Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  Gabby nodded, looking like she wanted to ask where I was running off to, but respected my privacy enough that she didn’t pry. I’d already changed into my pajamas before dinner, so I just kept them on and headed upstairs to do and say what I should have done and said when Adam wanted to talk that morning. Granted, I was already irritated with the daycare situation before the sun had even fully risen, but that didn’t give me the right to be so short with him. I’d lead with an apology and then I’d at least answer the questions he’d asked.

  A few feet away from Adam’s door my steps slowed as low voices wafted from his apartment—one his, the other clearly a woman. That was unexpected.

  The second I changed my mind and decided not to bother him, not to bother explaining my situation because he had company, the door flew open and I stood face to face with a tall brunette, one who seemed just as shocked to see me as I was to see her. However, almost instantly, her expression softened and that initial shock I detected seemed to wear off— almost like it dawned on her who I was. She didn’t stare long before her mouth lifted into a polite smile.

  “Hey,” she said, stepping out into the hallway with Adam standing a foot or so behind. I knew it was him, of course, but I honestly hadn’t looked his way yet because I hadn’t taken my eyes off the woman who’d just come from inside his apartment.

  “Hey,” I eventually forced out, responding to her with a tight expression I couldn’t hide.

  Who was she? Why was she here? And… why did I feel like I didn’t have the right to care as much as I did? Then it dawned on me—I didn’t have the right to care because I was with Javi, not Adam. He wasn’t mine regardless of what my heart had to say about it. Fighting back a slight hint of jealousy, I cleared my throat.

  The brunette settled her gaze on Adam when she spun on her heels to face him. “See you in the morning?”

  He nodded in response.

  “And please, please don’t hesitate to call if you need anything. Doesn’t matter what time it is,” she added.

  “Thanks, Caroline. I really appreciate you stopping by,” Adam said, conveying a look of gratitude when he responded. The woman didn’t say another word before turning her back on Adam and me and then disappearing down the stairs.

  There was an awkward tension there in the hallway, but it felt one-sided, like I was the only one who was uncomfortable.

  “Would you like to come in?” Adam offered, stepping back so I could pass through.

  Honestly, at this point, I’d changed my mind about sharing Javi’s and my history, but I had to say something. Otherwise I’d look like an idiot for coming up here for no reason. Trying to think up a new excuse, I stepped inside and Adam closed the door behind me.

  “You can have a seat if you’d like,” he said, gesturing toward the couch.

  I took several steps in that direction and then stopped. “I was um… I actually wasn’t going to stay long. I just...” I paused to get my words together. “I just wanted to thank you for the daycare info. I’m gonna start taking Rissa in the morning.”

  Adam folded his arms over his chest and nodded. “No problem. Glad I could help.”

  He wasn’t as talkative as usual and something about him seemed a bit off. When he didn’t elaborate or hold up his end of the conversation beyond those few short statements, I became even more uncomfortable.

  “So, yeah. That was it. I didn’t mean to interrupt you and your company.”

  Adam shrugged and casually leaned his shoulder against the wall, yawning. “It’s fine. You weren’t interrupting.”

  That was it. That was all he had to say. I knew I wasn’t owed any sort of explanation about the woman, but it’d be a lie if I said I wasn’t hoping for Adam to give some sort of hint as to who she was. When he didn’t, I decided I should go. However, when my eyes shifted to his coffee table, they came to rest on a sobriety coin. I looked Adam over again, now in a new light—red eyes, tussled hair—had he been drinking?

  He read the concerned look on my face and followed my gaze to the coin. When his eyes slammed shut, I expected the worst, thinking my assumption was right.

