Chasing My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I close my eyes and set my head back against the seat rest. We talk until she has to go. I wish I could say I feel better after speaking with her, but I don’t. She thinks it’s best that I don’t go to Quinn’s, but I’m not so sure. I don’t want him to spend the rest of the night thinking I’ve been lying to him about Sofia.

  The drive to his house is done in a blur. I believe I ran a few red lights, almost ran someone over and missed a curb or two, but I’m at his complex and I’m climbing the steps. His door looms in front of me, and my feet grow heavy. Each step is more painful than the last. I knock. It’s quiet at first, but louder the longer the seconds tick by.

  “Quinn, open up. We need to talk. Please, Quinn.” My knocking turns to banging, and finally the door opens. His sister is here, and I don’t know what’s worse, facing her or him right now.

  “Elle—”

  “It’s Peyton.”

  “Oh, the nice one.” As soon as she tilts her head to the side I know I’ve made a mistake. Right now, I should be on the ground, kissing her feet, begging for her to let me in so I can speak to Quinn. “I’m sorry, that was incredibly rude of me.”

  “Listen, when it comes to my family, I’m as wicked as the next person. My brother, he doesn’t want to see you. In fact…” She pauses and bends down to pick something up. She hands me a bag, full of my clothes. “I believe these are yours. He says you don’t have a key, so I don’t need to ask for that back. I suggest you run along back to the Tuckers because you’re not wanted here.”

  “Wait, please?”

  She sighs, clearly not in the mood to listen to me. Not that I blame her. “Please tell Quinn that I love him. All I lied about was my name and who I was, not because I was hiding anything from him, it was because I was hiding from myself. I can’t explain Sofia and Alicia, other than I went to school with Sofia and we were roommates and best friends. She talked about him all the time.”

  “So, you knew who he was?” Peyton crosses her arms over her chest. “You knew who my entire family was and pretended like you didn’t.”

  “Yes and no.”

  “It can’t be both.”

  “Yes, I know, but Sofia—”

  “What is she doing here?”

  I turn at the sound of Elle’s voice. The ire in her features is scary. I step back, fearful that she might lash out at me. She stalks toward me until I’m pinned against the wall, her gaze boring holes into my eyes. “I’m only going to tell you once, get the hell out of here. Don’t you ever call my brother again and don’t even think about showing up here. You’ve done so much damage, you have no idea. You have no clue what you’ve done, bringing that wretched woman into his life. I want you gone. I don’t ever want to see or hear from you again. And for the love of all things holy, you better hope you’re not pregnant because I’ll make damn sure my brother takes that baby from you. You’re not any better than the whore that gave him up. Now get out!”

  I do as she says and rush down the stairs. I fall when I get to the bottom and swear I can hear them snicker. I don’t look back though and scramble to pick my belongings up and get to my car. As much as I’d love to think that Quinn’s coming after me, I know he’s not.

  As I start to pull out of the complex, I look back, one last time, hoping to see him in the window. “I love you,” I say to the air.

  33

  Quinn

  You left just in time

  I stare at the text message from Peyton, relieved that I avoided Nola, Eleanora or whatever her name is, when she came to my place. But I also have some regrets. I’m not a coward, however, I feel like one now. Not only with bailing before I could confront the woman who I thought was in love with me, but also because I didn’t tackle the elephant in my life – Alicia.

  This day was coming, whether it was today, tomorrow or someday in the future. I knew this and yet wasn’t prepared. Truthfully, the only way I could be more prepared is if I had some kind of warning, but apparently that’s not Alicia’s style. She’s the balls to the wall type person, a blindside attacker, who only cares about herself.

  My mom, the only woman who will ever carry that title for me, is sitting next to me. The both of us have our feet buried in the sand, far away from the surf. It’s dark out and surprisingly we’re not the only ones on the beach.

  When I arrived home from the Bean Song, she was the first person I saw. I can thank Elle for that. My sister knew exactly what I needed. In turn, my mom knew we couldn’t stay at my apartment, so she brought me to the closest beach. The beach is our tranquility, where we are at peace. It’s where our thoughts make sense, where we can scream out in anger, cry, and rejoice, and only the ocean can hear us.

  Mom leans her head on my shoulder and wraps her arms around mine. There’s only been a handful of times when I’ve seen my mom cry, Mason’s birthday, and the date he passed away on, when Peyton was dying, and tonight. As soon as we laid eyes on each other, we both broke down in tears. I meant what I said to Alicia earlier, Katelyn’s my mom and that will never change.

  “I wish I had the right words to take away your pain.”

  “Me too,” I tell her. “It’s really frustrating being so consumed with anger and pain right now. I don’t know which one to tackle first.”

  “Depending on the situation, sometimes the anger never goes away. Pain can heal though.”

  “I’m not sure this can. She lied to me. She brought that woman into my life.”

  My mom sits up and pulls her legs to her chest. “Quinn, she was never out.”

  I glance at my mom. “What do you mean?”

  “Just that, she’s always been there. We always knew this day was going to happen, and honestly, your dad and I thought it would be on your birthday. In fact, we dreaded it. I started monitoring the mail, hoping that I’d beat you kids to the mailbox every day. I used to leave Whimsicality to check it just in case a letter came.”

