All Better Beautiful (Payton's Heart)

by C. A. Harms

  Hey Pretty Girl,

  I just wanted to tell you that I still think about you.

  I wish things were different and that you could give us a shot.

  I understand that your heart is with him but I just want you to

  know that I am here...anytime you need me.

  Still hoping you'll choose me,

  Yours Truly,

  Todd

  Aww that is so sweet, I folded the note putting it in my pocket and leaving the school still holding my rose as I walked to Casey car. I handed her the note to allow her to read his words and she looked up at me with a sad pouting lip and I rolled my eyes, "I know, I know. He's a sweet guy Case.” I wished I could shut what I felt for Dylan off, I told him I was moving on but the truth is nothing could make me stop loving him. I asked Casey to take my rose home and put it in water. I worked until close and was afraid of it wilting. It had been my first flower ever. I sat at the counter at work waiting for anything to happen it was so slow. I found my mind wondering thinking how much easier it would be if I could just give Todd a chance. He has such a kind heart.

  Casey took the rose in and was looking through the cabinet trying to find a small vase she knew her mom had a stash of them. Karen walked into the kitchen carrying bags of groceries followed by both Dylan and Carter also loaded down with bags. "Hey mom where are those little vases you have for flowers?" Casey asked still opening the cabinets looking through them. "There in the little cabinet above the stove. Did Seth give you a rose that’s so sweet, "Karen awed. Grabbing the vase and running it under the faucet she answered over her shoulder, "No its Payton’s she asked me to put it in water. Todd left it on her locker after school with a sweet little note. This is her very first flower ever from anyone so I know she is extremely flattered by it. She asked me to bring it home and put it in water for her. I thought I would set it on the dresser in our room so she can see it there tonight. I think Mrs. Mason's giving her a ride home tonight after work". Dylan placed what bags he had in his hand on the counter and left the kitchen going up to his room saying nothing as he left.

  I was so tired when I got home I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. I walked into the door and my phone started to vibrate. I pulled it out of my purse, looking at the screen...

  "Did you like your Rose?" Todd had asked.

  I got a warm little fuzzy feeling thinking about it and replied..."Yes I love it. So pretty, you know it’s my 1st one ever!"

  I held my phone in my hand still looking at the screen waiting for a reply as I stopped at the refrigerator for a bottle of water. I looked up to see Dylan sitting in the dark at the table. He startled me, "You scared me," I placed my hand on my chest. My phone beeped and lite up, I looked down at the screen the same time Dylan said, "You better get that your boyfriend might not want to be left hanging". He walked past me and straight to his room. "He's not my boyfriend," I whispered to no one. I stood at the counter for a few seconds then looked again at my awaiting text.

  "Payton Give me a chance to make you happy I promise I will buy you a rose every day and write you sweet notes all the time."

  How do I reply to that? Karen walked into the room to see me staring at my phone, "Payton are you okay?" I took in a deep breath and turned to face her, "Your son is a very hard person to understand. Have you ever considered having him evaluated for multiple personality disorder?" I wrinkled up my nose to keep myself from crying or getting emotional. Karen looked at me trying not to laugh at my comment, “He was stubborn from the beginning honey and it seems to get worse the older he gets. Can I tell you something though...he always comes around?" I felt no relief from that I actually felt unsure, "but what if I just can’t wait anymore for him to wake up? What if there’s this great person that wants to know me, who wants to be with me. A guy who knows my heart is somewhere else but still wants to show me what it feels like to have someone care. I have always felt unlovable like I wasn't worthy of love. There's this guy that wants to show me something different but I find myself holding back because I know that I have already given my whole heart away and no matter how hard I try I can't get it back, I not sure I want it back." I was standing there in the kitchen with Karen crying talking to her about Dylan and the hold he has on me. She brushed my hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear, "Follow your heart Payton, I am sure not going to stand here and tell you that I am not secretly pulling for Dylan to be the one. I am not going to tell you that I buy for one second that he doesn't care about you. But I am also not going to be the one to tell you that you shouldn't give Todd a chance either. That is a decision only you can make honey. But in no way should you let anyone influence your choice. Dylan is just like his father was…his ego and pride get in the way of a lot of things. But once you break through that wall, they love with their entire heart." I thanked her for talking to me and for listenin,g before I went off to bed.

