Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  Winter and Monica stared at me. I was generally known for being shy around guys and not diving in headfirst. They had never seen this side of me before. I knew it existed, but I tried to keep it buried. There was no one worth bringing it out for anyway.

  “It’s going to be hard to do this, because you already sort of live with the guy, but I’d recommend being more mysterious. Make him curious about who you are and what makes you tick. Make him chase you. Guys love the thrill of the hunt. Be hard to get,” Winter advised.

  “I don’t know about hard to get, but I have no problem getting him hard. I found that out last night,” I admitted with a wink and a smile.

  Both girls squealed and shook their heads at me.

  “I was expecting you to try to be Polly Positive this year, Izzy, certainly NOT Petunia Prostitute,” Monica taunted.

  “No. How about Hannah Hooker or Edna Easy? Trampy Tammy? I could go on FOREVER,” Winter said, gleefully clapping her hands in triumph. She was the master of nicknames. “I love this new Izzy,” she added. “You’re brazen. If you keep acting like this, you’ll have the guy eating out of the palm of your hand or eating out of other parts…” Winter raised her eyebrows.

  Monica took the opportunity to bring us back to reality. “You haven’t seen him, Winter. She’s out of her league here. He looks kind of dangerous. Raw. He has sleeve tattoos. She’s going to get her heart broken. Maybe we shouldn’t encourage her?”

  “All I know is that I’ve never been kissed by anyone who got me wet in a matter of seconds. Future Priest and Mr. Gay were boys compared to Dane. Maybe I was just holding back because I was afraid to find something real. I was terrified of letting myself get in too deep and then losing someone. It always comes down to loss. I don’t want to hurt again.”

  They both looked at me in sympathy. They knew I had issues with letting people in after my parents died. If you don’t put yourself out there and you don’t feel, then you won’t get hurt again. I would have closed myself off from the world completely had it not been for those two to bust me out of my moody solitude. I don’t want to go back to a dark place. I want to be in the light.

  “Well, you know we’re here for you no matter what. Take it one day at a time and see what happens, ok?” Monica reassured me.

  “And if it’s anything X-rated, then call me!” Winter added.

  -----------------------------------------------------

  I picked Dane up at work promptly at three o’clock. He was walking out of the factory just as I pulled up.

  “Are you always on time?” he asked.

  “Uh, yeah. Why would I be late? It’s rude to keep someone waiting for me. If I’m ever late then it means that something is wrong. Send out the Coast Guard to find me.”

  “That’s nice. I appreciate it. I can’t stand it when people are late. I knew a girl like that once. I met her at a bar and she was really hot. She turned out to be totally flaky and unreliable. She stood me up for two dates which I later found out was because she got a better offer from someone who had more money. The one time that we DID end up going out, she was an hour late for dinner and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. She wanted to go out to a club afterward but I had no money left and had to take her home. That was the last I saw of her. Spider told me he found out that she was stringing three other guys along to see who would buy her the best presents. One got her a diamond necklace and one got her a car. I had no chance,” Dane said, bitterly.

  “Maybe that’s what happens when guys pick girls based on their looks instead of their personality. Maybe the hot ones turn out to be materialistic bitches. Maybe the nice ones that make you lunches should not be put in the friend zone!” Maybe I should SHUT UP before I said anything else desperate and utterly mortifying. I turned up the radio and focused all my attention on driving.

  Dane chose to completely ignore my outburst and changed the subject.

  “Lunch sucked today. I had no food and the guys were staring at me like I was strange. I made an excuse that I woke up late and didn’t have time to pack anything. They pointed to the vending machines and I had to waste four bucks on a bologna sandwich. I hate bologna. Now I’m down to twenty four dollars.”

  “That’s a shame. I got called a prostitute at brunch today,” I commented.

  “WHO called you that?” Dane demanded, instantly agitated.

  “Winter. It might have been Monica. Maybe it was both of them. Not sure. The pancakes were good though. The bacon was crispy. I had three desserts, too.”

