We Shouldn't and Yet...

by Stephanie Witter

  Her eyes don’t leave me. They watch me touching my cock and then taking a hold of her knees I push her legs upward and over my forearms, resting in the cradle of my elbows. “Hold on, beautiful.’’

  As soon as I feel her hands on my shoulders, I thrust inside her in one deep move, sheathing myself in her quivering pussy. I groan and stop moving. Fuck. She’s as tight as I remember. She squeezes my dick and it’s heavenly. I have to fight off the need to move, to fuck the hell out of her. When her nails stop digging in my skin, I pull almost completely out, reveling in the feeling of her pussy trying to hold me in. When my tip is almost out, I thrust back in balls deep and put my hand back on her throat as she bucks against me, arching up. I feel her moan against my palm as my ears are buzzing, my blood soaring. I watch her breasts move in time with my every thrust and I crave those little pebbles in my mouth, but I can’t stop fucking her harder, faster. I don’t feel it when my knees bang again and again against the counter. I don’t feel it when her nails start breaking my skin. I only feel my cock tightly held by her pussy, the way my balls slap against her ass, the ways her thighs start to shake and her walls quiver around my cock.

  I push her legs open wider and I go deeper, and this time I hear her moan, loud, as I hit her g-spot. Fucking perfect. I look down and watch my dick coming out of her wet heat. It’s glistening, red and when I piston back into her, I groan louder as her pussy parts and more of her juices run down my balls to the top of my thighs. She’s drenched and so fucking close.

  I tighten my hold on her throat and piston harder and faster and that’s it. Her pussy squeezes my dick to almost pain, taking everything as she bucks harder and arches up in a loud shrill moan and I follow her over the fucking edge. I growl her name and lightly bite her shoulder. I see stars behind my eyelids and I can’t stop moving my hips. I go harder, milking both of us until I can’t take it anymore and fall over her on the counter. I’m still inside her, finally softening. I’m breathing hard and in time with her. The sweat coating our bodies gives me a chill. After what feels like a long an eternity, but is probably just seconds, I open my eyes and look at her.

  She’s already looking at me with an emotion I can’t place. No, it’s an emotion I can place, but can’t face. Strands of hair are sticking to her sweaty flushed face. Her mouth is open, her lips swollen. For once, there’s no worried lines on her face, no real sadness either. She’s breathtaking.

  I push up on my trembling arms and pull out of her, making quick work of the condom and discarding it in the dustbin. I’m shaking all over, my muscles protesting at my every move. I’m wiped out. Behind me, I hear her move and fall back to her feet before she starts gathering her clothes.

  I turn around and find her shrugging on her top. Her pants are already on and she’s put my clothes on the counter a few inches from me. She’s not avoiding my gaze. She’s not acting shy either. I don’t really know what to make of her reaction and most of all, her silence. The quietness, while a relief for my still aching head, is quite disarming.

  I put on my briefs and jeans, but keep my shirt in my left hand. I’m still too hot and sweaty to put it on. I run a hand along my jaw, cringing at the feel of my thick beard and take a step toward Aideen.

  “Did I—Did I hurt you or…?’’ I ask with a thick voice. I grit my teeth at listening to myself. I sound like a pussy. Shit, man up, fucker.

  “Of course not.’’ She sidesteps me and sips her coffee. Just like that. Her hand is steady, her breathing too and her body language is showing that she’s cool.

  I’m glad that her back is to me, because I’m pretty sure I make a face at her. I’m used to women taking sex lightly, used to women yelling at me for not giving two shits, I’m also used to tears, but this is a new one. This sweet girl who’s not one to have sex without being in a relationship is actually treating this as nothing more than a normal occurrence. I’m the one unable to do so. I can’t. She’s rocked my world twice and that second time was more intense than the first one. She’s consumed me and I’m not so sure the same can be said for her. For the first time in over two decades I’m worried about my performance. What the fuck is this?

