Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  “Izzy. I’m homeless. I start a new job tomorrow. That’s where you come in. I need a favor. Just listen and hear me out before you give me an answer. All I ask is for you to consider what I’m about to say.”

  I turned down the heat in the frying pan, popped the toast down in the toaster, and added some shredded cheese on top of the eggs. I didn’t want the eggs to burn, but I wanted to give my full attention to Dane. Something told me that this was about to get interesting.

  “Let me finish your eggs and then you can have my full attention.” I filled a glass with some orange juice just as his toast was popping up. I buttered the toast and delivered the meal to my customer. Ok, customers probably paid. Never mind.

  Dane stared at the food and then looked up at me. “Thank you, Izzy,” he whispered.

  I got a bowl of cereal, poured the milk, and sat down next to him. I was waiting for him to tell me that he “starts his new job tomorrow” for the hundredth time and get down to asking me whatever was on his mind. Unfortunately, he was too busy wolfing down the food to do any talking. He was ravenous. I stared while he took bite after bite at warp speed. He was going to choke and then I would have a dead man sitting at my kitchen table. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

  He finally stopped long enough to get a drink of juice and I said, “You have me on the edge of my seat. Finish telling me what favor you need.”

  He took a deep breath. “I talked to the guy in charge of hiring for the factory and he explained that they had three welding positions open. I guess they have a hard time keeping employees. There aren’t that many people going into the skilled trades anymore. When I was able to answer his questions and prove that I knew the difference between a grinder and a clamp, he hired me on the spot. The thing is…he wanted a social security number and a contact address and phone number.”

  “Oh. What did you do?”

  “I lied. I told him that I just moved to town to stay with my sister because there was an unfortunate house fire where I used to live and my sister was kind enough to take me in. I told him that I didn’t have my social security number memorized, but I would try to call and get a replacement card. I told him that my phone melted in the fire but I would be getting a new one as soon as I could.”

  “Did he catch on to your lies or did he buy your story?”

  “He bought it. I laid it on thick. I’m irresistible when I want to be,” Dane explained and winked at me. I rolled my eyes. Spare me.

  “Anyway, get to the part where you’re going to ask me for a favor.”

  “He fell for the part about the fire destroying my phone and my personal documents, but he demanded I give him the address where my sister lived. I gave him the only address in town that I knew, which would be yours. He thinks I’m staying with you and there’s a good chance he might stop in to check that out. He was going on and on about trusting his employees because they were the lifeblood of the factory or some other bullshit that I tried to tune out. I don’t care. I just want something that pays more than six dollars an hour and a piece of shit slimy ham sandwich for lunch.”

  “So what happens when he comes to my house and you’re not here? You want me to lie for you? Oh what tangled webs we weave…”

  “No, your highness. I would never ask you to lie. But I would like you to do me a favor and let me stay here.”

  What? Hell no! Is he out of his mind? I started to voice my disapproval of this new plan of his, but Dane interrupted me.

  “Just hear me out. This can be mutually beneficial. I need a place to stay for a little while. It’s just until I get a few paychecks and have a couple bucks in my pocket. Payroll at this place is every week. I’ll have enough cash to find somewhere else to stay in three weeks at the most. But I don’t expect you to do this out of the kindness of your heart. I’d be willing to help you in return.”

  Ooh. Now we’re getting to the good part. What did he think he had to offer me? He wouldn’t even kiss me last night, so I highly doubted he was going to offer to be my love slave. I wonder what one DID with a love slave anyway. I think I’m more of a submissive type. He could dominate me in bed. That’s an option. I bet he could teach me things. Things I’ve never even thought of in my wildest fantasies. Yeah, right. He’d laugh at my inexperience. I’m sure wild Winter would be more his type.

  “Izzy, you’re spacing out. Come back to earth.”

  “I’m here. I’m just wondering what you could possibly have to offer me.” Besides your body. Your scorching hot, delicious body.

