Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  “I’d say they left a damn good legacy. You, Izzy. They left you. In my opinion, they couldn’t have done a better job,” Dane said quietly. He touched my cheek and brushed away a tear that I didn’t even know was there.

  “It gets worse, Dane. As bad as Isadore’s behavior had been, it gets worse. There was a scared sixteen year old girl who was now an orphan. Isadore wanted to swoop in and pretend to have a relationship with me. She came over to me at my mom’s funeral…by some miracle I was actually invited to that one…and she had the nerve to pat me on the back. She told me that I was not to be punished for the sins of my mother. She would overlook the fact of who my father was and she would see to it that I got a proper education. Evidently her plan involved shipping me off to boarding school in New York and taking me away from the only life I ever knew. So let me recap for you…I just lost both my parents and now you want to send me away? Fuck you! Fortunately for me, my two new guardian angels were looking out for their daughter. Rita got wind of what Isadore was about to do and she put her foot down. Rita is a lawyer. She got me an immediate hearing with a judge, who just happened to be a good friend of hers, and I got legally emancipated. Isadore was absolutely furious when she found out what happened behind her back. I was relieved I could stay at school with my friends and not get shipped off somewhere alone. Rita also sued the charter boat company in the Bahamas and got me a one hundred thousand dollar settlement. I paid off my parent’s debts and had eighty grand left over. That paid for a nice chunk of this house that you’re currently living in. I have a small mortgage that’s the size of most people’s car payments. There was one bump in the road. Do you think Isadore appreciated being one-upped by her wayward grand-daughter and some ‘immigrant piece of trash who thinks she’s a lawyer’ as Isadore so eloquently put it? Absolutely not. Isadore took Rita to court multiple times. She tried to invalidate the emancipation and go after the money that Rita got from the charter boat operator. Isadore claimed that she should be the legal next of kin because I was a minor. Rita had to spend countless hours in court defending me. That is why Rita is my mentor, my hero, and my savior. I owe that woman a debt that I will never be able to repay. Without her help, I have no idea where I’d be right now.”

  “Wow. Now I understand why you completely lost your shit when you saw those two at the front door. It all makes perfect sense. I would have knocked them both out had I known the whole story. Even the old lady. Hell, especially the old lady.”

  I smiled. “Once I turned eighteen, she had to give up the court proceedings because she knew she had no leg to stand on. I haven’t talked to her since. Now she comes back pretending to be concerned because I’m shacking up with a ruffian. She can to go Hell for all I care. It pisses her off to no end that she couldn’t buy me. When she wanted to ship me off to boarding school and I had a fit, she tried to bribe me. She said I could have all the clothes and the fanciest cell phone and car that money could buy. Who cares about all that if I had no friends to share it with? I was not leaving Winter and Monica under any circumstances. I was NOT for sale. Do you understand now why I didn’t argue with you when I first let you stay here and you told me that we couldn’t mess around because you didn’t want me to think you were just kissing me in return for somewhere to sleep? You told me that you weren’t a whore off the street that just put out for a place to stay. I know. I’m not for sale either. There was no way I was going to let Isadore tell me what I could and couldn’t do, and try to buy my cooperation by giving me things. My freedom was priceless. Material things don’t make me happy. They never have. Once you get that shiny new toy that you just had to have, you get bored and move on to the next thing that catches your eye. Things don’t matter. I value honesty and loyalty and true family. The family that you make, not the one you’re born with. We have more in common than you think.”

  “You’re amazing, Izzy. Where have you been all my life?” Dane asked.

  “Sitting here waiting for you to find me.”

  He took me in his arms and kissed me passionately. It was tender, yet left no doubt that he wanted me. I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled him closer to me. After our little smooching session was over, I leaned back and sighed.

  “I’m so glad that’s out in the open now. I felt bad keeping my true identity a secret from you.”

  “Your true identity? Are you really Pete Parker or Spiderman? I didn’t know you were a superhero,” Dane asked.

