We Shouldn't and Yet...

by Stephanie Witter

  He looks away, and sighs. He visibly deflates and I see the anger in him leave. “I can’t forget.’’

  “I know you can’t, but can you forgive?’’

  He shakes his head and stands up on wobbly legs. He sways and I make a move to help him stand up, but he glares at me again and grips the back of the armchair. Jensen walks back to us with the glass of water, but Hal turns his back to us. It’s simple and without a word, but it conveys everything in this situation and my stomach drops. I see Jensen’s hands shake out of the corner of my eye. I wrap an arm around his tapered waist, seeking comfort and offering him some. He immediately snakes his arm around my shoulders, keeping his hand closed around the pills.

  “I’m leavin’ tomorrow mornin’.’’

  “What?’’ Jensen croaks out.

  “I’m visitin’ my family for a few days.’’ He accentuates the word ‘family’ as if to better ostracize Jensen from it. I feel him slouch against me and I don’t know what to say to make it better. “I’ll be back in a few days to grab my stuff and I’m movin’ out. I don’t want to stay here.’’

  I look up at Jensen and see his throat working, but he’s not saying a word. Right before Hal starts climbing the stairs I ask what we both probably want to know.

  “Are you leaving town?’’

  “I can’t lose my job.’’ He looks at us over his shoulder, his glare still firmly on his face. It only gets darker when he takes in the way Jensen and I are entwined. But we don’t move away from each other. What’s the point anymore,. “You two aren’t worth it.’’

  Jensen opens his hand and grips my shoulder tightly. He stops breathing and his jaw works under his scruff. He won’t look at me, but I see the wetness in his eyes and that makes it harder to take. “It’ll be okay, Jensen.’’

  He shakes his head. “How? I hate myself right now.’’

  “Do you hate us?’’

  “No.’’ He closes his eyes and a small tear falls and gets lost in his beard. I snuggle closer to him and close my eyes too. I need to push the world away for a few seconds. “But I hate myself.’’

  “I love you enough to counter it.’’ I wrap my other arm around him and hug him with everything I have, with everything I feel and am. “Tell me you don’t doubt that.’’

  “I don’t.’’ He kisses the top of my head and my heart swells. “My feelings for you are the only thing I’m sure of. I love you, beautiful. You’re the one keeping me standing right now.’’

  “And you’re the one making me feel alive.’’

  ***

  JENSEN

  “You should rest, Jensen,’’ Aideen says as I stand and start doing the dishes.

  “I’m fine.’’ I smile at her over my shoulder, but I know it’s a smile in name only. I’m far too bruised from what happened a few hours ago with my son. During dinner I didn’t talk much and I’m thankful for Aideen’s mother who didn’t seem to mind my brooding ass.

  “I don’t get why you can’t sit on the damn couch and rest.’’ She crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes on me. She’s so cute and sexy when she’s mad it’s a wonder I’m not already on her, losing myself in her like I desperately need right now.

  “Ah, honey, leave him alone,’’ Aideen’s mother butts in with a kind smile for me. It’s quite a feat considering the way we met earlier, right after her daughter and I had had sex. “Jensen, why don’t you let Aideen do the dishes so we can chat a little.’’

  I turn back around to hide my cringe. She a nice lady and it’s obvious she cares a lot about her daughter, but chatting with my girl’s mother isn’t exactly high on my list today. I’ve had enough ups and downs these past two days. I take a deep breath and groan through my gritted teeth when my bitchy ribs make themselves known again. I bring a hand to my ribcage.

  “Alright, that’s enough. Go with my mom,’’ Aideen says and gently pushes me away from the dirty dishes piled in the kitchen sink.

  I held up my hands and lean down to kiss her quickly on the lips. I want to linger and taste her, but I know if I deepen the kiss I won’t be able to stop there. I don’t think her mother likes me enough to enjoy the show just yet.

  I yawn and walk to the couch where Aideen’s mother is already sitting, still a gentle smile on her face. I know she’s aware of how it went with Hal. The two O’Leary women didn’t hide well enough their quick chat in the kitchen when Aideen and I came back from my place earlier. I suppose she’s giving me some slack right now.

