We Shouldn't and Yet...

by Stephanie Witter

“We should let you rest,’’ Hal butts in with a terseness I hate. I know, I just know he picked up on the oddness around each other. And the way I freaked when he got the call? Damn, I couldn’t have been more obvious. “I’ll come back later today.’’

  Jensen reopens his eyes and they immediately land on me. Even when he agrees and gives a few parting words to Hal he doesn’t look away from me. His eyelids are heavier, hooding his eyes. “Thank you for coming, Aideen,’’ he says to my back.

  I look over my shoulder back at him and just nod. Words fail me and I follow Hal out of the hospital, in silence. He breaks it only once we’re back in his car and driving.

  “What was that?’’

  “What?’’

  He stops at a red light and looks at me, his whole face hard. Anger is practically sizzling around him, enveloping me too. “Is there something I should know?’’

  “What? No! Of course not.’’ Not anymore, at least.

  He closes his hand into a fist on his leg, his eyes back on the red light above us. “I hope it’s true.’’

  “What do you think there is, huh? Seriously, Hal.’’ I feel like puking. I’m not a liar. I didn’t used to be and it’s sickening to lie like this to my best friend’s face. But the truth would mess things up even more. If I had any doubt before, they vanished upon seeing his face at the hospital when he saw Jensen and I interacting. And I don’t want to fight with Hal or talk about what Jensen means to me. I’m not ready.

  “Forget it, Aideen.’’

  Without a word he drives me back to the diner where we had been eating lunch and where I’d left my car. He doesn’t say goodbye, only nods and drives away. The gap between us is getting larger and larger. I don’t have Jensen anymore and I’m losing my best friend too. It hurts, but I can’t bring myself to regret Jensen and what we had for a little while. Not only has he made me feel things I’ve never felt before, but he also helped me move on from Yann, something I never thought possible. I still think about Yann, still feel some remnant of guilt when I think back to his death and how I had stopped listening to him as closely, but it’s easier to live with it. I’ve also stopped being angry at him for not thinking of me in killing himself. I truly am moving on with my life and not completely hating myself for doing so. How could I regret being with Jensen when he’s given me new perspectives?

  And I miss Jensen. I can’t turn off my feelings and I can’t ignore them now that I’ve faced them. Jensen is off limits, but he’s in my heart. I don’t know when it’s going to fade away.

  I don’t know if I want it to fade away.

  JENSEN

  I push the IV next to me, cringing every fucking time I so much as breathe. This shit is going to get old real fast. I slowly walk back to the bed after a trip to the bathroom. As my ass touches the too hard and uncomfortable hospital bed, Hal walks back in, closing the door behind him. His frown doesn’t ease up and there’s no smile on his face. I discreetly sigh, tired beyond words. I’m so fed up with this fucking mess. He’s obviously onto me and Aideen, but after seeing death so close, I don’t really give a fuck if he knows or not. But I give a fuck about Aideen and I know she doesn’t want him to know. He’s my son and I should want to protect him, but I’m a selfish bastard, remember? Instead, Aideen is protecting him.

  “I didn’t think you’d be back already.’’

  I lie back down and lock my jaw when everything inside me aches. I’m strong to pain, but shit, it really hurts.

  “I’m glad you’re okay, Jensen, really, but I have a question. Be honest.’’ He brings the chair from against the wall to next to my bed. He sits and rubs at his neck. His frown is still deeply seated on his face. His mouth is straight, nothing like the easy smile I often see on him. My guts twist. “What did that look mean with Aideen? She’s been more freaked out than me when I got the call and back here,’’ he gestures to the other side of the bed where she’d been a few hours ago. “There was something. I know it.’’

  My heart does a strange thing in my chest. It’s light, beating faster. It’s no surprise that she’d been scared that something bad happened to me, but still hearing it from someone else means something to me. I’d seen how pale she’d looked, how small and trembling and all I’d wanted was to gather her in my arms and keep her there. This woman is embedded in me and I don’t fucking know what to do with this. I can’t not want her and I’ve never been good at denying myself something. Or someone.

