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Catching On Fire

Page 17

by Sue Knott


  It broke my heart to leave the girls at school. I could see that under their tough façade, they were nervous. I did break down and cry a bit in the car on the way home.

  Then, I logged into CussedEmOuterwear.com for the first time in days. Wow. What a shock. There was more activity on the site than ever. And the orders for the t-shirts were through the roof. I guess I wouldn’t be looking for a regular job for awhile. I found a freelance webmaster to help me revamp the site for our current needs. And I found a fulfillment house that could process and ship the overflow of orders for merchandise.

  I wanted to talk to David Moore about adding t-shirt designs, but it was time to pick the girls up from school before I knew it. They looked pretty glum when they got in the car, but said their day was “fine.” I offered to stop somewhere for a treat, but they weren’t interested. I took that as a bad sign.

  When we got home, they each went to their room to change…and never came out. A bit later, I heard sobs coming from Terry’s room. After a frustrating exchange, Terry finally agreed to let me come in and talk to her. I stroked her hair as I dragged the story of her day out of her. All the kids mocked the girls’ Jersey accents and their clothes (apparently, what was hot in the tri-state area was not hot in Buffalo).

  Oh dear. What to do? I figured the girls would eventually blend in and find some friends. I didn’t want to run out and buy them new clothes right away, though I was tempted. But, I figured they wouldn’t know the “in” things after just one day. Plus, I hated reinforcing the petty notion that “fashion equals acceptance.” We went through their belongings and picked out some unassuming, yet attractive outfits for the next day.

  I made the girls a special dinner and the three of us talked over their schooling options. I told them they could transfer to a nearby Catholic school if they weren’t happy with their situation by the end of the week. Just knowing they had a way out if things didn’t improve seemed to make a big difference in their mood.

  After dinner I tried to help them with their homework. (Emphasis on “tried” – I didn’t remember nearly as much math as I thought I had.) And then, poof, it was bedtime. Where had the day gone?

  And so the days went on, all pretty much disappearing before I could accomplish what I needed to. The girls made some friends and ended up deciding to stay at the public school. But, every week or so there was a new crisis: a slight by a friend, harassment from one of the tough cliques, homework meltdowns, crushes and broken hearts, sports defeats…the list was a mile long. Plus, there were rides needed to games, trips to the mall, arguments over makeup, requests for sleepovers and even a big fight about a tattoo. The parenting gig was definitely no walk in the park.

  During all the preteen drama, I had to figure out how to cook healthy meals for girls who pretty much detested any food even the slightest shade of green. (How Gerry knew what was green, I’ll never know. She seemed to be able to taste the color.) I had laundry up to my ears. I was always chauffeuring this one or chaperoning for that one or attending a recital or a game.

  There was no end to the demands on my time. And Jim’s time, too. On the two days a week that we actually got to spend some time together, we were often running the girls in two different directions for part of it. And when we were all together, we always seemed to fall into the same pattern: watching TV with Jim in the easy chair and the girls flanking me on the couch. After the girls went to bed, Jim would join me on the couch, but one or both of us would invariably fall asleep after a few minutes.

  Plus, with no time to get to the gym, I was getting a little pudgy around the edges. Jim never mentioned it, but the extra flab put me in a defeated mood.

  Kim was a big help, though. She loved the girls and stopped over for dinner at least twice a week. After dinner the girls would go off to do their own thing and Kim would get me to laugh while we sipped tea at the kitchen table. If it weren’t for Kim, I may have gone insane.

  Kim felt that her relationship with Bill was definitely cooling off. She was beginning to see that he was way too rigid for her. And he hated her spending so much time with me. He considered me to be totally whacked. (I hoped that was why he didn’t like Kim hanging with me…but I couldn’t rule out the possibility that he thought I could still be a target of “known subversive elements.” I hoped he didn’t know something I didn’t know.)