  When I walked into Casey's room I found her lying in bed crying. She tried to hide it at first but then I made her talk to me "Payton I screwed up majorly I don't know what I'm going do my mom is going to hate me." I just listened after all she has been judge free and has always been there for me threw everything I owed her that in return. She lowered her head and looked at the bed and whispered. “I’m Pregnant," and then she lost it...she must have cried for an hour straight and then she fell asleep with her head on my lap as I lightly brushed her hair with my fingers. I moved her off my leg slowly and covered her up the best I could. There really wasn't room for me to crawl into bed with the position she was sleeping in so I grabbed a pillow and blanket then went out to sleep on the couch.

  I woke up to Carter practically sitting in my lap playing PlayStation. He looked back at me when he felt me moving around, "Hey loser, what happened did you and your girlfriend get into a fight?" Not sleeping very well and being a tad bit cranky I slapped him on the back of his head pushing him off the couch as I got up, “Shut up smartass." I went into Casey’s room and found she was still sleeping when I walked past her dresser I noticed the wrapper in the waste basket and the pregnancy test instructions were sticking out. I decided that I had better get rid of the evidence at least until she was ready to tell her mom. I grabbed the box and the wrappers tucking them under my sweatshirt. I found a brown paper bag in the kitchen cabinet and stuffed the contents into it. I turned to take it outside to the garbage and I was face to face with Dylan, "What are you trying to hide?" He snatched the bag out of my hands and looked into the bag. The look on his face at that moment was complete heartbreak. Like someone had just told him that everyone in his life that he had loved only had 24 hours to live. Complete devastation. "It’s not what you think", grabbing it back I went out into the garage and he followed right behind me. He grabbed me by the arm maybe a little too hard I yanked away from him and lifted the lid to the big garbage can in the corner stuffing the paper sack down as deep into the can as I could get it. I turned around to face him still fairly moody from my lack of sleep and completely surprising him with my actions, "Don’t you ever grab my arm like that again. It isn't what you think and even if I was pregnant it would be none of your business you have made it perfectly clear where you and I stand". As if missing everything I said except for the pregnancy part he seemed a little relieved, "So it was a false alarm then?" I was fuming now from his complete selfish immaturity and from him pretending that he even had any right to be involved in my personal life I moved in toward him about two inches from his face, "Listen Asshole I'm a virgin, tell me how I could possibly be pregnant. You walk around pretending that you care...you only want something to do with me when there's someone else showing me attention. You can't have it both ways Dylan. Just stay out of my personal life. If I decided to lose my virginity and sleep with every single guy I met well guess what, you can’t say a damn thing about it. You walked away from me after I told you I had feelings for you like none of it even mattered..." I pushed past him and opened the door to go back in. I stopped when I heard him reply, " I wa
s wrong,... I shouldn’t have let you go. I'll regret that forever; I should have said that I feel it too. Every day, every moment since you came back here the night Casey went after you. I've regretted that I didn't tell you I have feelings for you too. I just want to go back to that night and change the way I handled it but I can't change it and I am sorry." Without turning around showing him that he had gotten to me I simply said, "Yeah me too". I walked through the door leaving Dylan standing in the garage alone.

  I hid out most of the day with Casey trying to help her figure out how she was going to tell her mom. She had decided to wait until after Thanksgiving to reveal the news. I took a nap in the afternoon. Casey had left with Seth they were going to go somewhere and talk. I went out into the kitchen after I had woken up to ask Karen if she needed any help and found her with a group of ladies cutting, peeling and preparing a number of different things. When she noticed me she started to introduce me to everyone. I knew a few of them Grandma Dee, Aunt Mae and a few cousins. We all talked like I had been in the family forever. No one made me feel like an outcast or a failure. It felt nice to be included.

