Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  It also helped that I got three texts from Winter and two from Monica. I hadn’t heard from Monica since Monday and I was really getting worried about her. I was losing all faith in the “let her come to you when she’s ready” advice from Stacey. I had no patience for that. Fortunately Monica texted once to ask what plans I had for tonight and once to tell me she’d be over at six o’clock. I hoped everything was alright with her. Her texts were very short and to the point. Winter received the same texts from Monica. She was also relieved to finally hear from our wayward friend. I called her as I was walking out of work and on my way to meet Dane.

  “Hey, did you actually talk to Monica today or just text her like I did? Do you have any idea what she wants?” I asked Winter.

  “I have no clue what this is about. Maybe she’s finally going to come clean and spill her guts. I know we were supposed to give her space, but I tried calling her twice this week and I also sent her a text. She never responded to any of my messages. I tried to call her at the store today before I got the text from her. The person who answered the phone said that Monica called in sick today. Monica has NEVER called in sick to work since the dawn of time. She went to work once with the chicken pox! I’m just glad she’s finally talking to us again. I hope everything’s okay with her.”

  “I bet it’s not okay, Winter. You didn’t see her Monday. She looked so unhappy. I guess trapped is a better word. When she tried to break up the fight between Dane and Trent, you should have seen the look on her face. It was one of utter hopelessness. At first I thought she was trying to keep Dane from hurting her husband, but the more that I play it out in my head I think it’s the other way around. She was trying to protect us from Trent.”

  “That’s so creepy. I’ll try and mentally prepare myself for tonight. Whatever happens, she’s telling us what’s going on or else. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t stand to see her so upset. I need to know the truth. I’ll see you later, okay?”

  “Yeah. I had a crappy week and something tells me that we’re about to get hit with a hurricane.”

  I hung up with Winter and greeted Dane. I got him up to speed about the fact that Winter and Monica were coming over tonight and I had no clue what would happen. I prepared him for a yelling fight, a cry fest, or something in the middle.

  “That’s fine. I’ll just go in your room and hide if it gets ugly.”

  Ugly wasn’t the word for how the evening turned out. In retrospect, I’d probably use the term “Un-Fucking-Believable.” Curious yet? Let me tell you how it all went down.

  Dane and I grabbed a quick burger and fries through a drive-thru and I bailed on the whole idea of watching a movie. We did stop at the liquor store and grab some liquid comfort in case Monica had a fit like the other night and needed some incentive to talk in the form of a tall glass of gin.

  Dane was in the kitchen playing with Kitty and her newest squeaky toy when the doorbell rang promptly at six. I naturally assumed it was Monica or Winter. I assumed wrong.

  I opened the door without looking through the peephole and was treated to the sight of two strange men. One was a little bit taller than Dane and looked like a rock star. This guy was covered in tattoos and appeared extremely intimidating. Despite all that, I would still classify him as absolutely gorgeous. He had dark bushy eyebrows, numerous piercings, and chiseled cheek bones. He was wearing a black leather jacket and black jeans. I could see tattoos in a random pattern inching their way up his neck and going all the way to his ears. One of them was a black widow spider. Ah. Mystery solved. I knew who this was. But what the hell was he doing HERE? And who was the other guy?

  The second guy was a very large, muscular black man. He had a shaved head, warm brown eyes, a goatee, and full lips that were currently formed into a sly grin. He could easily have been a male model. Although with his outfit of blue jeans and a tight navy blue shirt, he looked more casual than Angry Rockstar.

  “Izzy, I presume?” the first guy asked while giving me the evil eye.

  “You must be Spider, but I have no idea who that is,” I said while pointing to hottie number two.

  Right about that time, a wild black dog came dashing around the corner to chase a squeaky toy, but froze and changed course to greet the newcomers. I grabbed her by the collar and warned the men, “Don’t touch my dog or I’ll have no choice but to inflict massive bodily harm on you.”

  Dane heard my yelling and came to see what the commotion was about.

  “Holy shit! What are you two doing here?” he said as he grabbed Spider up in a bear hug. “Damn, it’s good to see you. I should have known you’d come as soon as I gave you her address!”

  “You ask, I deliver,” Spider replied with a big smile on his face. He turned to me and said, “Why can’t I touch the dog? It’s got rabies or what?”

  “No, I’m just extremely protective of the dog and I don’t want her lunging at you and having you thinking she’s vicious and hurting her. Oh, I forgot. You had a pit bull didn’t you? I guess you do like dogs, but I don’t know if that guy does and I just want to make it clear that if anyone hurts Kitty they will die a slow painful death,” I promised.

  “Number one, you’re clearly crazy and it’s a damn good thing I came to rescue Dane from his continued bad taste in women. Number two, why is the dog named Kitty? Number three, how do you know I had a pit bull?” Spider asked.

  “I am NOT insane. I’m just very protective of my dog. Dane does NOT have bad taste in women. Well, at least not THIS woman.” I rolled up my sleeves and added, “See…no track marks. I knew about your dog because Dane thinks very highly of you and he told me about his life back in Chicago.”

