Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  She shot back in her seat, her lip curling up in distaste. “Um, no. We don’t have to listen to that, but no Kid’s Bop please. I’m fifteen. Not eight.”

  I lifted my hand and let her take over again. She settled on a Top 40 station. Something more suitable and wouldn’t make me feel guilty by filling her head with obscenities. Kids cussed enough as it was without my help.

  “So what’s your story?” I asked her, guiding the car down the street. “Do you eat breakfast with Aubrey every morning or…”

  I tried to make my question less about Aubrey than it really was. I didn’t want Gabby thinking I was fishing for information about her… which I kinda was. It was my business to know about all the residents who lived around me. Aubrey included. Though I guess that didn’t need to entail her morning activities... I made myself look past that tiny detail as I waited for Gabby’s response.

  She nodded to the beat in the car, gazing out the window. She pushed the glass down with the button on the door and rested her arm outside of it. “Pretty much. I watch Rissa while she gets ready for work, and well,” she paused, shrugging. “Mom don’t miss me too much, so whatever. I live down the hall.”

  She didn’t look at me while she spoke, and I didn’t want to press about her words, how the change in her tone went from lighthearted to something else, or how the happy kid next to me suddenly turned into something different. Something completely on the other side of the spectrum. Her situation was similar to a lot of kids her age unfortunately. Some parents just didn’t know how to be parents. She was picking at the windowsill when I spoke next.

  “That’s good you help her out.” And it really was. Aubrey definitely seemed like she needed it as well and didn’t seem like the type to allow too many others to do so for her.

  That smile lit Gabby’s face again as she gazed. “Yeah. I love Rissa. And Aubrey. Some folks around here give you the side eye; don’t care to be around you or anything if you’re not their business. But Aubrey, she cares.”

  I could tell that about her, too. Especially when she wiped my hands down and served my plate this morning. Babying me like her baby. I laughed inside at that.

  Silence fell between Gabby and me for a bit, but that was okay. We listened to music, cruising along. We drove into a new neighborhood, urban just like where we were lived, and Gabby sat up, leaning on the windowsill. “Don’t remember the last time I passed through here,” she said, watching the rundown buildings and the faces smiling and playing outside of them.

  This area was more Hispanic than ours, and she was right, we didn’t need to pass through here to get to her school, but even before I moved I made my way down here. Just to check up on the area and stuff. We passed a house and an aged woman sat outside, watching as a little girl showed her cartwheels out front. The woman smiled, clapping every time the girl completed a rotation. The two were in their own little world until my squad car came by. The woman glanced our way, but I turned my head, not making eye contact. Unfortunately, I was trapped by the light and had to stop, nearly directly in front of the house.

  Tapping on the steering wheel, I mentally willed the light to change. I could feel the woman’s eyes in our direction. Glancing that way, I confirmed it, but fortunately Gabby looked that way as well. She waved at the woman with a smile and the woman did the same back only briefly before placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder, getting her attention. She placed her arm around her and the two then went inside, no more attention given to Gabby and me.

  The tension left when the light changed. My foot hit the metal and I charged us off again to Gabby’s school. I must have been distracted before because I didn’t realize what came out of my mouth until it was too late.

  “So Aubrey. Has she been living in the area long or…”

  My question caused Gabby to look my way and her grin wasn’t lost on me. She crossed her arms. “You got a crush on Aubrey, Officer Adam?” she asked, waggling her eyebrows.

  This kid really was handling me. Rubbing the back of my neck, I said, “Where’s your school?” I already knew, but wanted to deter her from asking any more questions.

  She directed us there and I let out a relieved breath when she didn’t yank my chain anymore about my question. She told me where to park and I was surprised at the distance. Her school was about a block up.

  “You sure you don’t want me to get you any closer?” I asked, watching a cluster of kids file in down the street.

  Gabby unbuckled, grabbing her backpack from the back seat. “Uh, yeah. It may have been cool to ride in a squad car, but I don’t need folks knowing the law was my ride.”

  I laughed at that. I understood on that front and didn’t blame her. She got her box of chocolate bars out of the back, too. I didn’t want to say anything, but I decided to. “Maybe you should leave those with me,” I told her, eyeing the box.

  Selling at the complex was one thing, but I didn’t want her getting in trouble at school. She frowned, handing me the box. “You trying to mess with my hustle?”

  “No. Trying to keep you out of the principal’s office,” I said, sliding them to the back. “I’ll give them back to you after school. Just swing by my place. I’ll give them to you.”

  The frown melted away, turning back into her familiar grin. “I told her you were different.”

  Her words surprised me. I wondered who she had told that to, but I was happy she had. She got out without another word. I thought she’d leave, but she stopped, resting her arms on the open window. “Aubrey’s been living there for a couple years now. And it’s been very much just her and Rissa.”

  And with that, she left.

  I barely sat down when Caroline joined me, taking a seat in front of me at my desk. She wore the same uniform as me, though I guess hers was a bit more formfitting seeing that she was a female. Try telling her that though—that she was female, that is. She was no different from the guys around here and didn’t want to ever be seen as such. I respected her for that, and the others did, too. She was only one of a handful of women at our precinct, so I could imagine that was tough. In fact, I knew it was. Gaining respect from anyone here never came easy, and I definitely knew that from experience.

