Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  Ant shrugged his shoulders and said, “I’m really sorry, but I don’t have anything to add to this discussion. I’m kind of regretting offering to drive Spider here because you people are really fucking depressing.”

  We all stared at him until Winter broke the silence with, “Hot damn. You DO have perhaps the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard in my entire life.”

  Monica began to laugh and we all joined in. I literally had no idea what would happen next.

  “So…who ARE you two?” Monica asked, finally looking around and noticing the strangers.

  “I guess introductions are in order,” Dane explained. “This is my best friend, Spider. We’ve gotten into a lot of trouble together. I know he looks like he just escaped from prison, but he’s good people. The other guy with the voice that you’re all getting wet over…that would be Ant, short for Antuan. He works with me at a car repair shop back home in Chicago.”

  I guess it was my job to introduce the rest of us. I stood up and started pointing to people. “As you may or may not know, I’m Izzy. Dane was sort of homeless and I took him in. This is my dog, Kitty, who is currently sitting on Spider’s lap and licking his face. She likes cats and hates dogs, hence the name. The sobbing girl on the couch is my best friend, Monica. She’s normally dressed in matching blazers and pantsuits and not stained up clothes with food on her face. Due to the obvious unfortunate turn of events, we’re going to go easy on her about that. That girl, who happens to be extremely single, is my other best friend, Winter.”

  Dane came up and put his arm around me. “Izzy is not just a random person who took me in off the street, she’s my girl.” Did he just call dibs on me?

  “I’m pretty sure that Mr. Rock Star and Velvet Voice aren’t going to attempt to get into my pants anytime soon, but thanks for staking your claim,” I said to Dane. Spider kept shooting dirty looks in my direction and I couldn’t quite figure out why.

  “Velvet voice, huh? It couldn’t be more obvious that all you girls are totally mesmerized by my presence and I don’t blame you. But If you’re going to keep hitting on me, at least buy me dinner first,” Ant commented, clearly happy to be the center of all the female attention.

  “That’s a good idea. Let’s get out of here and see what this town has to offer,” Spider said while a slow smile started to form on his face.

  “I don’t like that look. That’s the look you get when you’re about to do something to get me in trouble,” Dane said suspiciously.

  “I’m kind of bored,” Spider admitted, “and definitely hungry because we couldn’t stop and get anything to eat on the off chance we might spill something in princess’s fancy car. Monica obviously has bottled-up anger that she needs to get out. So I say that we take a little road trip and burn off some steam. Who’s in?”

  “I am!” Winter said without a second thought. I swear Spider could have asked for volunteers to eat shit on a cracker and she would have raised her hand to get his attention.

  “Oh, wait. Monica, are you up for that? Or would you rather stay here and just talk? It’s completely up to you,” Winter offered.

  “No, I don’t want to talk anymore. There’s nothing left to say. I want to get out of here. I want to quit playing by everyone else’s rules and start making up my OWN rules as I go. Maybe these two guys can help us raise a little hell. Izzy’s New Year’s resolution was to be a more optimistic person and not such a Nancy Negative. My new life resolution is to think outside the box and not automatically decline when a new opportunity presents itself,” Monica explained.

  “Nancy Negative?” Dane asked me, looking quite amused.

  I looked down and shrugged my shoulders in embarrassment. How did I get involved in this?

  “Ok, it’s settled. Let’s go,” Monica said, getting up and walking to the front door.

  “Fine. The first stop is going to be for food,” Spider said.

  “No,” Winter objected, “Monica needs to change into something a little more presentable. And probably wipe the food off her face. Maybe it’s a good idea to shower, too.”

  “No. I don’t WANT to change. I’m comfortable how I am. Just like this. I’m not changing for anyone EVER again. I’ll go where I want, do what I want, and dress how I want. I play by MY rules, no one else’s,” she repeated.

