Gunner (Devil's Tears MC Book 1)

by Daniela Jackson

  “I have no problems,” I bark and shoot a snap of lightning towards Jack with my glance.

  Jack sends me a grin and I raise my forefinger in a threatening gesture.

  “It’s disgusting, you know,” I say. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe we should grab happiness when it happens. Maybe... I fucking don’t know.” Pain claws my heart. My lungs constrict. “I will never see you again, right?”

  “Right,” Jack says in a matter-of-fact tone.

  I feel like I’m dying in agony. It stabs me, burns me like a real fire, and strangles my throat like a rope. Devastation cascades down my neck to my chest, changing me forever. My soul stiffens, crumbles into pieces, incinerates. Rises from the ashes.

  Suddenly, I’m detached, my mind sharp, as I compose myself. I’ve seen so much of shit in life. Really bad shit so I’ve mastered the ability to compose myself.

  It’s useful now. It was useful when I was a kid.

  Like when my father hit my mother and broke her arm. She hit him back so he broke her nose. I was a frightened little girl then suddenly everything turned icy cold inside me and I knew I had to stay away from them otherwise, my father would break my arm. I knew he could do that. He’d broken my fingers twice and thrown me at the wall once.

  I ran to Ruby’s bedroom and locked the door. My sister curled into me, sobbing and I made a promise to myself. The promise that I’d keep her safe. Always.

  “What is another woman?” Ruby squeaked.

  She was only ten years old, frightened like a fawn surrounded by a pack of wolves.

  “Don’t think about it.” I didn’t know what my mother had meant, yelling that accusation towards my father.

  All I knew was that my parents didn’t love each other.

  The older I grew though the more aware I became of my father’s weakness for young beautiful women.

  On that night when everything changed for Ruby and me forever, Jack took us out of that shit and gave us hope. He’s been looking for us as our relative would. He loves us in his crude way.

  But, I never expected he’d fall for Ruby in the romantic way. Well, they fucked like animals. It was primal not romantic, to be precise.

  Embarrassment floods me like a wave of lava at the memory of their bodies clenched tight, slapping against one another, then jealousy jabs me like a thorn.

  I want stability too. I want normality. I want to wake up beside my beloved husband every morning.

  Now that Jack and Ruby don’t have to hide their feelings from me I can see their love.

  It’s not right. It’s very wrong.

  No—

  I wouldn’t be right if they were ordinary people.

  But they aren’t ordinary. In their case, it’s good. Unexpected but at the same time wonderful. Jack desires Ruby despite her disability. I know he will love her, protect her and make her happy.

  He will look after her better than me. That thought pisses me off. I allow myself to be angry because if I allow myself to be sad I won’t let them leave me. I have to free them. This is Ruby’s chance for happiness. She needs a man by her side not a sister.

  “It will be safer for you,” Ruby says as tears roll down her cheeks. “We want to be together and that’s the only way.”

  “I know,” I rasp.

  My eyes roam over Jack’s face, the furrows on his face giving him a harsh appearance. The furrows Ruby and I have learnt to love.

  A memory flashes through my head.

  Jack’s soothing voice, “It will be alright, kiddo. You’re safe now. I’m here for you.”

  Another memory from a few months later courses through my head.

  I’m sitting in the driver’s seat of Jack’s car. The gears screech under my hand.

  “Fucking hell,” Jack says. “You’re going to kill my Alonso.”

  I burst into laughter and nudge his chest with my elbow. “Who on Earth names their car?”

  “Hush,” Jack says. “Alonso may feel offended.”

  Ruby leans towards us from the back seat, kissing my cheek then Jack’s. “My sister is the worst driver of the world.”

  “Ruby,” I explode.

  “We will teach her, Ruby,” Jack says. “We will teach her to be the best driver of the world.”

  Jack has no family, except Ruby and me. He’s been married twice and both his marriages ended in divorce.

  “It’s fucked up,” I say.

  “No more than it was fucked up previously,” Ruby says. “We’d have ended up as—“

  “I know,” I say.