  “I never tell anyone that I’m involved with about my true lineage. If that stupid ass…Mr Greedy Pig…whose parents made him dump me because I had no future and they didn’t want me to be a dead weight around their son’s neck…if they knew who my family really was, they would have married me off to him in about three seconds flat. Do you have any idea who Isadore is?”

  “A cold hearted lunatic who cuts off her nose to spite her face?” he guessed.

  “Yes. Good answer. But her last name is Carrington. Barrett and Isadore Carrington. Is this ringing a bell at all?”

  “No. Should it? I’m really not up on all the society pages of the paper to know who’s important and who isn’t.”

  “They’re old money. Barrett inherited it from his dad who inherited it from his dad and so on and so forth. They now have a stake in various businesses all over the state. If there’s a business with Carrington in the name, it probably belongs to my grandparents. I researched them for school once when we had to do a paper on a business and where it got its origins from. It was fascinating stuff. I kind of get excited that I have a secret identity that does me not a damn bit of good in the real world. I’d say they’re worth more than a few million. Most of their cash is tied up in their businesses, but they’re not hurting by any means. There are Carringtons going back generations. It’s quite the family. I’m glad I’m not a part of it. I’d rather be poor Izzy. They can all go fuck themselves.”

  “I do believe you’ve used the word FUCK about seventy-two times in the past hour. Do you realize that?”

  “Does it turn you on?” I asked.

  “Hell yeah. I like this bad-ass Izzy that wants to beat up old ladies. I find that a complete turn-on in a woman.”

  “What about millionaire Izzy? Does that turn you on?”

  “No. I like my ladies to drink beer from the tap and say “fuck” and be wild in bed. I’m pretty sure rich people don’t eat Doritos.”

  “You and those damn Doritos. How do you manage to fit them into EVERY single conversation?”

  “Because it’s my new hobby. I have a one-track mind.”

  “Clearly.”

  Kitty took that moment to wake up from her long nap and see what was going on.

  “Where were you before? I could have used a guard dog to bite the two intruders!” I said, scolding my disappearing dog.

  She kissed me on the face. Evidently she was a lover, not a fighter. Or a biter.

  She yawned, stretched, and wagged her tail.

  “Let’s go take the dog for a walk,” Dane suggested. “Some fresh air would do you both good.”

  So that’s what we did. It felt good to be outside, even if it was cold. I was pretty quiet as we walked down the street. I was replaying the whole incident in my head, trying to figure out if there was some important clue that I’d missed.

  “Hey, are you okay? You’re kind of quiet. Anything you want to talk about?” Dane asked.

  “No. I feel like I’ve talked enough for one day. You know more about me than you ever thought possible. I’m fine. I was just thinking about everything that happened. I’m pissed Mrs. Henderson is a spy for Isadore. I wonder if that’s why she tried setting me up with Herman? Maybe she wanted us to fall madly in love so she could get her hands on the Carrington fortune? Or maybe Isadore paid her to set me up with him? No. He doesn’t have enough money. I wonder what grandma’s master plan is? Ignore me for a while until she decides I’m ready to get married off and then she thinks she can arrange something with a su
itable candidate?”

  “I think you’re overthinking this. Your grandmother didn’t get to where she is in life by being a fool. She should take one look at your behavior today and realize that you hate her with every ounce of your soul and you’re never going to bow to her evil demands. Not to be rude or anything, but even if she DID want to marry you off, it would never work. All the rich society people are going to want their pansy-ass sons married to debutantes. You’re far too unsophisticated for their tastes. You haven’t been trained your whole life on which salad fork to use and how to curtsy. Therefore, I’m guessing you’re unmarriageable.”

  “Is that a word? Unmarriageable?”

  “Not sure. I might have just pulled it out of my ass.”

  “Well I like your theory, that’s for sure. I don’t want to marry any of those dicks. I would run away if she tried that.”