  Dane visibly relaxed and said, “I thought some guy called you that. You had me all worked up for a second there.”

  I smiled inwardly. Why does he care? We’re just friends. Time to be mysterious now. I shrugged my shoulders and kept silent the rest of the way home.

  I made chicken and broccoli for supper and I tried to be quieter and more covert than usual. Dane didn’t even notice because he was too busy fixing my garbage disposal. It turns out there was a giant build-up of sludge and that’s why it wasn’t draining correctly. He was brilliant at fixing things around the house.

  My secret mission to play hard-to-get and ignore Dane only lasted until my favorite zombie TV show came on. It was on every Sunday night and I was addicted to it. As fate would have it, Dane was also a zombie aficionado and watched every episode. He was absolutely devastated when he had to miss it last week because he was on the run. They re-played the episode from last week right before the new one aired, and I cruelly took it upon myself to tell him everything that was going to happen and ruin the suspense. When the new episode came on, we were glued to the TV. Someone important died and I might have shed a tear. I loved that guy and I did not see his death coming. He was really cute too. I hated when they killed off the eye candy. Dane screamed at the TV on more than one occasion and we both laughed about how die-hard we were over a fictional TV show. Kitty jumped on Dane’s lap to soak up as much attention as she could get. A good night was had by all.

  I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I was certain there would be no more kissing in the middle of the night. I was partially correct…

  Monday, January 11

  Kitty woke me up at midnight this time. I don’t know why she keeps getting up earlier and earlier. Maybe she had a bad dream? Sometimes she cries in her sleep and kicks her feet in my face. I like to think that she’s chasing bunnies or squirrels and not have flashbacks of her early abandonment.

  I was relieved that she got me up so early. I figured maybe Dane would be asleep and I could avoid the uncomfortable kiss-rejection routine that we had down to a science. I walked up to my door and slowly cracked it. I wanted to peek out and see if he was awake before I tip-toed into the kitchen.

  Dane was most definitely NOT asleep. His face was turned to the wall, but I still heard some very interesting sounds coming from beneath the covers. There was a lot of heavy breathing and I noticed the couch moving in a way that was not normal. The fast breathing turned into grunting and I had to put my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. So I wasn’t good enough to make out with, but it was perfectly okay for him to take matters into his own hands? I see how it is.

  Unfortunately for Dane, Kitty did not understand the concept of masturbation. She grabbed one of her toys, assuming he needed comfort in his obvious distress. She snuck out the door, ran to him at full speed, and jumped on him.

  “What the fuck?” Dane choked out in surprise at being attacked and having a pink stuffed pig dumped in his lap.

  I erupted in laughter and explained, “She was just worried about you….she didn’t understand those strange noises coming from under the blankets. She thought you needed assistance. She didn’t know that you had a firm grasp on the matter.” My fantastic pun caused my laughter to go to the next level. I collapsed to the ground and wiped tears from my eyes. This was hilarious!

  Dane was not amused. He went to the bathroom, no doubt to finish what he started in pri
vate, and I made sure to feed Kitty an extra handful of food in appreciation of her failed attempt to rescue Dane from his rosy palm and her five sisters.

  After I gave her fresh water, I got myself a drink from the fridge. I felt a sudden presence behind me and a voice whispered in my ear, “Just so you know, when I was getting myself off, I was thinking about you the whole time.”

  I felt my face flush, but I replied, “Yeah, well I get off to thoughts of my fantasy man, Brick Wall.”

  “Is that a famous wrestler or something? I have no idea who that is. ”

  “Good,” I said, and walked away. Ha. I could play this cryptic hard-to-get game too.

  -----------------------------------------------------

  My alarm went off at six, just like it does every morning during the week. I usually wake up early and take Kitty for her morning walk. We do a short ten minute loop around the neighborhood. I tell her to do her business and she ignores me and sniffs every single fire hydrant and street light.

