Chasing My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “What does it matter?”

  “It matters because we’re onto something good here with Sinful Distraction, and I don’t need some groupie getting knocked up or worse.”

  “She’s not a groupie, Elle. She didn’t even know who I was when she started working here.”

  “Not so, big brother. Don’t you remember what she said last weekend at the beach? She thought she knew your imaginary sister, Sofia. So clearly she ‘knows you.’” Elle uses air quotes to emphasize her words. I hate that she’s like this, skeptical all the time. I know it’s because of the things we’ve dealt with growing up. From the overly aggressive paparazzi to our dad’s psycho manager trying to destroy our lives.

  I go to her and pull her into a hug. “I love you but trust me.”

  “I love you too, but no. You’re thinking with your…” She cocks her eyebrow at me and smirks. “Plus, your heart. You have a really good heart, Quinn, and I don’t want to see it trampled on.”

  “Nola said earlier that you don’t like her. I tried to tell her it’s just your sunny disposition, but maybe she’s right.”

  Elle hops down off the table and starts to pace. She’s dressed like a business manager tonight, which means she’s probably invited some record label executives to come and listen. Honestly, having them here doesn’t make much sense since I perform solo, unless…

  “Did you ask the band to join me tonight?”

  She looks at me sheepishly.

  I throw my hands up in the air. “This is supposed to be my night.”

  “You’re part of something bigger now, Quinn. Embrace it.”

  “It’s not about embracing the band, Elle. I’m in. I show up to rehearsal, don’t I?”

  “So, what’s the issue?”

  “The issue is this is where I can be me. Where I can relax and just play music without any added pressure of whether or not they like the song.”

  Elle stands in front of me. She takes hold of my shirt, pulling on the collar. “When will you see that you’re wasting your talent here? Zeke should be paying you thousands a night for sitting on his stage, and yet you let him get away with giving you a hundred plus tips. You’re freaking Harrison James’s son, and you’re busking for dollars.”

  “Not exactly, I don’t perform on the street corner or in subway stations.”

  She throws her hands up and I laugh. I love goading her. She takes life too seriously sometimes, which I know has a lot to do with Peyton’s accident. In a way, we all changed a little bit after we thought we were going to lose her.

  “Listen.” I turn her around so she’s facing me. “You were right about the band. It’s going to be a good thing, but until it takes off, I’d really like to continue my Friday nights here, by myself.”

  “You can’t, Quinn.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because, I can’t book the band for paying gigs when you’re willing to sit and play for free. Zeke doesn’t have a cover charge and he’s not paying you. Venues know that. And you know word spreads like wildfire here. Sinful Distraction has a real chance at being something big and I don’t want to ruin it because you feel like you owe Zeke something.”

  I’m growing more frustrated by the minute. “Do you remember when I said I didn’t want to be in your band?”

  “Yeah, I remember, but you are, and you know it’s for the best. I wouldn’t ask you, if I didn’t think we were onto something here.”

  I don’t want to agree with her, but I’m really left with no choice. She’s right and I hate that she is. I could leave the group; let them forge out on their own. They’d be okay, but I like being a part of it. Even with my petty differences with Ajay, I feel like we’ve bonded. Leaving them would be foolish, especially over some money that I use for groceries.

  “Fine, tonight will be my last night.”

  She claps her hands. “I’m going to go have a chat with Zeke, but first, Nola.”

  “I’m in love with her,” I blurt out.

  Elle’s face falls, and I hate that she can’t be happy for me. “Protect yourself, Quinn. That’s all I’m asking.” She turns to walk away, but I grab her hand.

  “Please be nice to her.”

  She smiles and nods. “I will, but only because you’re in love with her.”

  I let go of her hand and watch her walk out of the door. I hear her yell for Zeke before the door shuts, leaving me to my thoughts. I look around, this room is a festering shit hole, but it’s been my Friday night home for as long as I can remember, and it won’t be easy to leave.