  I thought for a while and then two disconnected thoughts occurred to me at once. They both made me want to throw up.

  “Dane, can I ask you something? This is serious, so be honest, okay?”

  “I would never lie to you. What’s wrong? You look a little pale,” he said, noticing my panic face.

  “You grabbed Barrett by the jacket. Isadore has shown that she’s very happy to take me to court for anything. What if she tries to get you arrested or sue you? What if she pays Mrs. Henderson to say she was a witness?”

  “You watch too many crime shows. I have no criminal record, as you already know. Also, you and your grandmother DO have a record of going to court every five minutes. We can counter-sue for slander,” he said. He winked at me and added, “You’re not the only one who watches TV, you know.”

  “I have another question. What would you do if she tried to pay you off? You know…if she said she’d give you money if you walked away?”

  “Do you think she’d really DO that?” he asked, his eyes lighting up instantly. “Because I need five grand for my engine! Fuck that. She has way more money than that. I could get maybe twenty grand. More? What do you think?”

  I stood gaping at him in shock. What the hell?

  “Izzy, relax. Why would I do that? I could make a hell of a lot more money by knocking you up and then she’d REALLY have to give me a payout. I’d end up OWNING the whole Dorito company by the time I was done extorting money out of her. Now come here so I can get you pregnant. Don’t be shy, we’ve done it before….”

  Dane erupted into a fit of laughter. I shot him a dirty look and marched off ahead of him. That was NOT funny at all. I was not walking next to him anymore. DICK!

  He caught up and grabbed me in a giant hug. I struggled to break free, but he wouldn’t let go.

  “Hey, pissy pants,” he said, “I was joking. You’re clearly very upset about what happened earlier today and I’m trying to lighten the mood. Look at me. Look me in the face. I don’t care if you have ten dollars or ten million. I don’t want anything from you. While I understand that it looks very bad that I’m living with you for free and eating your food and making you drive me to work every day…ok that sounds worse than I thought it would…I would never ask you for anything else. Except to touch your hot body anytime I wanted. I’d beg for that. I’m here for this,” he touched my chest where my heart was, “and this,” he touched my brain. Well, not actually my brain because that would mean it was outside of my body and I’d be dead. He tapped me on the top of my head.

  “I’ve had a rough day,” I said, in explanation for my suspicion of his motives.

  “I know. Let’s order a pizza for supper and rent a movie. I picked the movie last night, so now it’s your turn. I will watch whatever romantic crap you can come up with. We can snuggle on the couch and have a relaxing evening. I will pay for the pizza AND the movie rental.”

  “Will you give me a massage, too?” I asked. I was going to milk this for all it was worth.

  “What?! Why?”

  “Because you like to touch my hot body,” I answered with a smile.

  “Fine. But you have to give me one in return.”

  “Done.”

  The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. We got a large pizza with all my favorite toppings. I rented a funny comedy that Dane actually laughed at. He gave me an amazing back massage and I returned the favor. We watched TV on the couch until I fell asleep in his arms. It was absolutely amazing. I had not asked for the any of the drama that was literally sitting on my doorstep today and I ached to go back to my normal, boring life.

  Sunday, January 17

  I woke up to the sensation of Dane gently tracing circles along my shoulder.

  “Hello. Would it be possible to wake up to you touching me every morning? Because I think that would definitely turn me into a morning person.”

  “I was just imagining what tattoos I would put on you,” he replied.

  “I hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon.”

  “Why not? I could think of a hundred different things that would look amazing.”

  “Hey. Speaking of that…if you really designed your own tattoos…how come you did so bad at the drawing game at Rita’s dinner party?”

  “I designed my tattoos. I didn’t draw them. I looked up a bunch of different stuff online, printed it out, and told the tattoo guy what I wanted. He sketched out my idea and really made it pop. I can’t draw for shit,” he explained.

