Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  “Don’t… please. Don’t put that on Rissa and me. You joined the military because you couldn’t get yourself together otherwise. Not because of us.” By now my face was soaked with tears. From the hallway, I heard Adam stop outside my door while Rissa giggled in his arms. I guessed that he was probably debating whether or not to come in and comfort me or to let me have privacy. “Why can’t you just admit that we’ve ridden this out as far as it’s gonna go? This should’ve been over a long time ago, Javi. You know it. I know it.”

  Javi’s breathing picked up, and I could hear it through the phone. “Aubrey…” was all he said before falling silent again. I hated myself for feeling sorry for him, but I did. I couldn’t help it. He deserved to hurt, though—to feel the repercussions of all he’d done to tear us apart over the years.

  “Just wait until I get home, baby. Please. We can sort this all out. I promise. Just wait ‘til I get home,” he repeated, seemingly unashamed of how desperate he sounded.

  I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “I’ve waited too long already, and I’m sick of your promises coming back void.” My throat tightened, but after one deep breath I finally spoke the words, surprisingly with little regret. “Javi, I’m done.”

  Immediately, a burden heavier than I realized I’d been carrying lifted from my shoulders and I was sure I’d done the right thing.

  Last night, I told Aubrey I wouldn’t take her, have her, while she was with someone else. She had no idea of the seriousness of that statement. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t physically make myself. People every day did that to each other. Cheated, messed around, and I couldn’t be a part of that. I couldn’t be that man who took a woman from another.

  I refused to be that man.

  That’s something I made clear to her, but even still I’d been aware of the emotions involved last night. The high we had for each other was uncontrollable by that point. One touch… tested me in the worst way possible. She probably could have told me anything, absolutely anything I wanted to hear and I would have believed her. I would have because that’s how much I wanted her, how much I think I needed her in my life, and I know that now. I hadn’t had anything deep like us in a while, in basically another life and time, and I’d been ready to jump in hell or high water to be with her on a single statement.

  You’re not, she’d said. You’re not.

  I bedded her knowing the consequences of that statement. She may have been mine in those moments, her warm flesh against me, but I’d be a naïve man not to think about the possibilities of the next morning. Once the emotions had ebbed, she might have had a change of heart, and if she had, I’d let her. I’d let her because I cared about her so much I’d let her go. I would love her from afar if that’s what she needed me to do. But Marissa’s dad called, and I no longer worried about those thoughts of regret. She’d let him go, and though the pair of us still needed to have a talk about the future, I felt there was something I didn’t have before when I left her bed this morning, and that was hope. There was hope for the two of us to be together. There was hope.

  I stared down at her daughter, her little hands rubbing her sleepy brown eyes as I had just gotten her up. I hitched her higher up my side and she patted my face. I’d make a note of that. She was a face patter. I chuckled lightly. “Let’s go see, Mommy,” I told her.

  Her hand landed on my mouth and she gurgled words in imitation. Pushing open Aubrey’s bedroom door, I stepped in. Her face lit up at her daughter, and I handed her off to her. That sadness she ended her call with happily faded away with her baby in her arms.

  I placed my hand on Rissa’s back. “I think she might start trying to talk soon. She likes to imitate.”

  “Yeah, baby?” she asked her, receiving another pat to the mouth from her.

  I laughed, rubbing the baby’s back. “Yeah.”

  That made Aubrey happy. She rocked her for a few moments, and then looked up at me. There was something unspoken there in her eyes. I think she knew I just heard her on the phone, and though that was a conversation we needed to have, it didn’t have to be now. I lowered my hand, pushing them both into my pockets. “Breakfast?” I suggested.

  Chewing her lip, she nodded once. “Breakfast.”

  I punched a bag that evening after my shift, getting a long workout in at the precinct’s gym. They had me at a desk today. I think we’d all been backed up on paperwork lately. It was just a busy time in general but that worked out because Don had been absent today. I didn’t really know why, but imagine my surprise when he showed up during my last few minutes of my workout. He came over and spotted me behind the bag.

