Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  I nodded. “For school. She asked if it wouldn’t be a problem for me to take her on my way to work from now on. I ran into her last night.”

  Actually it was she who ran into me during my rounds—late during my rounds. I didn’t like that, at all, and I especially didn’t like where I caught her coming from. It wasn’t her apartment or even her floor. Since I moved here, people definitely kept quiet around me, kept things quiet, but that routine never stayed for long once folks got comfortable. I was well aware of the rumors; whispers as I kept my ears always open. Narcotics were definitely present in this building, and I had my suspicions of the location of the dealer. That very apartment was where I caught Gabby, of all people, sneaking out of at an ungodly hour. She’d been flustered when she saw me, making quick conversation about how I was. I couldn’t dig any further as she said she was tired and immediately asked me if I wouldn’t mind taking her to school. I said okay, of course, and when she told me why, I found I couldn’t linger on where I discovered her that night. The reason had concerned Aubrey.

  “Why would she ask you to do that?” Aubrey asked before me now. “I usually take her.”

  I decided to be honest as Gabby had with me last night. The reason had to do with Aubrey, so she should only know. “She wants to help you out. She saw you were home earlier than usual and heard you mention to someone that your hours were cut when she walked by your door.”

  She didn’t say anything, looking away, and I could only gather that was true. I decided to continue. Though I kind of felt uncomfortable addressing the sensitive issue, I needed to anyway. “I go past her high school anyway so… yeah. Not a problem.”

  Aubrey’s reaction to this was as expected.

  Not happy in the least.

  She crossed her little arms over her chest, a deep scowl marking her beautiful face. “I don’t need help,” she nearly growled at me. “I’m fine. Things are fine.”

  I didn’t want to argue with her about this. “Even if they are, would it hurt to appease the kid? She just wants to make things easier for you. Let her think that she is. You do so much for her. She probably just wants to return the favor.”

  She thought about that, a long, hard thought. Suddenly, she dropped her arms from her chest, stepping back. “Gabby,” she yelled behind her into the apartment. “Adam’s here to take you to school.”

  I faintly heard Gabby’s voice, saying just a moment, and when Aubrey came back into the hall, she didn’t look so annoyed with me anymore.

  I smiled. “Thank you.”

  Her expression kicked up a warmth in me, those full lips of hers turning up at me. She tipped her head in my direction. “Where’s your uniform?”

  She noticed that detail. I raised my black duffle I brought with me before setting it to rest on the floor. “I’m getting dressed at the precinct today. Leaving a little early to do so.”

  Her gaze left the bag and went to my eyes. “Why?”

  I didn’t have to think about that long. “Someone let me know it bothered her,” I said simply. “I didn’t want to do that to her anymore.”

  She knew right away I meant her. Her lashes cut away as she escaped my eyes, turning her head. “Adam…”

  I brought her to me before should could finish, sliding my hand along her elbow as I braced her. She didn’t fight me, not at all, and her body went languid, shivering under the single touch of my hand. I only meant to get her to look at me, but once I got her closer, I wanted even more. I wanted her pressed up against me while I held her. Placing her hand on my chest, she stopped such a thing, and when she shook her head, that arm’s length of space stayed there.

  I paused immediately, squeezing her arm as I still held her elbow. She didn’t move away, but she kept shaking her head, so much so I couldn’t do anymore. True, she wasn’t pushing away from me, but she clearly didn’t want what was happening in the hallway. I could only gather she wanted me to be the one to step back.

  So, I did.

  Forcing myself to let go, I took that step back and a million questions pressed upon me again. I started with first, the glaringly obvious one.

  “Where’s Marissa’s dad, Aubrey?” It needed to be asked.

  She closed her eyes slowly and her neck moved a bit when she swallowed. “It’s… complicated.”

  She said that the night before. Complicated. I nodded. “Complicated, as in how? Is he around?” I asked, and when a chilling thought struck me, I stepped forward again, leaning into her. “Does he hurt you?”

