Howl

by Annalise Grey

  I nodded.

  I kicked a few pebbles around with the toe of my hiking boot wondering if I should say something or if it would be better to let him lead the conversation.

  “Let’s sit in the Jeep. It’s pretty chilly out here.” Jaime turned and opened his door. I walked around to the passenger’s side and got in. Jaime turned the engine back on and cranked up the heat. I hadn’t really noticed how chilly it was outside until I was in the warm and familiar Jeep. Without meaning to, I took in the feel of the cloth seats, the scent of Jaime in the air, how the floor boards beneath my feet were stained with mud. It was as if I knew this would be the last time I would ever sit in this spot, so close to him that I could reach out and touch his warm, rough hands. I took in the scene, drinking in every sense so deeply that I was sure to remember every detail even weeks from now. My stomach turned over as this thought hit me like a brick wall toppling down on me, fast and unforgiving. Real bricks would probably have been easier to deal with than Jaime’s discarding of me. I blinked back a few tears that were threatening to reveal my sadness.

  “I thought werewolves were myths, legends. Not real.” Jaime abruptly turned to face me.

  The words caught me off guard. To hear him acknowledge what he saw and use the word werewolf sent a jolt of electricity through me. It took me a moment to regain my composure. I had to think of the right wording for my response. I took a long, deep breath before speaking.

  “A lot of legends have basis in fact that has been warped with time.”

  “It’s not medically possible. You can’t just change your whole physical being.”

  He said it like he was trying to convince himself of this fact more than me.

  “Jaime, you live in a world of technology where everything is computed and taken as stone-cold fact. But not everything can be measured and explained away with science. Some things just are.” I paused giving him time to think this over before I asked “Do you believe in ghosts?”

  “What?” Jaime shot me an incredulous look. “I don’t know. I mean, sure, I guess.” He put a hand to his face and wiped away some sweat. It wasn’t that hot in the Jeep. Jaime was really struggling with this. My mind raced trying to think of what to say. I had to try to make this as smooth as possible for him while trying to stay calm myself. It was even harder than I had imagined. I had to work to keep my breathing even so I didn’t hyperventilate.

  “Ghosts are a perfect example of how the human world is limited by its own knowledge. Your kind doesn’t believe in them because you can’t calculate the human spirit. But the spirit is just another form of energy that you haven’t been able to quantify yet. It exists in my world because we don’t believe in only what we can measure; we accept what is and can be.”

  Jaime was silent for another minute or so. I sat patiently though I was terrified at what that silence may mean. My eyes shifted to the console between us. I focused on the CDs Jaime kept in its grooves, doing my best to distract myself from my terror. Finally Jaime broke the silence. “You have to understand that this has me questioning my sanity.”

  “I know.” I was saddened at the thought of Jaime doubting himself but at least he was just questioning his sanity instead of fully doubting it.

  “Thomas said that you were never allowed to see me again.”

  I nodded.

  “This whole time, you have been telling me about your family's rules. It's not your age. They don't want you dating a human?”

  “It goes against our law. It's dangerous to be with a human. Especially for me.”

  “How so?”

  “The werewolf gene is only passed through females. My real identity would be discovered as soon as I have children. It would be impossible to cover that up.” One by one the bricks lifted off me as I admitted the truth. “Werewolves and humans….It would be lethal.”

  “You didn't trust me?” He leaned his head against the window and sighed. “Or didn't you trust yourself?”

  “I’m not dangerous, if that's what you're asking.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “How many humans would be able to accept me once they find out what I am? I would be hunted and killed for simply being.”

  “And what about the others? Are you the only one who isn’t dangerous?”

  “That attack wasn't committed by anyone in my family. Please believe that.” I twisted in my seat to face him directly. “We would never kill an innocent person.”

  The Jeep was very quiet for several minutes. There was so much more I wanted to say but didn't know how or if I should.

  “Where do we go from here?” He asked.