  It won’t be easy to sit in the crowd while Nola’s working either, but it’s what I’m going to do.

  30

  Eleanora

  I’m in love. It’s stupid, reckless, and the best feeling in the world. And yet, I’m keeping secrets from Quinn. Not only him though, my parents, my brother, everyone who means something to me, I’ve kept in the dark. I’ve lied, and I continue to do so because the truth, in this case, will not set me free, instead, it will damage and destroy relationships. My parents will never forgive me for deceiving them. With Quinn, I can only hope that he’ll consider the fact that I didn’t tell him my real name as nothing more than a slip up after I explain why. However, the bigger secret in my life could be an issue. I never thought I’d be in a place, with this man, where I would regret the first day I met him. I wish I had a fairy Godmother or a magic lamp, so I can redo everything.

  Every moment Quinn and I are together, I seek out the perfect opportunity to come clean, to blurt out that my name is Eleanora Boone and up until a few weeks ago, I was somewhat engaged to another man, who has gotten another woman pregnant but doesn’t seem to care. That I’m supposed to be traveling across the US with my friend Sofia but lied to my parents and came to California where I unsuspectingly fell in love.

  It all sounds great in my head and I can see myself sitting there, talking to him, and him understanding about needing to find myself. Yet, the words never come out because I’d rather make him happy, I’d rather sit next to him and feel his embrace, to kiss and make love to him. Walking through the park, holding hands is better than finding words that could mean nothing in the end.

  Every day I find some way to justify what I’m doing, and each night, I lay awake with him sleeping beside me, counting the mistakes I’m making, hoping and praying that I think they’re bigger than they actually are when it comes to Quinn.

  I pace my room with my phone in my hand contemplating what I’m going to say to Rhett. He’s due to arrive tomorrow to take me home, and I’m not going. For days I’ve ignored him and have only spoken to my parents via text message. My mom’s worried that I’m going to miss her party, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I will unless I can convince Quinn to fly to South Carolina to meet my folks, which I know isn’t going to happen. He’s busy with the band and there’s no way his sister is going to let him miss rehearsal. My fear is that if I go home, they won’t let me leave. Having a long-distance relationship with Quinn doesn’t seem realistic. He’s too busy and the time difference will make it near impossible.

  My suitcase mocks me each time I walk by. Over a week ago, Quinn asked me to move in. I told him yes but haven’t told Kellie about my change of plans. In fact, since Quinn and I took our relationship to the next level, I haven’t really seen her. I’m such a horrible person, ditching my friend because I have a boyfriend.

  My phone rings, startling me. Zeke’s name shows on the display. “Hello?” I stammer, trying to calm my hastily beating heart. My nerves are frayed and if I don’t fix my mistakes, I’m going to end up with a full-blown anxiety attack.

  “Can you come in tonight?”

  “Yeah, sure. Same time?”

  “That works.” He hangs up with no fanfare, not that any is needed but the occasional goodbye or see ya later would be nice every now and again.

  Instead of texting Quinn, I call him. It’s the sound of his voice that I love hearing. Not only when he’s talking but
singing as well. I could sit for hours and just listen to him.

  “Hey, babe.” My heart picks up speed again, but this time it’s for the better.

  “Hey, I’m not bothering you, am I?”

  “No, we just took a break for some lunch. What’s up?”

  “Zeke asked me to work tonight, so I didn’t know if you wanted to come in for dinner. If you’re busy, we can meet up later.”

  Quinn laughs. I imagine he’s smiling that cute crooked smile that he has, and his hand is adjusting his beanie. He does that when he’s thinking, or he’s been put on the spot. I love that he’s shy and bashful until we’re sitting in his living room where he can be himself.

  “I’ll be there.”

  “You don’t have to if you’re busy.”

  He clears his throat. “Nola, I’m never going to be too busy for you. I can work on some lyrics or just watch you walk around all night. I’m not going to sit home and wait for you to get off from work.”

