Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  Rissa didn’t say a word, just rubbed her sleepy eyes. Aunt Jen’s emotionless glare returned when she met my gaze again. “Take care of that baby,” she said, sending off a red flag inside my head with her tone. I wasn’t sure how to take the statement because of it.

  “Always,” I replied vaguely, not wanting to make something out of nothing.

  “Hmm… just make sure you get her some new shoes soon. And I don’t mean after you get you some. The ones she’s wearing are too small, Aubrey. She started crying as soon as I got her feet in them.”

  A heat hotter than the depths of hell swam up my spine. I’d just purchased my daughter two new pairs of shoes that were a whole half size larger than what she actually wore so she could grow into them—and she was wearing a pair.

  Was she implying that I don’t take care of—

  “And she’s ready for you to start potty training her, too. I know you think your schooling is all that’s important, but this baby is what’s important. If you wanted to get your degree, you should’ve thought about that before you to laid down and—”

  I couldn’t let her finish that sentence. “Excuse me? I always take care of Marissa. I think about her needs before I ever consider doing something for myself.” My heart was racing with rage inside my chest, but I tried not to let it show on my face. “And for your information, I’m going to school for Marissa, too, not just myself.” Feeling myself getting even more heated, I stared my aunt down. However, I didn’t want to let myself go there in front of Rissa, so instead of going off, I took to the steps and headed toward my car. “I’m just gonna go. Thanks again for keeping her last minute,” I said, trying to keep my cool but failing miserably. Anger was heavy in my tone.

  “Whatever, Aubrey. Just get that baby on the potty,” she called out behind me as I quickened my pace toward the car. Her words and assumptions stung, but I refused to cry. It took everything in me, but I refused.

  The short drive to my apartment from my aunt’s house was mostly silent. I kept the radio off and listened only to Rissa’s random noisemaking in the backseat. Somehow, the sound of her happy voice soothed me—made the sting of my aunt’s accusations fade into the distance. It was amazing that so many things were wrong, but my daughter was blissfully unaware of all of it. When I met her eyes in the rearview mirror, she gave a grin of mostly gums. I smiled back and shut off the engine.

  She continued to ramble while I undid the straps of her car seat and walked the long pathway to the front door of the building. Although it was dark, children continued to run about the lawn, playing on the less than safe playground equipment off to the side, which had more rust than paint covering the metal posts and bars. A few of the older neighbors hung around as well, sitting on nearby benches, smoking, laughing, and carrying on conversation. One or two waved, but the rest didn’t even seem to notice that I passed. I carried Rissa up the flights of stairs and fatigue hit me hard by the time I got to our floor. Working eight hours and then heading to class at night was taking a toll on me, but I had to keep pressing toward the mark. Just a little while longer and I’d be making enough money to be free of this place, to get away from my family, and to start a new life somewhere safer.

  “Look how much I made!” Gabby’s excited voice rang in my ears. I watched as she came bounding down the hallway, clutching her candy box. Despite how upset I still was, I managed to smile at her, glancing inside her envelope at what I guessed to be about thirty dollars.

  “Not bad. Is that from around here or from school?” I asked, sticking the key in the lock of my apartment door.

  Gabby’s sigh caught my attention. “From here. Officer Ad—” she started, quickly amending her statement and dropping the formal title. “Adam wouldn’t let me take it this morning. This is my emergency stash from under my bed. Hopefully he got me some sales at work, though,” she joked.

  I shook my head at her and tried not to think of Adam when she mentioned his name. The uniform threw me off when he answered his door this morning, which he seemed to notice, but the chaos that took place during breakfast served as a distraction from it. I all but forgot what he had on, trying to keep my girls, Rissa and Gabby, in line while getting ready for work. It was a little embarrassing having him see how out of control things can get around here, but he seemed to fit right in. Pretty well, actually. I liked that he was hard to scare off. My guess was he’d seen some pretty messed up stuff while on the force, so our madness was pretty much normal in his eyes.

