We Shouldn't and Yet...

by Stephanie Witter

  He nods and stares at me as I fidget, tensing when my shoulder protests. That bitch is seriously not getting better. I guess it’s time I got it checked for more physiotherapy.

  “You look pissed. What’s wrong?’’

  I wave him off. “Nothing. Go.’’

  He frowns, but leaves, dialing on his phone and bringing it to his ear. When he reaches the stairs I hear his cheerful voice. It’s not my place to be jealous of how close he is to Aideen, after all he’s known her for a year now, but I still am. It’s irrational, it makes me feel like a pussy and yet it also keeps me from my darker thoughts. I’m being a selfish bastard, but when you're a selfish bastard you don’t really do anything to change it as long as it benefits you.

  I take my phone and quickly type a text without any guilt. I’m getting deeper into this mess.

  You owe me a night. Be outside your building at eight tonight. Wear a jacket and don’t make me come get you, Aideen. I know how you like it when I lose my shit. —J

  She doesn’t answer, but I don’t mind. I smirk down at my phone, legs spread in front of me. If she’s not waiting for me tonight I’ll make good on my promise. In a way, I look forward to it.

  ***

  AIDEEN

  I hang up with Hal and I’m about to put my phone back in my purse when I see a text from Jensen. Immediately, a rush of heat comes to my face. I try to hide behind my hair because I’m sure that anyone would guess what’s on my mind right now. I look around between strands of hair and see an old lady squinting suspiciously at me. So, maybe shopping and looking like I’m hiding something isn’t that a good idea. I don’t need to be suspected of shoplifting.

  I straighten up, tug down my top and adjust my purse on my shoulder and go back to the rack of burgundy dresses perfect for my job. And I look back to my phone. I freeze just before taking a dress in my size and bite my lip.

  I can’t answer that text. There’s nothing I can say that’s going to be acceptable. I pocket my phone and ignore the stirring inside me. I barely check the price tag and add the dress to my pile of clothing and go straight to the cashier, a high schooler with brown hair and purple at tips. She rings up my purchases with a smile and a compliment for my choices and I hightail it out of there.

  I take a deep breath and before I can fully calm down, I spot Wesley waving at me from the opposite sidewalk. Of course. After all, this day isn’t difficult enough. I had sex in my kitchen with my best friend’s father. My best friend called to go to the movies and now my new date has turned up. I think I have too many men in my life and too little estrogen to balance them.

  “Hey, I thought it was you. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself by accosting a stranger,’’ Wesley says after catching up to me in a quick jog that hasn’t left him breathless.

  I chuckle and we fall into step down the street, getting closer to the theatre. “I’m sure she wouldn’t have been too annoyed.’’

  He smiles at me sideways and elbows me playfully. “Is it me or are you paying me a compliment?’’

  “As if you’re not used to it.’’ I shake my head and glance at him. With his broad shoulders, his fit body and his dark skin he can’t be ignored. Moreover, he seems like a genuinely nice guy. Why can’t I go for him? It’d be so much easier. Hal would probably be annoyed that I was dating one of his friends, but it’d be better than his father.

  “I’m almost thirty now. I don’t get all cocky anymore. I’m past it.’’ He laughs and sidesteps a man chastising his kid. “Do you have something planned right now?’’

  “Actually, I’m on my way to the theatre. I’m supposed to meet Hal, but if you want to join us—‘’

  “No, thank you.’’ He puts on his sunglasses from the top of his head. “He made it clear last night he’s not a fan of me being around you.’’

  “Tell me he didn’t warn you off after I left.’’

  “He didn’t have to. He basically didn’t say a word to me. You have an admirer, I hope you know that.’’

  “He’s just being protective. He knows I went through a lot.’’

  “It has nothing to do with that, Aideen. Don’t tell me you’re that oblivious.’’ He gently grabs my elbow and leads me out of the busy main street, closer to a small hair salon with what looks like old ladies chatting inside.

  I tilt my head up to face him. His black eyes are on mine, intense. His bright and addictive smile is nowhere in sight. “Wesley, don’t be ridiculous.’’

