Howl

by Annalise Grey

  Kylin walked in and sat a bowl of soup and a biscuit down in front of my mom. “Thank you, sweetie. I really appreciate this.” Mom said as she picked up the spoon Kylin had lain in the bowl. I watched the three of them despairingly. I had so many questions but how could I ask them at this moment? A depressing calm seemed to penetrate every pore of those around me. Did I dare disturb that?

  Will must have caught my expression because he bobbed his head toward the front door. As he closed the door behind us, he stole a quick peak around the very dark yard. “You have been asleep and nobody wanted to disturb you.”

  “Will what happened?”

  “Granddad and Daniel came back from patrol and everything seemed fine so Gavin left.” His expression morphed from one of heartbreak to something darker. “Gavin was gone an extraordinarily long time. Almost two hours to be specific. Your mom was already a nervous wreck and when Gavin didn’t come home, I decided to go search for him. Granddad and I went together thinking it would be safer with two of us. But as we closed in on Gavin we were forced to hide in the brambles because Granddad caught the scent of several humans. Hunters. Gavin had been cornered. We wanted to fight but there were too many of them with guns. We watched him fall.”

  “How….what…” I stammered. “That makes no sense. He would never allow himself to be compromised like that.”

  “That’s not all Sophie. After they shot him, they just left. Walked off like it was nothing. Poachers wouldn’t have done that. They would have taken the wolf.”

  My mind reeled as I tried to imagine the scene. Gavin as his wolf….it would have given him the best chance of catching a scent. More than in human form. But how would hunters know where to find him? And why didn’t they take his wolf? What is going on?

  “And,” Will ran a hand through his salt and pepper hair. “when we reached him, Granddad picked up a very fresh scent in the area. It was most definitely werewolf but not one he’d smelled before. It covered a good area and was no more than a few minutes old when we got to Gavin.”

  Will took my hand in his. “You should also know he was still alive but only just. He had enough energy in him to shift back when he saw us. He died in my arms.”

  Jaime’s text message vibrated the phone in my pocket causing me to startle violently. U r not answering ur phone. Is Gavin back? Did he find anything?

  “Is that Jaime?”

  “Yeah.” I glanced at my phone again. “I might go over to his place. Just for a little while. I need to process all of this.” I wrapped my arms around Will and held him close. “Thank you. And I’m grateful that you were there when he passed. It’s comforting to know he wasn’t alone.” My swollen and bruised-feeling eyes burned with renewed emotion. “I’ll be back for the….” I never finished my sentence.

  ~Reminiscences~

  “It’s about time you called me back. I’ve been worried about you.” Jaime answered my call.

  “I’m d-d-driving ov-ver.” I sobbed.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Gavin’s dead.” There was no response. I pulled the car over because another flood of tears blurred my vision. The dry lump returned with a vengeance and it was all I could do just to breathe.

  “Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”

  “I’m p-pulled over al-long Route 6. I’m n-near the c-country club.”

  “Don’t move. I’m on my way.” Click. I leaned my head against the steering wheel and waited.

  Before long headlights came around the bend. I looked up and watched as Jaime passed by to make a quick u-turn in the road and pulled up behind my car. I turned off my engine and stepped out.

  Jaime walked up to me, an old white tee-shirt in his hands. “I’ll put this in the window. Why don’t you get in the Jeep?” I barely nodded and got into his vehicle. We didn’t speak on the way to his apartment. I just couldn’t bring myself to speak and I figured he didn’t want to ask me to until I was ready. Despite sleeping for several hours, I felt extremely tired curling up on his couch. Jaime made me cup of tea and sat down next to me. He brushed my hair aside and waited patiently for me to speak. When I felt like I could talk without crying again I started talking about Gavin. I described the scene in which I first learned of my brother’s death followed by everything Will had just told me.

  “I’m so sorry Sophie.” He murmured.

