Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  “Why did you kiss me if you said it was a mistake afterward?” There. It was out in the open. Now I had to just quiet the pounding of my heart while I waited for his answer.

  “It was a momentary lapse of judgement and it won’t happen again. You don’t have to worry about it. I don’t want to complicate things worse than they already are,” Dane cryptically explained. Huh? He thought things were complicated already? Well, they sure as heck were NOW.

  He jumped out of the car before I had a chance to reply and said, “Please pick me up at three o’clock. I’ll be right here at this same spot.”

  Well that was a fine start to my day.

  -------------------------------------------------------------

  After spending the morning cleaning my house and running errands in the afternoon, I found myself back in front of SMB Fabricating at ten to three. I was a lot of things, but “late” was never one of them. Whenever I met Monica or Winter, I was always the first one to arrive. I was sure they would be calling me today to get more details on my mystery man, but all I got were texts from them. I was in the grocery story this afternoon loading up on man food, when my phone started going off like crazy. Monica texted me to confirm our brunch plans and Winter texted, “I heard it through the grapevine that Brick Wall put on quite the fashion show yesterday. Mmm. Good for you! C U Tmrw.” This brunch would be the death of me and I was not looking forward to it.

  While I waited for Dane to get done with work, a good song came on the radio. I turned it way up and sang at the top of my lungs. I was sort of flailing my arms around too. It was a dance song, what was I supposed to do? I had to dance! A knock on the car window snapped me out of my groove and I screamed.

  Dane got in the car laughing and said, “Sorry to interrupt you. I wasn’t sure if you were enjoying yourself or if I should be calling 9-1-1 and getting you some medical help.”

  “That was called DANCING. I’m a very good dancer, I’ll have you know. I bet you have no rhythm anyway. Guys usually don’t.” I’d never met a man who had any talent at dancing.

  “How was your first day of work?” I asked, changing the subject. “Am I allowed to ask that, or do you consider that being too nice?” I was still upset about this morning. Polly Positive was not used to being reprimanded for her niceness. It was usually the opposite.

  “I was kind of a dick this morning. I’m sorry. The job was actually pretty good. The work is kind of boring and repetitive so I caught on fast. When it was time to take a lunch break, I got to meet some of the other guys. They were talking about a snowmobile one of them has that wasn’t running right and I helped give them a suggestion of how to fix it. They seemed to appreciate my help. I might be okay there for a little while.”

  “Just for a while?” I wondered what his long term plan was.

  “Yeah. My true love is cars and engines. I had my dream job in Chicago. I love fixing things. I don’t plan on staying here forever. I’m going back as soon as stuff dies down and it’s safe to return.”

  “Ok.” What was I supposed to say? Maybe that’s why he didn’t want to kiss me. He knew he’d fall madly in love with me and be unable to return to his pitiful life without me. I’m going with that answer. It’s the easiest one to swallow right now.

  “Izzy, do you have a library in town?”

  “Yeah, why?” That question came out of left field. What was he going to do there? Check out some Shakespeare?

  “I need to use one of the computers to send a text to Spider. If he doesn’t hear from me at least once a week, he’s going to go off the deep end. I can’t use your computer in case anything can somehow be traced back to you.”

  “Why is his name Spider?” I was totally curious. They must be close if Dane talked about him so much. I guess it was the closest thing Dane had to family. It’s nice that he had someone who worried about him. No one wants to be alone.

  “Because he ate one once. So we call him that. He also has one tattooed on his neck,” Dane explained. Wow! I wondered what the hell this guy looked like! I bet I’d be afraid of him.

  We took a detour to the library on the way home and I signed up to use a computer because Dane obviously didn’t have a library card. Evidently all my help this afternoon was perfectly allowed. We sat together at a computer because I had to be there too since it was under my name and I didn’t want to get in trouble if he started downloading porn or hacking into the CIA mainframe.

  “I have to create a fake account with a messenger program that sends texts. That’s the only way I know to contact him so no one can trace it. If someone finds out the library computer’s IP address, I really don’t care.”

