quintessence.

by Buhl, Sarah

  “We will live, no matter what they say. That’s all we can focus on, is living. All of us know what the end result will be no matter what diagnosis we have or if we even have one. We are just lucky enough to know now and that’s both a burden and a blessing. It’s a burden carrying around this knowledge of what it feels like to be unsure of your future. But, it’s also a blessing, too. It’s like you see the world different. It’s more beautiful. The little things of life stick with you longer. Every moment becomes valuable.”

  “Well then since you put it that way.” She put her hand on my face and pulled me toward her for a kiss. “I love your beard, by the way. I love your eyes too. When I look in them, I kind of get the same feeling I do when I dance. It is elation and freedom walking hand in hand. You’re awesome Karl Samson.”

  Pieces pulled together now in such a manner that there was no separation between us. It didn’t matter how long we had been together. “Time doesn’t exist with love like this,” I said, running my finger across her ear.

  “That’s one of the most perfect sentences I’ve ever heard,” she said with a smile. “No, it is the most perfect one. I don’t know how anyone could ever top it.”

  “That just means I will have to keep working at providing you with more perfect sentences then,” I said with a laugh.

  “That you are.” She winked at me before turning to climb out of the car.

  We walked into the building hand in hand. With each step we took, I knew there was no way to sever the tie between us. I thought back to the first vision I fought with over my relationship with her. I stopped her mid step and had her face me. “When I first met you, I remembered these little pockets my grandma used to make. She would sew them together and then put gifts in them for people. It was silly, but I sometimes wonder if my boxes came from it. She called them the gift givers. She said that whatever she wanted for someone that year or during that time, she would put into one for them. It wasn’t a purchased gift, most of the time it was just a word. A single word she thought someone would learn more about themselves from claiming. I received determination and forgiveness when I was younger. Then, one of the last ones she gave me was her word. She said it was the word she heard once and clung to. It was quintessence. I had never heard the word before and wondered what she got from it.” Margaret kept her brow trained tightly as she listened to my every word.

  “She told me quintessence meantthe essence of a thing in its purest and most concentrated form. She said that’s what she strived for in life—her purest and most concentrated version of herself. When I met you, I thought of those gift givers. It was like the way I felt around you was one of those being sewn together. The more I got to know you, the tighter the thread pulled. Then, that word is what I have watched you discover in yourself. Your purity and vitality are intoxicating. You’ve reminded me that no matter what happens, we can’t give up.”

  “Well. That was amazing,” she said with a sigh, trying to hold her lip in and not to get emotional.

  “Was it a whole slew of perfect sentences for you?” I asked with a smile, wanting to bring a smile to her face in turn.

  “Yes, yes it was, Karl.” She put one hand in the pocket of her sweater and the other through my arm.

  __________

  “It’s as we believed it was, Margaret. It is multiple sclerosis.” The doctor spoke with a sentimental tone, leaning onto his knees and toward her. “How have your symptoms been?”

  “Well, since the first time I was in here, they’ve become better. I’ve not had the issues I did earlier this year. My leg is still bothering me though. The limp comes and goes. I get tightness in the middle of the night on occasion.” I watched the inconsequential way she spoke. She was distancing her emotions from the conversation— not as if she didn’t see the seriousness of the situation—and using her determination to move forward. She distanced herself from the disease to focus on growing from it. It was an obstacle for her that she wouldn’t just jump over—she’d kick it down. I smiled as I envisioned her knocking it down and stomping it with her heel before she brushed off her hands and continued on her way. Yes, that’s how Margaret would handle this.

  “Okay, we can show you some things you can do to help with that. If it gets too bad we can give you some muscle relaxers or send you to physical therapy,” He said.

  “I’d prefer the physical therapy. I don’t want to go the medication route just yet,” Margaret said.

  “Okay, I will make note of that. You should know that there is no cure for M.S., but there is a variety of medicines you can try to slow the progress.”

  “Okay, I will make note of that.” Margaret smiled and gave the doctor a wink.

  “How about you, son? Do you have some questions for me?”

  “Me?” I asked.

  “Well, yes. You have been here with her at appointments. I wondered if there was something you had thought of that she and I haven’t covered yet.”

  I looked to Margaret with a smile. “I don’t, sir.”

  “Eda will be in to go over your physical therapy appointment.”

  The doctor shook both our hands then exited the room. A few minutes later, the nurse named Eda entered. She took her seat across from us and gave a tender smile to Margaret.

  “I rarely say this, because it isn’t my place, but I can see strength in you. Sometimes, people get a diagnosis and they give up. They let the diagnosis define them and consume them. I don’t see that with you. You’re resilient. You are bouncing back already.”

  “Thank you, that means a lot,” Margaret said, looking with shyness at me.

  “You are most welcome, Margaret. Now, let’s get you scheduled for some physical therapy to help you out with your muscle spasms.”

  __________

  We ate a late lunch and then headed back to Jackson’s hospital room. I didn’t want to go back just yet, but Margaret insisted on spending time there for Sabrina.

