Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  I hung my head and walked past her. Instead of blowing off her snide remarks, they dug their way into my wounded soul and I almost started to cry again. What was the matter with me? How did I get so broken?

  As I kept walking, something in me snapped. I realized I was working at Kharmma Cosmetics and if I wanted my life to get back on track, I was going to have to do something to change it myself. If you expected to receive love and happiness from the universe, you had to put positivity and hope back into it. Same as a recipe. If I put rotten apples and moldy crust into the oven, I wasn’t going to get an award-winning pie. Life is what you make of it. You reap what you sow and all that. So I turned around and apologized to Libby.

  “Look, Libby. You’re exactly right. I had a horrible weekend. Dane left. Maybe I deserved it, maybe I didn’t. That’s neither here nor there. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. Having such a vile hatred between us isn’t doing me any good. I’m sorry that I took your parking spot. I apologize that something as simple as that caused a rift that lasted so long. People are starting wars over religion and politics. The fact that two people have such animosity over a stupid parking space is really absurd when you think about it. I have bigger problems than that. I am sorry. I hope you can accept my apology and we can end this needless drama. If you refuse, then please know that you will be carrying on the grudge by yourself. I’m moving on and lifting a weight off my shoulders. You have a good day. I mean that.”

  I walked up the stairs to start my day without looking back. I really didn’t care. I was done fighting over immature bullshit.

  As expected, my three co-workers took one look at my ragged appearance and they all began firing questions at once. I told them that I didn’t want to talk about it. They respected that and I truly appreciated it.

  After a very long day, I went home. It broke my heart all over again when Kitty kept smelling the couch where Dane used to sleep. I’m sure she wondered where he was. She also went over to his bag and nudged it and looked up at me. Yes, he left his bag and all of his clothes here, too. If I said I wanted to throw it in the trash, I’d be lying. I fell asleep holding his shirt in my hands and crying. I’m pathetic.

  Tuesday, January 26

  Much to my surprise, today actually went a lot better than I expected.

  Libby managed to greet me with a small head nod and half a smile. That was a vast improvement from the usual sneer and eye roll. Maybe she actually listened yesterday and we could be civil to each other.

  “Nice to see that your clothes match today,” she said.

  I raised my eyebrows at her and she smiled. I was going to take it as an “I’m laughing with you and not at you” kind of smile.

  I got a text from Winter at lunch. She told me to be at Rita’s house for an emergency dinner tonight and that she wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. So much for my plan to be anti-social and avoid human contact for the rest of my life.

  Kitty was very excited to go to Rita’s house and see her feline friends. I figured I could just pet her all night long and not have to talk to anyone. Like that would ever happen.

  I was greeted with wonderful smells of deliciousness the second I opened Rita’s door. Kitty ran in to get affection lavished upon her and I contemplated just going home and coming back to pick her up in a few hours. That didn’t happen either.

  I was attacked by Winter and Emma. Literally. They both put their arms around me and hugged until I lost all circulation in my body and I felt my face turning purple.

  “Welcome back to the single ladies club. At least you got out for a few weeks and enjoyed yourself. I never left!” Emma moaned.

  “Wanna borrow my vibrator?” Winter asked.

  “What the hell is the matter with you two? Get off me!” I yelled.

  “Well, she isn’t sobbing. That’s a good sign, right?” Emma asked Winter.

  “I’m sure she’s just hiding all the agony and putting on a brave face for us. Isn’t that right, Izzy? Tell us how you FEEL. Are you FEELING okay? Get it out, girl. Would you like a tissue?” Winter asked me, dripping with sarcasm in a failed attempt to get me to laugh.

  “Seriously, are you two on drugs or what?” I asked them.

  “Sadly the brownies are just plain brownies,” Monica explained while coming out of the kitchen. “There’s not any drugs in them. I already ate three. I would know by now if they were special.”

  I looked down at my feet and didn’t comment. I was uncomfortable around Monica.