  “Hal, the girl went through a fucking lot. You’ve told me yourself. Give her a break.’’

  “That doesn’t explain you. You were looking at her like… I don’t know.’’

  It’s fucking hard to lie like this and I hate myself a little bit more for it. “Like I know how it fucking feels to be going through something like this? Damn it, Hal. I saw she was scared and shaken up. I can relate to that.’’

  He stares at me, the hardness softening up some in his eyes. “Is that what it was?’’

  “Yes,’’ I reply, my eyes fixed on his. I know I look fucking sure of myself, but inside I’m burning up from the lie, but also from wanting to see Aideen and not being able to. I want to want my words to be true, but I also am glad they’re not because she makes me feel good things. Even in the middle of this gigantic mess, I feel good things whenever I think about her, whenever I remember our time together. I’ve never had so many contradictory emotions in my life. Ever.

  “Okay.’’ Hal nods, but he still looks wary. I’d be dumb not to pick up on it with the way he’s still eying me, the way his shoulders are still tense and the way he’s making sure to keep some distance between us. Since Aideen’s arrival in my life, my budding relationship with him has been taking a nosedive and it looks like it’s already cracking. It’s no surprise, though. I’ve never been able to keep people in my life other than my father and Q. “They told me that you’re going to be released tomorrow morning. Want me to pick you up?’’

  I start to answer but I’m interrupted by a loud angry voice. “What the fuck is wrong with you, fucker!’’

  I startle and gasp from the pain in my side. Q is fuming right outside the door of my room, his wife on his heels smiling softly at me as she shakes her head at her husband’s back.

  “I didn’t do a damn thing, Q. And I was stone cold sober.’’ I chuckle and Hal runs a hand along his jaw, watching the show.

  My oldest friend walks in and crosses his arms, looking down on me, eyes hard and a bit wild. “Do you know how I heard about that fucking wreck? On the radio and then one of the customers said that you’re the biker they’re talking about, miraculously unharmed.’’

  I look around the huge motherfucker and stare at Olivia who quietly closes the door behind her, a hand on her round stomach. “Is he angry I’m still alive or that I’m in the hospital?’’

  She laughs, but Q’s growl stops us all. Hal silently stands up to give her the chair and she thanks him with a nod and a pat on his shoulder.

  “You didn’t call me, Jensen.’’ Q’s voice becomes flat and he relaxes his stance immediately, as if deflating slightly.

  I sigh and cringe again. These damn ribs are a pain in the ass.

  “I’ll go. I’ll come back tomorrow to drive you home, okay?’’

  “Yeah, thank you, Hal. Sorry for the scare.’’

  He shrugs and walks out, leaving me with my friend eyeballing me and his lovely pregnant wife ready to grab some popcorn for the show while I’m useless on the bed suffering by only breathing. Being alive sure is painful.

  “I’m sorry, Q. I didn’t call anybody. Hal heard from Marco, but I wasn’t about to call anyone. I’m banged up, but fine.’’

  “You could have died.’’

  “I know.’’

  “No,’’ he stresses it, leaning closer above my bed, his face still wearing the traces of his fear. “You could have died out there, Jensen. You always think that you’re on your own on this fucking train wreck you’re on, but you’re not. It’s time you wake up.
’’

  “I was sober, Q. It’s not my fucking fault if a truck changed lanes without signaling.’’

  “I don’t get what you’re doing.’’

  “Quentin,’’ Olivia says softly, grabbing his hand, but it’s too fucking late. I’m seeing red and the poison inside me is ready to burst out. I’m so tired of all of this.

  I sit straighter, barely feeling the pain from moving. I’m too pissed right now. I point at his chest, my hand trembling. “I’m trying to deal with my messed up thoughts, Q. I’ve given up the only thing that was bringing me some fucking peace. What more do you want, huh?’’

  “What are you on about?’’

  “Aideen! Does that ring a bell to ya?’’ I bring my hand back to my face and rub my temple. The headache is coming back with a vengeance. “That girl made me forget, made me feel, made me care about something else, someone else and not because I had to, but because it just was. And do you know who was on my fucking mind just before I blacked out? One guess.’’