  “That horrible night was a salvation.” Ruby raises her hands, holding her lips tightly together.

  “Well,” I say and huff. “You don’t choose your family, do you?”

  My father was a greedy man and my mother was too scared to protect Ruby and me from the shit seeping into our life.

  I want Ruby to be happy. Her safety and happiness have always been on top list of my priorities.

  “Okay,” I say. “But promise me you’ll have a boring happy life.”

  “I promise,” Ruby says.

  There is an eerie silence for a moment. It layers us like a duvet of sparkling crispy snow.

  “Your dick is really impressive, Jack,” I say.

  “What do you know about dicks?” Ruby says with sarcasm.

  “Well,” I start and my face starts burning.

  Jack rises from his chair in one graceful motion. “I will cook something.”

  “Lasagne?” Ruby pleads like a child.

  “Lasagne,” Jack says. “For my pretty girl.”

  Ruby squeals with excitement and the celebration starts. It’s always like this when Jack is cooking. Ruby’s favourite music plays in the background as we bustle around the kitchen and follow his orders.

  My mother never cooked.

  My family had a maid and a cook to do all the chores.

  Ruby and I attended a private catholic school.

  We had fear instead of joy, coldness instead of warmth, and hatred instead of love.

  After the meal, we sit in the sofa and watch TV, Ruby and me at either side of Jack’s chest. He starts snoring and my sister pats his nose with her fingers. Jack opens his eyes, pulls her to him and kisses her forehead. I pray in my mind for them so they’ll have a safe life together.

  They pack their clothes into two small bags and leave the house two days later.

  I’m on my own.

  Well, the little secret in my womb is with me.

  I didn’t tell them because Ruby wouldn’t have left me.

  I will be fine. My baby makes me feel strong like never before. I trust Jack that he’ll take care of Ruby the best he can. I can focus on my own life. I can be selfish. Oh yes, I’m very selfish.

  I enjoy being the mum of my unborn baby more and more. Selfishly. I have a part of Seafra inside of my womb. I love it selfishly. The baby is my new life, all my goals, my universe. My joy and my future.

  Chapter 11

  Seafra

  Charlie raises his glass and takes a sip of dark ale. “So, talk to me.” His blue eyes flicker with curiosity.

  I take out my phone and show him a screen shot. A cold breeze brushes against my cheek. A couple with two kids pass us, separated from us by the low metal fence that encircles the pub.

  “Really pretty,” Charlie says. “Is it something serious?”

  “Very serious,” I say. “I fucking love her, Charlie.”

  “Really?” He raises his bushy eyebrows at me. “You love her or love fucking her?”

  “Both.”

  Charlie chuckles and threads his fingers through his short brown hair. “What’s the problem then?”

  “The last time I saw her two months ago she was using a fake name—“

  “Wait a minute.” Charlie’s face wrinkles and he looks at me sternly.

  “Let me finish, man.” I prop my elbows onto the table. “I met her when I had a concert in Rosrick and she introduced herself as Eavan. Then she disappe
ared. I saw her again in this village and she used the name Julia. Julia Ayers.”

  “Leave it,” Charlie says firmly.

  “No.”

  “Are you fucking insane? It smells of shit.”

  “The boys said the same, but she... Charlie, she’s the one I’m telling you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t fuck. I want only her.”

  “Focus on your career and forget about her.”

  “I have no career. I have just retired.”

  “You the fuck what?” Charlie grabs his head in both his hands.

  “You heard me. ‘Red Asylum’ has a new vocal. A female vocal. She’s really good. And I’m Connor Mulloy again.” I toss my hair back. “Help me, Charlie. Help me to find the love of my life.”

  “It’s fucking insane.” He huffs, takes two sips of his drink and slams the glass on the table. “Maybe she doesn’t want you. I know that all the chicks you meet throw themselves at you, but maybe this one is not interested. Make peace with that.”

  “Charlie, she may be pregnant with me.”

