What I Need

by J. Daniels

  He lifts his eyes to my face. “So is that talk we were having that got interrupted,” he points out, cocking his head.

  Talk about starting off on a sour note. Yikes.

  “It is,” I agree, backing away slowly and maneuvering around the bed, while also maneuvering around this conversation. “And we’ll get back to that after you go out there and welcome him.”

  I’d hate for CJ to not take our talk well and have it affect him and Jake’s time together. I can wait another hour. Or two.

  “All right,” he says, jerking his chin at the dresser against the wall. “Toss me a shirt, will you?”

  I grab a t-shirt out of the bottom drawer and toss it to him. He pulls it on as I’m grabbing some clothes for myself—jean shorts, a bra, and my Beach Don’t Kill My Vibe tank top. I lay everything out on the bed.

  “Don’t take too long,” CJ says, giving me a look before turning toward the door, like he’d come get me and drag me out of this bedroom if I do just that.

  Tempting . . .

  CJ steps out and pulls the door shut behind him. Seconds later, I hear the loud, boisterous welcome he gives his brother as I’m stepping into my shorts. Jake’s voice is carrying down the hallway too. I can’t make out what they’re saying to each other as I finish getting dressed, but there is a lot of laughter. It’s sweet to hear.

  After taking a minute to brush out my hair, doing this so they have a little extra alone time, I step out of the bedroom and make my way back down the hallway.

  Jake is sitting at the kitchen counter with a glass in front of him, digging Fritos out of a small chip bag and popping them into his mouth. And CJ is standing across from him at the sink, arms pulled across his chest, smiling, looking happy as anything to be watching his brother chow down like a starving man. They’re not talking anymore so I don’t feel like I’m interrupting anything when I walk into the room. But I do gain both of their attentions.

  “Come here, darlin’,” CJ says, motioning with his head for me to join him while giving me the smile he was just putting on Jake.

  I hurry over and tuck under the arm he’s holding out, getting that draped around my shoulders. My hand curls around his waist, and I give him a squeeze, smiling up at him.

  “Riley, this is my brother, Jake.” CJ lifts his head and looks across the counter, and I follow his eyes while his arm around me tightens and draws me closer to his body. “Jake, you rude motherfucker, meet my girl.”

  Jake snorts.

  I do not snort. I inhale a sharp breath as bliss warms me all over.

  His girl.

  God, I love the way that sounds.

  I uncurl my arm from around CJ and extend my hand to Jake over the sink. “It’s nice to meet you, Jake. Now that I’m dressed . . .”

  Jake smiles, looking from his brother back to me, then he wipes his hand off on his shirt and takes a hold of mine, shaking it.

  Even though he’s younger than CJ, Jake has this tired look about him, as if he’s lived more years than his age. Shadows circle his dull blue eyes. He looks like he could sleep for months. He isn’t smiling at me the way CJ does. He’s being friendly, yes, but it almost feels forced, like he doesn’t have the energy but he knows it’s the polite thing to do.

  I amp up my smile, appreciating the effort. I’m sure he is tired. He just got home after God knows how long.

  “Complicated, huh?” Jake directs at CJ after releasing my hand. “The fuck happened to that?”

  “What?” I ask. I turn to CJ, watching him glare at Jake and shake his head.

  “Nothing,” he mutters. “He’s being a dumbass.”

  Jake laughs under his breath.

  “Would you like me to make you something to eat?” I ask, watching Jake hit crumbs in his bag, tip his head back and knock the last remaining Fritos into his mouth. “I made taco lasagna last night. I could heat you up a plate. It’s . . . well, it’s exactly how it sounds. Tacos in the form of lasagna.”

  He crushes up the empty bag in his hand, shrugging. “Sure. Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks.”

  “No problem.” I look up at CJ, meeting his eyes. I wonder how long he’s been looking at me? “Are you hungry? Do you want some?”

  “Yeah. Do you mind?”

  “Not at all.”

  CJ kisses the top of my head, murmuring his appreciation, then releases me so I can go about fixing him and his brother a plate.

  As I’m scooping out their servings and heating them up, I listen to their conversation.

  They talk about Afghanistan, but only briefly, and I get the impression from Jake’s short, to the point answers that this topic isn’t something he wants to elaborate on. His voice is tight by the time he changes the subject, putting the focus on CJ’s injury and getting the details of that night and his recovery so far. I carry the plates over to the counter and distribute them, along with forks and napkins. The guys are sitting beside each other, neither one of them looking up or breaking conversation when I walk over. I don’t mind. I know they need this. I’m sure they missed each other a lot. You can tell CJ is the older brother out of the two. He slaps Jake on the back and roughs up his hair, and Jake lets him. He doesn’t gripe at all. It’s sweet.

  I linger there, watching their reunion until CJ briefly glances at me before admitting to his leg still bothering him a good bit, and then I turn around and busy myself with dishes.

  I scrub a pan with vigor, getting the hardened egg off the bottom. My mouth set into a frown.

  I can’t help but feel a little sad. I know CJ isn’t supposed to be healed up completely yet, but I hate hearing about how much pain he's still in. I want him healed.

  I swear though, I think he’s bringing some of it on himself. I’ve caught him several times forgetting about his boot.