  The sadness I hoped I could reign in during this discussion broke through and a flood of tears spilled over my eyes. I wiped them away, hoping Jaime wouldn’t see. It didn’t work. He shifted his weight toward me. He leaned over and put one hand on the back of my neck. Jaime pulled me toward him and kissed me. I couldn’t have fought even if I wanted to. I could barely breathe between the tears and the happiness of being enveloped in his kisses. His hands in my hair, his breath on my face, his eyes closed in intimate burning, made me fall apart. There was nothing in this world that could render my strengths useless like Jaime could.

  I had prayed that he would still want me though in reality, it didn’t seem possible. Foolish hope for a foolish, callow girl. A fantasy that seemed as unlikely to me as a werewolf existing to him. As he kissed me I allowed myself an instant of hope, however irrational it may have been. He was so warm and beautiful. His kisses, I was certain, could save me from myself; from my own overwhelming sense of desolation.

  “I love you Sophie. I don’t know how to be without you. But I’m so mixed up I don’t even know what’s real anymore.” Jaime whispered into my ear in a moment’s pause. I leaned my head against his shoulder, burying my face in his neck. His scent was so comforting that I allowed myself a few more tears. I wept silently and held onto him, aching at the thought of letting go. “And I’m so sorry about how I reacted before.”

  “There is nothing to forgive, Jaime.” I shook my head.

  “I pulled a gun on you. I am so ashamed.” Jaime’s face was kind and sincere as he spoke. I swallowed down a few more tears as I placed a hand against his cheek. I softly brushed my fingers along the long curve of his jaw and down his neck to the top of his ranger jacket. I grasped the collar in my fingers and pulled him closer.

  “Please don’t fear me. I couldn’t bear it if you did.”

  Jaime’s head tilted slightly to one side as he studied my face.

  “I don’t.” Our eyes locked on one another for another moment before he spoke again. “And I definitely don’t want to lose you.”

  “Jaime that choice isn’t yours or mine.” I muttered. “Gavin and Thomas….”

  “They overrule you, then? They have all the control over your life?”

  “You don’t understand pack dynamics. Gavin is Alpha and Thomas his Second. There is nothing I can do if they forbid me from being with you.” Misery again crept slowly across my chest, seeping into my heart. “There is something else you should know.”

  “What?”

  “Daniel, the wolf you met at the hayride, is vying for me. And everyone wants us to be paired. I don't have a say in my own future Jaime. Now more than ever.”

  “So what you want doesn’t matter? Don’t they care about your happiness?” Incredulity poured out of every note in his voice.

  “They are afraid! We stay hidden for a very specific reason: because we will be hunted and killed if they humans learn of our existence. We aren't the immortal creatures Hollywood portrays us as. And Gavin and Thomas are only doing what they think is best for our family. For our lives.”

  Jaime shifted away from me. “So make your own choice Sophie.”

  “I can’t.” A sob gripped my throat with iron claws. Breathe, just breathe. “I am physically unable to do something they have forbidden. It is old, old magic that you can’t even begin to comprehend.”


  “Fine. Wait here.” He grabbed the handle to the Jeep and swung the door open faster than I could blink. The door slammed with a metallic thud, vibrating the car. Jaime punched a number into his phone and I didn’t have to guess who it belonged to. My nerves were wrecked from the gust-twisting emotional rollercoaster of the day. My insides felt as if they had been shredded and were being held together by watered-down glue. How much more can I take?

  “I’m to bring you back to your house. Gavin wants to meet me.” Was all Jaime said after sliding into his seat next to mine. The muscles in my jaw slackened until I was certain it was laying in my lap.

  *

  It was very surreal having a human on our property for the first time but having that human be my boyfriend was intense. Even Kate had never set foot on our land and as Jaime and I pulled into our driveway, I marveled at how that had been possible. I knew she wasn’t close to her own family and considered ours to be ‘overly clingy’ but still to have never seen your in-laws’ house was quite remarkable. Jaime would be the first.