  Kim and Bill were still dating, but less frequently. Kim felt more like they were just keeping each other company until someone better suited came along. She felt that feeling was mutual. That’s why I was so surprised when Kim asked Jim and me to go out with them and another couple one Saturday in early June.

  That Saturday was absolutely beautiful. We don’t get tons of sun during spring, so the days when we do always raise your spirits. The sky was brilliant blue. It was delightfully warm. The breeze was just enough to blow a skirt in swirls around your knees. The twins were having a sleepover at my parents’ house. I was in heaven.

  Poor Jim was a little less so. He was just getting off an 18-hour shift at the hospital, so he was really tired. I told him I didn’t expect him to contribute much to the conversation. He could just sit there and look handsome.

  When we got to the restaurant, I was surprised to find that the other couple was Amy and her husband. (Amy was the FBI agent with Bill when he first approached me about the Glyphs.)

  I was desperately trying to remember who knew what about my meeting with Amy and Bill and how to handle introductions. Fortunately, Bill solved my dilemma by taking the lead and introducing Amy as if we had never met.

  We had a wonderfully relaxing time at Root Five, overlooking Lake Erie. We had drinks on the outdoor patio, but it was still a little too early in the season to have dinner outdoors. The lake was still cold and once the sun went down, the air would get chilly fast. But, we did manage to eat dinner at an indoor table by the window. There’s something about watching the sun set over the water that puts me into a euphoria zone.

  That’s where I was mentally when Amy dropped the bomb. She and her husband, Marcus, were hoping that I would consider giving them the chance to take over as foster parents for the twins.

  As much as I didn’t feel prepared to be a foster mom when Terry and Gerry first asked me, I didn’t see how I could let them go now. We were a family. I loved the girls. I was pretty sure they loved me.

  I had planned on having a very romantic evening when Jim and I got back to my place. (Or at least as romantic as possible with a guy who’d worked an 18 hour shift then been forced to socialize.) But, Amy’s offer sort of blew that all to pieces. Jim was definitely in Amy’s camp.

  “You know, this would be the best thing that could ever happen to the twins. Amy and Marcus are older and more experienced. They live in a great school district. There’d be two parents there for the girls. And Amy is a trained FBI agent. If there is danger—and there definitely could still be danger—Amy is a lot better prepared to handle it than you.”

  “Well, you know what? You could say there are a lot of kids that would be better off with different parents. But, they’re a family, so they stay with their family.” Jim didn’t seem to be seeing both sides of this coin and that was really irritating me.

  “But, you and the girls have only been a family for a few months. And you’re too young and inexperienced to be an effective parent. You’re more like a big sister. And kids need parents, not a big sister.”

  “What they really need is love and stability. Yanking them around yet another time will not help.”

  “If they go with Amy and Marcus, it would be the last time they get yanked around. If they stay with you, who knows how much yanking will occur? You don’t know where your future lies. You don’t know what kind of job you’ll be doing in six months. You might have to move. You might get married. You might have kids. And if, God forbid, something happens to you, the twins are completely alone again.”

  The way Jim was talking was upsetting. It didn’t sound like he was talking about him
self when he talked about whether I’d get married. He certainly wasn’t indicating that he’d be there for the girls.

  “Rachel, it would be the best thing for you as well as the girls. You’re not up to handling your work and parenting two teenagers. You’re running yourself down. You’re not having any fun.”

  “I have some fun. You just haven’t been around when the girls and I are out having family fun.”

  “That’s because I’m not part of the family. I don’t want the girls to get attached to me only to have me go off to the Middle East and never see them again.”

  Never see them again? Then he wasn’t planning on seeing me again either? Could it be that Jim was just using his exhaustion as an excuse to stay distant because he didn’t want this relationship to last?

  “I didn’t realize you were going to go off never to be seen again.”

  His voice softened. “That wasn’t my plan. My plan was to have you come with me.”

  “To the third world?”

  “Uh huh.”