  “I uh… today was kind of rough, but I didn’t slip. Didn’t relapse, I mean,” he confessed, leaving me to breathe a sigh of relief. He reached to his left and took the coin into his hand, eyeing it. It looked like a million thoughts ran through his head all at once, most of which he’d probably never shared with a single soul. Staring, my heart ached for him, and I almost stepped forward to take him into my arms, but I didn’t despite how badly he looked like he needed it. “Sometimes it just doesn’t hurt to have a little reminder of how far you’ve come,” he added, zoning out while looking the chip over. I watched him closely, wondering what had gone on since he’d left my door that morning. What had him on the verge of slipping up?

  The part of me that cared about Adam more than I’d admit wanted to inquire, wanted to talk about it if he needed to. But the other part reminded me of the emotional barrier I’d intentionally cast up between us like a wall. Warring between the two, I cleared my throat.

  Adam’s eyes stayed trained on the chip when he spoke. “That’s why Caroline was here,” he added, letting me know the woman’s name, but not saying much else about her.

  When he reached for my hand, I didn’t pull away, just held it open and faced it up into the position he’d gently maneuvered it into. The coin dropped into my palm and Adam took a step back, folding his arms across his chest again, as if to let me know his intentions weren’t to invade my space. I immediately hated myself for making him feel like I’d rejected him when I ran out after our kiss, which was the impression I was getting. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, though. My heart wanted to welcome him in completely, jump in blind, no reservations, but my mind wasn’t having it. That summed up my conflict. The problem was that I had all these memories of a life I’d shared with someone else. Be it good or bad, the end result was Marissa, and I wanted her to have the family I was never afforded. She had a chance to have a mommy and a daddy and I couldn’t justify denying her that.

  … but then there’s Adam and all these feelings.

  I retreated from my thoughts and stared at the coin in my hand with a “4” embossed in the middle, symbolizing his four years of sobriety. My eyes lifted to his at the exact second that his shifted to mine. There was so much unexplored emotion lingering between us—emotions that I’d stifled, not him. I looked at the medallion once more when guilt set in. When I handed it back over, Adam tucked it away into his pocket.

  “I’m sorry you had such a bad day. I know a little something about bad days, so I’ll um… I’ll go so you can rest,” I said, already easing toward the door. When I turned the knob, I half expected Adam to say something to stop me—that I didn’t have to leave, that he’d prefer it if I stayed, that he’d like to talk—but he was silent as I exited. I closed the door behind me and stood there in the hall for a moment, hoping, praying that I hadn’t made a mistake promising Javi that I’d try to work things out and distancing myself from Adam.

  From memory, I drove to the same church Adam and I had visited the night we served the homeless. The lot was empty except for the few cars I assumed belonged to the caregivers. Behind me, Rissa jingled a set of plastic keys in her hand while I turned off the engine. After retrieving her diaper bag and convincing her that she couldn’t take her toy inside with her, we crossed the lot and entered the large, glass double-doors, stepping into a part of the church I hadn’t ventured to the other night. It was mostly silent inside except for the faint sound of nursery rhymes being sung off to my left down a hallway. I followed the music until I came to a wooden door with colorful drawings covering almost every inch from top to bottom.

  I stepped in, holding Rissa almost as tightly as she was holding me. The singing continued on and a familiar smile greeted me from across the room, helping me to ease up a bit.

  “Hey, honey!” Cindy said when she came over, pulling me in for a hug before
stepping back to take a look at Rissa. “And I’m guessing this little beauty is Marissa!”

  Rissa eyed her and then rested her head on my shoulder.

  “I’m sure she’ll warm up soon,” I explained, hoping Cindy didn’t take offense to my daughter’s standoffishness.

  Cindy faked a frown and rubbed a finger across Rissa’s hand. “It’s fine. I just had high hopes she’d take to me right away like she did to Adam. He said she was all smiles from day one.” She went right into talking softly to Rissa while I dwelled on her statement about Adam. It tugged on my heartstrings that he wasn’t put off by what most men would’ve considered to be baggage—having a young child, taking care of Gabby, working and going to school as much as I did. He accepted me. All of me.