  “I’m good with my hands….” Dane started. What? Did he just really say that out loud? He WAS offering his body!

  “…and I can fix anything that you need me to fix. It seems like half the stuff in your house is broken. Your washing machine doesn’t work, your faucet leaks, you have to jiggle the toilet handle, something’s wrong with the garbage disposal. Your car needs spark plugs too. I’d be willing to do everything that needs to be done, and in return you let me stay here. I won’t get in your way. If you need to have any visitors over, just let me know and I’ll go for a long walk or something.”

  I’m pretty sure that Winter and Monica would want to meet him and he wouldn’t have to go for a walk. I must have looked confused because he continued explaining.

  “And you don’t have to worry that I’ll bring any guests here, either. Trust me, getting laid is the last thing on my mind right now.” Wait, what?

  “THAT’S what you meant about visitors coming over? You think I bring guys back to my house to screw for a few hours and then send them on their way? What’s the matter with you? Do I run a whore house now? Do you think I’ll have a red bandana tied to the doorknob and it means that it’s not safe to come in because I’m entertaining a gentleman caller?” I felt my eyes widen in disbelief with each sentence that poured out of my mouth. Of all the nerve!

  “No, no, no. I just mean that you won’t have to worry about anything being awkward,” he explained. I’d say it’s pretty damn awkward already.

  “What kind of girl do you think I am?” I asked, starting to get pissed off.

  “I think you’re the kind of girl that takes in a stranger who has no place else to go and feeds him two warm meals. I think you’re the kind of girl who takes in an abandoned dog and gives it lame frou-frou nicknames. I think you’re the kind of girl that cares about other people. Thank you for the toothbrush and the other stuff you put in my bag. You didn’t have to do that,” he said quietly.

  “If I take you in, and this is a big IF because I haven’t made up my mind yet, you’re going to have to start talking. I want answers and they better not be lies. I want to know who you really are and why you’re homeless. By the looks of you, I’d guess you haven’t been down on your luck for very long. I want to know what you’re running from, and I want to know NOW.”

  He looked me straight in the eye and poured out his story.

  “I’ll be honest, because I have no reason to lie to you. My name is Dane Murphy. In my old life I worked with cars. Due to me being stupid, I blew the engine on my ride and I needed five grand for a new one. This was no ordinary engine, it had some extras on it. So my buddy Spider got me a job with some shady people. Let me be perfectly clear that I was not doing anything illegal. All I did was act as a driver for them and wait in the car.”

  I could tell he didn’t want to elaborate on too many details. He kept pausing before and after sentences like he was carefully measuring just how much I needed to know.

  “Whatever business they were up to,” Dane continued, “something went wrong. I witnessed a…crime….and it was not anything I could go to the cops to report. In my neighborhood it would get you killed in no time flat if you turned into a rat. So I had no choice but to run. I need you to understand that I personally did nothing wrong. I just saw something that I shouldn’t have, and certain people would be very interested in finding out what I saw. They might like to question me and it probably wouldn�
�t go very well.” Dane looked at me to see if I was reading between the lines and understanding what he was saying.

  “So you saw a crime of some sort and the perps want to know how much you know. If you go to the cops, you’ll get whacked?”

  “You watch a lot of TV, don’t you?” Dane asked.

  “Yes, I like to catch a crime show every now and then. It helps to kill the time while I’m waiting for my next John to show up and knock on the door to the brothel that I’m apparently running at my house.”

  Dane gave me a cocky smile and said, “You hold a grudge, don’t you? You like to ride my ass over every single comment.” I nodded my head. Pretty much.