  He seemed semi-at ease although I wasn't sure how that could be. The apprehension and mistrust in the air was blatant. Mom fidgeted constantly while Will absently wiped and rewiped the same spot on the counter. Kylin and Ethan both stood in the corner, heads bowed, talking in hushed tones. Even Thomas seemed discontent though he had known Jaime very well for some time. Lorelei and John gave the babies plenty of toys to keep themselves occupied in their playpen but after a minute in the dining room, even LJ and Nina were crying furiously. The anxiety loomed over our heads in such a heavy cloud as to be tangible. Even the littlest among us could feel it.

  Gavin wasted no time on formalities so it was up to me to introduce Jaime to my family. Luck was on my side for the present moment because Daniel was out running patrol with Granddad. I exhaled rather noisily as I realized that Daniel would not be here for this meeting.

  Though each person in my family was polite to the point of being oddly formal, the true shock came upon introducing my youngest siblings. Neither Kylin nor Ethan bothered to wear sunglasses to cover their unmistakably non-human citron colored irises. “They haven’t reached full maturity, Jaime. When they do, their eyes will turn grey.” The words tumbled out heavy and awkward as it began to sink in that Jaime was learning our most intimate secrets. For his part, Jaime simply avoided looking directly at them after taking in their eyes.

  Gavin cleared his throat and motioned for us to sit. There was a prolonged stillness in which neither Gavin nor Thomas seemed to breathe. Jaime fiddled with his wristwatch band as the first signs of edgy nerves began to appear on his countenance. I wanted so badly to speak up, say anything to break the frozen landscape of inhibition before me but what would I have said? My eyes flickered back and forth between my Alpha and his second. Both appeared to be daring the other to speak first. Caught somewhere in the middle of this battle of wills, I sat mute.

  “You must understand our need for secrecy.” Gavin spoke at last.

  “Absolutely.” Jaime nodded solemnly.

  “And we have to know that you can be trusted.”

  Thomas cut in quickly. “But Jaime you also have to know that nobody in this family attacked your ranger or those hikers. We would never do anything like that.” He leaned in closer to Jaime. “Ever.”

  “I believe you.” Jaime turned toward me. “Both of you.” I managed a weak smile. “But I want to know who did and so will the police, especially since there have been three hikers to go missing in the last six months. I don't think anyone believe these incidents are random.”

  Thomas leaned back in his seat and uncrossed his hands. “Your guess is as good as mine. There are several packs that I’m aware of in the Eastern United States, one other in this area. But the Moshannon pack has never crossed into our lands nor would they have reason to. There has never been any problem with them at all.”

  “Lone wolves and travelers would never risk provoking an entire pack.” Gavin added.

  Jaime immersed himself in thought for several minutes. “Well whoever called my office asked to speak to me directly. He made it very clear that not only did he know what you are but that he knew that I know as well. He insinuated that I was a part of a cover-up and had been for some time.” An unsettling quiet settled over the room as Jaime continued, spitting out his word in rapid succession. “The thing is, I didn't know about you all until Sophie told me. But I did have an encounter with that wolf back in March and since then I'd taken it upon myself to study any wolf-like tracks I came across. I was sure there was something going on in these woods but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.”

  Everyone of us, even those standing, jerked forward in unison. “You didn’t mention that before.” Thomas’ words were jagged with a hint of a growl in his throat. “You kept information from me. Who else have you told about your research?” The last word was sharper than a knife's edge.

  I half-stood, baring my teeth as a low snarl escaped my lips. “Sit down!” Gavin shot me a severe look. My lips slowly, reluctantly, returned to their resting position over my teeth though my canines grew slightly in anticipation. I had just threatened my brother for a second time in less than a week. Where was the docile Sophie I used to be?

  “I haven't told anyone! No, not even you Thomas. I didn't have enough information to act. Besides, I'm not the only one keeping things; you kept Sophie from me!” Jaime’s voice deepened with anger.

  “I told you I had no choice. It wasn’t my decision.” Thomas glared at Jaime.