  “I have a packet of paperwork for you to fill out and bring with you in the morning. Adam explained you’re in a bit of a crunch, so she’s fine for today. No biggy,” Cindy said, smiling.

  I accepted the folder from her hand. “You don’t know how much I appreciate you all keeping her on such short notice. You have no idea what a relief it’ll be to not have to worry about paying for childcare.”

  Cindy rubbed my arm. “Oh, honey, that’s what we’re here for. You don’t have to thank me. And I’m sure Marissa will love our program. It’s not all fun and games,” she smiled. “We have a pretty good child development program that gets our little ones ready for school.”

  I couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard about this program before. And I couldn’t believe there were only about eight kids here besides Rissa. Adam did mention that his moms were trying to get their numbers up, so I figured they’d be growing soon.

  Rissa wriggled in my arms when she spotted a tiny kitchen set, complete with stove and sink. I set her down and she walked right over to it without looking back. Seeing her relax some eased my mind about having to leave her. Not only that, but Adam’s moms would be here and I trusted that they’d take good care of her.

  “You and Joan started this program on your own, or did the church recruit you two to operate it?” I asked.

  Cindy perched her hands on her hips while Joan continued to entertain the children. “Well, we’ve been members here for about ten years now and this church has enriched our lives so much; they were so loving and accepting of me and Joan when we joined. No one judged us or talked behind our backs like some of the other places we’d visited. Warmed our hearts so much that we wanted to find some way to give back, showing this church the same love they showed us. Just being in the area you start to hear some of what the people in the community are lacking. One of the major issues it seems like a lot of parents face is not being able to find quality childcare that’s affordable. So, Joan and I did some research, found some information on grants that would basically support all of our expenses, and… well… here we are! Been doing this for about two years now and we plan to stick around until old age tells us we can’t anymore,” she beamed, giving me the impression she really enjoyed her work here. That made the last of my doubts about leaving Rissa someplace new completely disappear.

  I decided to get on the road before I was late—couldn’t afford to lose my job. “Thanks again for taking her.”

  Cindy waved me off. “Oh, I’m sure she’ll be an angel.”

  I smiled, glanced at Rissa banging a plastic pan on the pretend stove, and then left before she’d have a chance to see me and protest.

  The church wasn’t too far out of my way, so I made it to the call center at a decent time. I greeted a few of my coworkers on the way to my seat, and had barely gotten comfortable when a light tap on my shoulder stole my attention away from the computer screen.

  “Good morning, Aubrey. May I have a quick word with you in my office?” Christina Carmine, our HR director asked.

  I frowned, wondering what she could possibly have to discuss with me, but followed her without question. We passed through the semi-crowded hallway and she tried to make small talk with me, but I was only giving short, one-word answers, still trying to figure out what this was about.

  Once inside her office, Ms. Carmine shut the door and motioned for me to have a seat. She rested across from me and pushed her glasses further up her nose as she examined a document. I tried unsuccessfully to read her stoic expression.

  “Okay, Ms. Phillips. I received a judgment against you yesterday afternoon and—”

  “Wait, a what? Judgment? What kind of judgment?” My heart beat wildly inside my chest because, no matter what answer this woman gave, it wouldn’t mean anything good for me. I just had a feeling.

  She took a deep breath and removed her glasses, sitting back further into her chair. “It’s a judgment to garnish your wages for an unpaid debt of some sort.” She gathered a few papers and then handed them over. “I’ve taken the liberty of making copies of the information that I have so you can contest it if you’d like, but there, unfortunately, isn’t anything we can do on our end. When these sorts of things come in, we have to comply.”

  I felt sick, like I’d black out. Already, I was in dire straits and now this.

  “There’s contact information for you to get in touch with the collector for more information,” Ms. Carmine added.

  I held the papers, stared at them, but wasn’t paying attention to a single letter printed on the page. “When does this start coming out of my check?” I asked, only now zeroing in on the amount they’d be taking each week. A fresh wave of nausea came over me as I finally read some of the information, revealing that this judgment was for a credit card in my name that I’d never even applied for. Never even saw or touched a day in my life.