  I’d had no idea that was what Jim had had in mind. But, I knew it would never work. I was not a third world kind of person. I didn’t think I could thrive so far away from my friends and family. I didn’t think I could deal with the hardships. I didn’t want to raise a family in an underdeveloped country. And there would certainly be no place for my job skills.

  “Even if the twins went with Amy and Marcus, I couldn’t go off to the third world. Couldn’t you work here in the inner city?”

  “I don’t know how to explain it. I have this…calling. I feel like I have to go to the lowest of the low. I feel like that’s where I’m needed most. I feel like that’s where I could make the most difference.”

  “Rachel’s First Law of Efficiency.” I half laughed to myself.

  “What’s that?”

  “Concentrate your efforts where they’ll do the most good.”

  “Your laws are pretty gosh, darn spot on.”

  “Except, I couldn’t do any good in the third world. I’d be a basket case. And I think it would be unfair to raise children so far away from modern civilization.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good place to raise a family, either.”

  “So, you’d come home when it’s time to raise a family?”

  “No…I was thinking it would be too selfish of me to have children of my own. I guess our futures don’t exactly jive.”

  “Understatement.”

  I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. They started spilling over my face in buckets. Jim put his arms around me and gently rocked me, stroking my hair.

  He kept whispering the same thing over and over. “I’m sorry, Rae. I’m so very sorry.”

  Chapter 53

  The next morning Amy called bright and early and asked me to come to her house for lunch. She had a beautifully restored older home in East Aurora – complete with a barn and horses. Her husband was a school teacher. Her neighbors had a 13 year old daughter. The girls would have to share a room, but it was huge and beautiful.

  I was beginning to feel defeated. Especially when Amy told me she and Marcus had lost their own daughter five years before. She had been at a sleepover at a friend’s house and died from carbon monoxide poisoning from a malfunctioning furnace in the adjacent room. She had been 10.

  Then Amy told me something she’d never told anyone. She saw the Glyphs, too. I knew it took a lot for her to share that with me. Even though my PR work had tended to legitimize the Glyphs, Amy feared that a lot of people in the top echelon of the FBI still felt those who claimed to see the Glyphs were some kind of lunatics.

  “Don’t you think it’s odd that there are so few people who see Glyphs at the top layers of the government? I mean, wouldn’t you think the ability to empathize and sort of see through people would be a skill that would lead you to the top?”

  “You’d think, Rachel. But, working in the government as long as I have, I can tell you so much of it is political. Especially at the top. And I don’t think intuitive people are motivated to play that game.”

  “Do you think the twins and I are at risk?”

  “I…we…nobody knows for sure. I think you’ve done an impressive job of protecting your identity. We certainly don’t know who else you’re working with – and I know you’ve got to be working with someone. I don’t think you have the computer skills necessary for the kind of subterfuge you’ve engaged in. If someone were after you, I don’t think they’d be able to trace you using the Web – at least, not if you keep operating the same way. As far as I know, the FBI doesn’t have any information that would indicate you’re at risk. Unless the situation changes, I have no reason to believe harming you would be of any value to anyone. However, I think Gerry may still be of interest to people…and I’ve seen motivated groups improvise all sorts of ways to find what they’re after.”

  We walked to the end of Amy’s beautiful perennial garden abloom in late tulips, clematis, and bluebells. The garden ended at the horse pasture and Amy’s two fillies sauntered over to greet us. One nuzzled its nose into my neck as I rubbed her forehead.

  Two weeks later, school was out. I told the girls about Amy and Marcus.

  “What if we don’t like it there?” Terry was definitely not too keen on the idea.

  “If you don’t like living with Amy and Marcus, you can come back and live with me. I’ve been very happy having you girls with me. But, there’s always the worry that someone might try to track Gerry down. And you’ll be harder to find – and better protected – there than you would be here.”

  “So, like, the only reason you’re sending us away is because of me?”

