Chasing My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Alicia takes a step back at my dad’s harsh words. Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him to say those things, but I’m glad he did. I never considered how he felt, not being there when I was born, and it’s probably why he told my mother he’s looking forward to being a grandparent. He has three children and wasn’t there for a single birth.

  “And how do you feel, Char… I mean Quinn?” She smiles as if it’s okay that she made the blunder.

  “I stand with my dad. I always have and always will. He’s never lied to me about how things happened. What you did, that’s not something I can accept. I told you as such last night. There isn’t any room in my life for you.”

  “You have a sister who would like to get to know you.”

  I nod. “And maybe in time, but not right now, especially after what I witnessed last night. I have two sisters who mean the world to me and I’d never want to do anything to hurt them. If they ask me to forget about Sofia, to not have a relationship with her, I’ll do as they ask.”

  “She’s your blood.”

  “And they’re my family. They’ve never turned their backs to me, never treated me like I wasn’t their brother. They’ve never set out to hurt me, and Sofia did that last night without even knowing me.”

  “I see,” she says. Alicia inhales. “I guess we’re done here.”

  “Not yet,” Dad says. “I want you to leave. Go back to wherever you were holed up, live your life, but stay out of ours. If Quinn wants anything to do with you, he’ll contact you. I wouldn’t hold your breath though. Let’s go, son.” Dad puts his hand on my shoulder and directs me to the door.

  As soon as I’m outside, I fall into his arms. Now I’m the one shedding tears and thanking him for always being my dad and for never giving up on me.

  34

  Eleanora

  My vacation’s over, evident by the amount of sweat dripping down my face at seven in the morning. I didn’t miss the humidity, at least not like this, and would give anything to go back to the west coast, back to where Quinn is so I can apologize again.

  That fateful night ended with me packed in my car, and my brother behind the wheel, heading east without looking back. There wasn’t a reason to stay. Quinn, through his sister, drove home the message that he gave me in the back room at the Bean Song. He was done. His other sister though, she made damn sure that I don’t ever come back again or else. To be honest, the fact that he didn’t give me a chance to explain things to him really hurt. Although, Sofia’s tale of how things are isn’t that far off. I’ve always thought her brother was cute. It was just dumb luck that I ended up in the same place where he performed.

  And now I’m home, sitting on my grandma’s old rocker, watching as the landscapers mow the lawn. Even though I’m of age, my daddy says I’m grounded, and honestly, I’m too scared to test him on his words. He’s taken my car away too, making me feel like I’ve been caught smoking out back or something. Rhett says he’s just angry because I lied. My counter-argument is that I’m old enough to make my own decisions, except no one in my family sees it my way.

  A car pulls up to the house, which is a big no-no in my mama’s book. She wants people to park away from the house, it’s been something she’s trying to implement for a few years now. Most people listen and respect the house rules, unless you’re Roybert Aldridge, who is currently walking toward me.

  “What’re you doing here, Roy?” He walks toward me and decides to lean against one of the pillars. His hands are in the pockets of his khaki dress pants and his loafer is crossed over the other foot, acting as casual as possible. Me, I’m in a stupid dress because it’s hotter than Hades here and according to my mama, it’s the proper attire for a young lady.

  “Heard you were back in town.”

  “Yep, three days now.”

  “Didn’t think you wanted to call and let me know?”

  “Didn’t feel like I had a reason to.”

  He cocks his head and smiles. Roy’s cute, but he’s not Quinn, and right now, despite everything, that’s where my heart is. Roy takes the seat next to mine and reaches for my hand. I shy away, but he grabs hold tightly and doesn’t let go. I glare at him, which only makes him snicker.

  “Your mother’s party is coming up, I think we should announce our engagement.”

  I stand up, ripping my hand out of his grip. “Have you fallen and hit your head? What makes you think I’m going to marry you after you’ve knocked up what’s-her-name.” I’m pointing off into the distance like his other woman is standing out in the field. “You’ve gone and lost your mind.”

  “Whatever Susannah has told you is a lie. There is no one else. I have been waiting patiently for you to return, Eleanora. For four years to be exact while you put our lives together on hold. We had a plan when you turned eighteen, but college was more important. I should’ve left you then, but I didn’t. I’m tired of waiting.”

  “Well, you’ll have to wait a bit longer because I’m not marrying you, Roy. I’m not. I’m in love with someone else.”

  Roy stands. “Oh yeah, where is he? Because I don’t see him here and from what I’ve heard, he wants nothing to do with you.”

  “Who’ve you been talking to, huh?” I stalk toward him, keeping my arms crossed so he can’t reach for my hand.

  “Doesn’t matter. It’s the truth. I can see it in your eyes.”

  “You know nothing, Roy, except how to hurt me. It’s all you’ve ever done. You can’t keep your thing in your pants and I’m not about to marry someone who can’t be faithful.”

  “I’m not the one who’s been dating someone else.”

  “I broke up with you, so you can’t even say it’s the same thing.” I cover my face and walk to the edge of the porch. I have so many memories of this house, and at times I wish I could go back to being young and carefree. Being an adult is overrated.