  “Uh…Do you want to talk about it?’’ I quickly put on my shirt and tug it down my chest as I reach the other side of the counter where my half eaten bacon, now cold, is still on my plate. I sit on the stool and actually sigh. I’m beat.

  “There’s not much to say. You wanted to prove something, we were both horny and it’s obvious we’re quite compatible when it comes to sex. We got carried away.’’ She shrugs and smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach her big hazel eyes.

  “You know it’s more than that, Aideen.’’

  She frowns at me, a clear warning in her eyes. She really doesn’t know me if she thinks it’s going to stop me. “No, it’s nothing more.’’

  “You’re dead wrong, beautiful,’’ I retort and watch her tremble at my pet name for her. “Being horny isn’t a strong enough word for how I feel about you.. I’m horny for you and only you. Give me five more minutes and I bet I could take you again. I’m not trying to escape anything with you, and it’s been years since I’ve last had sex because I truly wanted it and not because I wanted a reprieve from all my shit. Now be honest, if not with me with yourself.’’

  “You want the truth?’’ She puts her palms on the counter and leans over it, getting closer to my face. There’s a storm in her eyes and I’m mesmerized. “I spend every minute, every second, every breath escaping an event from my past, but you’re the only exception because when I’m with you I don’t have to make an effort to escape anything. It could be a good thing if you weren’t the bad kind of good things. This is messed up and I don’t know how to deal with it, this and you. So, I’d much prefer to keep you in my fantasies instead of in my real life. We shouldn’t have slept together and you were right when you said that it needs to stop. It’s too soon for me to be with someone and you’re not the kind of man to stay interested for any length of time. And you’re a lot older than I am. Go back to that woman you were seeing and I’ll go on a date with Wesley. Then, things will go back to normal.’’

  I bring my face closer to hers, our noses almost touching as the counter acts as a buffer between our bodies. “You’re not going on a date with Wesley.’’ And fuck if I can’t stay interested in her. I’ve never been so interested in my fucking life. These obstacles are laughable.

  “I will do what I want, Jensen.’’

  “I won’t share you.’’

  “You won’t because we’re not together and I’m certainly not yours.’’

  I grit my teeth and bang my clenched fist down on the top of the counter. “Are you sure of that? When I was inside you it felt like you were mine, like you surrendered to me, Aideen. Wesley won’t give you what you want, what you need.’’

  She laughs at me, the sound harsh to my ears. “Please, you’re not the only one able to bring me to orgasm.’’

  A flash of her and Wesley fucking comes to my mind and I almost growl angrily. It’s not gonna happen, not as long as I’m around. I want this girl and I’m not going to let the pretty football coach get in my way. I fucked up when I let myself lose control and sleep with her knowing what she means to my son, but it’s too fucking late now. I can’t go back. Hal doesn’t know and for all I know Aideen and I won’t last beyond a few short months of fucking our brains out. He doesn’t have to know. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself to alleviate some of my guilt. But that guilt isn’t strong enough to hold me back. I definitely don’t have a paternal fiber.

  “That’s not what I mean, Aideen. I’m the one who’s making your blood race through your veins, I’m the one you get drenched just looking at, I’m the one you fantasize about. Not Wesley. You. Want. Me.’’

  “We don’t always get what we want and we shouldn’t. I can’t go behind Hal’s back and there’s stuff from my past that I can’t forget and it’s all getting in the way. It was great, Jensen, but that�
�s all. Now finish your coffee and go.’’

  I grab the nape of her neck and nip at her lower lip. Nothing more. “You want me to go? Fine, I’m going, but I’ll be back, Aideen. I’ll be back, I’m going to fuck you good again and I’m not going to stop until you say you’re mine. Then and only then, am I going to calm the fuck down. You’re in my blood and I can’t turn that shit off.’’

  I release her, grab my wallet from the counter and walk out slowly still feeling the after effects of the most intense and wildest orgasm of my life. I’m not backing down from this, not when I finally feel more alive and happier than I’ve felt in years. Even the guilt isn’t putting much of a dent in this. Nothing can and nothing will.