  “Anyway, I went on the run and I have to lay low for a little while. I called Spider to tell him what happened and I hopped a bus out of town. He gave me the address of his cousin here in Iowa, but her boyfriend slammed the door in my face before I could even explain who I was. You don’t need to worry about anyone coming here looking for me, because no one has any clue where I am. I couldn’t go back to my apartment to get anything, so that’s why the only stuff I have is in the bag that I showed you yesterday. I spent any money that I had on the cheap hotel and food. I have no way to pay you for anything. I just want to be upfront about that. I spent thirty bucks on cab fare today, which leaves me a grand total of forty bucks to my name.”

  I thought this over. “Where are you from? Why can’t you stay with your family? Or with your girlfriend?” Smooth, Izzy. This guy is begging you for a place to stay and all you care about is if he’s getting any regular action on the side. Real classy.

  Dane smiled, as if he knew that the last question was the most important of the three. Which is why he avoided it entirely.

  “I’m from Chicago. It’s about four hours away. Far enough to be safe, but not so far that I can’t get back if I really need to.”

  “Okay. What about the rest of the questions?” I wasn’t letting him get off that easy.

  “I can’t stay with my family because I have none. I was abandoned on the steps of a hospital when I was a few months old. At least their best guess is that I was a few months old. I bounced from foster family to foster family. I stayed with the first one until I was three. Then it seemed like I lasted anywhere from six months to a year before getting passed to the next place. Every time I thought it would be the LAST time, but it never was. When I was seventeen, I just went to a group home. Do you think anyone wants to foster a seventeen year old punk? Spider wasn’t doing too well at his house either, so we ran away and lived on people’s couches for a year until we could finish school. We hustled to get any job we could and learned skills as we went. Do you know how hard it is to have to look at everyone who walks past you on the street and wonder if that’s really your mom or dad? Or watching other people celebrate their birthdays when you don’t even know what fucking day you were born? I’ve had to work every single day of my life for everything I’ve ever had. Nothing was handed to me. I had to fight my way to get where I am. I came from nothing and I busted my ass to get my job and my car and my place. I lost it all in a matter of minutes. I’ve never asked for help in my entire life. I don’t want charity and I don’t want pity. You have no idea how much it goes against everything I worked for, to have to ask for your help. That’s not who I am. I help myself. I rely on myself. I don’t want to owe anyone a damn thing. That’s why I don’t want to stay here for nothing. Let me help you by fixing things around here, so we’re even. You have no idea what it’s like to be in my shoes and I know you’ll never understand where I’m coming from, but I’m asking you to try.”

  Dane looked at me intently, his eyes searching mine. He had no idea how well I understood him. I knew exactly what it was like to go from having everything to having nothing.

  I looked down and quietly explained, “We’re not as different as you think we are. I’m not some spoiled brat with a silver spoon in her mouth. My parents died when I was sixteen and I have no family either. I was the only child that my parents ever had. My mom could never have more after I was born. I was the apple of their eye. I got whatever I wanted and we took family vacations every year and I had the ideal life. They were great parents and they loved me. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better. We had game nights and New Year’s Eve parties and giant holiday celebrations. I loved them.” My voice cracked on that last part and I knew the tears were going to come, so I had to turn away to be able to finish my story.

  “It was their 20th wedding anniversary and my dad surprised my mom with a trip to the Bahamas. They were so excited. It was going to be a second honeymoon for them. I stayed with my friend Winter’s family. My parents were supposed to take a charter boat out fishing for the day because my dad always dreamed of catching a giant marlin or some fish I don’t remember the name of.” Tears were pouring down my face and I’m not sure if I was all that coherent anymore, but I continued anyway. “The charter boat owner was a sketchy criminal and the boat wasn’t current on all the inspections and they never should have gone out that day because the weather was bad, but the guy wanted his money. My parents went out anyway. They never should have gone, but they did. The boat hit rough choppy water and it capsized and I never saw them again.” My tears became open sobbing and I turned around to look at him and cried, “They never should have been out there. Do you know what it’s like to have to hold a funeral for BOTH parents and have NO closure because you haven’t seen their bodies? To cry yourself to sleep every night for months and wake up with nightmares of dead bloated corpses floating in the water and screaming your name for help but you can’t help because they’re already gone? Who gives a shit about not knowing when your damn birthday is!? Pick any freaking day!”