  Her eyes flashed up. “No. No, nothing like that.”

  The man better hope to hell it wasn’t like that. “Tell me how it’s complicated. You’re with him?”

  She pursed her lips and the nod she gave was so subtle I barely saw it.

  I made myself remain calm. “But the other the night…”

  “The other night was a mistake, Adam. I was confused before. I’m not now.”

  I may have kissed this woman, but there was no confusion as far as what I felt on the other end of it. No confusion about how her mouth, her body, responded to me, and from what I could see, there was no presence of him in her life right now. If someone was with her, why were she and Rissa alone? If someone was with her, why wasn’t he taking care of her the way she deserved?

  Letting out a breath, I placed my hands on her arms, squeezing again. Like before, she didn’t pull away. I leaned into her. “I always give people the benefit of the doubt, Aubrey. Always, but if you’re with Marissa’s father I shouldn’t be confused about anything. His presence in your daughter’s life, in your life, would be completely known to me. No room for confusion.”

  Her body stiffened in my arms, and for the first time, she drew away from me.

  She pulled away.

  Lifting a slow finger in my direction, her jaw clenched. “You don’t know a thing about this situation.”

  I put my hands together. “Then help me with that.”

  I wasn’t lying before. If she needed me to step back I would, but it didn’t seem like that was actually what she wanted. She was telling me that, expressing that to me, but I wasn’t convinced. She lacked confidence in what she’d said and Aubrey was one person who read nothing but self-assurance. I wasn’t buying what she was selling. I didn’t know if she was either.

  Her phone rang in her pocket and that conversation, for now, was left in the air. She took it, stepping back into the apartment, but she didn’t leave the door open more than a crack. I took that for I wasn’t welcome to follow her.

  Picking back up my bag, I waited, hoping Gabby would come along soon. That problem a few mornings ago hit again. I couldn’t turn my ears off and heard Aubrey’s voice from just inside.

  I stepped closer to the door, viewing through the crack. Just barely, I saw Aubrey in her kitchen, her back to me while on the phone.

  “Aunt Jen,” she started but cut herself off, listening. She tried again. “Aunt Jen, I swear. You only have to watch Rissa for a few more days. Just a few more.” She paused, listening again. “I know what I said before but it’s only a little while longer. No. No, there’s nothing wrong with the place I take her it’s just… I’m having trouble paying right now. But her dad’s sending money. In fact, right now as we speak, and I’ll be able to take her back to daycare real soon.”

  I turned away, but just as before my ears didn’t stop from intruding.

  “Just a few—” She stopped talking again for a moment. “A few means three. After that, you… You can’t do more than today?”

  Her voice went achingly quiet on the end, and I closed my eyes.

  “Okay,” she continued whisper-light. “Okay, that’s fine. Thanks for telling me and for taking her. I appreciate it.”

  The door flew open and I was thrown off by Gabby’s sudden appearance. She traipsed out into the hallway, the straps of her book bag on her shoulders.

  “You ready?” she asked me, grinning.

  I shook my head at her. “I believe I was waiting out here
for you. So, are you ready?”

  She laughed, backing down the hall. “Already two steps ahead.”

  Gabby had no idea but she saved me from looking like I was doing more in that hall than waiting for her to show. Aubrey appeared in the hall only seconds later, Rissa in her arms, and I couldn’t see her being easy to forgive if she found out I’d been listening in on what was supposed to be a private conversation between she and her aunt. The pair waved Gabby off, which she returned before going down the stairs. I told her I’d be down in just a second and I took the time to give my own goodbye. I gave a wave of my own to tiny Rissa, but her reach out toward me made me extend it. I closed the distance to let her play with my hand, noticing she wasn’t trying to chew it this time. Her mouth really must be feeling better. The awkwardness between her mom and me was ever present while I stood there. I decided to segue it, thinking about something.

