in and around the house, nobody spoke to me except Tristan. It was as if I were a thin wisp of smoke that dissipated if anyone else came near. No one acknowledged my presence if they could help it. Lorelei refused to meet my eyes. Granddad had put Tristan on “Sophie duty” which meant he was responsible for making sure I knew when meals were served. Gavin’s muscles tensed and teeth flashed if I came within five feet of him. Even Mom and Will quietly but quickly retreated from a room if I entered. I had never seen this kind of animosity in my family before. But I couldn’t not understand it. They were frightened and with good reason. It was all my fault.

  I wasn't told whether or not Thomas had spoken with Jaime and what, if anything, might have been said. I tried prying information out of Tristan but he was just as uninformed as me. If there were any developments Gavin wasn't telling anyone in our house. Or at least, not telling the one person who would have told me. Being kept in the dark was as depressing as it was frustrating. What if Jaime didn't want to hear anything Thomas had to say? What if Jaime was already out there telling the world about us? Would anyone believe him? If he tells the right people, yes, they might.

  I hoped and prayed beyond reason that he wouldn't breathe a word of our existence but as I sat alone for hours at a time, my certainty became less and less. I recalled the story Lorelei told me about the mother and her children, hunted and killed by their own father. Could my Jaime really become that kind of monster? I wanted to believe only the best of Jaime but I couldn't deny I had made a tremendous misstep in telling him the truth. Instead of embracing me with open arms he pulled his gun on me. Could he really have been capable of pulling the trigger, too? What else was he capable of? What else, what if, what now?

  Along with worrying myself half sick over events that were now out of my control and knowledge, I beat myself up constantly for ever causing these events in the first place. I hated myself for being so weak. I was no better than a child, impatient and selfish. I wanted and took with no real concern for the consequences. How self-centered was I to allow myself to love someone I could never have? I had a choice and I chose wrong. I deserved whatever bad came my way but in the end my pack, my family would pay the fine.

  “I told you to tell.” Tristan sat down on the couch next to me.

  “But I made the decision to do it.” I didn't look up from my book.

  “You did what you thought was right. I can't blame you for that.”

  “Everyone else can and they do.”

  “And you blame yourself.”

  I stared for a moment at the words on my page until they blurred. “If something happens to this family I’ll never forgive myself.” I muttered.

  “I still love you Fifi.”

  “Don’t bother, Tristan. I’m not worth your time.” I slammed my book shut and went back to my room.

  *

  “Something has happened.” Gavin gestured for me to sit down next to him.

  My heart sank into my shoes. “What is it?” I croaked.

  “A ranger went missing a few days ago. His body was discovered yesterday afternoon in our hunting grounds. The body was torn apart and the police are saying that preliminary evidence points toward a wolf attack.” Gavin's eyes shifted quickly between me and Thomas who was seated across from me.

  “Who could have…?” I gasped.

  Thomas shook his head. “We don’t know yet. But it is more complicated that you know. Jaime is involved now and not just because it was one of his rangers.”

  “I don't understand....”

  “Jaime received an anonymous call yesterday morning that reported the body.” Thomas swallowed hard. “But the caller wasn't just a concerned citizen. He knew about us and all but told Jaime that the Matthews pack has been secretly hunting hikers.”

  “And now that the ranger's body has been found, it's confirmed that there is,” Gavin paused a took a breath, “a dangerous wolf roaming the National Forest, within our hunting grounds, no less.”

  “It can't be! We would never....”

  Thomas interrupted. “I know that. And I think Jaime knows that too but he won't talk to me. No
t since our confrontation.”

  “What confrontation? What did you do?” I bared my teeth and pushed my seat back, prepared to spring.

  “Sit. Down.” Gavin ordered. I sat, seething at being forced to take even one more order.

  Thomas continued. “He wouldn't answer my calls that first night after your... admission. So first thing the next morning I drove to his apartment. He had apparently been trying to call you just before I arrived. But I told him that you were not permitted to ever see him again. He became angry and insisted that he be allowed to speak to you but I refused. It wasn't my call but it was still something I supported. So we had a very heated argument. He has avoided me at work until just yesterday when he received the call about the ranger.”

  “What does this have to do with me?”

  Gavin cocked his head disdainfully at me before speaking very slowly. “Thomas and I have agreed that we may need him on our side. So far, it seems that he hasn't shared our secret with anyone and now that the police are involved with this attack,”

  “We need as many allies as we can get.” Thomas interrupted. “And this investigation will be multipronged – police, Wildlife Conservation, and I’m the only veterinarian in Kane. Combine all this with the rumors hunters have been spreading about wolf-men in the area, well, this could get ugly fast.”

  “But he wants to talk to you first. That's the deal we struck for his…cooperation.” Gavin handed me my cell phone, fully charged. “He's waiting to hear from you.”

  ~Too much to ask for~

  “Thank you for meeting me.” Jaime said he leaned against his vehicle.