  “I just don’t understand how this could happen. Gavin isn’t a pup.” My word caught somewhere between my chest and my throat. “I mean, Gavin wasn’t a pup. He was a strong Alpha with instincts that bordered on the preternatural. Why, or how, could he have been compromised like that?”

  I studied Jaime’s face. He wanted desperately to have comforting words for me but there were none.

  “We’re gathering around four a.m. for Gavin’s pyre.” This thought brought me back to an emptier space of reality.

  Jaime shook his head, confused. “Gavin’s what?”

  “Gavin’s funeral pyre. We burn our kind because we can’t leave traces. Thomas, Tristan, and Ethan have been working all night on building Gavin’s pyre mound. We have a ceremony, too though I can’t remember the last one I went to because my biological father was killed when I was only a year and a half. I don’t know how my mom is dealing with this again.”

  “You never mentioned that before. About your father, I mean.”

  “Yeah, he was killed by poachers. Apparently, we make great trophies.” I said emoting such bitterness that Jaime sat up a little, clearly shocked at the term being applied to me and my family.

  “I never considered that before. That worries me, the idea that you could be hunted for sport.” A very dark look crossed his face.

  “It’s not just for sport, Jaime. There were periods of time in which my kind were close to being wiped out.” I took a few long, deep breaths to calm myself so as to not lose it as I spoke. “The last time was when my Granddad was a small child.” Jaime’s face looked a little pale. I turned away from him and stared out the window to my left. I felt his fingers brush softly against my cheek. I sighed again. “I want you to hear this. You need to understand.”

  I started speaking again without looking at him. I wasn’t sure if I could tell Jaime any more without crying if I had to look into his kind eyes. It was just too easy to let my guard down around him. And I hated him seeing me cry.

  “When my granddad was really little, around 4 or 5, a war began between humans and werewolves somewhere around the Nantahala National Forest in North Carolina. I just found out the Blood Wars began when a human man sired children with a female of wolfkind. After discovering what his children were, he killed them along with their mother. I guess he used the proof of our kind’s existence to gather others to his cause. They formed an underground militia of a few hundred hunters and basically wiped out all but a few of our kind who had managed to escape. Some ran out west to the Rockies, some went out the Southwest, and some ran up north. But the humans followed. More secret militias formed and more werewolves were killed. I still don’t understand how they managed to fight and win against my kind. Not every werewolf is huge like Gavin but we are extremely strong and fast. I guess they found a way, though.” I took a few more deep breaths to help me stay calm.

  “Unrelated packs don’t fight together; not usually. But once the fighting spread to other places, they had to. It was fight together or die. But in the end, it was futile. Our numbers were decimated. The fighting had only lasted a few years but by the time it stopped, most of our kind was killed and not just in one or two states, I’m talking all across the U.S.” I shifted my eyes from the window to the floor in front of me. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

  “Our kind doesn’t live in cities. We roam areas with large spans of forest; places like national parks, state forests, and game preserves. This knowledge made it even easier to track us down without raising suspicion among the human population.” I leaned back on the couch. “But then again, if we lived in the cities, no one would ever kno
w who we are.” I paused.

  “So why not just move to the cities? In a place like New York City you could blend in, disappear like everyone else.” Jaime asked.

  I looked at him then. “That goes against our nature. We belong in the woods, the countryside. I’ve been to a few cities. Thomas went to veterinary school in Philadelphia. When I would go to visit him, I would feel so out of place, like a puzzle piece that was severely misshapen.” I turned toward the window again, remembering what it was like visiting Thomas. He took me to the movies a few times and showed me the Liberty Bell. I loved looking at the buildings. So many that I saw were beautiful, intricately designed, but also imposing. I felt like those buildings might swallow me whole. And there were so few trees and grass. I couldn’t get used to walking on concrete; it just seemed so unnatural. Also the smell of exhaust burned my nose. I was so relieved each time I came back home.

  “How did Thomas cope with living in a city?” Jaime asked me curiously, interrupting my reverie.