  Rissa started to whine a bit, so I set my things on the living room floor while I went to the fridge where I’d stored a few of the cold cloths for her to chew on, knowing they’d get too hard being in the freezer all day. Gabby kept her entertained for the short time it took me to return. Rissa accepted the cloth happily, as if she was beginning to recognize it as something pleasant. I smiled at that. Adam knew his stuff. I didn’t know how he knew that trick would work, but he did and I was grateful.

  “You in a rush to leave?” I asked Gabby in the middle of her playing peek-a-boo with Rissa.

  She looked up. “Nope. I was actually gonna ask if I could stay tonight.”

  I made my way to the kitchen to get the garbage bag that needed to go out. “That’s fine. Keep an eye on her while I run this out?”

  Gabby glanced at the bag in my hand and then nodded before going back to playing. I slipped into my gym shoes by the door and took to the stairs again. I opened the backdoor and walked the few yards to the dumpsters across the alley, tossing the bag inside before turning to go back into the building.

  “You really shouldn’t be back here so late. Anything could happen,” a now familiar voice warned. My natural reaction was to smile, but I quickly ditched the expression before turning to face Adam. I took in the sight of him, noticing he’d removed that god-awful uniform and replaced it with ‘normal’ clothes—jeans and a t-shirt again, but white instead of gray this time. The fact that I remembered what color shirt he wore the night before meant I was paying closer attention to him than I realized. At the thought of it, I swallowed hard, looking down the alley instead of at him as I hugged my arms across my chest.

  “Thanks for the concern, but I’ve lived in this neighborhood all my life,” I finally replied after laughing at the gravity in Adam’s tone. “One of us should be nervous out here, but I assure you it isn’t me.”

  He smiled at that and shoved his hands into his pockets like he’d done the night before, giving off a certain boyish charm despite the fact that he was clearly all man. Again, I swallowed hard, but this time I didn’t look away.

  “What are you doing out here?” I asked, wanting to divert my thoughts.

  “I try to do perimeter checks a few times a night just to make sure everything’s quiet,” he explained, turning slightly to sweep his eyes down to the other end of the alley. When he did, I saw his gun holstered at his hip. Without thinking, I took a step away from him, all of a sudden remembering what he did for a living.

  “So… uh… your day was good?” he asked hesitantly, almost as if he wasn’t sure it was okay to do so.

  The question made me reflect. Finding out my account was overdrawn and that the daycare’s check bounced first thing this morning set a precedent for the rest of my day. Javi calling, reminding me of our issues, although I didn’t answer, added to the drama. Then, between finding out hours were being cut in the Detroit Edison call-center where I worked, my class getting out late, and then the run in with my aunt, my day basically sucked. However, people never really wanted the truth when they asked about your day, so I gave Adam a general, “It was okay,” response.

  He nodded.

  “Yours?” I inquired.

  He seemed pleased I asked. “Good. Same old same old. Just got in not too long ago.”

  I frowned. “You were working this late after going in so early?”

  He paused, but then spoke again, sharing more with me than was required, seeing as how we were basically still strangers. “No, actua
lly. I went to a meeting when I got off,” he admitted freely. “Alcoholics Anonymous.”

  Unsure of what to say, I opened my mouth and then shut it again. Seeing me stammer, Adam gave a short laugh.

  “I’m sorry, I—”

  “No need to apologize,” he assured me. “I’m sober and proud of it. Four years now.”

  I was no stranger to what addiction could do to a person or how hard they could be to get over. While my mother’s vices were heroin and men, I still had an idea of what a feat Adam’s sobriety must’ve been.

  “Wow,” I said, smiling a bit. “That’s impressive.” And it really was.

  One corner of his mouth lifted. “Thank you, but it’s honestly an ongoing battle. I just try to take it one day at a time.”

  I nodded, inwardly admiring his strength, feeling like I didn’t know him well enough to speak on the topic any further. He did another visual sweep of the alley, and I remembered he was technically still on duty.

