Spiralling Skywards: Book Two: Fading (Contradictions Series 2)

by Lesley Jones

  Tea!

  I would have a cup of tea and then decide if I should look or if I should wait for my husband to be here before finding out the result.

  I started to leave the bathroom but then stopped in my tracks.

  “Am I allowed to drink tea if I’m pregnant?”

  I had been alone so much lately that I had gotten into the habit of talking aloud to myself. I felt the now common stab of loneliness as the realisation hit me that I had no one to talk to, no one to ask about all of these questions. No mum.

  I thought back to the speech I made at my wedding and the guilt hit me. What I said then was true. Growing up, I didn’t feel as if I were missing out, but with the possibility of motherhood looming, I wished mine were around. If I were totally honest, I also wished my dad were around, too. Did he ever wonder about us? Did he have any idea about the amazingly successful businessman my brother had become? Would he care?

  Over the years, I had seen a few photos of him with my mum and with Luke. They were hard to look at because it hurt so much to think that he’d walked away and left me without looking back.

  I let out a heavy sigh and made my way downstairs, wondering if he was even still alive. If he was, did he even know that my mum died?

  My thoughts were cut short when I saw a note pinned to the fridge by a magnet, I walked straight over and took it down, reading it as I opened up my laptop that was sitting on the table.

  Morning, pretty girl.

  Sorry I got home so late, everything took longer than we thought, but it was all worth it in the end as we sealed the deal. You were sleeping so soundly that I didn’t wanna wake you. I’ve had to pop in for a few hours this morning, but I’ll be home by lunchtime. We should celebrate later—drinks and the club with Luke or dinner for just the two of us? Have a think about it, and just know that as soon as I get home, I need to be inside you. I feel like I’ve barely seen or touched you since we came back home, and I hate it. Text me once you’re awake.

  Love ya, bub x

  I felt the tension ease out of me as I read his note. He hated being apart as much as I did. I went without my tea and my research and took the stairs two at a time on the way to my bathroom to retrieve the pregnancy test.

  Two blue lines.

  Positive.

  I was pregnant.

  I smiled, laughed, and cried all at the same time as I sat down on the closed lid of the toilet and stared at the two lines that had just changed my life. It was not as if I was shocked. I had a feeling that this would be the result, and at least this explained the headaches and nausea.

  I wallowed in a kind of mini euphoria for a few long moments, unable to wipe the stupid grin off my face or the tears that leaked from my eyes. I was glad that I did this on my own. I felt quite smug that I was in possession of this knowledge while Liam was totally oblivious.

  I stood with my hand on my belly and did what about every woman that just found out she was pregnant did since the invention of mirrors, I turned sideways, pulled up my T-shirt, and looked at my reflection.

  Nope, no different.

  “That’s because you’re about the size of my little finger nail right now,” I told the baby. “But don’t worry, you’ll soon grow, and then everyone will know that you’re in there.” Actually looking down at my belly as I spoke, I continued with, “Well, at least I’m no longer talking entirely to myself now that I have you.”

  Climbing into the shower I thought about how I was gonna go about rocking Liam’s world with this news and then the smiley/laugh/crying started up again.

  ***

  I decided to have a walk down to the local shops before Liam got home from work and grab something that was going to help me with my pregnancy reveal. While I was there, I grabbed something for Luke and Sash, too. I figured that if I was going to make a show of telling Liam, I could do the same for my brother and best friend as well. I was so full of nervous energy that I was fairly convinced I was about implode, explode and dissolve, all at the same time. The feeling stayed with me the entire way home, but I didn’t mind, I enjoyed it. I was buzzing and felt more alive and happy than I had in weeks.

  As I turned into my court, I spotted my brother’s car on my drive parked next to Liam’s, and I started to vibrate from my head to my toes in anticipation of being in the company of others and trying to hold on to my secret for just a little bit longer.