  Spider eyed me up while leaning down to pet Kitty. She flopped over on her stomach for a belly rub and that pretty much did him in. He started to scratch her in all the right places and completely fell prey to her doggy charms.

  Dane nodded his head at the other guy and said, “How did Spider get you to come all this way? He must have bribed or blackmailed you to drive him here. I’m really sorry for sticking you with all the work these past few weeks. You’re probably going to kill me, aren’t you?”

  I took this as my opportunity to find out more about the second man.

  “Hello. Since no one else has any manners, I’ll introduce myself. My name is Izzy.” I stuck out my hand and it was instantly enveloped in a warm muscular grip.

  “Hello, Izzy. Pleased to meet you. My name is Ant.” His voice was so velvety-deep and intoxicating that I might have giggled.

  “Did you just giggle?” Dane asked.

  “Yes. Did you HEAR his voice?” I turned to Ant and said, “You should be a singer. Or a DJ. I bet you have girls lining up for you as soon as you open your mouth.” Did I really just say that out loud? Yeah, I guess so. It’s just that things had gotten so bizarre all of a sudden. I was expecting a distraught Monica and a normally crazy Winter, but instead I got a tattooed porn star and a younger, hotter version of Barry White. What the hell?

  Before I could further embarrass myself, the doorbell rang again. It must have been my invited guests arriving in the midst of all this chaos.

  “Can you guys take the dog into the living room? There’s not enough room for everyone in the hallway. Spider, I apologize in advance. Winter is going to lose her mind once she sees you,” I said.

  Before he could ask what that meant, I opened the door to a very confused Winter. She was dressed in a normal Friday night outfit consisting of black boots, tight ripped blue jeans, and a low cut burgundy shirt with lace cut-outs.

  “Is Monica driving something new? Why is there an old black muscle car parked in your driveway?” she asked.

  “Monica isn’t here yet. It must belong to one of the two dudes in my living room. You are going to piss yourself when you see what they look like.”

  “What are you talking about?” she asked as we walked down the hallway.

  Winter stopped dead in her tracks
when she saw the two men.

  “OH. MY. GOD.”

  Her eyes bugged out and she turned around to grab me and pull me into my bedroom.

  “Who the fuck are THEY? On a scale of one to ten, they’re both over a fifty. I’m dying right now. I’m literally dying. Why does it look like a male model convention in your living room?” she asked in disbelief.

  “I know, right? The tattooed one is Spider, Dane’s best friend who you were all hot and bothered to meet. The other guy’s name is Ant. I have no freaking clue how he’s involved in anything, but you have GOT to hear him talk. His voice drips sex appeal. I can’t describe it. It’s hypnotic. Where’s Monica?” I questioned.

  “I have no idea. I need to take a deep breath and collect my thoughts. Get your game face on, Winter,” she said, talking to herself. “You can do this, girl. He’s going to require you to pull out all your best moves and bring your ‘A’ game, but you’ve GOT this.”

  “Why are you giving yourself a pep talk?” I asked her.

  “Did you SEE him? He walked out of my favorite romance novel and came to life IN YOUR FUCKING LIVING ROOM!” she squealed.

  “What’s your favorite romance novel?” I asked.

  “It doesn’t matter! They’re all about tattooed bad boys, take your pick. Focus here, Izzy. I need to calm down and make him mine.”

  Dane opened the door to my room and said, “Um, Izzy, you’re going to want to come out here. Monica just walked in and something’s wrong with her.”

  Winter and I scrambled into the living room to find Monica standing there looking…well…most un-Monica-like.

  “What the HELL happened to you?” Winter asked her. I had no words to even ask that question. Monica stood there in white tennis shoes with the laces undone, yellow yoga pants that had stains on the knee, and a black sweatshirt that looked two sizes too large. Her face was completely free of make-up, her hair looked like it hadn’t been combed in days, and her eyes were puffy. There was a smear of something that looked like chocolate syrup on her face.

  “Trent. Trent is what happened to me,” she mumbled almost incoherently.

  “Ok. This is ridiculous. At some point my life turned into the twilight zone. Everyone shut up and listen,” I said. “Spider and Ant, these are my two best friends in the world, Monica and Winter. Monica is clearly having some sort of complete breakdown right now, so we need to attend to her before I can properly make introductions. After we figure out what the hell is going on with her, we can all make polite chit chat. Until that happens, I’m going to have to ask you two to step out of the way.”

  I grabbed Monica’s hand and led her to the couch. Winter followed, presumably getting whiplash while her head swiveled from Spider to Monica and back again at least five times.

  “Monica, sit down and tell me WHAT is wrong with you. We’re done pretending everything is fine. I want answers and I want them NOW,” I demanded.

  Monica nodded her head and confessed.