  I was putting on my boots and hat when Dane came in and stared at me.

  “Where are you going?”

  “On our morning walk. It’s a routine.”

  “Do you think it’s safe to be walking around by yourself? It’s dark out.”

  “No one’s killed us yet. This neighborhood isn’t exactly crime-filled. I think I’ll survive.

  “Just give me a minute,” Dane sighed, “and I’ll come with you.”

  “I don’t need a chaperone.”

  “I don’t care.”

  He walked in silence with Kitty and I, as we did our morning stroll.

  “So what do you do at work all day?” Dane asked. “I assume it’s not something in the factory that produces the make-up. When I see you walk past every day, you look too dressed-up to be working in a factory.” Wait a minute. Back it up. He noticed me walking past every day? If he was Brick Wall, then did he have some fake fantasy name for me too? I wonder who I was?

  “How do you know where I work and when did you see me walk past?”

  “I saw you every day last week. You walk by with your head in the clouds like you’re not paying attention to anything going on around you. Like you’re daydreaming. You seemed carefree. I noticed the smile on your face. I also noticed you staring at me every time you see me.”

  Was I really oblivious to my surroundings? If he was Brick Wall, then I was Spacey Stacey.

  “How do you know where I work?” I asked him, ignoring the last part about me ogling him.

  “I watched you to see where you went. You go to the make-up place.”

  “Kharmma cosmetics. I work in the order processing department. They wear uniforms in the factory,” I explained.

  “I didn’t figure you worked in the product testing. You don’t wear make-up.”

  “I don’t like to gunk up my face with crap. My skin likes to breathe. Every time Winter tries to give me a make-over, I end up looking like a clown. We get free samples of the new products that Kharmma comes out with and I always give them to my friends. They love it.”

  “I like you without make-up. It looks more natural. I want to be able to touch a girl without having half her face come off on my hands.” Why was he talking about touching? We’re supposed to be just friends. His mixed signals were really frustrating me.

  “My job is great,” I said, changing the topic to something more neutral. “I like the work I do and I love my co-workers. It would be perfect if it wasn’t for Libby.”

  “Who’s Libby?”

  “My arch-nemesis. She’s the Joker to my Batman. The Klingons and Romulans to my Captain Kirk. The Darth Vader to my Luke Skywalker. The bane to my existence.”

  “Do you realize you just used Star Trek AND Star Wars references correctly in the same sentence?” Dane asked, presumably in awe of my pop culture knowledge.

  “Yes. I didn’t date much in high school. TV was my friend.”

  “So why is this Libby girl so evil? You don’t strike me as the type to have a villain lurking around your secret fortress.”

  “There was an episode of road rage between us before she started working there. I didn’t know she was going to be my future co-worker and we kind of had an incident. She’s a perky blonde pin-up girl who likes to mock me at every opportunity. I despise her.”

  “If it was a road rage incident, then it was probably your fault. I’ve seen how you drive. She’s perky too? That must really piss you off,” Dane said, elbowing me in the arm. Ugh. I bet if he saw Libby, he wouldn’t put her in the friend zone.

  We finished our walk and we each got ready for work. I hurried through my shower so I could pack a lunch for my friend. I made him a turkey sandwich and I threw in an apple, two candy bars, a bag of potato chips, and a yogurt. I added two bottles of water on top for good measure. While I waited for Dane to come out of the bathroom, I took one last look at my outfit. I wore khaki dress pants, brown high heels, and a cute brown shirt with a belt. I was very brown, but at least it all matched.

  We walked out to my car and I handed him the food and said, “Here. Now your friends at work won’t look at you like you’re weird. It’s important to fit in.”

  “I’d rather stand out,” he said and winked at me. “Normal is boring. But thank you for lunch. I appreciate it.”

  The drive to work was uneventful, but as we approached the industrial park Dane asked me to pull the car over.