  “He took a lot of camping trips and came home every summer.” I smiled as I remembered Thomas coming home at the end of every spring semester and spending the majority of his time outside. Sometimes we wouldn’t see him in human form for days on end. “He used to say that if it weren’t for his dream of becoming a veterinarian helping him stay focused, he probably would have gone crazy.” Jaime burst out laughing. It made me jump. I stared at Jaime, incredulous that he could have found anything even remotely funny in what I had said.

  Just then Jaime calmed him self long enough to say “Thomas is a veterinarian!” I still didn’t get what was so funny. Jaime must have realized I was mad. “I’m sorry.” He said between guffaws, obviously trying to stifle them. “A veterinarian in a family of werewolves. I get it now!”

  I never really gave Thomas’s profession a second thought, though in that moment it hit me how ironic and yet sensible it was.

  Before I knew it I was doubled over laughing, happier tears brimming at my eyes. Only Jaime could ease the burning in my heart. He was like wrapping myself in an old quilt, comforting and warm.

  “Then I guess you don’t have any special healing abilities, if you need an animal doctor?” Jaime asked as my chuckles died down.

  I shook my head. “No, sorry. That would be a nice attribute to have.”

  “Hmmm….” Jaime thought for a minute. “Silver? What about that? I don’t see you wearing much jewelry. Is that a weakness?” He shyly grinned at me.

  “You know… I think that’s just something the humans created to help make themselves feel like they had some control. I’m not allergic to silver or any other metal or alloy.” I laughed out loud again. “Actually, I do have seasonal allergies. I’m allergic to ragweed pollen and dust. Oh and cats. I hate cats. They make my eyes all puffy.” Jaime nearly doubled over with laughter again.

  “You must be the weakest mythical creature I’ve ever met!” Jaime wiped away a tear and mumbled to himself, “seasonal allergies!”

  “Well I’m glad I amuse you so!” I rolled my eyes though I had to laugh to myself at his enjoyment. It relieved more of the tension within me.

  “So you’re telling me that your only super-human abilities are strength and speed?”

  “Actually, I do have others. Even in human form I have better hearing than any other human on this planet. And no hawk can beat my eyesight.”

  “Pretty cool. So my woman can hear and see everything for miles, outrun a cheetah, and break ten wrestlers with her pinky.” He chuckled again. “Actually, I have a serious question and you might not know the answer.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Where do you come from? I mean, you are supposed to be a myth. But I’m sitting here talking to you and you are very much real.” He paused for a moment. I was about to answer when he blurted out really fast “And what about vampires? Fairies, gnomes, elves? The abominable snowman? Do they exist, too?” Jaime looked like a kid in a very frightening and yet huge candy store. Like he thought all of the world’s secrets would be laid out before him. I had to give myself a moment to take in his curiosity. To me, we had always just been. I was me, plain and simple, me. I had never thought he would be so intrigued once he conquered the initial shock. I had a sneaking suspicion that there might be something wrong with him. Some mental defect that would decrease his ability to make sound judgments.

  “Um, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you but I don’t know if vampires exist. Maybe? I’ve never run into any.” His face looked a disappointed. And yet very much relieved. “There is a race of immortals called the Lao'nru. I’ve met two in my lifetime. They are humans who just don’t grow old and die.” I glanced at Jaime’s face to see how he was handling this information. He seemed perfectly content. “Fairies exist but only in the forests and large gardens. Those I run into constantly. And elves? As far as I know they existed once but mostly interbred with humans or died out. That’s as far as my mythical creature knowledge goes. But I can tell you exactly where werewolves come from.”

  “Really?” Jaime pulled himself a little closer.

  “Do you know what dire wolves are? Not everyone has heard of them.”

  “Yes I do in fact. They were supposedly massive wolves of the ancient world that died out or something thousands of years ago.”

  I couldn’t help but beam at him. Jaime was really something else. “Well, we are those dire wolves. Or the descendents, if you will. They didn’t actually die off; they learned how to change their forms by manipulating their own life force. Some claim that they envied humans and your ability to experience love. Others say that they respected them as hunters because humans frequently attacked and killed prey many times their size. Either way, the dire wolves learned to live as humans and only shifted when they wished.”