  When we entered the room, I saw that Sabrina looked more tired than she did earlier. “Where’s Isabelle?” I asked, taking the seat next to Sabrina and Margaret sat in the lounge chair on the other side of Jackson’s bed.

  “She went home. She said she couldn’t watch him anymore.”

  I put my arm around Sabrina. She buried her face into my arm and she began to cry. “He woke up earlier. He smiled and then went right back to sleep. It made me so happy. I’ve never cried this much from happiness before. With the accident before, he was conscious, and it made it bearable to see his injuries. He even called me from the hospital—do you remember that?” I nodded. “Well, I was so freakin’ afraid that he had officially left me now, that there was no hope for us—that he would be gone. But talking to him earlier broke me.’

  I looked across his bed to Margaret and felt a tug at my chest. She needed to know what that box she found meant. But, I didn’t know if I was ready to tell her.

  I glanced at Jackson and jumped at the sight of him. He smiled at me and laughed. “Hi, Karl.”

  Sabrina jumped from her seat and wrapped herself around him. “God, I love you.”

  Margaret laughed and Jackson looked toward her. “Hey Maggie, nice to see you again,” he said.

  “You too, Jackson. I like your hat,” she said with a smile.

  He raised his hand to his head and felt the bandage. “Yeah, they told me earlier I hit it bad, but no concussion. They couldn’t figure out why I was in a coma for so many hours though. Maybe I just needed some sleep?” He laughed.

  “Well, you scared the shit out of all of us. Next time you go out, make sure you bring someone with you. It took an hour to find you, and when I found you—I never want to experience anything like that again,” Sabrina said.

  “You won’t,” he said as he kissed her head and pulled her toward him. “You won’t. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to do it—to prove to myself that I could. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else and I’m sorry.”

  “I forgive you,” she said, kissing his chin
.

  He let go of her and put a hand toward me. I took hold of it and he pulled me in for a hug. “How’re you doing, Karl? You feeling okay? I don’t like being the center of attention, so I will divert it all onto you? Has the one guy come back yet so you can have your surgery?”

  Shit.

  I looked to Margaret who had a questioning expression on her face. “Uh, Jackson, let’s talk about that later. You need to get some rest man,” I said.

  “I’ve been resting. This is nothing. I will go home tomorrow, I’m sure. But you, I want to hear about you and Maggie and I want to hear about the good news you found out last week.”

  “Good news?” Margaret asked.

  Jackson looked toward her and I looked down.

  “Yeah, Karl found a match. No more worrying about what will happen with him. He’s got a kidney on the way.”

  “Kidney on the way?” she asked, looking at me.

  “Yes, I didn’t tell you the whole story earlier. After the accident, I lost a kidney and the other one has had issues from an infection after the accident. I’m still functioning, I’m still fine—so it’s not an urgent thing. But, I have to have a transplant at some point. They say the sooner the better though. Since it’s not urgent I wasn’t on a list. But, I could get one from someone who would donate.”

  She turned her head in question and I saw the pain from my keeping it from her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “It wasn’t urgent—and I didn’t want to tell you who the donor will be before I told him.”

  “Who?” she asked as she stepped toward me and took Sabrina’s vacant seat.

  “It’s Toby. He was the first to suggest getting tested, so it was ironic that he was the one match,” I said.

  43

  Margaret

  Fall

  “Toby? How could you both keep that from me?” I asked, feeling the anger form inside me. “I mean, why would you keep that from me?”

  He put one hand on my shoulder and the other on my face, turning me to meet his eyes. “I didn’t tell you because I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t want it to be about me. You’ve given so much to those around you and I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t want you to feel like you needed to do something for me.”

  “You’ve made a hypocrite of yourself. You speak of truth and of understanding and whatever the fuck other thing you feel the need to voice in your messiah-like way, and then you keep this from me? I’m angry, but the anger comes because you’re breaking my heart.” I felt the tears fill, and I looked at Sabrina and Jackson who watched me, both looking regretful. I wanted to run from the room, but I couldn’t.

  Karl pulled me into a hug and I wanted to fight him. I wanted to scream at him for keeping it from me, but everything made sense. The comment Toby had made, the box, god the freaking box. I couldn’t be mad at him. I understood.

  “That’s why you made that comment earlier about me keeping things from Toby? I did it to protect him. I didn’t want him to think about what was going on with me and forget about what he needed to do.”

  “Yep,” he said, and his voice echoed through his chest as I held him. “Margaret, you just found out today that you have a chronic disease. Who in their right mind would want to throw their issues on you when you have that to go through?”

  “I understand, believe me, I do. Never try to protect me again, though.” I leaned back from him and looked into his eyes. “I mean, you can protect me from a bear or an attacker, but don’t protect me from life stuff. I love you Karl, and I want to be there for you where I can. We’re gift givers,” I said with a smartass smile. “We’re functional without each other, but together we’re better. I’m the pocket and you’re the word to claim and learn from. Sometimes, I’m the learning and you’re the pocket.”

  “Okay,” he said, bringing his lips to mine. It was our simple kiss I’d never tire of.