  Roy’s hands rest on my shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “You’re right. I haven’t been a good boyfriend to you, but you’re home now and this is an opportunity for us to start something fresh.”

  “I’m not in love with you, Roy.”

  “You were once before, it can happen again.”

  I turn and look into his eyes. “Why is marrying me damn important? There’s a gaggle of women in town who will happily be your wife, why me, Roy?”

  He sets his hands on my hips and pulls me close. I search deep inside for any inkling that there are feelings there, but there’s nothing. I feel absolutely nothing for him and it’s not something that can come back with time. The only person I want to be standing here with is Quinn. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want to be with me. My heart needs time to heal and marrying Roy isn’t the solution.

  “Because I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve known you.”

  “You have a funny way of showing someone that you love them.”

  “I’m not perfect, Eleanora. I can admit when I’ve made mistakes. You, however, are not one of them.”

  “And you’d marry a woman who is in love with another man?”

  “In time, she’ll love me again.”

  “I see.”

  “So, at your mama’s party, we’ll announce our plans to get married?”

  “Eleanora are you ready?” The sound of Susannah’s voice rings out. I look toward her and smile, slipping away from Roy.

  “Perfect timing,” I whisper to her as I grab her arm. I don’t bother to say goodbye to Roy as my friend and I walk toward my mother’s rose garden.

  “What did he want?”

  “He wants to get married.”

  “Are you going to?”

  I pull up short, stopping us in the middle of one of the gardens. Susannah’s dressed similarly to me with a floral print dress, but she’s wearing a sunhat with hers, something my mama would like to see me do. A few of the workers pass by, tipping the brim of their hats at us. We smile and wait for them to pass before we start talking again.

  “No, I’m not. I don�
�t love him and besides, he’s going to have a child with that woman, even Rhett says so. Williemae says I need to look past it. But, how can I? We are not living in the old world anymore and it’s time our traditions change.”

  “With Roy, if you look over his shoulder, there’s a line of women waiting in the wings.”

  “That’s what I told him.”

  We walk, arm in arm, into my mother’s rose garden. It’s ripe with every color you can think of from the richest reds to the brightest yellows. Personally, the orange colored roses are my favorite, along with purple. How my mama can grow them so well is beyond me, but people come from all over to just sit here for a moment and bask in their presence.

  “Hey, Mama,” I say, approaching her. She’s down on her knees, pushing dirt around.

  “Hello, girls.”

  “Mrs. Boone. It’s lovely to see you again.”

  “Yes, you too, Susannah. How’s your mother faring these days?”

  “Very well, thank you.”

  “Mama, Susannah would like to use the green space over there for her wedding. It’s planned for August, but it’s time to send out the invites.”

  Mama stands and uses her hand to block the sun from her eyes, even though she’s wearing a visor. “Eleanora, where’s your bonnet?”

  The need to roll my eyes is great, but I refrain. “I must’ve left it on the porch with Roy.”

  “Roybert’s here?”

  “He was, I think maybe he’s gone.” It’s hard to decipher how she feels about him. Since I’ve been home, we haven’t really talked about Roy, although I did tell her everything about Quinn, in between sobs.

  “Well bless his heart.”

  Susannah and I both laugh. In turn, my mom starts laughing too. “That boy can’t take a hint, can he?”

  “No, ma’am,” I say. “He thinks we should get married, wants to tell people at your party.”

  My mother gasps. “Oh, he will do no such thing, especially when your heart’s not in it.”

  “Thank you, Mama.”

  Deep down, my mom’s a hopeless romantic and seemed excited when I told her about Quinn and how much in love I am with him. She suggested I invite him out here, but I told her it’s not possible. Even if we were talking, he wouldn’t come. He’s too busy and we’re not exactly on speaking terms.

  It’s sad really because I think Quinn would like it here, and he probably would’ve visited if I had been forthcoming about my life. Silly me for trying to invent someone who didn’t exist, not thinking I’d fall madly in love while I was playing make believe.

  “Now come on, let’s take a look at this space over here and see if we can’t accommodate Miss Susannah’s requests.”

  The three of us walk over to the green space right off the garden. There’s a gazebo nearby that could be moved, which would be the most perfect place for her nuptials.

  “I was thinking sunset, Mrs. Boone. I’ve always loved the way the sun bounces off the roses as it’s going down over the pond. We’d be backlit by the sunset, which I think would be perfect for photos.”

  “Oh, it really would be. And your parents are okay with you having your wedding here?”

  “Yeah, they don’t mind. They’re really not excited, but it’s okay. Tanner and I are in love and this is what we want.”

  My mom pulls Susannah into a hug. My eyes become misty. Not only because my best friend is getting her happily ever after, but also because my mom is on my side when it comes to Roy. The night I arrived home, I told her everything. Only Daddy got the watered-down version.

  Mom takes hold of Susannah’s arm and directs her back toward the house. I linger behind, stopping to smell the roses, so to speak. The early morning sun is blistering, showing us what a sweltering day it’s going to be. The months of July and August in the South, are no one’s friend.

  By the time I make my way into the kitchen, Mom and Sus are sitting at the table, drinking sweet tea and going over some picture books for the wedding. I excuse myself and head up to my room.

