Crime Does Pay

by Vincent Monaco

  "So Mr. Julius Caesar, as a conqueror, did you conquer? What happened in there, because by the looks of it, it doesn't look too good? Are the events that took place in there so shocking and traumatizing that you can no longer speak the spoken word? Speak Goddamn It! Are you going to speak, or are you just going to dribble all over my chair? For a great sexual hound dog that you claim to be, this is not the reaction that I was expecting from a big experienced hound dog like you, what was said Paul? It looks like your big razzle-dazzle fizzled out and your big denuding plan of attack went to pot."

  In a sad and pitiful voice, Paul replies, "Just give me three to five minutes to recover from this ordeal and I'll tell ya what happened because it was a nightmare in there."

  While I return to my work, Paul shuts his eyes to take a ten minute snooze and when one eyelid opens halfway, Paul speaks of the nightmare in a soft and defeated voice:

  "I'll tell ya, it was awful in there. It was a very scary and a very frightening nightmare in there that will give me nightmarish dreams for many decades to come! I am totally confused, bewildered and I'm even more baffled about the ladylike ways of females that no longer exist. The hot sexy looks of hot strippers who look like angels, is really a deceiving trick played on innocent men who only wish to have casual sex and sodomy, what's so wrong about wanting a little pussy here and there from your mortgage broker, is wanting a piece of pussy a Goddamn Crime? Am I a bad guy to want a little sodomy from a stripper who is a whore, slut and pig anyway? Am I not allowed to sodomize the cum craving asshole of a slutty immoral stripper? Women are deceivers and the sexual hound dog was deceived by those two evil women. The sexual hound dog is just a sexy little love machine who's not accustomed to the evil schemes of wicked women, because I'm a lover and not a fighter. Why am I not allowed to have a piece of pussy when that stripper gives her pussy to fat Niggers, Spics and lesbians as well as whoever supplies her with her nightly fix of drugs in exchange for some hot wet pussy? What's the big fucken deal in giving me a piece of pussy when she gives her diseased cunt to cocaine trafficking Niggers? That stripper is not a nice girl because she's a very kinky girl, the kind that you don't take home to momma. That stripper is disrespectful and she has a bad vulgar mouth worse than a truck driver. I was close to washing her mouth out with a bar of soap. Every third word that she said, was the 'Fuck' word and I hate that! I hate it when a sexy girl curses with swearwords, women are not ladies any more because they're all Fucken Sluts, Whores and Nigger Lovers! Do you know what that pig did?"

  "Hound Dog, how the hell would I know what happened in there when I'm out here in my office working? I do not have X-ray vision to see through your walls. So tell me, what did the pig do?" Is the candid reply that I make and then, Paul proceeds:

  "In the beginning of our conversation, that slut reaches across my large desk and the stripper grabs my phone without even asking for my permission and that fucken slut has the nerve to dial some guy's number and with her filthy vulgar mouth, the stripper said to this salesman at some other dealership of where I know not, the stripper yelled, 'Where are my fucken deals that you fucken owe me You Fucken Scumbag? You said, I would have ten goddamn deals from you by now and I haven't got one deal yet You Lying Rat Fuck Son of a Bitch! You little fucken girls better strap on your Kotex because its going to get bloody if I don't get your fucken deals 'cause I'll bitch slap you like a bitch, Bitch! If yous lie to me again by not giving me ten fucken deals like you said you would when you fucked my pussy and ass, then you can go fuck yourself because you'll never fuck my pussy again You Fucken Indian Giving Motherfuckers! Paul, hang the fucken phone up for me You Fucken Lazy Douchbag Motherfucker! If you fuck me over by not giving me twenty deals Paul, I'll beat your fucken fat ass with a baseball bat! Don't let my big fucken tits fool you, because I can crack your fucken skull wide open with my baseball bat and you'll forever be, a Comatose Motherfucker! With my big baseball bat, I'll put you in the fucken grave Paul, so always give me all of your customer deals because I can kill you any time I want! I'll kill you with four whacks over the fucken head You Goddamn Goofy Bastard!' The foul-mouthed stripper then started to speak to me like that throughout the rest of our meeting and I was always called a Big Dirty Lowlife White Trash Motherfucker! She also called me a big mamma's boy because I'm a Sperm Swallowing Homo Motherfucker who is as manly as a Queer Motherfucker who takes it up the ass because you're not man enough to fuck my wet cunt, the stripper said. She also said, 'And now Paul, I'll pull aside my lingerie so you can see my bald pussy and this way, you'll know what you'll never have because this pussy will never sit on your face, unless you give me ten deals? Look at my cunt for the last time! If you want pink, show me green Bitch?' With her vulgar language, I lost all of my sexual mojo to fuck that stripper. But as the long meeting went on and on, I was quickly transforming from a sexual hound dog into a bloodthirsty werewolf and I could actually feel my nose growing longer and longer as saliva drips from my newly formed fangs growing sharper and sharper and my thoughts became animalistic visions of ripping those two whores apart with my long and sharp fangs. I need to rip the stripper's throat, tongue and tits out with my sharp fangs and I'll feed her foul tongue, fake tits and fishy cunt to the Niggers at the soup kitchen!"