  The double doors that led into my house were wide open, and I could hear Liam and my brother talking and laughing from my family room. I walked in to find Luke standing on a chair and supporting a Christmas tree that was about touching the ceiling, while Liam attempted to set the base in a large cast iron pot.

  “How’s it looking now?” Liam asked my brother.

  “Still looks like it’s on the piss to me.”

  “How on the piss?”

  “About a half bottle of vodka pissed.”

  “Shit.”

  “You better get a level on this thing, you know my sister, she’ll come straight through those doors and say . . .”

  “It’s wonky. You need to move it more to the right, Luke.”

  “Yep, exactly that.” My brother looked around at me and smiled.

  Liam looked up from the floor, his smile almost dazzling me with its brilliance, and my heart rate revved up a few notches in speed as he stood and strode towards me. We’d made a baby, him and me. I’d created a new life, a new human being with this man. I had to fight with myself not to just blurt it out and tell him. I even had to focus to remain breathing as he stood in front of me.

  “Fuck, I’ve missed you, bub.”

  I was wrapped in his arms, and his mouth and tongue were assaulting mine with such speed and intensity that my head spun.

  “Dude. What the fuck? You can’t just leave me on a chair holding on to your tree while you have sex with my sister. It’s wrong on so many levels. It’s just out and out—”

  “Shut the fuck up, Luke,” Liam said against my mouth before pulling away from me.

  “Who’s having sex? What am I missing? Why are you up a chair holding a tree?” Sasha asked as she walked through the opened door. “I have wine, shall I just sit on the sofa, pour a drink and watch the show?”

  Liam rested his forehead against mine, still smiling.

  “You taste of fresh air and mint.”

  “You taste like alcohol and mint.”

  “Yeah, we had another little tipple, hair of the dog, ya know? We were both feeling a bit shabby this morning.”

  “Lucky shabby. I’ve felt nothing since Monday.”

  “Are you two for fucking real? I’m stuck standing here on a tree. I don’t need to be hearing this shit.” Luke complained again.

  “You’re on a chair.” Sasha corrected him.

  “What?”

  “You’re on a chair, you said you were ‘on a tree’, but you’re on a chair holding the tree. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re not pretty enough to be a fairy, not famous enough to be a star, and something tells me you lost your angel wings a very long time ago.”

  My brother was silent for a few long moments and just stared at Sash. I watched his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed hard. My brother looked lost, sad almost, and the silence became uncomfortable as he and Sash continued to stare at each other.

  “Help him with the tree,” I told Liam before kissing his cheek and stepping away.

  ***

  It felt like it had been forever since the four of us hung out but that was exactly what we spent the rest of Saturday doing.

  The boys finally set the tree straight and then headed off in search of beer while Sasha helped me decorate. By decorate, I meant I allowed her to pass me things while I placed them on the tree. There was an art to these things, and Sash had neither the artistic direction nor the patience. So, I knew if I let her near my tree, I would only end up taking it down once she left and redoing it.

  “You okay up there, Mrs Smiley Face?” Sasha asked. She had stopped
handing me things about a half hour ago and was siting on the couch cross-legged with my red-and-gold Christmas tree beads wound around her neck. There were also two big gold bows clipped to her T-shirt, right in front of each of her nipples.

  Trying to deflect, I looked down at her and laughed, asking, “What are you doing with my decorations?”

  “Playing dress up. Why are you smiling so big?”

  I paused what I was doing and smiled down at her.

  “I’m happy, Sash. This is our first Christmas in our new home as a married couple. I know Nan and Grandad won’t be here and neither will you, but I’m really looking forward to having Liam and Luke all to myself for a few days, just chilling and doing nothing.”

  “D’you think I’m doing the right thing, flying all the way over there to spend Christmas with Shain?”

  I climbed down from the stepladder I had been standing on—the chair Luke had been using didn’t add enough height for me—and sat on the sofa opposite Sasha.

  “Is Australia where you wanna be spending Christmas?”

  “Not really, but it’s where Shain is, and I wanna spend Christmas with him.”