  Ms. Carmine cleared her throat as I met her gaze with tears in my eyes. “I’m very sorry, Aubrey, but… the garnishment is effective immediately. The money will be deducted from this week’s check.”

  And just like that… my world crumbled just a little more.

  A knock hit my door and I was grateful for the distraction from the nightly news. Tonight had been unusual in the sense that the broadcast had basically been dead air in regards to Manuel Lopez’s case. That might have been interpreted as a good thing, but no news at all almost made me more uneasy. That same silence had been at the precinct as well since Don and I had been questioned a few days ago. It was very much a waiting game at this point and that had me on edge more than constant updates on television, whether they be good or bad.

  The knock hit again and I clicked off the TV trying not to dwell on the lack of news as I stood. The easy path to the door reminded me that I needed to thank Caroline again for her help the other night. I asked her over to talk, more like pleaded in the state that I had been in, and while she was here she of course started breaking down moving boxes and putting things away for me. I hated I used her as a crutch that night as I had in the past, but damn, did I need her. She was one of few people that understood my situation and had gotten me through a lot of tough times because of the fact. We understood each other, which was why she volunteered to help me the way she had. She’d gotten herself together and she wanted to make sure I stayed that way too.

  I’d be forever grateful.

  I opened the door and a neighbor in house slippers and a nightcap met my eyes. She wasn’t necessarily my direct neighbor but I had seen her around the building on occasion. Normally, she’d frown at me before escaping my gaze—most people did that around me so I didn’t take offense. But tonight, she wasn’t frowning. In fact, she seemed worried for some reason.

  “Officer,” she said, her hands clasped in front of her.

  I nodded, holding onto the door. “Ma’am. Can I help you with something?”

  “I don’t like to bother you about this, but there’s some noise coming from the apartment next door to mine. Kind of loud and I wondered if you could check it and make sure everything is okay.”

  “That’s not a problem, ma’am,” I assured her. “Thank you for telling me, and I’m sorry about the issue.”

  “I normally wouldn’t say anything
. Noise don’t bother me much, but that girl always so quiet. I couldn’t go to sleep knowing something might be wrong over there.”

  I smiled. “That’s very kind of you. What apartment number?” I wanted to make sure I had the right place in case the volume dwindled before I got up there. In which case, I’d give a polite warning for the future.

  “I’m in 4D. It’s to the right of me.”

  By process of elimination, I figured out very quickly the apartment she was referring to, and as soon as I had, acidic bile inched up my throat. Dampening my mouth, I managed to confirm the apartment number with the woman who complained about the noise by her neighbor, the noise that seemed unusual, as her neighbor had always been quiet. She did always keep to herself, which was why this complaint scared the hell out of me.

  I heard her voice before I even made it down the entire flight of stairs, and with as quick as I left my apartment, I knew I traveled unarmed. That was okay. I’d use my hands if I had to and take them as far as I had to go to end what was happening in Aubrey’s apartment.

  To make sure she was safe.

  I made it to her door and banged on the wood immediately, but she didn’t come. I could only assume she couldn’t even hear me. She was yelling so loud. Honestly, I barely heard the knock myself over the volume inside. I banged again, my heart racing inside my chest. “Aubrey,” I called. “Aubrey, it’s Adam. Can you open the door please?”

  “No!” she shrieked, but she wasn’t talking to me. “I’m not going to do this. Javi, I can’t. I… You can’t do this to me anymore. I can’t deal with this. How could you? That’s food out of Rissa’s mouth. Diapers… How dare you! No more. No!”

  Javi? Was that Marissa’s father? He was here... and in there with her? I rattled the wood of the door with my fist again. “Aubrey, I need you to open this door now. I need to know you’re okay. Talk to me goddammit.”