We Shouldn't and Yet...

by Stephanie Witter

  I’m a fucked up selfish bastard and I don’t deserve him or Aideen. I pad to the couch and sit down. For once, I don’t want to numb the pain with alcohol. I deserve it and I have to feel it.

  “Fuck.’’

  ***

  AIDEEN

  I don’t know who is worse, you or the one posing as my father. —H

  I sigh and finally delete the message. I’ve been reading it for the last half hour, debating between sending a text back or saying nothing. I knew Hal would be pissed, but I thought he’d let me explain. In the end, I’ve tried calling him but his phone is off. And Jensen isn’t answering his either. That worries me even more. I know how he tends to drink when he’s depressed and he must not feel so great right now. I know I am feeling… Actually, I can’t put a word on how I feel.

  “Honey, instead of looking so forlorn at your phone you should go and check on Jensen. I can cook in the meantime. That way we can have a nice dinner the three of us.’’

  I hesitate. I don’t know if I’d be intruding to go there and fetch Jensen. Maybe he needs some time for himself. “No, thank you. I don’t think he’d be up for company.’’

  “Men don’t often ask for comfort.’’

  “You think I should go?’

  She shrugs and opens the fridge, her eyes scanning what’s there and what kind of recipe she can do. “I don’t know him, but from what he said and the way he looks at you I think it’s easy to guess that your presence and reassurance would help.’’

  “Mom…I’m not good at that. Reassuring someone…’’

  “Give yourself some credit, honey. Go see him. I think you need him too. You’re both at odds with Hal.’’

  I nod and hug her briefly when she closes the fridge with vegetables in her hands. “Thank you for coming here.’’

  “You’re welcome, honey. I needed that mother/daughter moment too. I’m glad my timing is spot on.’’

  I grab my keys and put on my black flats left by the front door. My heart beats faster and in the throes of pain and sadness from hurting Hal, I also feel happy. It’s at odds with the rest of this mess, but I really am happy. I love a man who loves me back. We made a choice in sticking to our feelings, and now we need to cling to each other until the tempest recedes. I don’t regret it and I don’t feel any guilt. I fell in love and I can’t explain it or rationalize it. I just fell madly in love. That can’t be a crime or held against me forever. I hope.

  ***

  JENSEN

  I don’t move from the couch when I hear knocking at the door. I don’t even look up when it opens. I keep my eyes on the coffee table, not seeing the damn thing. I don’t see anything, don’t feel much other than confusion, fear and pain. I’ve lost my son and I’m too fucking scared to move a damn muscle and risk losing Aideen too.

  I’m fucking paralyzed by fear.

  “Jensen?’’ Her voice seems to come from afar. I frown and shiver. “Shit, Jensen. What’s wrong?’’ She kneels in front of me, her hands flat on my corded thighs, her face tilted up at me, her eyes bright and huge. My world is right there, in front of me. How can I not be paralyzed by fear? “Answer me! You’re scaring me.’’

  I can’t find my voice, but my arms move toward her, and I cup her face. My hands swallow her face. I let my thumbs caress her skin, feel her lips slightly parted. I swallow thickly when her hands go to my chest. They’re like a balm to my wounds. She’s my fucking medicine and she’s a miracle.

  “If I lose you, I’ll lose myself. I told you I’d be your pillar, but maybe…maybe that’s not true.’’

  “What are you talking about? You’re not losing me.’’

  I take a deep breath and revel in the smell of her, the fruity scent that seems to always follow her. “I will. I always lose everybody I care about. I ruin everything, Aideen. Every-fucking-thing.’’

  “Stop—‘’

  “No, listen,’’ I interrupt her, making sure to keep her face there, right in front of me where she can’t escape the honest, raw truth. “I will ruin it. I will lose you. Look how it all started between us. Any self-respecting man wouldn’t have done something like this. One day you’ll see me as the bastard, the fuck up I am and you’ll leave. And then, I’ll have nobody else.’’ Fear steals my next breath, but I don’t fight it. I let it consume me and I let her see it play out on my face, in my eyes.