  Charlie raises his hand as though he wants to smack the back of my head. “Are you five, Connor? I raised you. I fucking taught what to do with girls. I fucking taught you to—“

  “I don’t mind being a father, Charlie. I mean with her by my side I can be a father, have a family and all that stuff.”

  “That’s fucking insane.”

  “I’m an orphan, Charlie. If she’s pregnant with me I want the baby to have a family. To have two parents, do you understand? I’ve never had that. I don’t even remember my parents. I don’t want another kid to live like this, without roots, without a normal childhood.”

  Charlie huffs again. “Okay. Get it.” He nods at me several times. “I will try to find her but there are rules, Connor. I’m the boss here. Understood?”

  “You’re the boss. As always.”

  “Okay. Send those shots of her to my phone.”

  “Do you need money? I have savings in my bank account.”

  “We’ll talk about it later.”

  We finish our beer and go to get some take away and eat it, sitting on the beach.

  “How are the boys?” Charlie asks.

  “Coyote is fine, but Hale’s life is a slippery slope.”

  “It’s like with our parents. We couldn’t fix them no matter how hard we tried.”

  “Hale doesn’t want to listen to us at all. He thinks he has everything under control.”

  Charlie sighs as though he’s exhausted. “That’s the whole problem.”

  We stop talking and stare at the glassy blackness of the sea. Then I guide him to my place. He sleeps in my bed and I sleep on the floor.

  The next morning, Charlie goes to Rosrick and I buy a map of the area as he advised me and start searching for Eavan according to his tips. He’s the professional here, after all.

  My life is about a routine.

  I wake up, have a shower, and grab something to eat then jump into my car and look for Eavan but it seems like she’s vanished.

  Charlie calls me every evening, but he’s not very optimistic.

  Tonight, I’m sitting at the table outside of the pub near the flat I’m renting. The smell of seaweed invades my nostrils and fills me with a sense of nostalgia. The pyramid white heater swishes on my left, sheltering me with pleasant warmth from the chill of the night.

  A slim figure drops onto the bench at the opposite edge of the table.

  “Hello, handsome,” a female voice says.

  I raise my head and recognise Alice. Anger wells up in my chest. “What are you doing here?”

  “I thought you might need company.”

  “You were wrong.”

  “What are you doing, Seafra?”

  “I’m enjoying my solitude.”

  “Come on, let’s have some fun together. You look like you need some fun.”

  “I don’t need more fun. I’m having a lot of fun on my own.”

  “Hale and Coyote are concerned about you.”

  I roll my fingers into fists. “Did they send you?”

  Her chin trembles. “No, I thought—“

  “You were wrong, Alice.”

  “I can make you feel good, you know that. Just tell me what you need.” She rises to her feet, arcs the table and sits beside me.

  The smell of her perfume engulfs me, jasmine and mandarin with the notes of spice.

  “Just tell me what you need,” she repeats in a low voice. “My mouth? My ass?”

  Heat rushes to my dick as she kisses my cheek.

  “I’ll be on all fours and you’ll fuck me in the ass,” she says. “Interested?” Her hand travels to the bulge in my trousers. “Tell me, baby. Interested?” She strokes my hard on through the fabric of my jeans. “You’re interested. Good. Let’s go to your place.”

  I haven’t had any woman after Eavan, and Alice has just reminded me that my dick needs a warm hole to fuck. She always knows how to make me feel good.

  “We can find another pussy to entertain us,” Alice says. “What do you think? I will fuck a pussy with my mouth and you will fuck my ass.” She strokes my hard dick harder then slides her fingers under my pants.

  Fuck. I need sex. The last five years of my life have been about singing and sex. The singing is my air, food, and addiction; the sex is my release and forgetfulness, my way to get rid of adrenaline. It’s always been easy and pleasant, but I’ve never associated it with any meaning. Alice is easy and available. She’s always been fun. Nothing more.

  Her skilled fingers make me feel good. Heat rolls over my lower body, my toes curling. Then coldness fills my veins at the memory of Tony’s words. I grab Alice’s wrist and take her hand off me. I don’t want to come for Alice. I want to come only for Eavan. Or I can jerk off.