  “I forgot to mention,” I said reaching into the pocket of my bag. Rissa let me have my hand back long enough to get my wallet. I pulled out a business card from it, one of a few I had of my moms’ congregation as they liked me to spread the word about the church to the people I met on my day-to-day, those in the streets and whatnot. “My moms told me to mention the church’s daycare service to you.”

  Aubrey took the card from my fingers, eyeing. “Daycare?”

  “Mmmhmm. My moms meant to tell you about it the other night. They run it. Anyway, it’s free so—”

  “Free?” She blinked.

  Not necessarily, but the service would be for her. I nodded. “Yeah. It’s got a grant backing it. Pretty new deal. Moms are trying to get the word out about it. I don’t know if you’re looking for a new one or anything, but they thought you should know about it. It would help them out as they need the community’s involvement to keep the funding.”

  Her eyes studied mine during my spiel and I wondered if she could hear it in my voice, the lie I was giving her. Rissa plucked the card from her fingertips playing with it, and I took the opportunity to go.

  “Um, thanks.” Aubrey said behind me, and my heart did this thumping thing. It happened a lot when she spoke to me. “I’ll check it out sometime. See if I can help your moms out by using the service.”

  I’d call my moms after I dropped off Gabby, letting them know if Aubrey chose to use the daycare it would be paid no matter how long she used it.

  My concern for Aubrey didn’t lessen on the drive to work, but it did shift a little to my passenger. I couldn’t help noticing Gabby seemed different than the last time I took her to school. She didn’t really talk to me, and I could only gather that was because of the situation I caught her in last night. Something she definitely didn’t talk about on our drive. I dropped her off at school, parking down the block like before. She grabbed her bag from the back, and I finally gave in to asking her about last night, about why she was out so late and coming from that particular apartment.

  She shrugged casually. “I was up late working on a project for school and had to borrow sugar for it. Those neighbors are always up late. We’ve both lived in the building for a while. I figured they wouldn’t mind.”

  I could only stare at her. She was really going with this explanation? “Sugar?”

  “Yes.”

  I eyed her. “For what project, Gabby?”

  She didn’t miss a beat. “We have to make a replication of a cell in science. I wanted to be original and chose to bake a cake.”

  A cake. A cake she worked on at three in the morning and borrowed sugar from a sketchy apartment to get? I rested my arm on the steering wheel, pointing at her with my other hand. “Where is it today? The cake?”

  She stared down at her closed hands like she just realized its absence, pursing her lips. Her gaze then shifted to me. “Can I ask you something, Adam?”

  I lowered my arm from the wheel, giving her my full attention. “Of course.”

  “Am I under arrest?” she asked, and the question came out of such left field I was rendered speechless at first.

  Clearing my throat, I said, “No.”

  Her fingers played with one of the straps on her bag, twisting and turning a loose string. “Then why does it feel like I’m on trial?”

  This felt like a battle I wasn’t going to win today. I’d been losing a lot lately. I let her go and headed into the precinct. I got a text from Caroline on the way.

  IA is here. They’re in talking to Don. Be ready next.

  A lot of things had me on edge today, but this was definitely a new level.

  I got dressed in full uniform when I arrived at work, then made my way to one of our interrogation rooms at the precinct. I assumed if they were questioning Don it would be done in the biggest as that’s where IA took one of our own if a questioning needed to be done and I had been right. I passed Don on his way out. His eyes flashed at seeing me, and I mentioned under my breath Caroline texted me about today. A man in a suit flanked him. I hadn’t seen him before but he had the uppity look of an official. This guy must have been the one talking to Don today. He saw me as well and gazed down at a clipboard he had. He looked up. “Officer Holloway?”

  I nodded in response.

  “Do you have a moment? For a few questions?” he continued.

  I already knew that was coming. The man retreated back into the room and after he cleared Don squeezed my arm. He gave me a look I’d seen before, one I got the last time before I was asked in to speak to Internal Affairs. It wasn’t a look of reassurance, or even one to wish me luck. It was that of an understanding.