  Dane got set up and sent the first message to Spider.

  “Hey Jedi Master A, this is a hot prostitute that you met once at a bar and tried to flirt with. Been thinking about you lately. I’m fine but I sure do miss you. Txt me back ASAP.”

  “What was the meaning of all THAT? It’s crazy nonsense,” I said.

  “Nope. It’s secret code. He’ll know EXACTLY what it means. His real name starts with an A, he loves Star Wars, and he’ll know it’s me because….because of the prostitute part.”

  Sure enough, two minutes later Dane got a reply.

  “Hey there. Is this who I think it is? You know I remember you, HONEY BEAR. How you been? G treating you alright?”

  “Honey Bear is a nickname that this girl kept calling me in a high-pitched baby voice and I had to get rid of her because of it. It was so annoying. G is Gina, Spider’s cousin whose boyfriend slammed the door in my face,” Dane clarified to me while typing a new message.

  “No, G has a boyfriend now and she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I went to see her but her man slammed the door in my face. Doesn’t matter. I have a new friend now. Actually I have two roommates who are treating me right. Lovely ladies.”

  “Who’s that?” I asked, totally engrossed in the conversation and not having any clue what was the meaning of Dane’s reply. If he wasn’t explaining this to me, then I’d be lost.

  “That’s actually not code. You should be able to figure it out. I have two new roommates. You and Kitty.”

  Spider replied, “Sorry about G, but it seems like you landed on your feet. TWO ladies? Sounds HOT. The heat is really up HIGH in here. Good thing you’re not with me or I’d take your clothes off. Are you behaving yourself?”

  Dane explained, “That reference to the heat being really high means that there’s a shit storm about what I witnessed on the day I left. Damn it. If it’s a good thing I’m not with him, then it’s lucky that I got out when I did. I just wish I knew what was going on.”

  “If he’s a good friend, he just wants to know that you’re ok. Hopefully he can handle whatever it is that’s happening there,” I offered.

  Dane shook his head and typed, “Sort of behaving. I’m doing fine. No worries. My new lady friends are both good kissers. Gotta go, baby. I’ll catch you later.”

  I didn’t need any translation of THAT comment. Dane laughed and we got shushed from several different directions. We took that as our cue to leave the library.

  Once we got home, I asked Dane to please fix my washing machine while I started dinner. I explained that I was afraid to use it because it leaked water all over the floor the last time I ran it. This request actually had a dual purpose. I desperately needed to get my washer fixed or I’d be forced to go to the laundromat, and I also wanted him to feel like he was earning his supper so he wouldn’t complain about owing me. Dane got to work right away and I started making meat balls and mashed potatoes. There were only a few things I could cook that tasted like anything remotely resembling food. I had about a week to impress him with my culinary skills and then it was back to ordering pizza.

  While I messed around in the kitchen, I was thinking about the kiss. It had replayed all day on a constant loop in my mind. Obviously he liked it or he wouldn’t have mentioned it to his friend. But…what
if he only kissed me because he wants me to let him stay here? What if he thinks he has to flirt and lead me on so I won’t kick him out? I really hope that’s not the reason, but what if it is? Nancy Negative rears her ugly head yet again.

  Dane came out to tell me that the washer tub just needed to be re-caulked and it was fine now. I guess there was a leftover tube of caulk in the garage. Awesome! Pretty soon his repairs were going to start costing me money and I wasn’t looking forward to that. I’m sure that he can’t change my spark plugs without having to buy new spark plugs.

  Dane looked down at his jeans in disgust and said, “I wish I had something to change into so I could put these in the wash. They’re going to walk away on their own, they’re so dirty.” Unfortunately none of the pants from Murray’s store were the right size for Dane.

  I broke into a giant smile and said, “BAM! Wish granted.” I pointed to a bag on the kitchen table and explained, “I went spite shopping today. Those are for you.”

  “Spite shopping? What’s that? Is that a thing?” he asked.