  “Are you going to avoid me all night?” Monica asked me. “Winter told me that you feel guilty being upset about Dane because you feel like you have no right since the Trent problem is worse. You’re allowed to feel like shit, you know. There’s enough misery in the world to go around. I don’t hold the rights to all of it. I don’t WANT all of it. You can take some off my plate, ok?”

  I felt my chin quiver as I rushed over to hug Monica. I might have squeezed the life out of her even worse than Winter’s death grip on me. Winter and Emma came over to complete the group hug.

  “I hate men!” I yelled.

  “They’re all rat bastards!” Monica agreed.

  “Let’s all vow to remain celibate the rest of our lives!” Emma exclaimed.

  “I wouldn’t go THAT far,” Winter said, teasing her sister. “Damn, girl. It’s not much of a change since you’re celibate anyway.”

  Rita interrupted our freak fest to call us into the kitchen. She insisted on hearing all the details of the Trent/Monica situation, the follow-up vandalism of the Porsche, and my “dear john” letter drama. Everyone’s plates were empty by the time the stories were all told. It was quite the recap. It brought into focus just how depressing our lives had become. Monica assured us that she was moving on in record time and this was the absolute last time she was ever discussing Trent again. She was perfectly happy to make me read Dane’s letter four times. Yes, I brought it with me. I passed it around for everyone to see like it was show and tell. I think it made Monica feel a bit better that she wasn’t the only one with bad judgement when it came to men.

  “I just can’t believe he left without an explanation. It makes no sense,” I said, completely frustrated. This comment was met with several nods of agreement from around the table.

  “Oh no!” I smacked myself in the forehead. “I just realized something!” I said, while my eyes bugged out.

  “Is your period late?” Winter asked. “Did you NOT use protection? I KNEW I should have forced you to take some condoms when we were at the bar. Damn it, Izzy! Have I taught you nothing?”

  “Of course I used birth control, you nut job. As a matter of fact, I got my period yesterday, which is NOT helping my mood,” I admitted. I turned to the group and explained, “What I just realized before the pregnancy police interrupted me, was that I sound like a pansy-ass girl in one of Winter’s romance novels. You know, the over-used plot line to create conflict when the man leaves town because of a stupid misunderstanding that could have been prevented if he would have told the girl instead of running off like a giant moron. I’m a cheesy romance novel cliché!” I howled.

  “Geez,” Monica said, “You DO have PMS, don’t you?”

  “No, it’s DMS. During Menstrual Syndrome. There is no ‘pre’ about this shit. She’s here and she’s raging!”

  “So what are you going to DO about it?” Rita asked.

  “Take a Midol?” I replied with a shrug.

  “No, not THAT. What are you going to do about Dane? Are you going to write him off as a bad choice and let him go…or are you going to take action?”

  “He doesn’t have a Porsche for her to destroy, mom. Her options are limited here,” Winter explained.

  Rita slowly shook her head, most likely wondering why she was the smartest one in the room. “Are you going to fight for him, Izzy? Or is he not worth the bother?”

  “He’s definitely worth fighting for,” I said. “I’ve given it a lot o
f thought over the past few days. Talking it out with you guys helped me come to a conclusion. Do you know what the difference is between Polly Positive and Nancy Negative? Nancy sits around bitching and moaning. Polly gets off her ass and grabs life by the balls. I’m grabbing life’s nuts and holding on for all I’m worth!”

  “So what’s the plan?” Winter asked. “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t get that far yet,” I admitted.

  “What would Polly Positive do?” Monica questioned.

  “She would get off her lazy ass, quit bitching, and go get her man back,” I replied. “That’s the plan. Who’s with me?”

  Winter raised her hand and said, “I’m in. Let’s roll!”

  “Count me in, too,” Monica responded. “Do you know where Dane lives, Izzy?”

  “No, but I have Spider’s cell phone number. Dane left his phone here and he had Spider’s number in the outgoing call log. I’m sure Spider can lead us right to Dane. No worries there.”