  AIDEEN

  What was that?

  I walk to the couch and fall on it, cringing when I feel how sore I am, but it’s the good kind of sore. Though, it comes from another bad decision. I put my head in my hands and consider grabbing one of the small pillows next to me and screaming into it.

  I don’t know what that man is doing to my brain cells, but it’s not looking good. With Yann, physical relationships were complex and even though our emotional connection ran deep, I’ve never felt so out of control with him. The sex was rather good, but it wasn’t wild and unrestrained. In fact, with Yann I was often the one asking for it and for a while I didn’t understand why. Now I know for sure and my doubts are put to the ground, but still. It feels so different. It’s frightening in a way, but I also hate myself. It’s way too soon. I shouldn’t be having sex with someone else already, should I? In a way, I’m afraid of letting go of Yann. And Hal! Damn it, I’m sure Hal is going to hate his father and me.

  My cell phone interrupts my thoughts and I’m thankful for it. I check the caller ID and smile when I see it’s from home. “Hello.’’

  “Hi, honey. How are you?’’ My mother asks, her voice more cheerful than usual. It lifts my spirits immediately and a smile breaks free on my gloomy face.

  “I’m good. Work’s been intense and interesting.’’

  “That’s good. I’m…I’m glad that you’re happy over there.’’ The hesitation actually makes me laugh and I pull the phone away for a few seconds to muffle my laugh. I don’t want her to know I’m onto her white lie. She’d rather I be a little bit miserable and think about coming back to her.

  “And you, how are you doing?’’

  She sighs and I hear her move around, probably in the kitchen if I believe the sound of dishes being moved around. “Some days are better than others. Today is a good day, but it’d be better if you were here.’’

  “That’s good to hear, Mom. And I’ll try to come home next weekend.’’

  “That’s fine, honey. Your father actually asked me not to try and guilt you into visiting us just yet. I’m supposed to wait for a month at least.’’ She sadly chuckles in the phone. It’s not her normal laugh, but it’s a first step. No more than a few days ago she wouldn’t have been able to muster up a laugh or a smile.

  “Where’s Dad?’’

  “He’s out mowing the lawn. He got it into his head that he needed to do it this morning before the heat comes and apparently we’re expecting rain tonight so he won’t be able to use his machine tomorrow. You know how he is with his tools.’’

  I smile fondly down the phone, suddenly hit with the first wave of nostalgia since I’ve left. I actually miss home. I miss some things from home. “He’s a man.’’

  “Amen to that.’’ She sighs again. “Oh, honey, I almost forgot. That’s the main reason of my call. I met Yann’s father yesterday. We were both waiting at the checkout at the grocery store in town.’’

  A lump lodges itself in my throat and my eyes prickle. I clear my throat. “How is he?’’

  “As good as he can be considering. His wife is seeing a doctor now. Apparently it’s already helping.’’

  “That’s good, I guess.’’

  “He asked about you. I told him you left mostly because of what happened and the mess that ensued. He’s really sorry, you know.’’

  “Yann’s father was never an issue. Neither was his mother, to be honest. I’ve always understood her resentment toward me. It’s only natural.’’

  “Honey, you’ve lost Yann too.’’

  I swallow thickly and hold onto my composure with my last strength. “I know, but he was their only child. It’s very different.’’

  “Honey…’’

  “Listen, I have to go. With the hectic week I’ve had I’m not completely settled and I have some groceries to buy. Talk to you later, okay?’’

  “Sure, honey. Call if you want to talk.’’

  I hang up and take a few deep breaths. My lungs are burning, just like they always do when I’m ready to cry my heart out. But I won’t. What is done, is done. Yann is gone and it’s been almost four hundred days. I’d cried the day I received that call to tell me he was dead, I even cried when they buried him, but not once since. I’m not going to now.

  I look around my empty place and that emptiness weighs on me. I don’t want to be alone amongst all this silence, with time on my hands I conjure up memories of a time when Yann and I were a team, when I was his pillar, his constant. I was his everything and he was mine.