  “I know you’re not going to like this,” he said, “But can I please drive you to work and drop you off at the front door? There’s no way in Hell I want you walking past that dumb fuck Jimmy. I really WOULD break his arm if he ever tried touching you again. You’re probably going to think I’m just out to steal your car and make my escape. So here. Take my wallet and my license as collateral.”

  Dane started to reach into his pocket, but I stopped him.

  “You can drive. I trust you not to steal my car. If you want it that bad, go nuts. I don’t really like it anyway.” I smiled and got out of the driver’s seat so Dane could switch with me. As I walked around the car, I had to stifle a major shit-eating grin. For someone who wanted to be friends, he was sure worried about me getting kidnapped on my morning walk and assaulted by Sleazy Jimmy. I don’t think he’s going to be able to stick to being friends for very long. Or maybe he really does want to steal my car. There’s only one way to find out!

  Dane dropped me off at the front door and promised to park my car and give me the keys back. I usually went home at lunch and fed Kitty her noon meal, so he couldn’t be holding on to my keys all day.

  After what seemed like an eternity, Dane finally returned and told me where he parked.

  “Did you see my buddy, Jimmy?” I asked him.

  “Yeah. We had a nice little chat.”

  “Really? Do tell.” This should be good.

  “Let’s just say he won’t be bothering you anymore and leave it at that.” Dane smiled with a wicked little grin on his face and walked away. Damn. What the hell did he say to Jimmy? That was going to be in the back of my mind all day.

  I strolled in to work like I was queen of the world. I had an exciting weekend and I was riding high. All that changed in an instant. As I entered the building, I saw Sheri talking to Libby and waving her hands animatedly. I wondered what the fuss was. Sheri spotted me and ran right over to show me the new rock on her right hand. Evidently she celebrated a milestone wedding anniversary over the weekend and her husband got her a beautiful amethyst ring. Of course it would be purple. She was telling me all about it when Libby started to walk back over to put her two cents into the conversation. I say “started to walk back over” because she didn’t quite make it. She “accidentally” stumbled and the massive cup of coffee that was in her hand splashed all over the front of my tan pants. That was no accident! Normally one loses their balance when they trip. With her, it looked more like she skipped a step and raised her hand to dump the coffee all over me.


  “Shit,” I exclaimed as I jumped backwards, seconds too late to avoid the collision with her morning latte. Thankfully it was only warm and not burning hot. But it landed right on my lap and started dripping down my leg. It looked like I wet myself. I didn’t have time to go home and change and I couldn’t afford to be late for work. I would be stuck like this all day.

  Sheri’s back was to Libby, so she wasn’t a witness to the crime against my pants.

  “Oh my goodness, I am so clumsy! I can NOT believe I did that! I feel so awful,” Libby said, and then she started to cry. Sheri went from trying to wipe off my pants, to consoling Libby.

  “Honey, don’t cry. It was an accident. Izzy knows you didn’t do it on purpose, right?” Sheri looked at me hopefully, expecting me to reply.

  “Accidents happen,” I mumbled. Too bad this wasn’t one! I could tell the big crocodile tears coming from Libby’s eyes were totally fake. What a way to start the day.

  It only got worse from there. I was bombarded with emails from customers placing orders for cosmetics. There was a new line of lipstick that just came out, coupled with everyone being stuck at home due to the snowstorm and spending their down time buying stuff online. It was so busy that Janet, Sheri, and Vera all had to help me with the internet orders so I wouldn’t fall behind. I had to work through lunch and I couldn’t get home to let Kitty out or feed her. Luckily it was Emma’s day off and she was more than happy to help take care of my dog. Winter’s little sister was my back-up dog sitter. Kitty loved her to pieces. On the bright side, the day passed very quickly. I couldn’t wait to get home and change my pants.

  As I exited the building, I heard Libby call out behind me, “Have a great night, Izzy. I’m super sorry about the coffee this morning!” Yeah. If she was so freaking sorry, then why did she giggle as she said that? I didn’t even bother to turn around and give her a dirty look.