  My heart melts a little and tears start to form as my throat becomes tight. I do not deserve this man. It must be tonight when I tell him. No more secrets between us. He needs to know everything.

  “I’m going to drive to work, so I’ll see you later.”

  “Oh fun, we get to ride in the Bug!”

  We both laugh. “When I get off, we’ll put the top down and go for a drive.”

  “I’m looking forward to it. I gotta run. I’ll see you tonight. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” my words come out in a whisper as he hangs up. I really don’t deserve him or any of the happiness he’s given me.

  As I stand in the mirror, looking at myself, I’m disgusted. The person who stares back is not the person that I am. The one in the reflection is a sham, a liar and someone who has lived with deceit. I wasn’t raised this way, and why I let myself become that person is beyond me.

  Tonight, I change it all. My heart be damned.

  The Bean Song is slammed, which for mid-week is unheard of. I know the exact moment when Quinn walks in. His name is yelled by many of the patrons and Zeke goes up to him, pulling him into a hug. Last Friday night was Quinn’s last open mic night, at least for a while. He explained it, saying it’s hard to get paying gigs when he’s willing to work for free, but that once the band was off and running, he’d be back because he owed it to Zeke. I didn’t ask him to elaborate on the owing part because I figured Zeke did the same for Quinn as he did for me, gave us both a shot when we needed a job. Although Quinn doesn’t need to work, he just does it for fun.

  Quinn walks by, kissing me on the cheek as he does. The table of women that I’m serving, giggle and tell me how lucky I am to have such a good-looking boyfriend. They have no idea how deep his beauty runs. When he’s home, he’s different, less reserved, and free to be himself. It’s truly a blessing.

  “Good evening,” I say to him when I approach his table. “Do you know what you want to drink?”

  “The Summer ale.” It’s his normal, go-to, beer, but I still ask him.

  “And to eat?” I didn’t bother to bring him a menu because he has it memorized. He looks at me, cracks a smile and leans forward.

  “You,” he whispers in my ear. Without a doubt, I know I’m blushing. My cheeks feel like they’re on fire and my heart is racing. All things that I’d appreciate if I weren’t working. I push him gently and shake my head.

  “You’re incorrigible.”

  “So, you’ve said. I’ll take the club though, my usual.”

  I desperately want to give him a kiss, but it would be unprofessional, so I smile and head back to the kitchen with my order.

  “Do you think you could beg Quinn to come back for Friday night?” Zeke asks while I’m putting my orders in. I shake my head.

  “Sorry, but it’s a decision he had to make for his band.”

  “Have you heard the band?”

  “I have, they’re really good.” Earlier in the week Quinn and I went to Keane’s house for a small get together. Sinful Distraction’s first single played on the radio and because Keane is a single dad, he asked everyone to come over because he didn’t want to leave his daughter with a sitter. I guess when bands are together, they like to play, and decided to have a little jam session. I happily sat there and listened, taking it all in. My man is right where he needs to be.

  “His absence is going to hurt my bottom line. I’ve depended on him for a long time.”

  “I’m sorry, Zeke. I know Quinn is sorry as well, but he has to do what’s best for the band.”

  Zeke sighs heavily and nods. He looks out over his restaurant, in the direction of where Quinn’s sitting and lets out another exaggerated sigh. Thing is, if he begged Quinn to continue playing, he would, out of obligation. But that would mean dealing with Elle and I’ve seen her wrath, it’s not pretty.

  Throughout the evening, people stop by Quinn’s table asking for autographs. I feel bad for him because he hasn’t had any sense of peace since he sat down. I’m tempted to tell him to go home and relax, but I know he won’t. It’s funny how one song on the radio changes everything. Of course, the DJs didn’t have to tell everyone that Sinful Distraction is local or that Quinn is often found hanging out at the Bean Song. So here he sits, signing each request, and posing for pictures.

  “I’m going to take a break do you want to meet me outside?” I stop by his table.