  I stand up and go back to my room and take a good long shower, emptying my head. I don’t let Yann invade my thoughts, don’t let Jensen jam my relaxation time, don’t let Hal’s distant behavior worry me. I just enjoy the hot jet of water and how my muscles are getting more relaxed by the second. When my fingers prune I step out and get dressed, ready to go grocery shopping. I’ll call Hal later to see if he’s free to do something, maybe see a movie. It’s a perfect way to spend my Saturday. Way better than staying in, wallowing and mourning when I can’t change a damn thing, even though it’s not a fault for not praying.

  ***

  JENSEN

  “Where were you last night?’’ Hal asks me over lunch, finally up and about at half past noon. He wolfs down some more pork. The kid is like a teenager, eating everything in huge portions. Good thing he’s got my metabolism or he’d be sporting a few extra pounds.

  “Out.’’

  “Very eloquent. Were you with a woman? You know I can take it, I’m not a child.’’

  “Good, I wondered if it was real hair on your chin.’’ I smirk and finish my plate, finally feeling better now that my hangover is fading. I’m pretty sure the counter-sex helped speed up my recovery.

  “Real funny. So, what happened last night?’’

  I focus on my empty plate, then on his and grab both. It gives me a chance to avoid looking at him and it also buys me a few precious seconds to actually find something to come up with. Something other than the very naked truth.

  “I went to Q’s bar, we had a few and I was drunk off my ass. I ended up crashing on a…friend’s couch. End of story.’’

  “You’re getting old. I’m sure a few years ago you’d have had a wilder story to tell.’’

  I go back to the table and sit, a smirk on my face. I run a hand over my beard, the same beard I trimmed when I got back. I can’t be bothered to shave it off yet and it’s odd how much easier I find it to hide my feelings behind. Now that I’ve met Aideen I have a need to hide more than usual, but I’m not sure if it’s working on her or not. She has a keen eye and she probably sees more of me than I’m comfortable with.

  “What do you think about that whole Wesley thing?’’ He points to the couch where his friends had sat yesterday. “I can’t believe she agreed to go out with him. Maybe I was way off when I thought she wasn’t ready to date anyone. I should make a move before she actually hooks up with him.’’ He makes a face at the thought and rubs at his eyes. Now that I look closer, he has bags under his eyes. I’m just starting to know him, but I’ve seen how he makes light of his feelings when really they hit him deeply. He probably had a hard time switching off last night. If he knew that the real threat is his own father, the same father who’s sitting right in front of h
im at the table… Fuck, if I’d known all these years that I had a son, maybe I would have more qualms about going behind his back and snatching his girl. Having a son and being a part of raising him would have probably made me less of a fuck up than I am today.

  “I don’t think she’s that interested in him.’’

  “What makes you think that?’’

  “Don’t know, just a gut feeling.’’ Or the fact that I fucked her over the kitchen counter just a few hours ago. I tug at the collar of my white shirt, suddenly hot. “What happened to her exactly? You keep hinting at it.’’

  Hal shakes his head. “Nah, I’m not going to go that route. It took her months to actually let me know about the Yann thing, and I only know a small portion of it all. You saw what happened the other day. I’m not going to risk pissing her off by telling you. Ask her if you want to know.’’

  I shrug as if I don’t really care, but it’s far from the truth. I’m more and more confused and curious. And if I’m honest with myself, I’m jealous knowing this Yann was so important to her. For all I know, maybe she’s still in contact with him and would jump at the chance to get back with him.

  “It’s none of my business, Hal. If you’re afraid that she’s going to go back to him—‘’

  “That’s one thing I’m sure won’t happen.’’ He shakes his head and stands up, checking his watch. “I’m calling her. I think I should spend more time with her before making a move. What do you think?’’

  That you should stay the fuck away from her, that’s what I really think. I hate my guts more than usual right now. “She’s one of your closest friends, Hal. You know what’s best.’’