  She placed her hands on the desk, folding them with a small smile. “You barely made it, Holloway,” she said, gazing up at the wall clock above my desk. “Ten minutes to spare. I thought I was going to be able to give you a hard time today.”

  I did that to her once for being late and she has never let me live it down since. I didn’t mind, though. We always jostled each other around here. I shook my head, placing my own hands on the table. “Sorry to disappoint.”

  She leaned back, crossing her arms. “Hmm. Maybe tomorrow.”

  “Maybe tomorrow,” I countered, though I hoped she wouldn’t hold her breath. I turned while she sat, deciding to check my emails quickly before I looked for Don. I shared a squad car with the man for over eight years now and hadn’t switched since the day I got assigned to him as a rookie, and that was for good reason. He had a lot of miles on me, and I did nothing but learn from him.

  “How are things on the assignment?” Caroline asked.

  I laughed, deleting an email. “You mean how’s my new place?”

  She corrected with a smile. “Yeah. It’s a rough neighborhood, Adam.”

  “Yeah, and I can handle it. Besides a couple noise complaints, people generally keep to themselves. I saw more action where I was living before.”

  Meth was huge in my old neighborhood. People in the suburbs had their vices, too.

  She nodded, thinking about that. Glancing my way, she lowered her arms, placing her hands in her lap. “Do you need help with anything? Moving in and getting settled? I can swing by. You know that’s no problem.”

  Pausing my hand on my mouse, I closed my eyes for a moment. She offered a similar proposal last week. Caroline and I, yeah, we had a little bit of a history. I supposed that was an understatement. We originally met at work, but connected
on a deeper level in another way. I had no idea she shared some of the same struggles I had with drinking when I first met her here, hers stemming from her breakup with her husband, me and my own thing…

  But when I saw her at that first meeting I attended, our similarities became clear. She was coming up from her demons while I was deep in mine. We shared that. We connected with that.

  Because of our similar struggles, we ended up finding a friend in each other. She helped me through some tough times. In fact, I almost called her just last night after I broke down and took out those photos buried in my closet. Caroline had become a kind of crutch for me over the years, and because of that shared connection we had, our friendship went beyond that sometimes. Loneliness on both our parts. We hadn’t hooked up in a while, and after we stopped, we had no issues. Caroline was cool like that. I knew her offer to help me unpack and stuff was just that—to help, but I didn’t want to blur the lines again like they had before. I turned toward her. “I really am good, but I’ll let you know if something changes.”

  She settled on that, placing her hands on the desk again. Like I said, Caroline was cool like that. The two of us normally had a bit of back and forth in the morning before we went out on the road with our partners, but when she didn’t leave right away, I wondered if something was up. I gave her my full attention, getting off the computer, and I knew something was wrong when she chewed the inside of her cheek before she spoke.

  “They’re reopening the Lopez case,” she said, and my heart charged like someone set a battery to it.

  I didn’t understand, shaking my head. “Why?”

  The Lopez case was early in my career, but it was something I’d never forget. Hard to do that considering the outcome. A kid died that day.

  Caroline sat back, crossing her arms. “The kid’s up for an appeal. The one who survived? Anyway, the family is pulling out all the stops. Word has it that they got the support of the community and with that new Representative that just got elected last term, Rep. Garcia? They’ve got more support than just their neighbors.”

  I scrubbed my hand down my face. Representative Garcia definitely was moving mountains for the Hispanic community around here. That was excellent. Of course it was, but… this was close to home.

  “I heard IA is going to be around this week, Adam,” Caroline continued. “Looking into Don.”

  My head shot her way. “Internal Affairs? Why?”

  She shrugged. “Might be customary. Might not. Don’t know.”

  I sat on that for a moment before I said anything. “Where’s Don?” I asked her.

  Pressing her hands on the arms of her chair, she stood. “I think you know where.”

  And I did when I found the guy in the gym. He didn’t have his uniform on yet, sweating up a pair of gray sweats with the police department’s familiar logo on the front. He punched at a speed bag, owning the hell out of it like he wasn’t a graying, fifty-eight-year-old man. I took a seat to the side of him on the mat, catching his attention just briefly. My attention didn’t break his focus and that bag kept going with repeated thunks.

  “Old man,” I said, greeting him with a smile.

  He did the same with an added smirk. “Kid,” he returned, not missing a beat on the bag. “So you heard?”

  “I did.”

  He continued against the bag. “Retirement is right there, kid. Right there and they’re pulling this crap.”

  He was supposed to retire soon. That made me sad of course, seeing as I’d miss the big guy, but he deserved it. He put in his time and then some. I put my hands together. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Don. This is just routine, you know? They’re doing what they’re supposed to do.”

  I said this, but I wasn’t so sure. I’d never heard of IA coming back after a case was put down on record that it was clean. A clean case. A clean shot. I didn’t want to worry him, though. I think he called bullshit on me anyway. He smirked, not looking at me, and continued to hit. He said four words into the bag: “You got my back?”