  “Way to use your mad sleuthing skills, girl!” Winter said, complimenting me on my detective work. “The phone will lead us right to them. They would have gotten away with it, if not for those pesky kids and their dog! Right Scooby?” Winter petted Kitty behind the ear and my dog wagged her tail. I think she was glad to be part of the crime solving group.

  “So you’re suggesting we just get in the car, drive to Chicago, call Spider, and ask him where to find Dane? Nothing crazy about that at all!” Monica said, shaking her head as if we were insane.

  “Well, not right this very second. I have to work tomorrow. Maybe we can go this weekend?” I asked them.

  “I would be happy to watch Kitty while you go to Chicago,” Emma offered.

  “I’ll take off work on Friday. We can take my car. I’ll plot the fastest route to get there and I’m going to want to leave early to avoid rush hour traffic,” Monica kindly explained.

  “Are you ORGANIZING something, Monica?” Winter asked in disbelief. “Does that mean you’re finally turning into your old self again and getting off the crazy train?”

  “No. I’m finding a delicate balance between the new me and the old me. I’m still riding the rails.”

  “Yeah, I knew you couldn’t stay crazy for long,” Winter admitted. “It’s not in your nature. I can take off work on Friday. I’ll pick out the music for the car. I’ll make a whole road trip play list. This is going to be so much fun!”

  “Except for the fact that we have NO idea what we’re walking into!” I said, bringing them back down to earth. “We have no clue why Dane left and what he has to get straightened out. It could be some seriously messed up stuff.”

  “Live for today. Tomorrow might not come,” Monica reminded me. “We’ll figure out what happens on Friday when we get to Friday. Right now we drink to lifelong friendships, mutual hatred of stupid men, and doing crazy-ass shit we’ll remember when we’re old!”

  She raised her glass in a toast and we all joined in. I loved my friends.

  Rita left us alone to finish planning our Friday escape, and the conversation turned into a gossip fest.

  “Hey! I just thought of something. What ever happened with Stacey and Ant?” I asked Winter. “Did she say anything to you at work?”

  Winter spit out a giant mouthful of wine and started laughing uncontrollably as if I’d just said the funniest thing in the world.

  “Holy FUCK! I completely forgot to tell you guys! I didn’t see Stacey until today. She told me the whole story! I guess Ant went home with her and she treated him to a wild night. I have no idea what her place looks like, but she hinted around that her bedroom has some extra special additions that you would not normally find in a bedroom. I don’t know what that means, but it must be something amazing. Whatever she did with Ant, he’s absolutely obsessed with her. Her cell phone kept buzzing in her pocket until she had to turn it off because it was so distracting. I guess he keeps calling and texting her and asking when she’s going to visit him in Chicago. He even suggested driving all the way here in a few weeks to see her again. I asked for the details of what went on between them that night, but she just shrugged and said it wasn’t anything worth mentioning. Can you believe that?”

  “So one night of passion has him begging to come and see her again, and Dane takes off without a second thought after two weeks with me? I have got to get Stacey to tell me what she does. She’s insane!”

  “She is NOT coming on the road trip with us,” Monica declared. “I think she might have been flirting with me that night. She kept dropping not-so-subtle hints that I should go back to her place with Ant and have a private party.”

  “Yeah, I know. She has a thing for threesomes. She tried to get me and Dane, too.”

  “Well she must be doing something right if she has Ant so addicted to her,” Winter said.

  We tried to come up with the kinkiest things we could think of trying to speculate on what exactly Stacey actually did in the bedroom. Emma blushed, I almost wet myself from laughing so hard, Monica told us stories of things she’d seen in porn movies, and Winter pulled up weird sex toys on her cell phone to show us what crazy stuff was for sale online.

  This was exactly what I needed. A night to bond with my girls and forget about men. I’m pretty sure that Monica needed it even more than I did.

  Wednesday, January 27

  Spider

  Spider picked up the phone and put it back down again. It was obvious by the look on his face that he really did not want to make this phone call. He sighed in frustration, picked the phone back up, cursed, and dialed.