  I rub my eyes and fight the bone weary tiredness I feel. I lean farther back in the couch and fidget until I finally find a position that doesn’t hurt my ribs too much.

  “How are you feeling?’’ Mrs. O’Leary shakes her head and gestures at my ribs. “I don’t mean these.’’

  Hal.

  I swallow past the lump in my throat and break eye contact. “I’m…I’ve known better.’’

  She nods and puts a hand on my forearm. The comforting touch surprises me. I look down at her small hand, looking a lot like Aideen’s if a bit thicker and obviously older. “Life is tough and something tells me it’s nothing new for you.’’

  I snort tiredly and nod. “You can say that again.’’

  “And you know how to push through tough times, otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting here in the living room of the woman you love and are fighting to be with.’’

  I frown and look back at her again. She looks tired too and this time I truly see how much work it’s asking for her to smile and move on from her grief. This woman knows what it’s like to be trapped inside her own pain and I have a feeling we are on the same page this time. She’s not judging me and for this I’m thankful. It’s a big change from when she convinced Aideen to leave my ass.

  “I think I truly realized Hal is my son when I lost him.’’ My voice is rough and you’d have to be deaf not to hear the pain in there.

  “Ah, let me tell you a little something from one parent to another. Even when it seems desperate, your child will always be your child. He’ll come back to you when he’s ready and your role is to be there for him when he needs you.’’

  “But Hal and I…’’ I shake my head and squash the rising hope at her words. “We’ve known each other for a very short time. I’m not his family.’’

  “Don’t underestimate your son. People have a way of surprising you.’’ She pats my forearm and stands up. “He needs time, that’s all.’’ I watch her grab her purse on the floor next to the armchair and shoulder it. “Aideen, I’m heading to the inn now. I think the trip is finally taking its toll on me.’’

  Aideen quickly walks back in the living room and goes straight to her mother to hug her. I watch my girl smile as her mother closes her arms around her to embrace her tightly. I know she hurts too from Hal and his harsh words, but she shows her strength again. She’s soldiering on, showing me she’s here for me. She’s a breathtaking woman and an inspiring human being. I can only better myself to be worth her time.

  Both women part and Aideen’s mother surprises me when I stand up slowly when my ribs keep on bothering me and she quickly offers me a comforting hug before she leaves.

  “She likes you,’’ Aideen says as she joins me back on the couch and curls up next to me.

  I wrap an arm around her thin shoulders and pull her into me until her head is tucked under my chin. Damn, I never thought holding a woman like this could be so peaceful, so simple and yet so fulfilling in everything that it implies. It’s not just that we’re dating that warms me and chases away some of my dark thoughts. We’re in this together. I’m not alone, I have a reason to get better. I can have new goals in my life and aspire to more than I’ve ever let myself aspire to. She represents love and possibilities.

  “She’s nice. I didn’t think she’d be so nice to me.’’

  “She can see how important you are to me and she saw how important I am to you. That’s all she wants.’’

  “Your happiness.’’ I kiss the top of her
head. “That’s what I should have been focusing on with Hal.’’

  “It’s not like you went out of your way to find something that would hurt him. You’re not a bad person so stop painting yourself like one. I hate it when you do that.’’

  I look down and see her eyes closed. With her hand she traces small patterns on my abs and while it’s arousing and would have me ready to jump on her in a heartbeat at another time, I just take the time to enjoy her touch, the intimacy of having her against me like this. We’re not in a hurry to get our fill of each other because we have all the time we want now.

  “I wonder what my father would have told me if he was still alive,’’ I break the silence and run my hand along her bare arm. I love feeling her smooth skin so soft under my fingers.

  “What was he like?’’

  “He was…’’ I trail off for a few seconds, remembering the strong man that I used to butt heads with for most of my life. A pang hits me in my chest, another pain awakened to add to my already tall pile of pains. “He was a hard worker. He had a garage in town. We weren’t exactly rich, but I think he’s the reason why I like working on cars and bikes. Before my mother left he was really lively if a bit rough around the edges. But when she left, he clammed up and became a bit distant. I started acting out more and more so we used to fight a lot.’’