  This was just great. She’s officially gone off the deep end. I wondered if this was simply a case of “temporary insanity” or if this new Monica would last awhile. It was going to be a long night.

  “The only place she’s going to be able to blend in without getting strange looks is Addison’s. Would that work?” I asked.

  Monica and Winter both emphatically said, “Yes!” while the guys looked confused.

  “I call shotgun!” Winter shouted.

  “I’ll drive. I’m not leaving my car here,” Ant stated as if it were not up for debate.

  I gave Kitty some dog food to tide her over until later and we all walked out to Ant’s car. It was absolutely beautiful. No wonder he didn’t want to let it out of his sight. If that was my car, I wouldn’t either. I would worry about thieves or vandals.

  “This is awesome, Ant. It’s a work of art. What year is she?” I asked.

  “It’s a 1970 Chevelle LS 454 with a 450 HP V8 engine. Four speed manual transmission. I restored her myself.”

  “I’m surprised you take her out in this weather.”

  “She’s my pride and joy. She goes where I go.”

  “The car is amazing. I’d take one of these in a heartbeat,” I confessed.

  “You like cars?” Dane asked me, seemingly shocked at my interest in Ant’s ride.

  “Of course. I would love to own a classic car, but I have a tendency to get in accidents and I’d never be able to find the replacement parts. My dad used to take me to car shows when I was little. He liked to daydream about all the stuff he could never afford. It was something we did together because my mom never cared about cars. I always told him that my dream car would be a Ford Galaxie 500 Convertible,” I explained, fondly remembering the car shows with my dad.

  “I didn’t know you were even into cars,” he mused.

  “What else don’t you know about her?” Spider asked in a condescending manner.

  “A lot. I’m having fun finding out new things about her every day,” Dane answered, effectively shutting him down. What was this guy’s problem with me?

  Fortunately Ant’s car had a bench seat so we were all able to fit, although it was definitely a tight squeeze. Ant drove, Winter sat next to Spider in the front seat, and the rest of us were stuck in the back seat. I tried to duck down so I wouldn’t block Ant’s view out the back, since I was in the middle.

  Winter turned to Spider and shyly said, “Hi.” He gave her half a smile and then turned to look out the window. Ouch.

  Monica leaned over and whispered, “What’s up with Winter? That guy is obviously her type and she’s acting like a virgin who’s just seen a man for the first time. It’s not normal.”

  “Look around, Monica,” I replied. “You’re in shambles wearing stained clothes with food on your face, Winter is striking out big-time, and I’m the only one with a date. We’ve entered an alternate dimension, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  “I like it,” she said with a smile. “Let’s shake things up tonight, Izzy.”

  “You’re kind of scaring me. For someone who’s having a total life crisis, you’re handling things pretty well.”

  “I spent all day yesterday AND today listening to sad music and sobbing on my couch. You know me. I have a ‘type A’ personality. I can’t sit still. Maybe I’m in shock a little bit. I’m sure it will get better eventually. It’s just not doing me any good to dwell on it. That guy is right. I need to blow off steam and do something to take my mind off my problems.”

  Winter gave Ant directions to get to Addison’s and we arrived after a few minutes of driving. It was one of our favorite restaurants when
we were younger, and I hoped it would remind Monica of the good times we shared there and comfort her in some way. Addison’s specialized in giant greasy burgers, deep fried everything, and all sorts of ice cream confections. The place was extremely casual and attracted some unusual clientele after bar time, so Monica’s outfit wouldn’t get a second glance.

  We snagged a corner booth big enough to fit three beefy guys and three girls. The guys studied their menus and I looked around to reminisce. We hadn’t been here in ages. I’m not sure why. I missed it. I think it struck a chord in Monica, too.

  “Why don’t we come here anymore?” she asked. “Remember the time when Winter tried getting a job here because she liked the guy behind the counter? She flirted shamelessly while asking for an application, but she didn’t realize his girlfriend also worked here. I remember the girl giving Winter a death stare and then wanting to fight her.”