  “Well, I left Gabby inside with Rissa, so I should be getting back inside,” I announced, already taking a step toward the door.

  “Hang on a sec,” Adam said, luring my attention back to him.

  “Yeah?”

  He walked closer, undoing the distance I’d put between us and then some. We were maybe a couple feet apart and I could now see his blue eyes clearly when the moonlight struck them, causing me to pause. His broad shoulders and those solid arms of his made me feel so many things all at the same time. Safe. Conflicted. Curious. Warm—well my face at least.

  “I was thinking. I owe you for breakfast this morning.” Somehow, his confidence never slipped away, but he seemed unsure when he continued. “We should go out to breakfast tomorrow,” he suggested.

  My mouth opened again, but words never came out.

  I think he mistook my speechlessness for something it wasn’t, prompting him to further explain. “I mean, it doesn’t just have to be you and me. Gabby and Rissa are welcome to come, too. My treat.”

  My heart palpitated inside my chest. I wasn’t sure if this was because it’d been so long since a guy had asked for some of my time or if it was just because of him. Either way, my cheeks became warm and I felt like a teenager. Biting the side of my lip, I gave Adam’s offer some thought.

  “I actually have something going on in the morning,” which was kind of true. I had some reading I needed to get done for school. “Sorry,” I added quietly.

  Adam nodded. “No, don’t apologize. It’s fine. I understand.”

  I gave a tight smile and again tried to retreat to the building. His presence was almost overwhelming, leaving me to feel like I’d do or say something I shouldn’t. So when he called out a counter offer, I felt my heart leap in my chest.

  “What about dinner then?” he asked, honestly impressing me with his persistence. Most men would’ve been done with me after I turned down the first request.

  With my back to Adam, I smiled to myself.

  “It won’t be anything fancy,” he explained. “I committed to volunteering for a community outreach event at a church downtown. We do it a couple times a year. First we serve a hot meal to the homeless and then we get to stay and eat when it ends. The kids can still come.”

  His offer struck a chord with me, and not just because he’d now asked to take me out twice, but because he was doing something for someone other than himself. Something completely selfless. This information made his kind act the night before seem like such behavior was actually the norm, as opposed to being a solitary event, for him. Gabby’s declaration that Adam was different was now stuck in my head. Maybe he was a good person. A good man.

  I looked down at my shoes instead of turning around to look at him. “When?”

  It sounded like he was pleased when he answered, “Tomorrow at six.”

  I definitely wasn’t out of excuses I could’ve used to turn him down, but I found myself not wanting to give one anymore. I wanted to go with him. Wanted to spend time with him.

  “We’ll be ready by 5:30,” I answered. When I glanced back at him over my shoulder, my assumption was confirmed; he was smiling.

  “Good. I’ll be down to get you guys then.”

  Gabby watched, sprawled out on my bed with her feet dangling off the edge, while I tore through my closet looking for something to wear. I knew tonight wasn’t about looking good. My focus should’ve solely been on the people we’d be feeding; however, the fact that I’d already tried on three different outfits made it clear I was concerned with being cute as well as comfortable.

  “Wear that shirt with the one strap—the blue and gold striped one,” Gabby suggested, staring at the ceiling.

  I shot her a look in the mirror’s reflection. “I did mention this event was taking place at a church, didn’t I? I’m not walking in there with all that skin showing.”

  Gabby shrugged.

  “What about this?” I asked, holding up a black button-down shirt with three-quarter length sleeves. “With jeans?” I asked.

  She made a face. “I guess. Seems kind of plain, but it’ll do.”

  I released a breath and gave up, deciding this was where my search was ending. Besides, I only had ten minutes before Adam would be at my door.

  “I can’t believe you’re not coming with me,” I said from the closet where I changed out of Gabby’s line of sight.

  “What do you mean? I told you I have a paper to write for English. But you two have fun without me,” she teased. “Me and Rissa have an evening of SpongeBob and Shakespeare ahead of us.”