  She balls my shirt and tugs me closer to her. My nose bumps into hers. “You listen. I love you and when I love someone I don’t change my mind at the first obstacle. You have me completely and I will not go unless you want me to. I’m in love with you like I never thought I’d be in love in my life. You can tell me whatever you want about you not being worth it or deserving what happened with Hal, in the army or any other shitty thing, but you didn’t. You’re my Jensen and in my eyes you’re worth a lot more than you think. A lot more. You can break down, you can need me to get you back on your feet, you can loath yourself for the mess with Hal, but I’ll still be right here, by your side.’’

  I breathe again, but it hurts. She can say this and be honest, I know she is, but it’s not changing how I perceive everything and how fucking scared I am of losing her. I’ve lost her once and it killed me on the inside. Now and onward I don’t know how it’d devastate me, but it’d be terrible. I’ve lost too much already in my life.

  “I’m…’’

  “Scared. I am too.’’

  I rest my forehead against hers. “Why are you?’’

  “Because I could lose you too. You could think that I’m too young at some point. You could think that we’re not on the same page anymore and move on without me. It’s scary because we can’t be sure of what will happen in our future, but that doesn’t mean I want to be a coward and not jump right in.’’

  “Hal, he…’’ I trail off, my voice breaking. Damn, I can’t believe I’m finally feeling like a father. Right when I’ve lost him. “He’ll never talk to me again, beautiful.’’

  “Just give him time. You told me yourself it’d take time.’’

  “You didn’t see him. He was…furious and so fucking hurt. I betrayed him and his trust. I’m his father!’’

  I pull back and lean back on the couch. I bring my forearm over my eyes. The couch next to me caves a bit and her hands go back on me, one on my thigh and the other one on my stomach. It feels good to have her right there, next to me, touching me, comforting me. It feels natural and right. That’s why this fucking mess is so complex.

  “Would you feel better if I had been the one to make the first move?’’

  “I don’t know.’’ After a second I add, “I don’t think so.’’

  “Jensen, we were attracted to each other right away. I believe that we would have been together at some point down the road. Hal or not.’’

  I lower my arm and put it around her shoulder, bringing her against me. I need to feel her more. I have her now, maybe I should focus on what I have right here rather than on what I don’t have anymore and what I will probably lose at one point. My Aideen is here, in my arms and she’s given me her beautiful heart. “He doesn’t deserve it.’’

  “No, he doesn’t.’’ She puts her head on my chest. “And yet we deserve to be happy and find love, don’t you think?’’

  “I don’t understand why you’re not a mess. You were so afraid about the fallout with Hal. What changed?’’

  “I’m hurt that he’s hurt because of us, I’m scared that I’ve lost my closest friend and I’m afraid that your relationship with him will always be different from now on, but I love you too much. I’ve let you go for my parents and Hal’s sake and it had hurt me beyond anything I thought possible. And then potential death made a come back in my life and put everything into perspective. I could have lost you forever and I know I wouldn’t have recovered. I wouldn’t have wanted too, either. It outweighs everything else. I have a right to be happy too. We have that right.’’

  My heart fucking melts in my chest. Damn, it’s something
I never thought happened to men, even less to a man like me. But I melt at her words. I hug her tighter and take a deep cleansing breath. Her discreet perfume calms me some more, pushing back the fear. It’s still there, lingering, but I’m getting my bearings back. Slowly.

  “My last thought before I blacked out was of you.’’

  Her hand on my stomach spasms. “Really?’’

  I nod, my chin rubbing against the top of her head. My whiskers scratch in her hair. “Yeah. I pictured your smile and your big hazel eyes. Nothing else mattered, you know. Nothing. I’m not so sure it’s healthy.’’