  “I just made it up. I went shopping out of spite. Spite shopping. I was mad at you this morning for telling me to quit being nice. So I was nice out of spite. I got you a pair of track pants so you could have something to sleep in besides those disgusting jeans. They were only three dollars, don’t freak out.” He would blow a gasket once he found out how much I spent at the grocery story today. Oh well. I loved spite shopping!

  “You’re crazy, but thank you,” he said while shaking his head in disbelief. He changed into his new spite pants and I told him to take a seat at the table. I put six meatballs on his plate with a giant scoop of mashed potatoes and gravy.

  “What is this?” he asked.

  “This is called a MEATBALL. It is a ball made out of meat. This is called a mashed potato. It is a potato that is mashed.” I beamed, proud of my sarcastic explanation.

  “I understand that. I had been under the impression all my life that meatballs went with spaghetti and sauce, NOT mashed potatoes and gravy.”

  “I do things a bit differently,” I clarified.

  “Yeah, I noticed that,” he mumbled.

  We started to eat and I heard groans of pleasure coming from his end of the table. I was imagining if that’s what he sounded like in bed, when he caught me staring and explained, “These are REALLY good. You know your way around a kitchen. I’m very impressed. I also appreciated the lunch that you made for me. No one ever spoiled me like this before.”

  My mom used to tell me that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. If only I knew the way into his pants. I’d have to ask Winter for some more tips. I was getting nowhere fast. Or so I thought…

  I did some laundry after supper and then I finally got a chance to sit down and relax. Kitty went nuts and kept jumping on my lap and crying.

  “What does she want?” Dane asked.

  “She wants to go outside. She’s bored.”

  “So am I,” he said, “Let’s go for a walk.”

  “It’s eight o’clock at night. It’s dark. Where are we going to go?” I did daytime walks.

  “It’s a walk. There is no destination. You walk until you get tired and then you turn around. Fresh air would do us all some good. Are you in or not?” Dane asked. Of course I was in. What else did I have to do?

  I got bundled up and put on Kitty’s collar. “You can hold her leash. She’s a great dog but her only problem is pulling me down the street when I take her for a walk.” He agreed and off we went. Of course Kitty walked perfectly on a leash for Dane. It made me look like a nutcase when I warned him about her bad walking habits.

  It was very peaceful outside. The snow stopped and the streets and sidewalks were now clear. The sky was still bright, with the moon almost as full as it had been the night before. The stars twinkled at me, I was walking next to my fantasy man, and Kitty was happily sniffing along next to us. Life was good.

  “So why don’t you have a boyfriend, Izzy?” What? That had come out of nowhere. Why was he asking me that NOW?

  “Are you going to yell at me and tell me it’s none of my business?” Dane asked. “Is that why you’re not answering the question?”

  “No. Honestly, I’m not answering the question because my love life has been one comedy of errors after another and I don’t know how to answer you without looking like a complete loser.”

  He seemed taken aback by my answer. “I would never make fun of you or think you were a loser. Never. I promise,” Dane replied, extremely serious. I remember him telling me that he never made a promise he couldn’t keep, so why not? He might get a laugh out of it. I usually jumped at the chance to make people laugh. My sense of humor was my pride and joy.

  “Do you want the long answer or the short one?” I asked him.

  “The longer the better. It’s a nice night and I’m not in the mood to go inside yet. Let this be a long walk.”

  “Ok, but you asked for it. My love life sucks. Monica and Winter like to give clever little nicknames to all the guys from my past. Are you really sure you want to hear about Geek, Greedy, Mr. Gay, Future Priest, Grabby Hands, and Bad Blind Dates numbers one through four?”

  “Oh HELL, yeah. With a build up like that, now you HAVE to tell me,” he replied, looking completely amused.

  “I’ll tell you in chronological order. I have one rule. If you interrupt me like you did when I was telling the Herman story, I will not continue.” He nodded his head and I took a deep breath.