  One he felt he had with me.

  I recognized the gaze and made my way into the room. It was a standard set up. A table, dim lighting and two chairs, one in front and one behind. Our detectives used it to interrogate criminals usually. Today it was being used for Don and me.

  The man in the suit gestured for me to take a seat. He had some files spread out across the table in front of him. I took the seat as offered, clasping my hands on the table.

  “I’ll make this quick, Officer. I know you’d like to go about your day.”

  Damn, was he right about that. I swallowed, trying not to look nervous.

  The man thumbed through his papers. “I’m sure you’ve heard the case concerning Manuel Lopez is up for appeal. We’re just doing some standard stuff involving the case. What that means for you is verifying information. Things you’ve said before. You were there that day with Officer Donald Kline correct? You’ve been his partner since then?”

  I dampened my dry mouth. “Correct.”

  Another flip of the paper. “It was just you and him that day, the convenience store owner, Manuel Lopez of course, and his cousin, the one who’d unfortunately been a casualty.”

  He went on to mention that boy’s name, his age, but he left out details. Like how he was one of two kids in a single parent household and how he’d played sports in high school. He even left out that he’d been top of his class despite the hard neighborhood he grew up in. Of course those things were lost. You’d only find out if you looked into those things. Like I had done. At the time, I didn’t know why I had. Perhaps, it was because the kid had been so young when he lost his life. I wanted to remember him. I felt he deserved that.

  “The two boys held up the shop,” the man in the suit continued. “And you and Officer Kline had been in the back. You were picking up your morning coffees on patrol and the perps didn’t see you.”

  Perps. They were kids. I nodded.

  “Things got out of hand and the perps panicked when they realized you and your fellow officer were there. Officer Kline tried to talk him down, but one of the perps pulled a gun, aiming it at the owner, demanding he and his cohort be released.”

  How did a kid so young end up in a situation like that? Pull a gun on an officer when he was only sixteen?

  “His cohort moved, and in the shuffle, the perp aimed the gun at Officer Kline. The perp shot first and then Officer Kline reacted, taking him out. Taking him down.”
/>
  The perp shot first… The kid shot first… That’s what happened. That’s what happened…

  “Officer Holloway?”

  My eyes flashed up to the man where he eyed me over his papers, his look expectant. “That’s correct, right? Your statement put on record that day?”

  I shook my head, shaking away the zoned out feeling I previous had. “I’m sorry. Could you repeat what you said?”

  “I’m just trying to verify your statements. The one you put on record that matched Officer Kline’s. You said the perp shot first. He shot and Officer Kline reacted and didn’t use excessive force. I just need you to verify that. Your own statement that is.”

  I confirmed just that. The evidence had all been there that day and obviously so. The bullet casing, the round shot off from that very gun, and the shop owner witnessing that very scenario. It happened not two feet in right in front of the man, so he couldn’t have been mistaken. It didn’t matter that Manuel Lopez said different, and it didn’t matter I had a different vantage point, one many feet away, one on the other side of the convenience store. None of that mattered because the evidence had been there.

  The evidence had been there.

  The last of the dishwater drained from the sink and I dried my hands on the towel beside me, zoning out in thought like I’d done off and on all day, thinking about the way I handled things with Adam that morning. All he’d wanted was an explanation regarding my relationship status, and I denied him that. He deserved to know, but I denied him.

  Behind me, Gabby wiped down the table while Rissa sang to herself and slapped her palms against the tray of her highchair repeatedly, letting out an excited screech every now and then. I was barely even aware of the noise as I thought of what I should’ve said to Adam—what I should’ve broken down for him when he asked. All he wanted was to understand why I’d flipped the script all of a sudden.

  “Lock the door when I leave. I need to take care of something right quick. I’ll still be in the building,” I explained, turning to Gabby when I decided I needed to make things right with Adam. Whether that kiss should’ve happened or not, things could have been handled better on my end when it came to that conversation.