  Casey came home late Karen was a little upset she wasn't home to help with the preparations for Thanksgiving. They talked for a little while in the kitchen before she came into the bedroom. She laid next to me for a long while telling me about her day, her and Seth had decided that they were going to keep the baby. I told her about me yelling at Dylan. It seems such a small problem compared to what she was going through but she never made light of it. When it came to Casey and I no matter how big or how small it may have seemed our problems were always important to one another.

  Waking up to the smell of Turkey was definitely not something I was familiar with but it was a new favorite of mine. All of Karen’s family would be returning at 1 pm. I helped along with Carter and Casey to set the tables and bring in more chairs. Dylan had been hiding in his room for the last twenty four hours, avoiding me I am sure. I was okay with that because it just meant that I could pretend for a little while that none of it had even happened. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to walk upstairs and tell him that I was sorry for saying the things I had said. The inner battle I was fighting with myself was really beginning to ware me out. He made me so angry but yet when I saw him all I wanted to do was be in his arms. My entire life as far as I can remember I have waited scared for the next bad thing to happen, over all the years of have never felt safe until Dylan wrapped me in his arms the morning he and Karen came to that Farm house to get me. He was a security that I needed and even if it meant I couldn't have him the way I wanted him I still needed to know that he was in my life. Right now at this moment there was a huge distance between us and I was terrified of what that meant.

  I was standing at the sink washing my hands and without turning around I felt him walk into the room. He never spoke to me or to anyone he just opened the refrigerator and for a moment I held my breath. "Dylan don’t ruin your appetite were eating soon,” Karen hollered from across the room. The refrigerator door shut and I could still feel his presence. My heart began to race. I dried my hands on the towel and turned toward the table seeing him looking in my direction from the corner of my eye. I walked around the table and grabbed my water, "Is there anything else you need help with Karen?" I asked looking down at the table where she and Casey were folding napkins. She looked up at me and wrinkled up her eyes and then looked over at Dylan, “No honey thank you I think we got it." I walked passed Dylan and straight to the family room grabbing my book of the coffee table and sat on the couch. I opened it staring at the pages. Tears filling my eyes I blinked them away. Time had passed as I still stared at the same page not actually even reading one word. I knew what I had to do. This was Dylan's home and I was interrupting his life. What Right did I have to be here? He shouldn’t have to hide in his room to avoid me. I knew I was going to have to find somewhere else to live. Seeing him daily was just too much. I should have never let out that I cared for him. It made everything difficult and uncomfortable not just for him and I but for anyone who was in the same room. It was obvious tension, you didn't have to look for it, and it was definitely very much there.

  Thanksgiving dinner was great with the exception of Dylan's eyes burning into me every secondt. I met his gaze a few times and I wasn't sure but at times he looked like he was hurting and just when I started to soften thinking maybe I should talk to him, his look changed. He would glare at me like I was his enemy. All of the kids had gathered in the family room playing games and talking. Dylan was sitting on the couch with Carter and couple of his cousins playing the PlayStation but he was turned in the chair just right that he could see me. Casey and I were sitting at the table to the back of the room playing 'go fish with a few of their younger cousins. Trevor, Aunt Mae's son sat next to Dylan looking back and forth between the two of us. I ignored the feeling of being talked about and just stayed playing cards and laughing like I had no worries. "So Dylan how long you going to pretend you don’t like that girl", Trevor questioned Dylan. Dylan still looking directly at me responded to his older cousin, "It doesn't matter Trev I already screwed that one up...I could have had her but I just pushed her away. I just pretended to be too proud to date a seventeen year old girl. I guess my sister was right I am an asshole". He got up from the couch and left the room. I looked at Casey, "I can't keep doing this Case, and it has gone too far. He shouldn't feel uncomfortable in his own home." I excused myself I needed to talk to him.