  “My first boyfriend was a guy that went to high school with me when I was seventeen. We dated for six months and he took my V card. Monica and Winter called him “Geek” because he was very nice and polite and boring. We broke up when we graduated and he moved away to go to college.”

  “How was your first time?” Dane asked.

  “What did I just tell you about interrupting?” I reprimanded.

  “I’ll make this worth your while then, how about that? I get to ask questions whenever I want, and in return I’ll tell you the prostitute story from the text with Spider today. Deal?”

  “It’s a deal, but you only get THREE questions and that’s all,” I agreed before answering his question. “My first time was okay. He kept asking if it hurt and it lasted about three minutes. We were both seventeen and it wasn’t very good, you know? But he was sweet and respectful and I appreciated that. It was all downhill from there in the guy department.”

  I shook my head and continued with my timeline of tragic dude stories. “When I was nineteen I dated “Future Priest.” We went out for two months before he sat me down and told me that he had to end things because he was going to join the priesthood. Needless to say, he never got to second base. “Grabby Hands” came next. He was the exact opposite. Our first date was at a movie and he kept trying to stick his hand up my shirt. The last straw came on our second date when we were at a bar and he openly started flirting with Winter. My next relationship after that was “Greedy.” He lasted eight months and …the reason we broke up is a long story.”

  “I’m listening, Izzy. Did he hurt you?” Dane asked quietly.

  “Not really. I mean, I thought he did at the time, but he ended up doing me a favor by leaving. At least he was a bit better in the bedroom. He lasted ten minutes instead of the three I was used to.” I smiled to remember his poor performance. “He bounced from job to job and I should have known it would never be anything serious because he refused to introduce me to his family even though we’d been together for eight months. That was a warning sign I should have paid attention to. He hadn’t introduced me to his parents for a reason. They were elitist pigs. They made him break up with me because they thought I was a poor orphan girl who would never amount to anything. I mean, they were all about appearances and pretending like their last name made them important. That’s the complete opposite of anything that matters to me. Their son couldn’t even keep a job, but I was the one who wouldn’t amount to
anything. It blew my mind how greedy his parents were.”

  I paused to remember how mad I was at the time he dumped me. Looking back, he was a moron and I’m lucky to have gotten rid of him when I did. Dane took my silence as permission to speak.

  “You have no idea how similar we are, Isabelle.”

  “That’s not my name, but nice try. After “Greedy” came Bad Blind Dates number one, two, and three. Number One was Trent’s frat buddy. Trent is Monica’s husband and he’s kind of a tool. Winter and I don’t like him. He thinks he’s a big shot and everyone else is beneath him. Anyway, I met Number One at a house party and he kept trying to get me drunk and pull me into a dark room. Not happening. I watch those TV movies of the week. My brain kept screaming ‘he’s going to slip you a roofie and you’ll end up dead. RUN!’ so I listened to it. After the third time of him taking my hand and trying to pull me away from the others, I kicked him in the shin and ran out the door.”

  Dane growled under his breath next to me. “Does he live around here? If he does, you point him out and I’ll teach him a thing or two about how to treat a lady.”

  “I was twenty-one and it was at a college party in Bridgeport. I’m pretty sure we’re not going to run into him at the grocery store!” I did appreciate Dane’s willingness to defend my honor. Since I was on a roll, I continued my dating nightmare stories. “Blind Date number Two was one of Winter’s sister’s friends. He knew my history, yet he rented “The Titanic” movie for our third date.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Dane replied with righteous anger. “What the hell?”

  “I know. I walked out of his apartment three seconds after he whipped out the movie. Winter reamed him a new one and she had him on speakerphone the whole time so I could hear. It was fabulous. Blind Date number Three was a double date at a bar with Winter and some new dude she met. Her dude was a drummer in a band and they proceeded to make out in the corner, while my date was a political activist who wanted to save the world and spent the entire time lecturing me. He disagreed with every single opinion I had and told me that people like me were the reason the planet was in a state of chaos. Why? Because I was drinking a bottle of water and the plastic was filling up landfills and killing the earth.”