  “So when are we going to call Toby?” I asked.

  He laughed. “We’re not. He will be back soon. I told him the other day when he was here. He knows and he will be back in a few weeks.”

  “So he knew the whole time he was helping me after my spinal tap?” I asked.

  Karl nodded.

  “Damn, he has grown. He didn’t say a word. He almost slipped about something, but I didn’t understand it was this.”

  “He’s different. It’s inspiring to see someone discover what it is they need to do in life. I’ve always said that it’s the most beautiful thing in the world when someone has accepted themselves without the definitions the world has put on them. Toby will do some great things,” he said.

  “Toby is freaking awesome,” Jackson said.

  “Is that the guy who does the DJing?” Sabrina asked.

  “Yeah, he’s the guy whose stuff I played for you the other night.”

  “Toby has music that people are listening to? How could I have missed this? I mean, I knew he was out east playing shows, but I didn’t know it grew to this.”

  “You were going through some heavy stuff, girlfriend. No one holds it against you for forgetting about the rest of the world,” Sabrina said. I laughed.

  “I like you, Sabrina. You sugarcoat nothing. It’s awesome.”

  “Why, thank you,” she said, leaning her head back onto Jackson’s shoulder.

  “You’re okay?” Jackson asked me.

  “Of course I am. I will continue to be okay unless Karl has another thing that will throw me off my game?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Nope, no other secrets from me—except the fact that I don’t think my life will ever be the same having met you. You’ve effectuated emotions in me in such a raw way, I won’t ever be the same and I don’t want to be the same. I wasn’t expecting it.”

  I smiled shyly by his declaration in front of others. “Neither was I. And that was another perfect sentence; the fact you said effectuated in particular made it perfect. I like that.”

  “I have an extensive vocabulary. I can use many words on you, my dear Margaret.”

  “You are something else—something entirely different,” I said and kissed his cheek.

  “Does that mean you’ve forgiven me for not telling you?”

  My chest fell at his expression when he asked. “Of course it does. I forgave you as soon as I heard.”

  __________

  We visited with Sabrina and Jackson for a couple hours. I found a new friend in Sabrina. She was chaotic in her speech and demeanor, but she was someone that didn’t hide from the world. I appreciated her openness.

  “What are you thinking about?” Karl asked as I drove us to my apartment.

  “I’m thinking about Jackson and Sabrina. There isn’t some flighty dream with them. There’s reality in their love.”

  Karl laughed. “You don’t know the half of it. I should tell you their story sometime.”

  “I’d like that.”

  I parked the car in front of my apartment building. Karl took the keys from me and walked beside me up the stairs. “Do you want me to stay?” he asked.

  “Well, since you don’t have a vehicle here, I suppose you’re stuck with me, because I don’t feel like driving anymore today.”

  He laughed. “Stuck is the last word I would associate with being with you.”

  We reached the top of my stairs and I felt like I had just ran a mile, my muscles were shaking so much in my left leg. They trembled as if used to the point of exhaustion. “I pushed myself too much today.”

  “Just have a seat and I will take care of everything.”

  He walked me to my couch and went to the kitchen to start a kettle of water. “Tea is always nice for times like these.”

  “Have you had many times like this?” I asked with a smile.

  “Umm, no, can’t say I have, but I imagine tea is good for these times, regardless of how many of them I’ve had.” He turned back to the kitchen and I enjoyed watching him fumble around in my kitchen.

  “My mom must have been here earlier
,” I said to myself, as I looked through my mail that sat atop my coffee table. One with a return address from the advertising agency caught my interest.

  I opened the letter as Karl came near with my cup of tea.

  Ms. Presley,

  We would like to extend our regrets to you at your departure from our company. We saw immense promise in your work and hoped to have a long and fruitful experience with you in our employment. That said, we would like to extend an offer to you as we have a new opportunity on the horizon that the client has asked for you by name. Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

  Sincerely,

  Mr. James Smithson, CEO

  “Holy shit,” I said and showed the letter to Karl.

  “What are you going to do?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure. I feel cleaner not working there. You know I have this new outlook on life.” I set the letter back on the table and leaned back into the couch.

  “Yes, but that is still part of you. It was something you were passionate about.” He sat next to me and put his arm up on the back of the couch as he turned to me.

  “Am I hearing you right? You were the one that chastised me for working there when I first met you,” I said and smiled at him.

  “Yes, but I didn’t know you then. I made some assumptions, and I didn’t give you the opportunity to show me I was wrong. You love doing this.”

  “I do, but I can’t do the same old crap. I can’t make crap look good anymore. It has to have meaning to it. My life has to have more meaning to it than just selling any old thing to the masses.” I lay my head back onto his arm and looked to the ceiling as he took my hand.

  “Well, you don’t know what this is about. It could be something new and different.” We both looked at our intertwined fingers.

  “We shall see,” I said.

  “So does that mean you will meet with them?” he asked, releasing my hand to lift my feet into his lap. He slipped my shoes off and began to rub the arch of my feet to relax them. I closed my eyes at the soothing circular motion.