  Chapter Eleven

  When I made my way into the kitchen I looked around and made a connection the Karen's puzzled look. She looked at me for a moment and then pointed toward the back door. I grabbed a sweater that hung on the back of one of the bar stools and walked out to look for Dylan. I saw him standing out by the pool as I approached I think he could sense me and once I was within a foot of him, "I'm sorry about the other morning. You were right it isn’t my business. I have no right to question you, no right at all." I placed my hand on his shoulder blade and I took one more step toward him. He turned and we looked at each other. I pulled my hand back putting it into the pocket of the sweater. "It's really gotten weird between us. We used to be able to laugh and joke with one another and I found myself thinking what brought us to this point. We’ve reached the point where we can't even say hi to each other without glaring or sounding angry. I realized that it's me..." he wanted to interrupt and began shaking his head no..."shh let me finish please. I never should have told you that I cared about you. I should have just kept it in. I have made you feel uncomfortable in your own home by me being here and for that I'm so sorry. I know how that feels. I know what I need to do." He looked hurt but I went back inside and to Casey’s room. I hid away for the rest of the day. After everyone had left I knew that Seth was coming over and that Casey was going to tell Karen. That was a family matter and I needed to stay away. I asked Karen right before Seth came if I could take the car and go for a drive. She agreed but not without first asking me if I needed to talk. I had told her that everything was fine that I just needed a little time by myself. I drove around for a while I found myself sitting in front of my old house. I stayed in the car just looking at the run down place, remembering the heartache and the pain that lived within those walls. Flashbacks of all the abuse and mean words he spoke.

  Dylan walked into the kitchen at just the wrong time, “I just can’t believe I am hearing this Casey, I thought you were being safe. We've talked about this over and over again. I'm not going to get angry, I'm not. I am just disappointed. How are you two going to raise a baby...?" Karen was expressing her concerns for the path that Casey and Seth are destined for. At first he thought he had misheard them and then he asked looking directly at Casey, "So the test was yours?" She glared at him and stood up placing her hands on the table leaning forward, "So what now you sift through my garbage..." He shook his head and looked at Karen. "Mom where's Payton?" Karen with tear streak cheeks replied, "She went for a drive"


  Dylan had driven around looking for his mom’s car for about an hour. Most places where closed due to the holiday and after unsuccessfully finding it he pulled over alongside of the road and grabbed his phone. He dialed and waited for an answer.....

  I heard my phone vibrating and because I had been heavily crying and didn't want to have to explain why I just ignored the call. After a few minutes it began ringing again. This went on repeatedly. Picking it up I noticed it was Dylan's number. I couldn't talk to him right now. I needed to think and he always seemed to cloud my judgment. Not his fault just because when I heard his voice or seen his face everything else seemed to fade. Yes even when we were mad at one another...he still affected me in ways I can’t explain. The calls stopped after about five minutes and then a text came through...

  "Payton you may not want to talk but I need to know you’re okay at least give me that!"

  Dylan had sent a message after I wouldn't answer his calls.

  I waited a moment when I realized if I don’t text back he is going to have everyone worried

  "I’m fine I just need a break"

  "I want to talk to you more; there are a million things I need to say that I haven't been able to. I owe you; I owe myself to be honest. Please can we meet somewhere and talk. Please."

  Dylan pleaded

  "No it's not a good time" I responded

  "Are you alone?" he send quickly

  "Yes Dylan I am alone. I just need time to think about something’s and some choices I need to make. Please just give me some time alone”

  I begged

  “Okay I will leave you alone, But not before telling you that I care about you very much. I haven't been fair to you and I apologize. I was wrong to act like our kiss meant nothing....It meant so much more than that. I know you have a boyfriend now and that’s great I just want you to be happy and I want to stop hurting you"