  I had up until this point and owed him only that. He finally looked my way and I let him know I did with a nod.

  He turned back to the bag, hitting again. “Good. I’m going to need a drink tonight. You game to come out?”

  I often did go out with the guys and Caroline, but after last night… I never drank at the bars but things were just too fresh to test them.

  “I had a rough night,” I said, knowing that was an understatement. Seeing Aubrey with Rissa last night just made me think of old times, I guess. I shrugged it off. “Probably going to take in a meeting tonight. Turn in early after that.”

  He looked at me without judgment and only with positivity; that’s why I respected him. He’d been there. Been there without reprieve through all the never-ending crap with me. Yeah, I had this man’s back. But he definitely had mine, too.

  He picked up a towel off a bench. Running it along his forehead with a smile, he came over to me. “I’ll have one for you,” he said then escorted me out of the gym and to our shift.

  The second I exited I-94 onto Outer Drive, my gas light began to flash on the dashboard, letting me know if I drove much further without filling up I’d be sorry. Already, I was ten minutes late getting Rissa from Aunt Jen’s and I knew she didn’t play about getting downtown to the casino on Friday nights. She’d give me an earful when I got to her house, but I couldn’t risk running out of gas with Rissa in the car. So as much as I was against stopping at gas stations in the middle of the night, I didn’t have much choice.

  Lucky for me, there was a station right off the freeway, preventing me from having to drive too far. The lot was lit well enough, but that didn’t always mean anything. I pulled up to a pump and dug down in my purse for the ten-dollar bill I should’ve had in the side pocket and then realized I’d used it to pay Gabby for babysitting the night before. Remembering my account was overdrawn, which meant I couldn’t use my debit card, I resorted to plan C—dig for as much change as I could find and pray it was enough to get me there to pick up my baby and get home.

  After scraping together seven dollars, I made my way inside to pay. The older gentlemen in front of me paid for his lottery tickets and pack of cigarettes and then moved aside, tucking his purchase in his pocket before exiting the store.

  “Can I help you?”

  I looked up at the clerk when he spoke and tried to hide the embarrassment that had my pride in a headlock. Truth was, I was tired of living check-to-check, only to have that not even be enough to make it to the end of the week. As if I was handing over a hundred-dollar bill to the cashier, I dumped the change in the man’s hand as he gazed at me over the counter. Yes, I knew he didn’t feel like counting it, but this was all I had.

  “Seven on pump four,” I said dryly, wondering if he was judging me, although he’d said nothing that would indicate he was. His eyes were on me a moment longer and then he began counting.

  “You’re all set,” the clerk said, dismissing me so I could get my gas, get Rissa, and get home.

  “Thanks,” I said quickly, starting toward my car.

  I counted the seconds as my tank filled, doing all I could to ignore the things I imagined my aunt saying and thinking about me because I was late. As soon as the pump clicked, I hurried to harness it again and screwed the gas cap quickly. With the engine started, I locked the car doors and pulled back out onto the street.

  9:15… If I had to guess, Aunt Jen was pacing in front of the door, watching for my headlights.

  I was right. Before I could even get my foot out the car, the wrought-iron storm door flung open and I could see Rissa already had her shoes on when my aunt brought her out onto the porch. I ascended the steps and Aunt Jen shook her head, as if to say she was disappointed in my inability to get my daughter on time. She had no idea the kind of day I’d had, but I also knew telling her about it wouldn’t get me anywhere. She didn’t care. Never had.

  “You know I’m supposed to meet
Cheryl at Motor City at 9:00. We don’t just jump right on the slot machines; we like to eat at the buffet first. You could’ve at least called and said you were running behind. That’s the courteous thing to do.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. Class held late and—”

  “You could’ve… at least… called,” she repeated, scolding me with her eyes.

  I bit my tongue, choosing to greet my child who was smiling like we’d been apart for months, instead of revealing to my aunt that I couldn’t make outgoing calls at the moment. Not until I paid my cell phone bill. That would’ve only brought down her judgment on me, and I didn’t need that from her or anyone else. I was doing the best I could.

  “Hey, baby!” I said, scooping Rissa up in my arms while Aunt Jen slid the diaper bag onto my shoulder, rushing me as I stood on her front porch.

  My eyes finally met hers. “Thank you for watching her on such short notice,” I managed to convey with sincerity, although it was hard to show gratitude to someone so vindictive.

  “Mmmhmm,” she said with a sigh. “What happened with her daycare anyway?” she inquired.

  I cleared my throat while thinking up an excuse. Aside from my grandparents who passed a few years ago, I’d made it a habit to keep my family out of my business. This wasn’t hard to do because it wasn’t like they cared all that much about what went on in my life anyway. When they did happen to inquire, it was usually just to be nosey, not out of concern.

  “There’s a flu or something going around and one of the caregivers called and suggested that all the parents find someplace else for the kids to go until Monday. That way they can disinfect everything and the virus can run its course,” I lied.

  “Mmmhmm,” Aunt Jen repeated. “Well I hope it goes like you say, ‘cause I have things to do next week.”

  My aunt’s expression changed to a soft smile when she leaned toward me to kiss my daughter. “Bye, baby. Be good, you hear?”