  Under my mattress, lies my phone. I hid it there from my father when he went into his fit of rage and took my car. I turn it on, hoping to find a missed call or a text message from Quinn, but there are only messages from Kellie, telling me I must call her right away. I should, but I’m still embarrassed about the way things were handled. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her, at least not properly, and I owe her one hell of an explanation.

  Instead, I type Quinn’s name into the internet browser and look for any recent news stories or photos. I know that someday I’m going to do this, and he’ll be with another woman, and he’ll be happy. I hope that when that day comes, I can be delighted for him and on my own path to happiness. Until then, I’ll live with the knowledge that I lied to the sweetest man I know. I should’ve told him about Roy from the start, but fear has a funny way of making you choke when you need to get the words out.

  35

  Quinn

  Everything I thought would happen, did. Against my better judgment, I joined the band. I had an eerie suspicion that Alicia was out there, waiting in the wings and I was right. And I stupidly went balls to the walls into a relationship without knowing the person. Like, really getting to know her. There isn’t a damn thing about her that I can tell a single person. Not her age, not the town she’s from, and for the life of me, I can’t remember her last name. One would think that before they profess their undying love to someone and ask them to move in, all the vital information would be shared. Like, I don’t know, the fact that she’s engaged to someone else.

  I’ve always been the cautious one, waiting in the background, assessing every situation and making informed decisions. I’m not rash when it comes to judgment, in fact, I barely give my opinion unless it’s needed, like when Elle was acting like a raging bitch to Ben and partying too much. I stepped in. It pissed her off, but the end result is that they’re both happy and living a life together in Malibu. Great, perfect.

  All I wanted was the same damn thing my sisters have. I’m tired of being the third and fifth wheel, with them always looking at me like I’m missing something. And when I finally find it, what I’ve always wanted, it’s all built on lies. I don’t even know if anything she ever said to me was true. She lied about her name and most importantly about being engaged. Who the hell does that?

  People involved with Alicia Tucker, that’s who. I should’ve sensed something was wrong. I should’ve seen the signs, but I was too busy getting my rocks off to realize that the woman in front of me, the one who told me she loved me, had skeletons in her closet.

  One of them being Sofia. She lived with my half-sister for two years, and according to Sofia, Nola, sorry Eleanora, knew exactly who I was. She sought me out. She purposely put herself in my life to seduce me, and for what?

  That’s what doesn’t make sense, no matter how many times I try to resolve it in my head, why would she seduce me? And why would she lie about Sofia to my sisters? None of this makes sense, and yet I can’t get over it, and it’s eating me up inside.

  I crumble up the sheet music and toss it on the floor. I’ve spent every waking minute here in the studio, where I know Nola and my parents can’t get to me. I’m a coward and I’m hiding. I’m feeling so much rage inside, I’m afraid that if I see her, I will blow up, and I’ve had enough anger these past few days to last me a lifetime.

  The door opens and in walks Ajay. Great. Just what I need. He sees the mess on the floor, bends down, picks up one of the many balls of paper and opens it. I set my eyes back on the next sheet of paper, looking at the bars as they mock me.

  Up until now, writing has been my thing. My go-to when I need to get my thoughts down or relieve some stress, but since everything went down, I haven’t been able to make sense of the words. The amount of anger, the agonizing hurt and desperate longing I feel do not make for a good song. They make for an angry letter which I’ve written each night to Eleanora. Telling her how much she’s destroyed my faith in lov
e and humanity. Asking her over and over, what did I do to deserve this from her?

  Sadly, the words never answer me back and unless I actually send the letter, I’ll never know. Of course, I could mail it, but that would mean I would need to know some important facts about her, like her last name.

  “Shit, these are good.”

  “They’re garbage,” I mumble in response to Ajay’s praise.

  “You’re biased.” He comes over to the table with four or five different sheets and presses them out. He starts pointing to different lyrics, mixing them with others from the different pages, mashing them together to create a song. I hate it. I hate it because he’s right and it would be good.

  “Damn, you should write more often.”

  I scoff. “I’ve written most of the songs on our demo or haven’t you been paying attention?”

  “No, I mean whatever’s going on with you now, this shit’s really good. Have you shown Elle? What about your dad? I could see Liam belting one of these out, but that might piss off Dana.”

  I set my pen down and look at him. He’s excited, eager, and using a pen to mark the order of the lyrics. “Why are you doing this?”

  He pauses and looks at me questioningly. “Because we’re bandmates.”

  “I’ve been nothing but a dick to you. Do you know why?”

  Ajay stands tall. “No. Elle just said that you’re reserved, that you keep to yourself. I figured it’s because you’re one of those intense musicians.”

  “You were one of the reasons why I was so hesitant to join this group.”

  “O-kay, did I sleep with your chick or something? Because that’s not how I roll.”

  I shake my head, although I don’t really know the answer to that. “It’s my dad. He’s taken you under his wing, he’s helped you. I realize how incredibly selfish I sound, but we’ve had a disconnect, mostly over this band and when I was duped to coming in for the jam session, all I could see was him sitting side by side with you. You bonded over drumming and I was jealous.”