  “Would you have kept it from me?”

  She looks away. “I don’t know. Part of me says yes because I don’t want her to hurt you, but the mom in me says no because you have a right to know her if you wanted to, and to know her family.”

  “Alicia isn’t the type of person I want in my life, not after what she did to Dad and me.”

  “Yeah, well your father should’ve never told you everything.”

  “I’m glad he did. It’s been a lesson for us, to always watch our glasses and pay attention to who’s around us.”

  The day my dad told me everything about Alicia, was the first time I saw my parents fight. My mom didn’t want me to know how my conception came about, but my dad, he thought it was important. He didn’t want me to end up in the same situation. Funny thing is, I’m probably in a worse one. Nola and I haven’t been using protection because I trusted her. The odds are likely not in my favor, and if she’s pregnant, all I’ve done is continue the cycle with Alicia and her evil ways. My father will never be rid of her.

  “May I ask you a question?”

  “You can ask me anything,” Mom says, turning toward me.

  “If Alicia were different, would you be hurt if I had a relationship with her?”

  Mom tries to smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I already know by her expression, she would be.

  “That’s a hard one for me, Quinn. I would never deny you a relationship with your mother—”

  “Egg donor,” I say, interrupting her. “She’ll never be a mother to me. You’re my mom, and always will be.”

  She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a piece of paper, slowly unfolding it. “One year, you did a project in school for Mother’s Day. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but you gave me this letter. I always knew that I would need this again, that we would need to read it together.” Mom hands me the tattered paper.

  I read over the letter I wrote to her many years ago. Tears fall as I remember the assignment. People rarely spoke about adoption or being adopted. I think because if they were, they didn’t kn
ow yet. I suppose I had it better in the end because I knew. Adoption is something the three of us wanted because we wanted to be a family, always.

  “Backwards day. We haven’t had one of those in a long time.”

  “Nope, we haven’t. We could if you wanted.”

  I laugh. The twins and I looked forward to that one day a month where we decided what we were going to do. The girls went with our dad, and I with our mom. I used to drag Mom to kart racing, arcades, the skate park, and the dirt track. She’d never complain.

  I read the letter again and focus on the end. “You chose to be my mom.”

  She nods and lets the tears fall down her cheek. “I did, and I’d choose you again. You brought a joy into my life that I didn’t know was missing. I have loved every minute of being your mom and if you wanted a relationship with her, that’s your choice. But I can’t lie and tell you I wouldn’t be jealous or hurt. She, with the help of Sam, almost ruined your father and me with lies. Lies that I believed even when your dad was telling the truth, and if she hurt you, I don’t know what I’d do.”

  “I don’t want to have anything to do with her, but she has a daughter. Right now, I think she’s as delusional as her mother, but…”

  “She’s your sister.”

  “Half.”

  “More than the twins.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t see Peyton and Elle that way. I never have. I hope you know that. I hope they know that.”

  She nods. “I think they do, but—”

  “But you think they’ll feel threatened or feel like I’m replacing them?”

  “I don’t know. Everyone’s going to have their own feelings on this.”

  “I don’t want to hurt the twins, ever. I’m also not saying I plan to have a relationship with her. I just… I don’t know.”

  My mom takes my hand in hers and squeezes. “You’ll make the best decision for you, Quinn. That’s all you can do. The girls, they probably won’t understand because Mason, he’s not coming for them, and there are no hidden siblings out there, waiting to make contact. You’re in a unique situation with no right or wrong way to handle it. There isn’t a manual on how to deal with half-siblings from psycho mothers.” Mom covers her face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say things like that, but that woman… ugh.”

  We both laugh. “It’s fine. She’s really in her own world. I found her really creepy. Like she’s done too many drugs in her life or something. And she called me Charlie.”

  “You definitely don’t look like a Charlie.”

  “I’m partial to Quinn,” I say, even though she had no say in what to call me. Her phone dings, she reaches for it and smiles. I know it’s my dad. They’re hopelessly in love and it’s rather sickening sometimes, except I want the same for myself. I thought I had it or was on my way to it. “What’s Dad say?”

  Mom smiles and looks over her shoulder. “I’m going to give you two guys some time together.” She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, son.”

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  I watch as she greets my father. He kisses her as if they just started dating. They’ve never lost their attraction for one another or even fell out of love, not even a little bit. Sometimes, I wonder where my dad and I would be if Mason hadn’t passed away, how different life would be. Nothing would be as we know it.

  As my dad sits down, he pulls me into a hug. We stay like this for a bit. He’s crying. I can feel his body shudder and his tears are making my neck and shirt wet. I’d cry too, but my tears are all dried up. Everyone’s always been concerned about how I’d feel when Alicia showed up, but no one ever considered how my parents would feel. It’s probably uncomfortable for my dad to know this woman is in town and making her presence known.

  We part, but he doesn’t let go of me. His hands are cupping my face and he’s looking at me, almost as if he’s trying to memorize what I look like. When he finally drops his hands, he lets out a large sigh. “Up until the day I met you, I never wanted kids. But there you were, in your carrier and the words, he’s your son were playing through my mind. I called your grandma because in my eyes, she fixed everything. I remember when she took you out of your car seat and held you, she knew instantly you were mine. You didn’t even have a name.”