  “The decision was mine. It wasn’t made lightly I assure you. But we had no way of knowing your intentions.” Gavin spoke up.

  “My intentions are to help you resolve this situation,” Jaime cut in. “but only if I am allowed to continue my relationship with Sophie. That’s the deal breaker.”

  “To what end, Jaime?” Thomas sounded worn and wary. “Will you move in together or just see each other now and then? And for how long? A few months, a few years, what?”

  “I don’t have that answer. It’s really up to Sophie. Her future is hers and hers alone. Whether she stays with me or we break up, it is still her decision.” The finality of his words resonated throughout the room.

  “She belongs with wolf-mate, not a human. It is against our laws for her to mate outside of her own kind.” Thomas said.

  “And what about Kate? Don't you see your own hypocrisy?” I snarled.

  “She doesn't know what I am, Sophie. You haven't the slightest clue what I go through everyday to hide my wolf from her. It is gut-wrenching.” His face fell as he spoke and for the first time in memory, my brother sounded like a broken man. “Loving someone enough to bind yourself to them….” He faltered. “You give yourself over completely, just as you are. But I will never to be able to because of what I am. It’s a terrible sacrifice I don’t want you to have to make.”

  “But Jaime's here. He knows now. We're talking about two completely different scenarios, Thomas.”

  “He will never be able to understand you. Not in the way you deserve. And you will spend years walking a line that he won't ever be able to cross.” His eyes flickered from me to Jaime and back again. “I'm trying to spare you from what I go through every single day. You belong with your own kind.”

  “I think she should be able to make that choice for herself.” Jaime spoke up.

  “What if she becomes pregnant?” Gavin demanded. “A pack needs proper males to teach our young hunting and survival. To bring home the food for our table and money for our pockets. Protect and provide for our women. How would you do that, human?”

  Anger broiled my insides at Gavin's unveiled disgust.

  “The same way any of your men would – by being the best damn person I can be. So I don't grow fur and I can't beat you in an arm wrestling match. That doesn't mean I can't protect the people I love.” Jaime glared at my Alpha with a look severer than imaginable.

  Gavin let out a bellowing growl and jumped to his feet. “Gavi
n, calm down.” Thomas’s hand landed upon Gavin's chest. He exerted enough force in holding back our Alpha, that the muscles in Thomas' arm twitched and the veins popped out under his skin. “Let’s talk about this outside. Right now.”

  Gavin let out a low snarl and lead the way past us toward the kitchen door. No one else moved an inch.

  After several minutes of tense silence within the house and volcanic growls outside, Gavin returned. With no small amount of exasperation, he gave his consent.

  My future, my choice. No matter what.

  *

  “Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s talk about this attack.” Gavin ordered, his aggravated attitude still evident. “You both are absolutely certain that you will be part of this investigation?”

  “The coroner already called me with his reports as did the chief of police. They want me to look over the paperwork and be at the forefront of the investigation.” Thomas replied.

  “Since the body was found within the National Park and I’m the head of Medical Research at the center, I have also been contacted. Since it’s an animal attack, the police chief and the center’s Deputy also want me in this.” Jaime added.

  “Good.” Gavin sighed. “This is good.”

  “The preliminary reports from the coroner have detailed the size and markings of the bites. So far, they appear to be from an abnormally large wolf.” Thomas stated. “The problem is, no one has actually reported a wolf sighting in many years despite the growing rumors that there are exceptionally large wolves in the area. And it doesn’t help that rumors abound about werewolves.”

  “The rumors are just that though – stories. Made up. I mean, people aren’t actually believing them – are they?” Mom interjected.

  “It’s hard to say. Stories like these are everywhere: kids’ books and television, songs, and late night camp-outs. I think the problem here is that if any of the stories is substantiated in any way, the people of this area might react out of pure fear. Then, anything is possible.” Jaime replied.

  Thomas nodded. “And at this point the police and the Wildlife Conservation officers are already jumping out of their skins at the thought of there being something in the woods that they are unaware of. Whether they believe in werewolves doesn’t really matter.”