  She chuckles against my chest, her hot breath raising goosebumps on my skin, right under my shirt. “I’m not even sure I know what a healthy relationship is like. I’ve spent years with my best friend turned lover who was going through a severe depression and who had a hard time accepting his sexual needs and his sexual attraction toward me, or my sexual needs for that matter. Now, I’m with a man a lot older than me and I’m caught up in lust and love to the point of being ready to discard anyone and anything else. I don’t think I’m the best choice if you want healthy.’’

  I frown down at her and gently tug on her hair to tilt her face upward. I lock eyes with her and see the embarrassed light in her eyes. I run a thumb along her cheekbone, and sigh upon feeling her soft skin against mine. “Does that bother you? The difference between what you had with Yann and what it’s like with me?’’

  “No, it’s unsettling, that’s all. It’s strange to be able to completely let go and think of nothing but my feelings for you and how good it is when you kiss me, touch me, or when you’re inside me. It’s new and somehow when I reflect on this it’s unsettling and overwhelming.’’

  I let my thumb run along her lower lip slightly fuller than her top one. My eyes stay on her mouth, mesmerized by her pink tongue peeking out to taste my finger in a way that would appear almost innocent but is insanely sexy. My dick stirs in my pants. “I’ve never felt something like this either, beautiful. Usually sex is just a release, fun or a means to an end. I don’t normally care much about the woman I’m with as fucking awful as it sounds.’’ I cringe at my own words and the truth in them. But Aideen doesn’t push me away. Instead her fingers trace the ridges of my abs and I relax. Though, another part of me hardens damn fast and eager. “I’ve never been obsessed or intrigued by a woman before meeting you. Just a look your way and I was a goner. It’s crazy.’’

  “I know.’’ She opens her mouth and lightly bites the pad of my thumb, a spark I know all too well in her eyes. When I feel her teeth on my skin I fucking gasp. My cock hardens more, making me rock hard in seconds. “You made me crazy, too. I didn’t know what was wrong with me for feeling so much attraction toward you. I mean, you were a huge prick sometimes.’’

  “More than sometimes. And I will be a huge prick again.’’ I smile and lean into her, but right before our lips finally touch again, I hear the door open. We both split like we’ve been electrocuted. I’m out of breath and one look Aideen’s way and I know she’s not much better. Her eyes are open wide, huge like saucers. Her mouth is open in a small surprised ‘o’ and that look would make my dick jump eagerly in my pants at the image of these lips around it if only the situation was different.

  “Oh, did I interrupt something? Damn, you sure are moving fast, huh?’’ Hal says, leaning heavily against the wall, his keys dangling from his limp fingers. His slurred words clash into each other.

  I stand up and Aideen mirrors me. She takes a step toward him, but he shakes his head, glaring at her. “Don’t come closer, Aideen. I really don’t want to see you right now.’’ He drops the keys to the floor, but doesn’t realize it. “For all I know you two had a quickie this afternoon and I really don’t want to touch you even with a ten foot pole.’’

  “Hal, stop it now. You’re drunk,” I say.

  Aideen shakes her head and looks away from my son. She’s tense again and I hate to see her pained like this. All I want is to protect her, but it’s our own fucking mess. There’s nothing I can protect her from, I can just try and make some damage control. After all, this is not her fault. It’s mine. I’m the oldest in the house, I’m the father and I’m supposed to be a fucking role model. It’s laughable at this point.

  “I’m drunk.’’ He nods and unsteadily walks to the armchair. He lets himself fall in it and sighs. “I guess the apple didn’t fall that far from the tree, right? I mean, you’re a drunk too and yet you’re the one with the girl. Shit, daddy dearest, maybe you’re onto something. Now, knowing that you’re screwing the girl that should be mine doesn’t make me want to puke as bad. I just want to laugh.’’

  “Hal, we should talk. You didn’t—‘’

  “What makes you think I want to talk to ya?’’ He hiccups and rubs at his eyes, as if he’s not seeing us that well. I would be surprised considering that he smells like a brewery. “With your innocent act, your sweet smile and all that…you really had me there, Aideen.’’

  “It wasn’t an act.’’