  "I think its safe to say, that Mary Wagner and the stripper were well aware of your werewolf transformation by the way that they took off like a bat out of hell, they drove down Highway 19 like they were racing in The Daytona 500 Tournament."

  "That's because Mary Wagner and the stripper saw my sharp jagged teeth growing into deadly fangs as my face was getting hairier and that happened at the same time that my fingernails grew into sharp claws and like a wild bloodthirsty beast, I was drooling on my desk for the taste of the stripper's flesh. When I couldn't take the abuse no more, the werewolf in me howled 'You Cunts! I'm going to sink my claws and fangs into your fucken necks!' and as I was trying to jump onto my desk to wrap my hairy werewolf hands around their long skinny necks to strangle those cunts while my sharp fangs dismember those Bitches piece by piece, but by the time that I climbed onto the top of my towering desk, those two scaredy cats already opened my door and the pimp Mary Wagner and the stripper ran down the hallway at such supersonic speeds, that I only saw the cheeky round cheeks of the stripper's hot sexy ass that I would love to bite with my sharp fangs to spit chunks of her dismembered ass into the large soup pot at the soup kitchen. I'll eat the sexy stripper's hot ass like a raw hamburger! The werewolf in me was left standing on his desk growling with saliva dripping from his hairy snout."

  "Paul, let me know the next time when you have this hairy werewolf transformation, because I'd like to see it from start to finish." My reply is met with the humor of:

  "You'll see it today Vince, because I plan on becoming a werewolf at least eight to ten more times today, because there are other people who need to be slaughtered and dismembered and I'm in the mood to do it! So when I feel the wolf taking over my body, I'll run as quickly as possible into your office so you can see my werewolf transformation for yourself and when you see it, you will know that I'm not kidding you when I tell you that I'm a real bloodthirsty werewolf, because I'm what you call, the real McCoy, Ha, Ha, Ha! I need to do some serious brown-nosing with Brother Brent for awhile, because I missed the last two days of brown-nosing that Redneck. So the werewolf in me, will see you later. Where is that transvestite bitch hiding?"

  During the rest of the day, every hour or so Paul opens my office door to poke only his head in with his lips pulled back exposing his long yellow teeth while performing a sustained growl as if he's transforming into a ferocious werewolf, but what is truly funny about this, is that Paul did this whether I have customers in my office or not.

  I swear that the potent pussy juices of Sandra's pussy are so powerful, that it turns my teeth brown! Its like chewing tobacco all day long! I never became a gynecologist because when I was young and bashful, I could barely look a girl in the eye! But if I was a gynecologist, by now
I would be in prison for committing countless acts of rape and sodomy. Dr. Maltese will now see the next sexy girl for a vaginal and rectum exam.