  “Hey, the bitch started pulling my hair and I had no choice but to pop her in the face. It was one of my first catfights,” Winter recalled fondly, like it was her first kiss instead of a time when she had to inflict damage on someone.

  “Yeah, but she got some hits in on you, too. I remember how pissed your mom was when you came home with a black eye and how proud you were at school the next day,” I said while laughing. We’ve had so many good times together.

  “I’m learning so much tonight,” Dane said. He studied his menu and turned to whisper in my ear. “Get whatever you want because I’m buying.”

  Dane had half of Thursday’s check burning a hole in his pocket. He insisted on giving me half of his paycheck even though I didn’t want to take it. He explained that I must have spent that much money feeding him these last few weeks, but I know that wasn’t true. He was proud and I could see that he wasn’t going to budge on the matter, so I took the money.

  “I’m only getting dessert,” I replied. Monica said she was starving because she hadn’t eaten yet. I’m not sure what meal was leftover on her face, but I wasn’t about to ask. She eyed up the menu like a person just released from jail about to get a taste of freedom.

  “I don’t have to eat healthy anymore. I can let myself go and not worry about calories or nutritional value. I’m loving this. No more salads for me,” she declared.

  “Did Trent want you to eat healthy?” Dane asked.

  “He gave me a five pound rule. He said I had to keep in shape and gain no more than five pounds over what I weighed when we got married. If I ever wanted anything sweet he would give me a look and warn that it would go right to my hips.”

  Winter and I both gasped in outrage, Spider shook his head, and Dane growled.

  “If I would have known any of this on Monday, I would not have walked away. I would have unloaded on that fucker. Do not ever let anyone treat you like that again,” Dane warned. He turned to me and said, “I don’t understand how anyone could treat a woman like that.”

  I reached my hand up and softly brushed my fingers over his cheek. “All men aren’t as classy as you. Some of them are assholes.”

  “I can’t talk about this anymore, ok? It’s over with Trent. There’s no going back,” Monica said, effectively ending that conversation.

  The waitress came to take our order and stared at Spider the whole time, much to Winter’s dismay. I ordered a chocolate sundae with hot fudge sauce and a cherry. Dane got a giant plate of nachos and then nudged me and asked pointedly, “Do you think they have Doritos?”

  I winked and said, “I know where you can get some later if you have a taste for that.”

  “Holy shit,” Winter said, “I just figured out what you two perverts are talking about!” She gave me a thumbs-up and ordered a waffle cone with blue-moon flavored ice cream. That’s what she always got.

  Spider and Ant both ordered bacon double cheeseburgers with fries. Monica told the waitress she wanted vanilla ice cream and mozzarella sticks and both dishes were to be served at the same time.

  “I want to dip the mozzarella sticks in the ice cream,” she explained. We all made gag faces but none of us dared argue with her. We’d come to terms with the fact that she was batshit crazy tonight and we let her do whatever she wanted.

  Before the food came, Winter said she needed to use the ladies’ room, which was code that she needed to discuss something. The three of us headed to the bathroom.

  We hadn’t gotten two steps in the door before Monica started in on Winter.

  “Why are you tanking so miserably with Tall, Dark, and Tatted out there? Where’s the Latina fire I’m forced to constantly hear about? I want action tonight and it’s going to have to be vicariously through you. Step it up, woman!”

  “Monica! You do not want to sit and watch me flirt! I’m being sensitive to your man problems and not throwing it in your face that I just met my soulmate!” Winter exclaimed.

  “You are NOT being sensitive, you pussy!” I declared. “You’re paralyzed with fear about striking out. What the hell? What are you so afraid of? The Winter that I know would never be intimidated by a man. You have a reputation to uphold. Get your game face on and get your ass back out there!”

  “Is this some fucking lame locker room pep talk?” Winter asked in astonishment. “Are we down by two points at the bottom of the ninth inning and I need to throw a hail mary pass at the three point line to win the game?”