  “Aideen,’’ Olivia breathes out.

  “One point for your wife, Q.’’ I’m breathing loudly in the room. My eyes are prickling, but I don’t want to know why, or wonder why my vision is getting all blurry. It’s too humiliating. Instead, I keep my focus on Q and how fast and hard my heart is beating.

  “Do you love her?’’ Olivia asks softly. Her voice has never sounded so soft when directed at me.

  “It doesn’t matter.’’

  “It does, fucker. Are you?’’

  “It’s over between her and me. And—and it’s fucked up anyway. I’m too old and there’s Hal in between.’’

  “You’re not answering,’’ Olivia says, her lips pursed at me.

  Q pats me on my leg, missing one of the bandages by a miracle. “He just did, in a Jensen Lagger kind of way. He loves her.’’

  “Stop, Q. Seriously.’’ I look away, a lump growing in my throat. “I don’t want to talk about this.’’

  “You’ve never been in love like that. I thought it was just an obsession, fucker. But if you love her, truly love her, then it’s a very different thing.’’

  “How, huh? Hal is still my son, he still has feelings for Aideen and I’m still sixteen years older than her. Tell me how it’s any different just because I’ve had a light bulb moment. And what do I have to fucking offer her, huh?’’

  “Jensen,’’ Olivia says, standing up and taking a seat right at my hip, grabbing one of my hands in her smaller ones. Her touch is purely platonic, but it’s the first time she’s ever touched me with what seems like genuine affection. It throws me. “I’ve known you for a short amount of time and I know we’re always bickering, but you’re family. Quentin and I, we both want to see you happy and if Aideen is making you happy then you deserve that. I’m sure that with time it’ll be sorted out and Hal…He’s a good guy. He’ll eventually understand.’’

  “He’s my son. I’ve done one of the worst things a father could do. He’ll never get past it if he ever hears about it. And Aideen…’’ I trail off, my voice getting ready to break, shaking like I haven’t heard it shake often over the years. “Aideen will never do this to him. It would never work for many reasons.’’

  “She has feelings for you, fucker,’’ Q says over his wife’s shoulder.

  “How do you know? You’ve talked a couple of times with her.’’

  “When you two are in the same room it’s pretty obvious, J. I thought it was a sexual tension, attraction or whatever, but now…’’ he rubs at the back of his neck, a twisted expression to his face. “I’m not so sure. You should talk with her instead of feeling sorry for yourself and getting drunk out of you fucking mind.’’

  “I have to see her anyway.’’ I keep seeing the look on her face earlier today. I need to see her even for a few minutes and in plain sight where I can’t grab her hand, kiss her, hug her or lead her to bed. I don’t give a damn. I just want to talk to her for a few minutes and tell her the things I didn’t the last time we had together. I have enough regrets in my life without adding this one. It’d be the one too much for me to bare.

  “Maybe that crash put your brain back together.’’ Q pats my arm and Olivia releases my hand, an adoring smile on her face when she stares at her husband. “Next time you have a problem, call me, fucker. I don’t want to hear about you from someone else.’’

  “It’s a miracle we got here in one piece. At one point I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and be on a bed right next to yours.’’

  I chuckle and groan when waves of pain crash all over me. She quickly jumps to her feet and is out of the room in a flash. Q and I are looking at each other, eyebrows raised and questions written all over each other. But before we can mutter a word, Olivia is back with a nurse and a new bag of clear liquid to add to my IV.

  “Mr. Lagger, visiting hours are almost over. You need rest and some painkillers.’’ The lady smiles at me and quickly works on my IV as Q waves at me and adds a little parting gesture for me; a middle finger. I return the sentiment and nod at Olivia who smiles at me, making me promise to come back for dinner soon.

  ***

  AIDEEN

  I glance down at the boxes of tacos and breathe in the spicy aroma wafting around me as I round the corner of my street. I had a hellish night last night. I kept having nightmares featuring all the important people in my life dying. Each time it was Jensen’s turn and I saw his bike smashing right into the biggest truck I’ve ever seen I’d wake up in a silent scream, tears running down my face. At four in the morning, I gave up and went to the kitchen for some tea and parked myself on my couch with my kindle.