  I shook my head at her less than subtle attempt to make this outing with Adam more than it was. I mean sure, I was giving my attire a little too much thought, but that didn’t mean anything. Adam said himself this wouldn’t be anything fancy.

  A firm yet gentle knock at the door sent my heart to racing. I slipped into a pair of gray flats and checked my hair.

  “Ok, remember there’s dinner in the fridge for you and Rissa when you guys get hungry.”

  Gabby got up from my bed and coaxed me toward the door with both her hands pressed against my back. “I know, I know. Just go and have fun. I got this,” she asserted, causing me to chuckle as I approached the door.

  Before I could open it, I had to take a deep breath.

  The first thing I expected to notice when I opened the door were Adam’s piercing eyes, because they were almost my favorite thing about his physical makeup. And they were the first thing, but then my eyes drifted lower—to his uniform. He smiled at the sight of me, making my cheeks go hot again, but I quickly let my gaze fall on his dark blues again. Badge and all.

  Behind me, Gabby snorted a short laugh, probably knowing already how uncomfortable I was, and then she disappeared in my bedroom, where I assumed she’d be on the computer until Rissa woke up.

  “You look great,” Adam said instead of greeting me with a ‘hello’ like I would’ve expected. I only grinned a little, still trying to figure out where the miscommunication came in. I mean, did he really have to wear this?

  I swallowed hard, forced a smile, and then stepped out into the hallway. I turned my back on Adam to lock the deadbolt, grateful that I could let the horror show on my face for a moment without him seeing.

  “What about the girls?” he asked. “I thought they were coming too?”

  When I faced him, his eyes found mine quickly. “Uh… they were. Gabby has a paper to write for school, though. So since she had to stay behind, she volunteered to keep Rissa at home with her.” As soon as I finished speaking, the uniform again distracted me. Unable to keep quiet any longer, I decided to ask Adam what was up. “So, you’re um… you’re wearing that? To serve the homeless?” I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. When I met Adam’s gaze again, he seemed unsure of what to make of my question, and I hoped I hadn’t offended him.

  “Well, I won’t actually be serving, per se. I’ll mostly be there to make sure things don’t get out of hand. A couple of the other officers volunteer, too,
so we’ll all be in uniform.”

  I said nothing, just started walking toward the steps, wishing I’d known how this evening was supposed to go before I said yes. From the way things sounded, I’d be with a bunch of strangers while Adam and his comrades manned the doors.

  “It bothers you, doesn’t it?” he asked, catching me off guard. “The uniform? I noticed you seemed kind of startled when I was wearing it yesterday.”

  I hated that he’d called me out on the carpet. I didn’t want my answer to hurt his feelings. But now I had to come up with a response that wouldn’t offend him.

  Seeing as how he could already tell I was feeling awkward, I decided to be honest. Nice, but honest nonetheless. “It’s just that the police haven’t exactly been knights in shining armor around here,” I replied. “It isn’t you directly. It’s just that—”

  “It makes you uncomfortable being with me when I have to wear it,” he interrupted, saying more than I was planning to reveal, but still it was the truth.

  When I didn’t confirm or deny, that was all the answer he needed.

  We descended the stairs in silence, and I began to have second thoughts. Maybe I should’ve just told him I changed my mind.

  Passing by the front entrance, instead heading toward the back, I breathed a sigh of relief. There were sure to be fewer people hanging around back there, meaning fewer people would witness me leaving the building with the ‘resident snitch’. While I was starting to see Adam in a new light, I was pretty sure no one else’s view of him had changed.

  Adam held the door so I could pass in front of him and my shoulder brushed against his solid chest, piquing my interest. In my head, I saw a set of firm pecs, maybe cloaked in soft, dark hairs like his arms, leading down to rippling, godlike abs. Already, his t-shirts had revealed those arms of his, but the rest of it was left to my imagination. However, when I found myself trying to visualize it, I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as we made our way down the sidewalk. We neared Adam’s dark blue BMW, an older model that looked new because he’d kept it up, and the last image slipped away when he spoke.