  “Thanks,” I said, huffing because of my last punch. “I thought you were sick or something?”

  He snorted. “Sick? When have you known me to be sick, kid?”

  He was right. I hadn’t seen him take a sick day and I’d been working with the guy for over eight years. “So what’s up then?”

  Shrugging, he took a step back with the punch I just made. “Chief wanted me to take a leave of absence.”

  Pausing, I stood tall, unstrapping my gloves. “Why?”

  He rose up as well. “I got a little drunk the night before. You know, with all the shit going on. Got in a fight at the restaurant with a guy at the bar. Nothing physical. Just got a little heated. Somehow it got back to the chief, and since that’s not normal for me, the fighting, he strongly urged me to take some time off. Thinks it’s ‘stress related’,” he paused, air quoting. “Anyway, the wife agrees. Nothing stopping me from working out, though, so I’m here.”

  I worried he’d drink too much, which was why I asked Caroline to watch him. The man could be more stubborn than a mule sometimes if he wanted something, and had no doubt been too much for her. At least things didn’t stretch beyond a verbal altercation. It could have been so much worse and the man definitely didn’t need that on his plate as well.

  I nodded at his statement, agreeing with his wife and the chief. “They’re both probably right, though. The stress? Couldn’t hurt taking some time just to get your mind right.”

  Letting out a breath, he folded his arms over his chest, thinking about that. Smirking, he shook his head. “I shoot a wet back and this is what they do to me.”

  I cringed at the statement, thinking it both inappropriate and unnecessary. Lowering, I grabbed my towel. “Not cool, Don.”

  “What? That’s what he is. Was.”

  Choosing not to argue, I headed to the locker rooms. Surprisingly, Don followed behind me. I heard his steps all the way to my locker.

  “‘The hell is up with you, kid? Why are you getting all upset about one of them?”

  Getting my combination right, I yanked the door opened and faced him. “Because he was a kid, Don. A kid who was very much Latin American so your comment was both uneducated and classless.”

  His eyes flashed, gray eyebrows spiking with them and I wasn’t surprised. I usually let him get away with his ignorance, but tonight suddenly felt there was no place for it. I felt like there was no place for it nor did I have the time for it.

  Staring at me, his eyebrows narrowed, and slowly he tilted his head back. “This about that girl isn’t it?”

  Now, I was the one on the defense. If this was about who I thought it was that was warranted. Deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt, I questioned him. “What are you talking about?”

  He folded large arms over his chest. “That girl you were with at the restaurant. I saw her baby. She didn’t look black like her. Like she had some of them in her.”

  The fire that sparked underneath my skin also charged up my heart. I was an officer of the law. I didn’t lose my cool, was trained not to in order to keep myself out of heated situations when it came to my job. But never in my life would I have believed one of those situations would be now, with my partner who I trusted with my life, who I’d take a bullet for in a moment if that was needed, and who helped me in one of the darkest times of my life.

  Never.<
br />
  At this point, I was shaking, straddling a line of deep control and intense rage. I had to get it together. I wouldn’t let myself become something I wasn’t over an ignorant man and his statements.

  Letting out a breath, I faced my locker and reached into it for my gym bag to go.

  “That woman and her baby won’t compensate for them you know? Can’t replace what you had.”

  Slowly, I turned but when I did, Don wasn’t staring at me. His gaze went lower but I didn’t need to look down to know what he stared at.

  Lifting my hand, I touched the cross around my neck. I tucked it away without words. I wouldn’t let him use it for leverage anymore. After grabbing my bag, I shut my locker. I stepped right up to him and lifted it, touching it against his chest. “Take some time, Don,” I said. “I think you need to get your mind back before you talk to me again.”

  Pushing past him, I left. He may have helped me, may have gotten me through some shit, but that no way in hell allowed him to say what he had. I hoped he knew that because I wouldn’t warn him again.