  “Maybe for you because you’re not attracted to him, but I can assure you that Hal is interested. He always looks at you, often tries to touch you and it’s innocent enough to not catch your attention, but for everyone else it’s obvious.’’

  I go to deny it, but I stop before a single word escapes me. Could it be true? I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve been blind to Hal’s feelings. It makes me sick thinking that our friendship isn’t at all based on what I thought. It’s awful to think that I’ve been hurting his feelings for a while now without knowing. Oh, and Jensen.

  “Oh my God,’’ I mutter and I have to lean against the brick wall.

  “Hey, it’s alright.’’

  I shake my head. “No, it’s really not.’’ I bring a hand to my clammy face. I’m pretty sure all blood has left my face at once.

  “I’m sure it won’t ruin your friendship if you’re not interested.’’

  I bite my lip and look away from him. It’s starting to sound like a really bad soap opera. “On the contrary.’’ I slept with my best friend’s father when said best friend has feelings for me that go beyond anything platonic. Maybe leaving my hometown because of the mess created by Yann’s death was a bad idea. Maybe I should have stayed and suffered through it because at least I would have known what to expect. Here, everything is just getting out of hand.

  “Is it…Is it because of Jensen?’’ he asks tentatively and I stop breathing whatsoever.

  I open my eyes like saucers and jerkily shake my head. “Wh—why—‘’

  “Don’t waste your breath denying it, Aideen.’’ He smiles sadly at me, putting his sunglasses on his strong nose, hiding his expressive eyes from me. “I’ve always been good on the field because I know how to read people. I was called the Psychic because of it. I picked up on the looks you two kept sending each other or trying not to. Something happened, didn’t it?’’

  “I…I…’’ I stutter and bang the back of my head against the wall. “Wesley, you can’t tell anyone. It was a huge mistake.’’

  “So, something did happen.’’ He whistles and shakes his head. “That’s messed up.’’

  “I know, believe me.’’

  He squeezes my shoulder, but it’s not comforting. I actually feel weaker. “It’s not my secret to tell, but it won’t stay secret long. And something tells me that there’s still something going on between you and Jensen. Be careful with him.’’

  “I’m not dating him.’’

  “Dating, fucking, it’s not the point, Aideen.’’ He leans closer to me. “Jensen is a great dude, but he’s not stable. He’s going through his own kinda shit and his last tour overseas was the one too many. I’ve known him before he heard about Hal, and he changed a lot over the years. He’s not one to settle down.’’

  “I’m not ready to settle down either, Wesley. I’m only twenty-two and I’ve been going through a tough time. Jensen and I, we just… slipped up.’’

  He sighs and pulls back to his full height, towering way above me. “You’re lying to yourself. Be careful, you could ruin not only your friendship with Hal, but Hal and Jensen’s relationship too. You’re in the middle and I don’t envy you at all.’’

  He squeezes my shoulder again and walks away, his gait sure, but his shoulders are slightly more hunched than a few minutes ago. He didn’t want to hear his doubts confirmed, but I’m no liar. At least, I didn’t used to be one. I don’t think he’s ever going to ask me out for a drink again. That ship sailed and it took less than twenty-four hours to s
care him off.

  I slowly start walking again, but slower now that I know what it is about my best friend that I couldn’t grasp. Everything is starting to make a lot more sense. Our spat the other week wasn’t just because I’m keeping my feelings for Yann locked away, but because he has feelings for me. Wesley is right, I’ve been so blind.

  I rub my temples and spot Hal waiting for me in front of the theatre. There are groups of people of all ages gathered there, enjoying the sunny day and talking while waiting for their movie to start. I wave at Hal, and his easy going smile breaks free. It hurts seeing it now.

  “I was starting to think you’d stood me up.’’

  “As if,’’ I reply and go stiffly to him for our usual hug. But when his arms close around me, it’s not comfort and familiarity I feel, it’s unease. “I saw Wesley on my way and we chatted.’’

  “Really?’’