  “Of course.”

  He follows me through the kitchen, ignoring Zeke who’s calling out his name. Once outside, Quinn pins me to the wall, pressing his body into mine. Our lips crash together, our hands are everywhere. I push off his beanie and his hands grip my thighs, lifting me up. The way he feels between my legs, I want him, and I have a feeling if we weren’t behind my place of employment, I’d let him take me, right here in this alley.

  “I’ve wanted to kiss you like this since the moment I walked in. I’ve been thinking about you all day. I want you, Nola. I want you in my bed with me every night. I want you in my house, sharing the space with me. Most of all, I want you by my side as I traverse this new path.”

  My heart seizes at his words. “Quinn.” His name sounds broken as I say it. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  “I don’t care if you’re messy or leave toothpaste in the sink. None of that trivial stuff matters to me, Nola. I just want you. I know we’re moving fast, too fast for some, but my life feels right with you in it, and I have never felt this way before.”

  “Neither have I.”

  My phone vibrates in my pocket. Quinn starts to laugh. “My hand is pulsating,” he says. He lets me down, so I can deal with it. The screen shows Rhett’s name. I mistakenly open the screen, not thinking about what his message could say.

  I’m here. You’re not packed.

  I swallow hard and try to hide it before Quinn can see it, but it’s too late. “I didn’t think you needed help moving to my place.”

  Locking my phone, I slip it back into my pocket. “I don’t. Like I said, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Okay,” he says. He steps away from me slightly and leans against the wall. Before I can get the words out, the back door opens, and Zeke is standing there.

  “Quinn, there’s a music exec and her assistant waiting for you in the green room. She says she spoke with your manager earlier and she set up the meeting.”

  “Um… okay.” Quinn pulls his phone out. “Elle didn’t text me or anything.”

  “Maybe she forgot?”

  He shakes his head. “Not like her.” Quinn looks at Zeke. “I’ll be there in a few.” He waits until Zeke has closed the door before looking back at me. “What were you going to tell me?”

  I shake my head. “It can wait until we’re home.”

  He leans down and kisses me. “I can’t wait to meet your brother.”

  Yeah, me too. We walk back in and part ways when he turns down the hall. I watch him until he disappears, praying that he’ll be okay when he hears my news.

/>   31

  Quinn

  The look on Nola’s face when she said she had something to tell me, has set me on edge. She looked troubled and it’s something I don’t like seeing. I’m trying not to think of the many scenarios running through my mind as I go to meet this exec, which I find incredibly odd. It’s unlike Elle to set appointments without her being involved. She’s meticulous and likes to pride herself on being well-versed when it comes to the industry. She doesn’t want me, let alone the other members, agreeing to something without her input. Elle is our manager for a reason.

  With my hand on the doorknob, I hesitate. Something isn’t right. I pull out my phone and call my sister, but she doesn’t answer, leaving me no choice but to send her a text, asking her to tell me what’s going on or to come to the Bean Song quickly. The latter is impossible if she’s already home. Driving in from Malibu can be a total bitch, especially after you’ve already made the trip home.

  A sense of uneasiness washes over me as I twist the knob. This is one of the reasons why I preferred being the open mic guy on Friday nights, so I didn’t have to deal with anyone from the industry. Believe it or not, I’m okay with people telling me where to go, what to say and where to stand when I’m singing. Life’s easier when I don’t have to make decisions, and it’s smoother when my only job is to sing and write lyrics.

  Looking down at my phone and the text message I sent my sister, wishing she had her read receipts on, my mind is racing with what’s going to happen behind this door. Leaving them to sit in this room, knowing how disgusting it is, is also unprofessional but I don’t want to walk into a trap.

  I take a deep breath and turn the handle, stepping inside. The two women turn around as I enter. I smile and give a slight nod before stepping forward with my hand out. “Hi, I’m Quinn. Zeke said you wanted to speak with me.”