  “Wow. Are you really that bad at sports?” I asked.

  “Just don’t overthink things and go get back out there. Show Mr. Chicago how we Oak Valley girls roll,” Monica preached.

  We all high-fived and walked back out there. I’d like to say that things improved, but they really didn’t. As we approached the table, the guys got quiet and it turned awkward. I wondered what they were talking about when we were in the bathroom. Dane looked annoyed, Ant seemed bored, and Spider acted as if there were somewhere else he’d rather be.

  “So, Spider. Tell me about your band. What kind of music do you play?” I asked in a futile effort to get him to talk. This was Dane’s best friend. I wanted to make a good impression. As it was, I couldn’t name one good quality I saw in him so far.

  “Nothing YOU’D know,” he replied rather rudely, brushing me off.

  “Because I don’t have ears to listen to music, or because I’m not as cool as you apparently are?” Should I have said that? In hindsight, probably not. I wasn’t winning any points with the dickface and I was getting pretty close to giving up on any attempt at politeness. Winter’s eyes bugged out and Monica let out a low whistle. Ok. My reaction must really have been out-of-line to elicit that response from them.

  “You sure have great taste in women, Dane,” Spider told his friend.

  “Yeah, he does,” I answered.

  Thankfully the food came and we all got busy eating instead of taking that painful conversation to the next level. I know the number one rule is “don’t get in-between a guy and his friends,” but there was also a rule to stand up for yourself. Monica never did that and look where it got her! I’ll be damned if I was going to let that guy treat me as if I was a fly to be swatted away or an annoying person who was beneath him.

  I focused all my attention on my sundae in order to avoid looking at Dane. I bet he was pissed off. Maybe a peace offering was in order.

  “Do you want my cherry?” I asked Dane, holding out the maraschino on top of my sundae.

  “I’m guessing that ship sailed a LONG time ago,” Spider replied, slyly grinning in amusement over his clever jab at me.

  Dane banged his fist on the table startling everyone, but Winter took it a step further and finally found her voice.

  “Look, asshole,” she narrowed her eyes and pointed her finger in Spider’s face, “if you say one more fucking word that implies my friend is anything but the goody-two-shoes that she is, I’m going to shove a fork right up your ass.”

  Everyone’s mouth hung open, including Spider’s. Evidently he had not expected that response from Winter. Poo
r guy. He never knew what hit him. It was as if he was finally seeing Winter for the first time and realized that she was a force to be reckoned with.

  “I’m not letting ANY more of my friends get hurt by guys EVER again,” Winter promised, glaring at Spider. “Trent is history and Dane treats Izzy like her shit doesn’t stink. There’s no way in HELL you’re going to just march in here and stir up the pot. So shut the fuck up, eat your burger, and I might let you live.”

  “I love you, Winter,” I blurted from across the table. She was my new hero.

  “Right back at you, babe. Anyone else got a problem?” Winter asked, looking around the table. No one did. Spider did start sneaking glances at her out of the corner of his eye though.

  “Congratulations, Winter. You just knocked it out of the park. The home team won the game and you’re getting to third base under the bleachers tonight with the quarterback!” Monica said, nodding in approval at her friend’s outburst of loyalty and keeping with our sports pep talk theme.

  “Just make sure the coach doesn’t leave any equipment in the dugout that he has to go back for later,” Dane said, adding, “You don’t want to get caught red-handed.”

  I gasped in shock and Monica roared with laughter. Winter joined in, followed by Dane.

  “I’m not talking to anyone EVER again,” I complained.

  “Hey, it’s not my fault that I listen when you talk,” Dane said.

  Ant looked around in confusion and admitted, “I haven’t understood one word anyone has said since we got here. You fuckers and all your inside jokes can eat shit as far as I’m concerned. This is the absolute LAST time I ever come to Iowa.”