  I look up from the concrete ground and almost let the bag full of tacos fall at my feet. A few feet from me stands Jensen, leaning heavily against the wall and a grimace of pain etched deeply on his face. Even with the thick beard I can see it.

  I run toward him, my stomach in my throat at seeing the ghostly white of his skin. “Jensen!’’

  He turns his head toward me and tries to straighten up, but his breathing staggers. A rivulet of sweat runs down his temple and I don’t think it has anything to do with the heat.

  “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be resting at home, damn it!’’

  He wipes the sweat gathering on his forehead. Even battered and tired and in pain he still is one of the most handsome men I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s also the most rugged one and I’ve never thought it’d be something I’d be into. But I really am.

  Even when worried for him, I can’t help myself from checking him out. His light grey t-shirt hugs his tight and muscular chest and round shoulders a little, just enough to emphasize his muscles. His big arms make me want to crawl into them. His jeans, old and ripped at the knees are sitting low on his tapered hips. I think I actually just licked my lips.

  “I was home all morning. I called a cab as soon as Hal left.’’ He brings a hand to his side, right where I know he busted several ribs. “I needed to see you, beautiful,’’ he says more quietly, his eyes deeply fixed on mine.

  I melt. Of course, I melt. I can’t resist that man and when he calls me beautiful, there’s a war of butterflies in my belly. “You need to sit down. Come on.’’ I shake my head, and open the building’s door and climb the flight of stairs, closely followed by Jensen. His pride makes him grit his teeth to keep out any sounds of pain. He goes slowly, at least slower than usual, but he’s not showing much signs of anything. But I see how much it’s costing him. His eyes are glassy from the pain, his forehead still coated with sweat and his mouth is just a straight line, his lips almost disappearing. I make quick work of unlocking my apartment and lead him to the couch, a hand on his bare forearm. It’s hard to ignore the energy I feel seeping into me, the heat consuming me.

  He sits slowly, more stiff than usual. Once he’s on the couch he releases a big waft of air and lets his head rest on the back for a beat or two.

  “Do you want something to drink? Water?’’r />
  “I don’t need alcohol, if you’re worried, Aideen. I’m doped on painkillers and I’m not a big fan of puking my guts out.’’

  “I wasn’t implying anything.’’ I sit next to him. There’s not much space between us, but I’m careful not to touch him.

  His dark eyes land on the small gap between our legs and his frown deepens. “We both know I drink too much. Let’s not pretend and just be honest.’’

  “You’re coping in the way you feel more comfortable doing. But yes, you’re drinking too much.’’ I tilt my head to one side, not sure where he’s going with it and by being here to see me. What is it? Just having him here and being alone with him when there’s nothing anymore, it hurts.

  “I know.’’ He nods and scratches his beard. I watch his thick fingers and I’m struck with the memory of these fingers playing with my nipples, with these same fingers entering me and bringing me so much pleasure…

  I clear my throat and cross my legs, my eyes now on the bag of tacos on the coffee table. “Want a taco? I ordered way too much.’’

  “You’re inviting me for lunch?’’

  “You’re here and it’s lunchtime. If—if you’re here to say something and go home, just say it. If you’re hungry, then,’’ I say and take a taco and give it to him. He takes it without thinking. “Then eat.’’

  “You don’t look that perturbed to see me.’’ He shakes his head and unwraps his taco, his big hands swallowing it almost completely. “I’m a fucking mess here and you look…’’

  “Remember, I’m good at hiding my feelings.’’ I tentatively take a bite of my taco. It’s good and the flavors are pretty amazing, but I’m not hungry anymore. I’m far too aware of the man sitting on my couch, of the way my whole body answers to his presence and how I’m dying to feel his hands on me instead of watching him cradling the taco and eating it slowly. After the third bite he rewraps it and leans forward with a cringe to put it back in the bag.

  “Don’t hide from me.’’