  I stopped by the grocery store after I left the precinct, wanting to distract myself from what happened with Don. I respected the hell out of that man, but it seemed like more and more he made me question why. His ignorance went without question. I’d known that for a while but I put up with it. I had because of everything we’d been through together. More specifically, everything he’d done for me. He’d been there while I was at the end of a bottle, completely inebriated after… after…

  I nearly lost my job things had gotten so bad, hung over at work, sick and depressed, and it was he who talked me down, got me to go to that first AA meeting that got me back on track. I found Caroline there going through the same struggle. She hid her disease well. At the precinct, I hadn’t even known about it. We got better together, but none of that would have been possible without that initial first step, Don, my partner.

  But how much could I owe him if that meant I’d be giving away a piece of myself, my dignity and all I believed in while I looked the other way at his crap? The things he said on the day-to-day, the things he’d done both on the job and off? Things like the Lopez case. To that question, I didn’t know the answer.

  Lost, I wandered around the grocery store. I filled my cart with things I needed, toothpaste, shaving cream, but then they became things I didn’t need—juice boxes, cereal that was easily chewable, and those little containers of applesauce kids liked. I also got candy bars, freaking candy bars, and when I grabbed a single rose out of the floral aisle I read the writing on the wall about where I wanted to be tonight. Rerouting, I put back the frozen dinners I got for myself tonight and grabbed chicken, veggies, and pasta to make my moms’ famous casserole, at least famous to me, as I loved it so much. Maybe Aubrey and Gabby would too. I also got some of those Gerber Graduate things for Rissa, too, in case Aubrey wanted her to eat something different.

  My arms were lined with bags when I got back to the apartment. I hit the stairwell and coming up on the fourth floor I bumped into someone. The guy was hooded and I couldn’t see his face at first.

  “Sorry, man,” I said holding him steady by the shoulder. He just about fell over he ran into me so hard.

  “Ah, yeah. Sorry, sorry—”

  When the kid looked up his eyes flashed, and something I also noticed?

  His pupils were extremely dilated.

  He lowered his head and tucked something he had in his hoodie pocket. Before I could question him, he pushed past me, mumbling, “Sorry, officer,” before he left the building.

  With a sigh, I turned to go up the stairwell to my floor, but decided to stop. Since both Gabby and Aubrey were on this floor I might as well ask the pair now about dinner. Deciding to stop by Gabby’s first, I headed that way.

  I knocked when I got to the door, groceries still in hand, and to my surprise, Gabby didn’t open, but a woman, not yet middle age but older than thirty. Despite that, she aged herself tremendously, bags under eyes and face worn and weathered. The signs were there that she had experience with drugs, though she may not be using now there were years there in her eyes, her face. I could tell right away she knew who I was, and I wasn’t surprised. Though I hadn’t seen her before, she’d definitely seen me around.

  I smiled at her, keeping things casual. “Ma’am.”

  “Officer.” She closed her robe, pushing her hands under her arms. “Can I help you with something?”

  “I was actually looking for Gabby,” I asked kind of looking behind her.

  She inched the door closed and cut off my view. “Why? What did she do? I ain’t got money to bail her out or nothing.”

  “Oh, no, ma’am,” I paused. Raising my bags, I showed them to her. “I’m making dinner for her friend across the hall. Aubrey? Gabby’s always around and I wondered if she wanted to join us.”

  “Hmm. Well, she ain’t here. She out with some friends.”

  I thought about that, sighing. Hopefully she was keeping out of trouble. The woman about closed the door in my silence and I raised my hand. “Um, are you her mom? Could you tell her that I came around? There’ll be plenty for her.”

  Sniffing, this woman gazed me up and down, a harshness behind her eyes that I knew most people reserved for law enforcement like me. “Yeah, I’m her mama. I’ll tell her.”

  I doubted she would, but I couldn’t do anything about that. She wasn’t here. Taking my bags, I went to Aubrey’s. She opened the door after the second knock and the look on her face made my stomach do crazy things, like a teen having his first crush on a girl. Though, I knew this was more than a crush. So much more.