  She passed me her wine, and I pretended to take a sip before passing it back.

  “Well then, there’s your answer.”

  “Yeah, but it’s costing me so much money, and I have to take part of my leave unpaid.”

  “But you just said you wanted to spend Christmas with Shain. If you’re taking the cost into account . . .” I trailed off and shrugged my shoulders.

  I knew my situation was a little different when I flew over to Australia to surprise Liam, but I would have paid my own fair if Luke hadn’t booked my flights using the company card. I missed Liam that much, and money never entered the equation.

  “What? Finish what were gonna say,” Sasha snapped at me.

  “I gave up my job to go and be with Liam. I gave up my job, got on a plane, and went to Australia without even knowing when I was gonna be back. I did it because I love him. Nothing else mattered.”

  “It was different for you, you’re married.”

  “That doesn’t change how much I love him.”

  “Exactly, you love him. We haven’t even got to that stage yet. I like him a lot, and I miss him, but I’m not in love with him, not yet.”

  “D’ya think you could be eventually?”

  Luke appeared from around the corner, and Sash fell silent. I watched her eyes roam from his feet, up his jean-covered legs, over his T-shirt, and up to his face.

  She was still in love with Luke, which was what her problem with going to Australia was all about. I wasn’t sure if she was doing it just to make a statement to my brother or if she really had feelings for Shain, but either way, the electricity bouncing between those two was enough to make my hair stand on end. It was the way Liam and I looked at each other.

  “I’m starving, you cooking?” Luke asked without taking his eyes from Sasha.

  I shook my head, and he finally looked in my direction.

  “There’s some of that smelly cheese you and Liam like in the fridge and some pate.” I turned towards Sash.

  “You wanna go plate up some nibbles, and we’ll order takeaway once I’m finished.” She nodded and headed to the kitchen, careful not to brush against Luke as she passed him.

  It was dark by the time I was done. I had avoided joining the others in drinking alcohol by claiming that it’d be dangerous whilst climbing on and off the stepladders, but since I finished, I was struggling for an excuse not to have a wine.

  I actually didn’t mind telling Liam in front of Luke and Sash. They’d be the very first people we’d call anyway. So, I decided to just do it. I was gathering up the courage to turn to Liam and drop the news, when my brother cut me off.

  “I’m still starving, we gonna order some proper food?”

  I let out a deep breath and smiled in his direction. “If you wanna. What’s everyone fancy? Pick somewhere that delivers, you lot have all had too much to drink to drive, and it’s freezing out there now, so I’m not going to collect it.”

  “Pizza?” Luke requested.

  “Menus in the drawer.” I told him as everyone agreed.

  Sash, who was standing in the kitchen, reached straight into the cupboard and retrieved a wine glass.

  Liam attempted to pull me towards him, but I dodged out of his way and claimed that I needed to go to the bathroom before I could sit down.

  I rushed up the stairs and into my bedroom, pulling out the Christmas cards I’d bought earlier from their hiding place. It only took me a moment to write in each card, and then I was making my way back to the kitchen. I moved much slower on the way back than I did on the way out. I was shaking with nervous anticipation, my mouth was dry, and my legs felt like jelly. I was scared, excited, and not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry . . .

  “I know it’s a bit early,” I announced, “but I have Christmas cards for you all. I’d like you to each open them at the same time, but no one is allowed to speak until Liam has opened his.”

  Liam smiled his crinkly eyed smile at me, and I wanted to cry. I was about to completely change his world and he had no idea. I swallowed down the nerves and tried to lock down my emotions as I handed out the cards with shaky hands.

  “What are you up to, pretty girl?” He grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a kiss as I passed him his card. I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissed him quickly, and then stepped away. I wanted to be in a position where I could fully take in everyone’s reactions.

  “Okay, open them.”

  I laced my fingers together in front of me in a begging gesture so I had something to hang on to. I wanted to bounce up and down on the balls of my feet, and I might even have done that for a few seconds before I could contain my excitement.