  “It’s so strange to me to think that this whole time you and Thomas have been werewolves and I never knew. I mean, I knew your family was different from some of the things Thomas has mentioned but I never realized just how different. I never would have guessed that this was the reason. Or that I’ve been working side-by-side with a real werewolf for the past year.”

  I absentmindedly twirled a lock of hair.

  “Okay, so what do you eat?”

  “What?” My voice sharpened.

  “I’ve only ever seen you eat vegetarian meals. You don’t eat meat, at least not in front of me. But wolves are carnivores.”

  I inhaled sharply without meaning to. “Umm…” I paled. “Yeah, I mean, I eat… meat.” Why did he have to ask me this question? My mind sprinted through different ways to respond delicately to what was a very difficult question. I wasn’t prepared for this one at all. “I, uh… I just don’t eat cooked meat. It’s gross. It smells…wrong.’ I stared at the pillow under my arm, determined not to look him in the face.

  “So you only eat raw meat.” It was a statement, not a question. My skin turned icy and little beads of cold sweat pooled on my brow. I had no words. I just kept shifting my stupendously embarrassed eyes from his face to the pillow and back to his face, waiting for me to confirm his observation.

  Finally, I blurted out way too fast, “Yeah, okay? Wolves eat raw meat. Animals like deer and rabbits and maybe squirrels if that’s all there is! I love meat; I just can’t stand to smell or taste it cooked. No one in my family can.”

  Several excruciatingly silent minutes later, Jaime burst out laughing again. “I’ll still make out with you. Even though you feast on Bambi.”

  *

  Jaime stood up before me and offered me his hand. It was three-thirty and I had to leave. As we walked out the apartment Jaime asked, “Do you want me to drop you off at your car or take you home? I can help you get your car tomorrow if don’t want to get it now.” I thought for a minute as I stepped into his Jeep.

  “To my car please.”

  “As the lady commands.” Jaime gave me an understanding smile and started the engine.

  “Thank you. I really needed this.” My head still pounded sli
ghtly but my soul was lighter. I felt strong enough to face the inevitable reality that would come with Gavin’s pyre.

  When I walked in my house everyone was already gathered in the dining room. My mom and Will were sitting at the far end of the table. Granddad sat next to mom. Ethan and Thomas were sitting on Granddad’s side facing toward the front door. Lorelei and John were on the other side of Will, their backs to me. Tristan walked past me, a massive plate of pancakes in one hand, a spatula in the other. I sat down in the empty seat next to Lorelei and waited until everyone else grabbed some pancakes. There came a bang from the kitchen behind me; Daniel laughed as Kylin cursed. As I took a few pancakes and put them on my plate I noticed that no one was really speaking.

  I looked around the table at my family, the most important group of people in my life. If I were an outsider looking in on this large gathering of persons I would have wondered how it would be possible to love so many so immensely. I would have thought that a person’s heart could only hold so much love before it would have to explode or stop loving altogether. But I knew better. I understood that for each person you are given to love, your heart expands proportionately. The heart never grew too large to carve a space for someone new.

  “Sabine, Will,” Daniel's voice was barely a whisper. “I'm going to stay behind and give your family time to say goodbye in private.”

  “No Daniel you should come. Gavin considered you a part of this pack and so do I.” Mom took his hand in hers as she spoke.

  Daniel's eyes darted to me as he stood and slid on his overcoat. Despite the calm on his face, something alarming lingered in his eyes. A raging pain that I didn’t quite understand. The memory of Tristan’s conversation with him back in October chilled me. I swallowed hard and set my plate aside.

  One by one we followed the old path that led from the main house up through the woods to our clearing by the creek. Lorelei and John each carried a baby in tow though you wouldn’t have known that there were babies snuggled in the multitude of layers and blanket Lorelei dressed them in. After walking for about fifteen minutes with not a word spoken among us, we arrived at the clearing.