  “No, honey. Of course not. First, I’m not sending you away. I’m giving you an amazing opportunity to have a family with a mother and a father. A family with a permanent home where you can enjoy some stability. A family with better financial resources than I can offer. I love you girls. I’m not sending you away; I’m letting you try out someplace better.”

  “I like it here, with you. I don’t need to try out someplace better. I don’t want to go.” Terry was fighting back tears.

  “You have to go. For two weeks. If you want to come back after two weeks, you can. But, I’m not going to let you pass this up without at least giving it a try.”

  “They have horses, Terry. It’s worth a try. It will be like a vacation.” Gerry’s enthusiasm was a welcome surprise.

  “And you promise we can come back after two weeks?”

  “Yes, Terry, I promise. But I want you to promise me you’ll give it a real try. Not just a sit-there-and-pout-until-I-can-go-home try.”

  “Okay.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure Terry gives it a fair chance.”

  There was something about Gerry’s reaction to the situation that put a blip on my internal radar screen. I cornered her alone later. “Gerry, you seem almost anxious to get away from here. Is anything wrong?”

  “Not now.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I really like it here. I like having you for our foster mom. But…”

  “But?” Gerry’s amazing ability to “see” the Glyphs so clearly made me give a lot of credence to her intuition.

  “Moving in with Amy and Marcus feels safer.”

  “So…you’ve been worried?”

  “Maybe a little.”

  “I wish you would have told me about that before. Is there anything else you’re not telling me?”

  Was it me, or did Gerry hesitate a split second before she said, “no?”

  Chapter 54

  Jim and I kept in contact as friends, but we never let our relationship flame to the romance level. That would just complicate a sad situation. After the girls moved out, Jim and Kim spent the entire day with me trying to keep my mind off things. I appreciated the distraction. As soon as the twins left, I felt the most incredible relief and the most overwhelming sadness I’d ever experienced.

  Kim suggested we go sailing
in her dad’s boat. That was an excellent choice. I alternated between complete fear (I can’t swim) and complete and utter relaxation (somehow being near the water washes away my stress). There is something freeing about flying over the water on a cooling breeze. It’s easy to “be in the moment” and let all your other cares slip away.

  That carefree feeling lasted exactly one day. The next morning, all my worries and guilt were back. I jumped back into my Glyphs mission to distract myself. I’d kept the Glyphs in the news by writing articles for various publications and websites, but now I could really ramp up my efforts. As yet, it didn’t appear that anyone had solved the puzzle. (Or, if they had, they were keeping it to themselves.)

  I was, in fact, a bit worried that someone would solve the Glyphs and keep it to themselves. After all, if they weren’t “Seers” to begin with, they wouldn’t have that urgency to share what they knew. They’d be more likely to want to exploit what they could for their own gain. Greed did seem to be a basic human motivation.

  It had also occurred to me that whatever the Glyphs revealed might have a nefarious application as well as a beneficial one. I mean, look how the energy unleashed by an atom could be used. It could light a city, or blow it to pieces. It didn’t seem like a clean energy source would have a lot of destructive potential, but you never know. And it could also be something other than an energy source. (The “feeling” with the Glyphs was tied to climate re-stabilization, but the feeling didn’t specify a means.)

  Why had it taken me so long to realize the possible downsides? Was it because the drive to nail down the Glyphs was so overwhelming? Or had I just assumed the translation would be fast and easy? I wasn’t sure, but I tended to lean toward the former. When it came to the Glyphs, my actions seemed compelled by a force beyond my control.

  Unfortunately, it seemed like the analytical skills required to decode the Glyphs didn’t come naturally to the intuitive types that could see them. Beyond the very first page, which was quite obviously an introduction to a numeric system, not one solid decoding contribution came from any of the original Seers on CussedEmOuterwear.com. Some of the new recruits had some promising possibilities, but the deciphering was going nowhere fast.

 

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