  He pulls back immediately and puts his hands in his pockets, going for nonchalance. Usually, it’d have fooled me, but not today. I can see the tense muscles flexing under his brown tee-shirt and there’s something around his eyes that makes it clear as day that he’s not relaxed anymore.

  “He’s a nice guy, but we cancelled our date.’’

  He smiles at me and goes to put his hand around my shoulder, but I quickly walk to the theatre’s entrance, pretending that I’ve missed his move. “I’m really not ready to date. I don’t want to lead anyone on, you know?’’

  “It’s been over a year now, Aideen. Maybe it’s time to move on.’’

  “Listen,’’ I turn around and put a hand on his forearm. “I know we’ve both lost someone dear to us, but it’s not like what happened to your mother. She was terminally ill, Yann…Yann wasn’t. She was your mother. Yann was my boyfriend for years. Your mother’s death probably makes it difficult for you to bond with Jensen, Yann’s death makes it hard for me to open up and go out with another man. You see, we’re grieving in different ways.’’

  He frowns down at me as I take two steps when the line moves on. “Why are you telling me this all of a sudden?’’

  “I don’t know.’’ I shrug. “I just don’t want you trying to hook me up with some guy because you think he’ll be good for me. I’m not ready and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings in the process, you know?’’ It’s a white lie, but I want him to understand before we get any deeper in to this mess and before I hurt him more than I already have.

  “I didn’t push Wesley onto you.’’

  “I know, but still. It’s best to have it out, don’t you think?’’

  He nods half-heartedly and the pain I see on his face breaks my heart too. Wesley has been right about Hal. It’s finally our turn to pay for our tickets, but we’re still quiet, barely exchanging two words until the opening credits start. Good thing that you’re not supposed to chat in a theatre. I hope I’ve made the right call in the way I’ve handled this. Looking at Hal’s somber look, I’m not so sure.

  If only he knew what happened between Jensen and me. If only he knew that I’ll be outside at eight tonight, waiting for his father. If only he knew how I’m not sure if I want to resist his father’s advances and if I only could at this point. If only…

  JENSEN

  I rev my bike when the light turns green and speed up Aideen’s street. I’ve been restless for the last hour thinking of her, wondering if she’d be waiting or if I’d need to grab her heart-shaped ass and bring her out to my bike. Now, I just want to see her, kiss her. But I’m not sure if kissing her is a smart idea when what I really need to do is talk to her. I plan to fuck her too, but first, we need to talk and get some stuff out of the way. I don’t want to play fucking cat and mouse. I’m too old for that shit. And we both deserve to understand each other a bit more.

  I slow down and spot her on the sidewalk, her face turned to me, her hair down her shoulders and her face bare of makeup. She’s wearing a brown leather jacket, zipped up to her neck. I take off my helmet and grab the spare one I’ve brought with me.

  “I see you’re right on time. Eager to see me?’’ I smirk and I’m thrilled to see her getting so easily riled up. It’s as easy as getting her wet. In fact… I stare at her legs, perfectly hugged by her jeans. I wonder if she’s wet already. I lick my lips at the thought, eager to taste her again. I want to hear her moans, her pleas for more of me. I adjust myself and gesture for her to climb on behind me and put on the damn helmet.

  “Where are we going?’’

  “Don’t you trust me?’’

  She snorts and arches an eyebrow at me. She’s got just enough sass to keep me on my toes and I love it. “Not really.’’

  “I’m a safe driver.’’

  “Says the man who had several whiskeys and still rode his bike before.’’ She shakes her head at me, but puts on the helmet, careful to keep her hair out of her face. Without another word she climbs on the bike and puts her arms around me, her hands dangerously low on my abs, close enough to graze the tip of my cock at half mast if she moves half an inch lower. Perfect torture.

  I rev the motor and take off, a shit eating grin on my face under my helmet as she grips me tighter, plastering herself to me, flattening her breasts to my back. Right there, this is one of the reasons why I’ve always loved riding a bike.