  “Trent and I have had problems for at least two months. I didn’t tell you guys because I know you hate him and I didn’t want you to rub it in my face that you were right and I was wrong. I’m never wrong. I make careful decisions and weigh all the pros and cons before I even pick a new brand of toothpaste. Choosing who you marry is quite possibly the most important decision a person can make. And I chose wrong. I chose completely, utterly, and painfully wrong. Trent is a controlling, arrogant asshole. I should never have gone through with the wedding. My brothers went to his bachelor party. All the guys went to a strip club. No big deal, right? Well Trent went into the back room with two of the strippers and the rumor has it that he got a blow job from one of them. At the very least, Murray saw him kissing one. Saw it with his own eyes. Do you think I believed him when he told me? Nope. I chose to believe that cock-sucker over my own brother. I convinced myself that Murray didn’t really see it because it was probably dark there and maybe he saw someone else. And it was probably just a rumor that Trent got sucked off by the stripper. No one can prove it, right? So I went ahead with the wedding anyway and ignored every gut instinct I had that told me to RUN. I was an idiot. I stuck my head in the sand and believed what I wanted to. I turned a blind eye. I thought it was just pre-wedding jitters. Fast forward to right now. I can’t get pregnant because we’re rarely in the same room together, let alone having any sex at all. Trent is always at work. He wasn’t happy with his home office anymore. No, he had to work in Bridgeport and network with the other hotshot financial advisors. He had to be around his own people. He doesn’t want a baby. He wants money and power and a very important career and a wife who also wants those things. I just want a baby and someone to come home to every night. Not someone who works crazy hours and doesn’t even bother to call when he’s going to be late.”

  Monica turned to Dane and said, “All the signs were there. All you men are alike. He started working longer hours away from home and taking calls on his phone in the other room instead of right in front of me. He started going to the gym more and buying new clothes and new cologne. I put two and two together. I started paying attention to the credit card bills and asking questions. His answers were vague. So when he had to work late again on Wednesday, I finally went to Bridgeport to his office to see if he was really working. He certainly was. He was working on banging one of his co-workers. He had her bent over his desk fucking her up the ass like it was it was the most normal thing in the world. I started screaming and crying. He had the nerve to give me the old ‘it’s not what it looks like’ line. Well it sure as hell looked like he was jabbing his prick in her fudge-hole. I told him as much and he had no choice but to confess. He’s been diddling his whore for the past three months. He tried to somehow make it all better by telling me he used a condom every time and it’s not like he was going to get her pregnant or anything. You want to know the kicker? Usually in these cases it’s the middle-aged businessman cheating on his older wife with some young twenty year old who has fake tits and a name like ‘Candi.’ No, no, folks. Not my husband. His side piece is forty-two years old! She’s actually not one of his co-workers, but one of his bosses. Evidently she understands what it’s like to be in his line of work and she’s as power-hungry and materialistic as he is. She didn’t look one bit guilty the entire time I was standing there having a fit. That twat actually looked smug about the whole thing, like she was glad they got caught. I managed to drive home and not wrap my car around a tree. I don’t know how I did it. I just kept thinking that I didn’t understand why. What did she have that I couldn’t give him? I’m younger and just as successful. I own a whole furniture business. I dress the right way and eat the right way and act the right way. I’ve been with him since I was twenty-one years old. That’s five years that I completely wasted. I will hate myself for the rest of my life and second guess every decision I ever make from now on. I didn’t listen to my friends or my family. I’m a miserable failure.”

  “You are NOT a failure, Monica. It’s completely NOT your fault that Trent is a piece of shit,” I said in an effort to somehow console my best friend whose life was falling apart before my eyes.

  “You know that you have to leave him, right Monica?” Winter gently asked.

  “Oh, that process is already in full swing. I went to my lawyer yesterday and had papers drawn up immediately. We have a pre-nup so I’ll be fine financially. I also went to the gynecologist for a full battery of tests to make sure Trent and his dirty slut didn’t share any diseases with me. My doctor insisted I piss into the cup and take a pregnancy test just as a routine precaution. It came back negative of course. I know it would have been awful to bring a baby into that situation, but I still sobbed. Like maybe if I would have been pregnant then one good thing could have come from this mess. But no, I didn’t even have that.” Monica put her head in her hands and wailed uncontrollably.

  Winter and I took positions on either side of her and held her. There was nothing to say and nothing to do i
n this case. All we could offer was a comforting presence.

  “It could always be worse, Monica. Imagine if you found this out ten years from now and had three kids already. You would feel horrible and you might have stayed in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children,” I suggested.

  “Or he could have decided he didn’t want three kids and abandon you like my dad did with me and my two sisters,” Winter offered.

  “At least you still have your parents and brothers around to help you pick up the pieces. Some of us have no family at all,” Dane said, trying to help in some misguided way.

  “And if you would have stayed with the guy instead of opting for divorce… and threatened him into giving you the children you’re so desperate for…the kids would have seen through the lies and how much he resented you for making him stay. They would have seen the pain on your face every time you had to look at him and know what he did and what he probably continued to do. He would treat the kids like shit because he didn’t want them in the first place. You would grow distant and drown your sorrows at the bottom of a bottle and turn into a cold selfish bitch who only cared about what pills she could mix with her wine to help her forget her problems. That’s not the kind of life you want, Monica,” Spider said with a mix of anger and bitterness. I’m guessing he spoke from experience and didn’t pull all that off of the top of his head. Wow. Who WAS this guy?