  “You told me he was proud of you though.’’

  “Yeah,’’ I reply in a whisper. “And then he worried a lot when he saw me slipping into a sort of depression. I think he felt responsible because he knew I joined the army to make him proud, to prove him I wasn’t throwing away my life. I don’t regret that choice and…’’ My throat closes up more. “I really miss my old man right now. I’d do well with some tough advice and his no holds barred approach of things. He used to seem so strong. I never thought he’d die of a heart attack quite like this. He was the kind of man you’d think he’d out live everybody.’’

  “I would have loved to have met him. Something tells me you’re a lot like him.’’

  I smile and kiss the top of her head again. “I’m pretty sure he’d have loved you. I’ll show you some pictures one of these days.’’

  “I’d like that.’’ She turns her head into my chest and kisses me there over my shirt.

  Two months later…

  JENSEN

  I park Aideen’s car in the driveway of the white house and take a deep breath. I lean over the steering wheel and take in the place where she grew up.

  “You’ve been very quiet over the last hour. Are you tired?’’ Aideen squeezes my thigh and I put a hand over hers, keeping her there. I love it when she touches me, even when it’s very innocent.

  “I’m fine.’’

  “Jensen?’’

  I look at her and wryly smile at her. I run a hand in my beard and curse myself for listening to her plea for not shaving this morning. I know she loves it, loves to feel my facial hair against her skin, but I’m spending the weekend with her parents. If there’s not a time when I should be fucking presentable…

  “I’m meeting your father for the first time and the last time I saw your mother was when…’’

  “When you told Hal. I know.’’

  We both get lost in our thoughts for a few minutes, still hurt from that day. Hal is still not talking to me, but he wished a happy birthday to Aideen a couple of weeks ago. It was a simple text, but it gave her hope. I’m happy for her, but I fucking miss my son. My only kid is not in my life anymore and there’s a fucking missing piece in my chest. That hole is gaping and painful, but my beautiful woman is here to make it better. I’m too damn lucky considering what my life had been like so far. I never thought I’d say I’m a lucky bastard, but I truly am.

  “Do you think your father is going to threaten me or something?’’

  “Threaten you? What are you talking about? They’re not the mafia.’’

  I chuckle and open my door, quickly rounding the car to open hers. I wrap her in my arms and hug her to me. Even now when I feel her breasts against my chest, her hands on my back, not that far from my ass and her face is tilted up toward mine and I see her big smile and her eyes so bright looking at me, I both want to worship her and make love to her until we both collapse. I can’t get enough of her.

  “He’s your father. I mean, he must not be glad that I’m, you know.’’ I make a face and kiss her forehead before she pulls back and leads me to the trunk. I quickly grab her bag and my duffle bag and give her the keys to her car.

  “He’s curious to meet you. Other than that I can’t really tell you how he’s going to be. It’s not like I’ve had a long string of boyfriends.’’

  “Good.’’ I shoulder my duffle and take her hand as she starts to lead us toward the house.

  My hands are clammy and I know she’s aware of it. It’s an obvious clue of my nerves, but she doesn’t call me out on it. Yet. I’m so rusty with the whole boyfriend-parents meeting shit and I really want them to see that I care about their daughter, that I love her. She’s the love of my life after all. There’s one good thing though; since Mrs. O’Leary’s visit she’s been rather supportive of our relationship so there’s at least one person I don’t have to worry too much about.

  Right before we reach the front door it opens and I gulp. Aideen releases my hand and runs to her father who wraps her in his arms, patting her back gently. I’m standing there like an idiot with her bag and my duffle, fidgeting and unsure as to how I should say hi. I mean, it’s just a fucking hello! But I’m tongue tied. It’s pretty pathetic at my age.

  “I’ve missed you, Baby Bear. Sorry I couldn’t make it when your mother up and left to visit you.’’

  “I’ve missed you too.’’ She kisses his cheek and turns back to me. Her smile is radiant and the look in her eyes is pure love. And a hint of lust too. That puts me a little more at ease and I walk to her father whose eyes are taking me in very slowly, going from my battered old biker boots, my washed out denim, thankfully without any holes in them, my new shirt—a gift from Aideen for the occasion—to finally settle on my unshaved face. His eyebrows arch up and he looks back at his daughter with a smile.