  “Charles, according to her.”

  He scoffs. “Charles is a dumb name.”

  “For me, I agree. For the millions of Charles’ out there, they might like it.”

  “Touché, son. Anyway, life changed for me that day. My lawyer asked me what I wanted to do, keep you or give you up for adoption. The answer was easy, it was simple. There was no way I was letting you go.”

  “I’m thankful that you kept me.”

  “And there was no way I was going to let her take you away from me and I’m still not.”

  “Dad, I’m of age, it’s not like she can take me anywhere.”

  He shakes his head. “Not the point. She had many chances to come forward, to ask to see you, to be a mother, and for her to show up like this, to lie about who she is so you’ll enter that room… I’m done, Quinn.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Dad sighs. “I mean, I know where she’s staying and I’m going to confront her. I wanted to let you know first though. I don’t want to come between the two of you if you’re planning to let her in your life.”

  “I’m not, and I’m coming with you.”

  “You don’t need to do that.”

  I stand and pull my old man to his feet. “It drives the message home as far as I’m concerned. I want nothing to do with her.”

  We sip on coffee, neither of us having been to bed in over twenty-four hours. My dad and I have been parked outside the hotel where his private investigator tracked Alicia to, yet, neither of us have made a move to go in.

  “I feel like we’re on a stakeout. The only thing missing is a camera.”

  “We should go in,” Dad says. “Knock on her door.”

  “Are you having second thoughts?”

  He shakes his head. “I’m trying to get my temper under control because right now I want to strangle her.”

  “Violence isn’t the answer.”

  “Thank you, Katelyn,” he says, mocking me. It’s what my mom always says when any of our tempers try to get the best of us. Thing is, if you cross my mom, watch out. I think that’s why my dad is here, and she isn’t. I wouldn’t put it past my mom to cause bodily harm to Alicia.

  Dad puts his coffee cup in the holder and opens his car door. “Let’s go, she’s wasted enough of our time.” I follow him out. We walk across the parking lot with purpose and determination. He knocks on the door labeled six and waits.

  My heart thunders loudly in my chest, and when the door flies open, I jump. My dad though, he’s calm and showing no emotion. I suppose, for him, this confrontation has been a long time in the making.

  “Well, what a lovely surprise. Both of my men are here. Won’t you come in?” Alicia holds the door open. My dad doesn’t hesitate, but I do. I peek in, looking around the room. For what, I don’t know.

  Inside, the room is dark and dingy, and there’s no sign of Sofia. Alicia stands in front of my dad, looking up at him. It’s creepy and pissing me off.

  “It’s been so long, Harrison.”

  “Not long enough,” he retorts.

  “Tell me, have you missed me?” She drags her finger down the front of his shirt. He bats her hand away forcefully. Her mouth drops open. “So rude.”

  It doesn’t take me long to figure out that this woman is sick. She’s nothing like the person I met last night where she was aloof and absentminded. Today, she’s fully alert and completely aware of what she’s doing.

  “Why are you here, Harrison, if it’s not to reminisce?”

  “Are you delusional?” he asks. “We spent one night together, if you can even call it that. We have nothing to share fond memories over.”

  “But it’s a nice one. It’s the night we conceived our son
.” She’s happy when she says this. Her eyes light up as she looks at me. “He’s so handsome and talented, much like his father. Have you heard his new single? I love it.”

  The anxiety I felt about joining the band has come full force. She was exactly the reason why I didn’t want to be out there, why singing for tips at a local bar was the best avenue for me. This is what I wanted to avoid, and now I’m questioning everything. Did Nola bring her here or was it the band?

  My dad looks over at me and frowns before turning toward Alicia. “For years I have waited to tell you how I feel. I’ve practiced the words, what I was going to say to you, over and over again. From the time you showed up at my apartment and left my son on the floor, to the time you failed to show up for the custody hearing or when you couldn’t be bothered to appear in court for the restraining order, but had the audacity to approach my wife while she was at the spa—”

  “She’s not your wife,” Alicia says. “Can’t pull the trigger or have you been waiting for me?”

  Dad scoffs. “Katelyn is more woman than you’ll ever be, Alicia. She’s my wife, my partner, the mother of my children, and the love of my life. And you tried to take that away from me, and for what? I didn’t scorn you, break-up with you for someone else. I didn’t leave you pregnant and alone, you did that to yourself. You could’ve told me you were pregnant. I could’ve been there when my son was born, but you took that away from me, and for what?

  “You and I have never been anything to each other, ever. The only commonality we have is what flows through Quinn’s body. That’s it. Nothing more. You have never and will never be anything more than the vessel that brought life to my son. You don’t deserve to know my boy, to be a part of his life, to walk in his shadow, to even breathe the air that surrounds him. He’s so much more of a person than you ever gave him credit for when you abandoned him that day. You left him, and for that, I will always hate you. I will despise you until the day I stop breathing. As far as I’m concerned, you are dead to me.”