  Sash and Luke shrugged and looked totally confused as they opened their envelopes. Sasha’s mouth dropped open first, and her head whipped in my direction. She hadn’t even pulled the card out yet.

  She knew.

  She was my best friend for a reason, and if it weren’t for the fact that we had seen so little of each other lately, she probably would already have guessed.

  Luke tore open the envelope and peered inside, but he only frowned before looking up at me glassy eyed, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

  My attention turned to Liam as he pulled the card from the envelope. I held my breath as I watched the varying emotions cross his face. He read the front, frowned, opened the card, read what I’d written inside, and frowned some more. I almost expected him to ask me what I was going on about, but then something must have clicked. His shoulders relaxed. A look of wonder spread across his handsome face, and he tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling for a second.

  “Sarah?” he asked on a whisper while reaching for my hand. “You’re pregnant?”

  I nodded.

  His eyes met mine, and they were filled with tears.

  “When?”

  “Yeah, we don’t need to hear that,” Luke told him, but I ignored my bother.

  “I think he’s asking when she’s due, not when did it happen,” Sasha told him.

  “Oh.”

  “C’mere.” Liam pulled me in closer, and I didn’t hesitate to step into his waiting arms.

  “Thank you, pretty girl. Thank you so fucking much. I promise to be so much more to our baby than this card says.”

  I looked down at the Christmas card that had “Merry Christmas to the Best Daddy Ever” emblazoned across the front.

  One hand slid around to the back of my neck and his other held on to my hip as he pulled me in for a soft, gentle kiss.

  “When did you find out?” He brushed his hand over my belly as he asked.

  “I just took the test this morning, but I’ve had my suspicions for a few weeks.”

  “This is the best present I’ve ever gotten. Well, apart from getting you back last year.”

  “Do you know when you’re due?”
<
br />   I shook my head. “Maybe June or July time. I’m not sure. I’ll make an appointment to see my doctor on Monday.”

  “Congratulations, bro.” My brother’s hand reached out to Liam as he kissed the top of my head. “Well done, Sunshine. I can’t wait to be the best uncle to the little dude.”

  “Could be a dudette,” Sasha chimed in.

  “I’ll still be the best fucking uncle.”

  “Yeah, and you’ll start by not dropping the F bomb around them.” I warned him. My brother actually looked a little sheepish as he mouthed sorry to me.

  Sasha pulled the bottle of champagne I’d bought earlier from the fridge and grabbed glasses from the cupboard. Liam—who hadn’t said a word but hadn’t stopped grinning—popped the cork and topped everyone but me up. Sasha poured me a glass of lime flavoured sparkling water—yay!

  “Sarah . . .” Liam started and then took a moment to compose himself. I felt my lips tremble as I watched him struggle. I didn’t think he was even this emotional at our wedding.

  “You’re the person that has given me things that I never even knew that I wanted. You’ve filled my life with things that I never even knew I was missing and now . . .” He stopped again, placed his hand over his mouth, and rubbed his lips with the tips of his fingers. “And now I’m gonna be a dad. We made a baby, pretty girl. Thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. I know it’s been hard these last few months with all the hours I’ve been putting in, but I promise to do better. I promise.”

  I actually managed to hang on to my sob until I looked at my brother and saw him cry. That was when I lost it too.

  We had a few moments of enjoying a laughing, crying group hug before getting down to enjoying the rest of the evening. We spend hours celebrating and eating pizza and agreeing that until we had more details, our news would remain just between us.

  I really wanted to tell Nan and Grandad, but they had already left on their Christmas cruise. They enjoyed it so much the previous year that they were going further afield and for longer this time, taking in the Canary and Balearic Islands around Europe. By the time they returned in the New Year, we would know exactly when I was due.

  Sasha was a drunken crying mess by the time Luke carried her up to one of our spare rooms just after ten that night. I was feeling absolutely exhausted and left the boys shooting the shit downstairs and made my way up to bed a little while later.