  I gun harder and we fly out of the town’s limits, farther into the country until we reach the woods. I slow down and carefully take the road to the left, careful of the holes in the old ground. Trees close in on around us, hiding the cloudless starry night and the new moon. We ride for a few more minutes until I park my bike and take off my helmet, looking at the scenery. She releases me from her tight hold, unfortunately, and climbs off the bike, taking off the helmet in one swift move, sending her hair flying every which way. She looks too damn cute for her own good.

  “Where are we?’’ she asks quietly, her eyes wide on the opening in the trees where you can just about make out a small wood cabin, almost completely hidden by vegetation.

  In the middle of the opening there are the remnants of a campfire, but it’s probably months old. Not many people come back here anymore, but when I was in high school it was the place to go. We would gather here to drink beer or wine stolen from our parents and listen to angry music on an old boombox. I’d often meet Hal’s mother and our friends here. We’d hang out and laugh together, all the while pretending to be cool and the shit. I’d been the worst of all and yet girls still kept coming to me. Hal’s mother too. Only I was too dumb to know she had feelings for me and that it wasn’t just a matter of losing her virginity with a good friend she’d trusted. I’d been thinking with my dick, and here I am thinking with my dick again, years later. It’s pathetic if I take the time to analyze my life and myself.

  I look back at Aideen as she takes a few steps toward where the bonfire used to be. There’s something else there too between us, not just lust and I’m not sure if I should poke around to figure that shit out. It’s scary.

  “At one point it was a hunter’s cabin, but when I was a kid it was here that we’d have bonfires and drink. It’s not very popular anymore.’’ I run a hand over my beard and put my helmet on the bike’s saddle.

  “Must have been wild, huh?’’

  I chuckle and sit on one of the logs. I pat next to me and I’m surprised when she comes to me without complaint. She sits at a respectable distance from me and I have to put my hands in the pockets of my leather jacket to keep from grabbing her hips and pulling her to me.

  “Nah, not much more than what most kids are still doing. The wild parties were in the back of my old man’s car when I was able to snatch the keys or on my old dirt bike. I’ve always been inventive when it comes to the girls.’’ I’ve always been a bastard is more like it.

  “I’m not even shocked.’’

  I smirk and gaze up at the sky. There aren’t that many stars, we’re too close to the town with its lights, but it’s still peaceful. “I know you don’t want to talk about Yann, and I get it. Th
ere is a lot I don’t want to talk about either, but I also know that you should know some things about me or else I’ll keep chasing you while you try and push me away without much success. I hate this blowing hot and cold thing you got going on.’’

  “Next you’re going to tell me you care only for the heat.’’ She rolls her eyes, but there’s tension in her she tries to hide.

  “It’s without saying, and I bet you’re the same.’’ I bring a leg on the other side of the log to straddle it and I face her. She keeps her eyes on the old cabin, but I see her trying to catch me in the corner of her eyes. “It’s been years since I’ve last had a girlfriend and even then it wasn’t a real relationship. I’ve always gone after women, always trying to stay clear of commitment. Maybe it comes from the shit that went down with my mother when I was ten. She left without so much as a fucking goodbye and I’ve never heard from her since. As a kid I hated school and didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d spent a year without doing much of anything other than tweaking my old bike, fucking around and pissing off my father after high school. At some point, we had a huge fight and I left the house. After a couple of weeks crashing at friends’ I ended up enlisting with Q after he told me that I’d be able to finally do something with myself. He talked me into it in a way, pushing me on a right path instead of fucking up my life.’’

  She turns her face to me, her eyes sad. “You didn’t want that?’’

  I shrug and get lost in the past. “Not at first, but I enjoyed my training and bulking up and I loved the first few tours. My father was proud, I had a reason to wake up and I had a purpose. But then the missions started to get more difficult, we would lose more guys and…’’ I trail off, my voice thicker. “Your uncle was a military man, so you know what it’s like.’’

  She slides closer to me on the log and squeezes my thigh. “I know. The only thing that makes me feel better about his death is that he loved his job. He was military through and through.’’