  Dane looked at me in horror and stepped closer to console me. I immediately pushed him away and said, “I don’t want your pity, either. I don’t need anyone. I’m fine by myself. Just leave me alone.”

  I ran into the living room and sat on the couch crying. This was not the first time this had happened. I just had to be alone for a few minutes to compose myself. You should have seen how I got when one of my past dates had tried to rent “Titanic.” That stupid prick KNEW the story of my parents, but he picked that movie anyway. I ended that date about three seconds after he whipped the movie out and I never talked to him again.

  This was all my fault. I knew better than to talk about my parents, because it never ended well. I just wanted him to understand that I knew where he was coming from because he’s not the only one in the world that has ever had to face adversity and came out a stronger person afterward. I calmed down and got slobbered on by Kitty, who had come to see what the commotion was all about and offer me some nudges with her nose to get me back in my right mind again. Kitty knew when I was having a meltdown and she was the best cure I could have asked for.

  I returned to the kitchen to find Dane pacing back and forth. I held up my hand in a “stop” gesture before he could open his mouth.

  “Look. I have issues, ok? If you want to stay here, I don’t care. But we will NOT speak of the incident that just occurred ever again. I don’t like to talk about my parents for obvious reasons and it usually ends in a spectacle like you just witnessed. I respect the fact that we can play the ‘who’s life is more messed up’ game, but it’s not something I like to dwell on, ok? So you have two choices. You can thank me for letting you stay here for a few weeks, agree to not murder me in my sleep, and go fix something that’s broken……OR you can feel compelled to comment on that messed up scene I just made and then you can get the hell out of my house. It’s your call.”

  Dane was not prepared for that speech. I think he expected me to come back in the kitchen sobbing and begging him to hold me. Not gonna happen.

  He stared at me and slowly nodded his head, as if coming to some conclusion.

  “The garbage disposal should be the easiest. Something is probably plugged up in there. If you can show me all the tools you have, it shou
ld be no problem to unclog.” He hesitated like he wanted to say more, but wisely changed his mind.

  “Check the garage. Any tools are in there,” I replied and promptly walked away. I grabbed my cell phone, and took it in my bathroom to call Winter so Dane wouldn’t hear. I tried to summarize the story of last night and this morning as briefly as possible. She totally spazzed out on me.

  “Izzy, are you on crack? Did you really have that epic of a meltdown on him? The poor guy tells you he was an abandoned baby who’s been bounced around foster care his whole life and you try to one-up him by telling him about your dead parents and screaming at him? I don’t understand why he’s still THERE? Any sane, rational person would have run for the hills by now!”

  “He’s homeless, he has nowhere to run to,” I sheepishly explained. I put my head in my hands. I was a monster. I really, truly was a monster. Some days you just think that you’ve hit rock bottom, but no, there’s always some way that it can get worse. “I just screamed at my fantasy man and ugly-cried in front of him. What do I do, Winter? You’re the expert on men. HELP ME!”

  “This is so painfully awkward, that it might even be out of my range of expertise. I don’t know what to tell you.”

  “I’m doomed.”

  “No, you’re not. Not yet, anyway. Just give me a minute to think. What if you walk out there naked now? That would catch him off guard. Maybe he’ll give you a roll in the hay?”

  “WINTER! Do you have any other ideas? Anything I would actually try?”

  “Probably not. But you should really put the moves on him before you scare him off. It’s been a long time, Izzy. You play it safe and it gets you nothing. It’s time to think outside the box. I mean you’re practically a virgin.”

  “I am not! I’m not even close,” I argued. I’d been with three guys.

  “Pfft. I wouldn’t even count any of those. Geek, Greedy, and Mr. Gay were epic fails. It’s just bad luck. You need to break out of your funk.”