  “He doesn’t look like I thought he would. Come in.’’ He shakes my hand and turns around to walk back in. Aideen and I exchange a questioning look and I let her go in before me. I close the door behind me and follow her through a nice and cozy living room where I set our bags on the floor near the threshold and walk into the family kitchen. It smells good and my stomach grumbles, but only my girl hears it and pinches my stomach. At least, she tries to find something to take a hold of, but she fails. She glares at my abs, but I know that as soon as I strip off my shirt, it’ll be the first place she’s going to touch and kiss.

  “Jensen, it’s good to see you again,’’ Aideen’s mother says as she kisses her daughter’s cheek before hugging me quickly, taking me by surprise. I belatedly pat her back and make a face at Aideen who smirks at me.

  “It’s…uh…good to see you again too.’’ I run a hand through my beard and glance at both parents. “Thank you for having me for the weekend.’’

  “I wanted to meet you,’’ her father says and opens the fridge, showing me a beer bottle to ask me if I’m interested.

  “No, thank you. Water would be good, though.’’

  Aideen comes back to me and wraps an arm around my waist and kisses my shoulder. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol since the day I told Hal about us. It’s hard, sometimes it’s a real pain and in turn I’m acting out, but it’s good for me, and good for my girl. It’s time I fucking clean up my life and alcohol is good shit to get rid of. Also, it was a stipulation from Q and Olivia upon asking me to be their baby’s godfather. Apparently, being in love makes me a pussy because I hugged Q for a solid five minutes and almost teared up when they had Aideen and I over for dinner a month ago.

  “Come outside with me,’’ Aideen’s father says, not beating around the bush. I nod and fake a smile that makes Aideen laugh ag
ainst me. She discreetly squeezes my ass and pushes me to follow her father out the kitchen door leading to the garden. Outside the sun is quickly disappearing. The tall trees have menacing shadows on the ground. I can barely make out the green of the grass. I follow Aideen’s father to the table and he sits across from me. I sip some water, hoping that it’ll ease some of my nerves. “From the way my daughter was in there I take it things are going great right now.’’

  “Yes, sir. Aideen is wonderful and I know I’m very lucky. I—‘’

  “Don’t play the perfect boyfriend act with me, Jensen.’’ He sighs and takes a sip of his beer. I feel parched, even with my glass of water. I crave that beer for my nerves alone. “I’m aware of the way that relationship started. I want honesty here. Can you give me that?’’

  The man stares me down and even though I’m taller, I have several pounds on him and I’m bigger than him, I actually am ready to shit my pants. The father look warning off men from their daughters is actually pretty scary.

  “Uh…I love your daughter.’’ I clear my throat and look down at my hand clasped around the glass. “I’m sure you have no respect for me whatsoever. In your shoes I wouldn’t have any, but I can assure you that I’m doing all I can to be worthy of your daughter. I…believe me, I’d love for it to be easier than it is. She’s lost a very close friend and I’ve lost my son.’’ My voice breaks and I clear it again. My eyes start to prick. “But I love her. I want to be everything she needs me to be, I want her to lean on me when she needs to, I want to support her and share a life with her. I’m not acting. I truly and completely love your daughter.’’

  I look back up and meet his eyes. He nods once.

  “She’s happy, I see that.’’

  “But?’’

  “But I don’t like how it started and, I’m sorry but you’re not the choice I’d make for my daughter.’’

  “I can’t blame you there.’’ I shake my head and glance back at the house. Aideen and her mother are watching from the window. I see her mother’s arm around her shoulder. I smile reassuringly at my girl, but it’s painful to my cheeks. Fuck, I hope she doesn’t see how fake it is. “I’m getting real close to hitting forty, I’ve got an adult son who I’ve discovered recently and I fucked it up royally in a matter of months. I’m also not exactly boyfriend material and I look more like a bar goer than a model citizen. Obviously I’m not the perfect pick.’’ I cringe when I realize that I’ve dropped a curse. “And I also swear like a sailor.’’