  I shake my head at her, trying to tell her to drop it. He’s drunk. It’s useless to try and have a real talk with him when he’s out of his mind drunk. Nothing good can come out of this. But she ignores me. I turn away and walk to the kitchen, ready to pour a big ass glass with cold water and snatch an Advil or two for Hal. My feet are heavy and the weight on my shoulders, that same weight Aideen was successfully starting to alleviate is back. I run a hand along my jaw.

  It’s the first time I truly see myself in Hal and it’s when he’s drunk and an ass.

  AIDEEN

  I keep an eye on Jensen as he walks in the kitchen, but focus on his son too. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not afraid that Jensen is going to grab a bottle and join his son in this drinking fest. I’m already surprised that he wasn’t drunk when I arrived. It sounds awful, but I know how he copes.

  “Hal, I’m sorry.’’ I go back to the couch when I see Jensen turn on the water and grab a tall glass. I relax some.

  Hal snorts and his glare goes back to me, pinning me there. I feel small and filthy under his scrutiny. I see his feelings toward me, his thoughts regarding my relationship with his father and I can’t deny that it hurts. Pretty badly so. I hate hurting people, disappointing them. Hal has been a constant in my life since we’ve met in college at that dumb party. He’s always been so understanding, ready to cheer me up when I was missing Yann too much or when I was trying to shoulder some of my mother’s pain.

  “Are you, really?’’ His head is on the back of the armchair now. I’m not sure if he has it in him to keep it up without any help. His eyelids are heavy.

  “I’m sorry that we’re hurting you and that we went behind your back, yes.’’

  “But not for bein’ with him,’’ he mumbles, barely articulating his words.

  I lean closer to make sure I don’t misunderstand him. “Hal…’’

  “Answer me. Explain to me how you can be bangin’ my father.’’

  I swallow thickly and glance back to the kitchen. Jensen is waiting there, a glass in one hand, his other one closed over what I assume is some pills. His eyes are on us, clouded over by a storm of emotions. Even when I know Hal is deeply hurt from this, I can see how Jensen is more intense, more raw than Hal. It’s crazy how that single fact attracts me.

  “I fell in love with him.’’

  “Really? Just like that?’’ He rubs at his eyes again. “From grieving to loving. You sure go ‘round pretty damn fast.’’

  I look down at my hands clasping my knees. I push back the pain from his words. I know he’s trying to hit a nerve and somehow he’s right. All of this is pretty damn fast. “I know. I can’t explain it or…I’d apologize again, Hal, but it won’t change a thing.’’

  “Then don’t. Just shut up.’’ He straightens up at best. “I have feelings for you and he knew it from the start. And you’re still with him.’’

  “We tried to—‘’

  “That�
�s right, you’re a ‘we’ now.’’

  “Hal, either you let me talk or not. Your choice.’’

  “I don’t see what you could say that’d change a damn thing. My own father betrayed me and my pretend best friend, the girl I want to be with, is fuckin’ my father and is in love with him.’’

  I stand up abruptly, my heart beating hard in my chest. “You think it’s easy for us? You think we’re glad that we’re hurting you? Shit, Hal, can’t you see that we tried to stop this from happening? But Jensen and I love each other. It’s not something we planned, it’s not something we’re even comfortable with, but it’s there. It’s fucking there!’’ I scream that last sentence. Hal is staring at me, mouth open. “It’s not going away and when we’re together everything is falling into place. We’re not hurting, we can be happy. Do you know what it’s like to truly feel alive again because of someone? Do you know what it’s like to need someone, to need to see someone and touch them, hug them or just need to see their smile or feel their eyes on you? Do you know what it’s like to know that it’s bad, that it’s going to be a real mess but not being able to not be with that someone? It’s consuming, it’s crazy and it’s so damn beautiful, Hal. Jensen and I…it’s the best thing in my life and I’ve never felt that way. Ever. Don’t you think we have a right to have this? Because what you feel for me, it’ll fade away and you’ll meet that someone that will make you feel what Jensen makes me feel. Maybe then you’ll understand and then maybe you’ll forgive us.’’