  The Sexual Hound Dog, Paul D. Maltese

  VI

  The Wise Bull

  WHETHER THE AMOUNT of money is large or small, there is no small amount of money too small not to steal it and this also applies to fresh water fish, that of which brings us to the dastardly despicable event known throughout the mosquito infested swamplands of the corrupt State of Florida simply as As — The Great Fish Robbery!

  Shortly after Brother Brent Wainwright becomes one of the four co-owners of the dealership of which makes him an equal partner with Wayne Frier, Matt Frier and Todd Frier, at this time Brother Brent decides to change the configuration of the model homes in the lot. After a circular hole is dug with a diameter of sixty feet and once the hose fills the hole with fresh water, a smelly stagnant pond in the center of the lot that teems with gigantic mosquitos is the result and with this desired result, Brent then orders the construction guys to circle all model homes around his black murky pond that has the thick consistency of black sludge as if its a lovely town of expensive waterfront houses circling a large crystal-clear lake of a mountain retreat. With the black murky pond so blackish in color that you cannot see a thing, Brother Brent decides that the only thing missing, is to stock his pond full of fresh water fish that will delight and amuse the customers as they walk from one model home to the next model home while the customers fight the swarms of mosquitos attacking them. But in the relentless pursuit of crime, which compels Brother Brent to steal all of the fresh water fish that he needs to fully stock his muddy pond with fish stolen from his neighbor's backyard pond, of where he had drinks and dinner two weeks earlier that he used to search out the first fish that he wants to steal, which really serves no purpose at all, since the black murky water of his pond is black enough to prevent the visual sightings of a dinosaur, which means that a fifteen pound bass will never be seen but regardless of this fact, Brother Brent is determined to steal the fifteen pound bass that is about two feet long to start the stocking of his large mud puddle, I mean pond. With the diligent preparedness of a psychotic Boy Scout, his fishing rod is fully prepared with the correct lure to catch the fifteen pound bass that he has his eye on and with a self-admiring grin, Brother Brent boastfully relates this story:

  "After sitting in my pickup truck for three hours waiting for my neighbor to leave when finally, my neighbor finally leaves his house to drive away on a Friday afternoon and with the coast clear, I exit from my truck to hike in a roundabout way through the woods to arrive unseen at my neighbor's fresh water backyard pond that is stocked with many large fishes that I needs to steal for my pond and with my trusty rod and reel already prepared with the correct fishing lure that big bass love to attack with a big bite because it looks like a big juicy bug, I first locate the largest bass in the pond that I want to catch and since I'm one of the world's greatest fisherman, I cast my line perfectly over the large bass that I want to catch so I can transplant that fish into my man-made pond and since I'm one of the greatest fisherman in the whole world, it only takes me two hours before the big bass that I want lunges at my fishing lure, but that stupid fish misses my gosh darn hook! So I have no choice but to recast my buglike fishing lure over the largest bass in the large crystal-clear pond that I really want to catch in the worst way when 'Holy Big Splash!' the giant bass makes a big splash as he bites down on my fishing lure that hooks the bass and then, my fishing pole bends over like a happy transvestite receiving anal sex and I got so excited, that I almost had a very messy orgasm in my silk panties! As I reel in my long fishing line with extreme speed and as my tired arm turns the handle of the reel around and around to retract the fishing line and as the fighting fish is pulled closer and closer but before I put my large net under the big bass, I give the secret hand signal that is a wave to my brother-in-law Blair Bigelow (530-25-4303) who is waiting for my signal in the woods but since dumb Blair is not paying attention to me because he's looking at a Gosh Darn Grasshopper, I end up yelling 'Get your dumb-ass over here You Lazy No-Good Dumb-Ass!' and as Blair runs from the concealment of the woods to his getaway truck, I start to reel the giant bass in even faster than before because our timing must be so perfect if the big bass is going to survive the long trip to my big beautiful pond in the center of my big beautiful dealership. My brother-in-law Blair jumps into his truck and once the engine revs up, Blair drives his truck full speed across the big backyard of my neighbor's backyard to stop a few feet distant from me and by this time, I have reeled the giant bass within netting distance that allows me to scoop him up with my large net and after I yank the sharp hook out of his mouth, the big bass is put back in the net as I race around the front-end of Blair's truck to open the passenger door to put the thirty-six pound bass on the passenger seat and as the bass flips and flops on the seat, I yell out 'If this fish dies, then so will you Blair!' and Blair presses the accelerator peddle to the floor to burn rubber across my neighbor's big grassy backyard and as his tires tear up the green grass as he speeds away at high speed, its time to grab my fishing gear to run like hell into the woods so no one can see me, just in case a nosy busybody is looking out the window wondering why a pickup truck is driving across the backyard. Driving the truck at high speeds across the backyard is very necessary, because without oxygen the giant fish only has a matter of minutes before it dies from lack of oxygen. With the threat of losing his cushy job hanging over his head, Blair presses the gas pedal down and his old truck zooms across the backyard and plows through a thick hedge of tall shrubs and bushes to hop over the curb to land on the road and the truck quickly zooms out of sight. Blair told me later on, that he blew past every red light without stopping because he was driving like a wild speed demon to the dealership in record time to hopefully make it to the watery waters of my sanctuary pond before the big behemoth bass croaks on the front seat. Halfway to the dealership, the fifty-six pound giant bass stops moving and by checking his vitals, the medical diagnosis is determined and the big bass is unconscious from being deprived of oxygen. Once reaching the outskirts of the dealership, like a psycho Blair cuts across the property to create a big dusty cloud of sand and debris shooting up from behind his truck and by driving at too high of a speed, Blair overshoots his stopping point and skids into the middle of the pond, of which turns out to be a good thing, because Blair is able to grab the big bass while jumping into the waist-deep water and with his hands around the big bass, he places the dead fish in the water but the fish is still dead or unconscious, but luckily, this is one of the rare times that Blair uses his little coconut to think of a wise solution. By holding onto the bass, Blair moves the fish back and forth in order to run water thru his gills to revive the world's biggest bass from the doorstep of death and Mr. Big Bass wakes up from being unconscious! In other words, Freddie The Fish becomes alive and with the release of the fish, the award winning bass sluggishly swims off to disappear into the black murky waters of my pond. After I grabbed my fishing gear to run like the wind into the woods, within seconds of camouflaging meself in the woods, of which is lucky for me, because my neighbor returned home and the old man sensing that something is wrong, suspiciously walks towards his fresh water pond when he suddenly notices the large tire tracks from Blair's truck and after he kneels to closely examine it, he then follows the long tire tracks to his pond and as the old man looks into his pond for the first time, he quickly notices that his prize winning bass is missing! The old man nervously looks through the grass along side the pond as if Freddie The Fish jumped out of the pond, but once realizing that this did not happen and that Freddie The Fish was kidnapped, the old man sits down and begins to weep and wail and that's when I began to laugh! Minutes later, while displaying a sad heartfelt sorrow, the old man slowly walks away while shaking his head in disgust of the human race, only to return to his pond minutes later to scrutinize each area of the pond while the old man scra
tches his head in disbelief. Could it be possible that the thieves missed Freddie The Fish and he's hiding in his favorite spot, the old man thought while he thinks nothing of jumping into the pond to look, but Freddie The Fish is not there? But the old man refuses to give up as he looks and looks and looks again, hoping and praying that Freddie The Fish will appear, but this time the old man had no more doubts about it and his beloved Freddie The Fish is gone forever as the sad old man yells to his wife 'Someone stole my Freddie! A thievin' pig stole Freddie The Fish!' as the old man scratches his head in utter disbelief that something this horrendous can happen in one's own backyard. Before leaving his beloved pond for the last time, the old man turns to yell in the direction of the woods 'What kind of a sick world do we live in, when your fresh water fish aren't even Safe In Your Own Goddamn Backyard? If I ever catch you Mr. Thief, you'll be swimming with the fishes!' and while the sad old man slowly walks away, I laughed at him! This is such a great story, that I need to brag about it for many years to come, because I just love happy endings, Ha, Ha, Ha!"