  “Oh. I got it. What would you put on me?” I always wanted a tattoo but I was too much of a wimp to get one. Winter has some. She got them randomly and impulsively and now she’s stuck with them forever.

  “I would put something to honor the most important events of your life. Probably some angel wings on your shoulder with the initials of your parents. That would symbolize your guardian angels and the fact that they’re always with you and looking out for you. It’s a permanent reminder of them. You could have an ‘L’ on one wing and a ‘C’ on the other.”

  “That would be a beautiful tribute. You’re really intuitive, you know that?” I think that would be a cool idea. Too bad I’m a coward and I would pass out the first time the needle touched my skin.

  Dane shrugged his shoulders and kissed me. Before it could turn into anything more, my phone rang. It was Monica.

  “I have to take this and make sure everything’s okay. It’s Monica. She hasn’t called since the drunken freak-out at Random Chaos,” I said as I answered the phone.

  “Izzy, I just called to see what you were doing tomorrow night. Trent wants to know if you and Dane would like to meet us somewhere for dinner.”

  That’s really weird. How does Trent know anything about Dane and why is Monica acting like I do double dates with them all the time? Also, why the hell is she not mentioning anything about getting drunk last week? Maybe Trent was in the room with her.

  “I don’t have any plans tomorrow. We have to work until five. What time did you want to do dinner?” If she was reaching out to me, I sure wasn’t going to turn her down. It’s just strange to have a Monday night double date.

  Dane gave me a questioning look, most likely wondering what I was volunteering him for. He wasn’t going to like it once he found out.

  “We can meet you at the restaurant at seven. How about Bilson’s Grille? Does that work for you?”

  “Sure. We’ll be there. What exactly does Trent know about Dane?” I wanted to be prepared for this. Trent was not easy to get along with and I wanted to know what I was walking into.

  “I just told Trent that you met someone and his name was Dane. That’s all. See you then. Bye!”

  Well that was really rather abrupt. I rolled my eyes. I did not want to do this. I better make one more call to see if I should be as concerned as I think I should be.

  “Winter, it’s Izzy. I know it’s early. I need advice.” Winter couldn’t resist the opportunity to give guidance. She fancied herself something of a Dear Abby.

  “Izzy. Ugh. You’re breaki
ng my early morning rules. I’m going to have to put you on double secret probation. I don’t know what that means, but you can be sure it’s not good. What’s wrong? Man problems? You’ve come to the right place. Also if Dane is there, I need to talk to him when I’m done talking to you. You go first though,” she said.

  “Gee thanks. I just got a weird phone call from Monica. She asked me on a double date with her and Trent. She wants to go out tomorrow night. She didn’t say anything else. It was strange. What do you make of it?”

  “What do I make of it? What the fuck? Are you Sherlock Holmes and I’m Watson? She’s been acting like a lunatic for the past month. I have no idea what to make of it, old chap. I’d say go on the date and see what happens. Tell Dane to take a kitchen knife in case Trent gets obnoxious and he needs to stab the fucker. Put Dane on the phone,” Winter demanded.

  “Um. One more thing. Grandma Assface did a pop-in yesterday. She brought my dear cousin Barrett the third for a bodyguard.”

  “Shut The Fuck Up! You haven’t heard from her in YEARS. I thought she was gone for good? Oh shit. Did she see Dane? Did he see her? Does he know who she is? What happened? Why didn’t you call me yesterday? Your life has gone all soap opera and you’re not keeping me filled in!” she screamed.

  “It was a giant clusterfuck. Evidently I’m not supposed to be shacking up with commoners. I had to tell Dane about why some psychotic old bag was on my porch pitching a hissy fit. It wasn’t pretty.”

  “Put Dane on the phone. Right now.”

  I handed Dane the phone and said, “Winter wants to talk to you.”

  He took it and put it on speaker. “Hey, Winter. You’re on speakerphone. What’s up?”

  “Please tell me that you punched that old bitch right in the face.” Winter was never one to beat around the bush.