  “Hello?” a female voice on the other end of the phone answered with a bit of a hesitation. Spider got her number from Ant, who got it from Stacey.

  “Is this Winter?” Spider asked. He knew it was Winter. He could tell by her voice.

  “Is this an asshole that I have no desire to speak with?” Winter replied. She must also have recognized his voice, because her caller ID would have shown an unknown cell number.

  “I KNOW this is you. No one else mouths off to me like that.”

  Click. Winter hung up the phone.

  Spider was not accustomed to women hanging up on him, turning him down, or doing anything that went against his wishes. Women usually clung to him desperately, refusing to give up no matter what he did to piss them off. He attracted clingers and stalkers. It’s not his fault that he was so damn irresistible. Women loved the bad boy musician. It didn’t hurt that he was covered in tattoos, piercings, and wore a disinterested scowl everywhere he went. The ladies loved a challenge. They all wanted to be the one to tame him. For some reason every single girl on the planet just knew he had a heart of gold and they wanted to be the special one to bring out his inner teddy bear. The joke was on them. He had no heart at all, let alone a fuzzy cuddly one. Spider was a one-and-done kind of guy. One night and then he was done with them. But this Winter girl was seriously getting on his nerves. He took a deep breath and dialed again.

  “What do you want douche-breath? You have thirty seconds to say whatever it is you have to say and then I’m hanging up on you again.” This was how Winter answered her phone.

  “You don’t make the rules. You follow them. I talk, you listen,” Spider demanded in a desperate attempt to gain the upper hand.

  Click. It didn’t work.

  Spider counted to ten. Forwards and backwards. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to keep his temper in check. That girl was making him crazy. This time he spoke as soon as the call went through.

  “Winter, please don’t hang up on me. I’m asking you to listen. This is important. It’s about Dane and Izzy.” He paused to see what she would do.

  “Go ahead,” Winter said, “I’m listening. But only because you said ‘please’ with so much sincerity. I actually believed for a second that you might not be a piece of shit. Carry on.”

  Spider could not believe the way she talked to him. Who did
this girl think she was?

  “I have no idea how Izzy is handling all of this, but Dane is not doing well at all. I had every intention of showing up last Friday, talking some sense into Dane, bringing him back to Chicago, and things returning to normal. That hasn’t happened. It’s really bad here right now. Really fucking terrible. I just wondered what was going on there.”

  “Why should I tell you? Give me one good reason! You obviously hate Izzy, so why should you care what’s going on here? Maybe Izzy is doing fine. Maybe I had dinner with her last night and she laughed like she didn’t have a care in the world. Maybe it’s none of your fucking business what’s going on here. Maybe the world doesn’t revolve around you and Dane.”

  “Dane’s world isn’t revolving at all, okay? One of us has to be honest here, and it’s clearly not going to be you. So let me tell you how Dane is doing. The whole four hour drive back to Chicago, all he did was talk about Izzy. How she was smart and funny and beautiful. How good she treated him. How she made him laugh. How we only left her house ten minutes ago and he missed her already. How he was making the biggest mistake of his life and maybe we should turn the car around. How he couldn’t imagine the look on her face when she read his stupid note and how much hurt it was going to cause her. How he would never forgive himself if he fucked things up with her. How angry he was at me for not giving her a chance. How selfish I was that I didn’t see what she meant to him. He talked until he ran out of breath. I listened because I figured he needed to get it out of his system. I thought once he got back into the old routine, he would forget her and be done with it. Life goes on. Except when it doesn’t. In Dane’s case, it hasn’t. Dane hasn’t spoken to me since we got home on Sunday afternoon. He’s not eating, he’s not sleeping, and he’s not talking. Something inside of him is broken. It’s my fault and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe if Izzy could just call him and tell him she doesn’t hate him, then it would be better?”

  “That could certainly be a possibility except she has no way to call him since he left his phone at her house! Maybe if Dane wants to talk to her then he can be a man, pick up a phone, and call her himself instead of having his asshole, prick bastard, jerk-off best friend do it for him!” Click.