  My phone vibrates in the back pocket of my jeans. I take it out and read a message from an unknown number.

  I miss you so much that it’s killing me. Forgive me.

  My heart jumps up into my throat and I pull myself up, shoving Alice to the side.

  The message is from Eavan. I just fucking know that. Everything crumbles inside me, disintegrates and is rebuilt, creating a new me. Sex has a meaning. Sex means her. Every touch has a meaning. Every touch means her. Eavan is my air, my food, my addiction. My release, my forgetfulness. My pain. But I prefer to feel pain than give up on her.

  I stagger among the tables as Alice catches up with me.

  “Seafra.” Her hand grabs my wrist.

  “Fuck off, Alice. We’re through.”

  “What the fuck is wrong with all of you,” she hisses. “You... Coyote... That’s like a fucking kindergarten.”

  She has my attention. “What about Coyote?”

  “He’s just burbling and burbling about that girl without legs, you know. All the time. She has no legs, you know. Even thinking about Coyote and her in an intimate situation is kind of disgusting.”

  I hook the back of her neck with my hand and squeeze it, forcing a groan from her mouth. “Fuck off, Alice. And never ever insult Ruby again.” I shove her forward. “Get out of my face.”

  She shows me her middle finger. “Sick fuck.”

  “Get out.”

  She shakes her head and walks off.

  I call Coyote. He answers in a sleepy voice.

  “Are you still alive?” Coyote asks.

  “It seems like I am. How are you?”

  “Fine. You?”

  “Could be better. I have just had a chat with Alice.”

  “She’s hopeless.”

  “Ruby wasn’t hopeless, huh?”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Ruby was pretty and adorable, huh?”

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  “I will find them, Coyote.”

  “I haven’t decided yet whether I want to be a decent guy or not. I like to be free, you know. That chick would mean no freedom any longer.”

  “But you like Ruby, huh?”

  “I like
her very much. I may even like her more than my freedom. I haven’t decided yet. Let me know when you find them and take care, man.”

  “Take care.”

  I disconnect and return to my flat. There is no woman in my bed so I decide to have fun with my own hand. It’s not bad. Stroking my cock, I think about Eavan. I’d have her on all fours, naked and she’d moan my name. I’d fuck her slowly from behind, pinching her nipples. She’d push her ass against my groin, demanding harder and faster. I’d fuck her harder.

  I come almost at once. Then I roll in bed the whole night.

  Two weeks later, I meet up with Charlie in the pub. His face is greyish, cheeks sunken, and something violent blazes in his eyes.

  “So,” I start. “Any news?”

  “You’re going to fucking forget about that bitch forever, do you understand, Connor?”

  “Mind your words, Charlie.”

  “No, listen to me, boy.” He looks really pissed off or scared, I can’t tell. Putting his elbows on the table, he leans towards me. “Leave it.”

  “No.”

  “You’ll fucking leave it right now, do you understand?”

  “No. I’m not leaving it.”

  He shakes his head and slams his fist on the table as his jaw muscles twitch. “Two phrases ‘mafia’ and ‘the witness protection program’. Leave it or you’ll kill her. Or yourself. Or both of you. Do you understand? I’m not digging deeper, for fuck’s sake. It’s fucking dangerous.”

  My mind goes blank for a moment then something heavy sits on my chest and my heart hammers in my chest. “What does that all mean, Charlie?”

  “You can expose her, Connor, kill her, man. Forget about her.”

  “Do you know where she is?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Find her.”

  “No, Connor. Forget about her for your own good.”

  “Find her. She’s been sending messages to me, each time from a different phone number. Find her, Charlie. She wants to be found.”

  Chapter 12

  Eavan

  I send him a text every day. Typing a few words for him takes me to another realm. It feels as though I’m with him again.

  It’s rainy.

  I miss you.

  I’m so lonely.

  The sun is beautiful.

  I’m hungry. You?

  Stupid words, but so powerful at the same time, bringing him to me for a brief moment even though he’s far away from me.