  “Adam.” She hugged me, one-armed like it was the most natural thing. Like I was coming home to her. Stepping back, she eyed my bags. “What you got there?”

  I raised them. “Dinner? I hoped,” I said chuckling lightly. “I got things to make a casserole. Enough for you and Gabby. I also brought some things for Rissa too if she can’t eat it.”

  Putting her hand to her mouth, she chewed on the edge of her thumbnail a bit, almost like she was trying to hide a smile. Noticing she was doing that, she pushed her hand behind her neck and into her curly hair. She waved me in. She tried to take some of my bags, but I told her I was fine, bringing them into her kitchen while she led the way.

  “I can go get Gabby,” she said. I watched her as she went to grab a hoodie off her kitchen counter. She wore only a small tank top and probably wanted to cover herself before going, but I saved her from that as I said I’d stopped by there already.

  “Oh?” she questioned.

  I nodded putting out the chicken and fresh veggies on the counter from the bag. “Yeah. I met her mom. She said she wasn’t there. Out with friends.”

  “How was she? Her mom?”

  I paused on the thought. I didn’t want to tell her the truth. Her mom definitely had some issues. That was one thing I was certain of. Balling up the sack, I tossed it in Aubrey’s garbage, then turned, leaning back on the counter. “I think to be expected. I can see why she’s never around. Gabby.”

  Nodding, she chewed her lip.

  “I’ll keep a lookout. Make sure she comes home okay tonight.”

  “Thanks. I’ll sleep better knowing that.”

  I pushed off the counter. “Do you have a casserole dish? Nine by eleven should be a good size.”

  She squatted, opening a bottom cabinet and I turned, arranging the things I bought on the counter with a smile. I was very obviously checking her out for longer than I should have, her thin shorts well above her knees. The glass dish touched the counter beside me when she placed it.

  “It’s just going to be you and me then,” she said. “Hey, what setting do you need the oven?”

  “Four hundred and fifty degrees, and why?”

  She came over. “Rissa is staying over at my aunt’s. One of my cousin’s kids is having a birthday party. A sleepover and they’re having it over there. Rissa was invited. Can I help with anythi
ng?”

  I wanted to do all this for her, but cooking together would be better, being together. I set out a squash for her to cut and she got a cutting board and knife. While she did that I boiled pasta, cooking the raw chicken right after. Just because I was letting her help didn’t mean I’d make her do much. She watched me with fascination after she cut her single squash, shaking her head while I sautéed. “You’re doing all the work,” she laughed.

  “I like doing all the work.” And I did.

  That made her smile. “Well, I’ll make a fruit salad then with some stuff I got. I’ll feel like I contributed.”

  Something told me I couldn’t argue with her even if I wanted to. I let her and she started cutting fruit. I thought about something she said during our silence of working and couldn’t help asking her about it. “You said your cousin invited Rissa. Is there a reason why she wouldn’t be? Invited that is.”

  At first, I didn’t think the question was prying but when her silence continued I suddenly felt it was. She sighed, chopping an apple. “Rissa doesn’t really get invited to things.”

  Frowning, I turned my head, lifting my hand from the cooked chicken I just placed into the dish. I didn’t understand that. It wasn’t like she got into trouble or anything. She was only a baby. But then Aubrey continued.

  “My family has dissociated themselves from me. Rissa is our link. They see her they see me, which is why she rarely gets asked.”

  “Why?”

  “My mom,” she said dropping some apple into a large bowl. “She’s basically a crack prostitute. Still is I can imagine. I haven’t seen her in a few years. She only comes around when she wants something. Basically bled my grandparents dry. They raised me, not her. My family associates me with her I guess, and I also think they’re resentful. My grandparents were always there for me before they died. Old age. They took care of me and anything I needed.” She shrugged. “It is what it is.”

  Dropping in a few more bits of cooked chicken, I shook my head. “That’s not right. Not fair.”