  “Babe!”

  I jump and whip my head around, keeping my hands under the water. “Yeah?”

  Shoot. Has he been calling me?

  CJ laughs at me through closed lips, his fork hovering in the air with a bite. “Jake was just saying how good your food is,” he shares, tipping his head at his brother and looking all kinds of proud of me.

  I turn to Jake. My brows raise. “Do you like it? It’s good, right?”

  He nods, chewing up his bite.

  I smile, wanting to do a little dance in celebration. I’m getting the family approval already. This is awesome!

  I dry my hands on the towel that’s hanging off the stove, then spin around to face the two of them. “Did CJ tell you about the fireworks tonight?” I ask. “There’s a parade and everything in town. It’s really fun.”

  “Yeah. I can’t go, though,” Jake replies. “People drink a lot at shit like that. I can’t be around it.”

  My smile fades as Jake looks down at his plate and forks more of his food.

  Crap. What is wrong with me? I know about Jake’s history with drugs and the way alcohol brings that urge on for him. CJ told me he was a recovering addict. He said Jake struggled with it for years, and still does. And people drink a ton while watching the fireworks. It’s like a big party in the middle of a field. I know this!

  I look at CJ to give him my silent apology for having this stupid idea in the first place, but he doesn’t seem the least bit mad at my suggestion. The eyes I meet are full of warmth, and his mouth is lifting in a gentle smile as he chews up his bite.

  “How long are you staying for?” CJ asks, turning back to Jake. “Are you hanging out here for a while?”

  Jake shakes his head. “Can’t. I only got approved for four days, and I need to go up and see Mom before I head to Katie’s. I just figured we could hang for a couple hours, if that’s cool with you.”

  “Yeah, man. Whatever you want to do,” CJ replies. “I don’t have anything going on until later tonight. We can chill here or head into town. I don’t care.”

  “Cool,” Jake mutters before scraping up another bite and shoveling it into his mouth.

  Nice. They are going to hang out today. G
et some brotherly time in. This is great.

  I smile, looking between the two of them.

  “Babe?”

  My eyes fall on CJ. “Mm?”

  “Do you want to finish telling me what was on your mind?”

  My mouth pulls down.

  Do I want to finish telling him what was on my mind? No. Do I need to? Yes. Just not with an audience.

  “Uh,” I look to Jake, then back to CJ, shrugging. “That’s okay. It’s fine. I can wait.”

  “You want me to step out?” Jake asks, brows lifting, reading my apprehension and interpreting it wrong.

  “No.” I quickly shake my head. “No, please eat.”

  “Darlin’, just say it,” CJ returns, eyes serious when he has mine. “You said you were worried about something. And there’s no way I’m going to be able to get that worry out of your head unless you let me in there.”

  “It’s fine. It can wait.”

  “Babe . . .”

  “I don’t think Reed should know about us,” I blurt out.

  His brows lift. “Say again?”

  I knot my fingers together in front of my stomach. “Uh . . .”

  Shit! I don’t want to repeat it. CJ doesn’t look like he’s going to take this news well at all. This could ruin his entire day with Jake.

  I pull my lips between my teeth and pretend I’ve gone mute.

  CJ cocks his head just as Jake pushes his stool back, dragging the legs against the wood.

  “I’m gonna step outside for a smoke. Give you two a minute,” he announces, standing and moving with purpose toward the door, and I know he’s really stepping out because I just made things crazy awkward.

  God, I hope I didn’t embarrass CJ. Why didn’t I just get this out while I was half naked, standing in the bedroom with him?

  When the door shuts behind Jake, I turn to assess my damage, but CJ doesn’t look embarrassed. He doesn’t look angry either. He looks unsettled. His brows pulling together and his mouth tense while he hunches over the counter, arms outstretched in front of him and hands steepled beside his plate.

  My stomach rolls.

  What the hell is wrong with me? He deserves an explanation. How could I say something like that and then pretend I've gone mute?

  “Reed hired Richard for the job he fired him from,” I begin, stepping up to the sink. “Did I ever tell you that?”

  CJ thinks for a beat, then shakes his head.

  “He liked him at one point,” I continue. “Richard said they got along, but then we started dating and for some reason, Reed would get on Richard about stuff at work, like single him out about things, and I don’t know if he was doing it because of Richard messing up or because he was dating me. But eventually Reed just started to hate him. And it made things really uncomfortable. He talked bad about Richard in front of me all the time and called him Dick. It put a strain on us. And I know Richard is basically the absolute worst, I know that now, but in the beginning when this all started, he wasn’t. Reed liked him, then we got together and he hated him. And the last thing I want is for Reed to start hating you. I won’t let that happen.”

  CJ drags in a heavy breath, then slowly lets it out. “Riley, your brother and I go back a couple of years,” he says, brow no longer furrowed, mouth no longer tight, but relaxed, and his eyes warm and full of understanding. “I get that you don’t want him reacting badly to this and hating me, but that’s something you need to let me worry about, darlin’. If he has a problem, I’ll handle it.”

  “You handling it might make it worse and then he could hate you even more,” I argue.

  “Babe—”

  “Please,” I beg. “Just don’t say anything. Not yet. I can’t have Reed hate you, CJ. I can’t ignore it like I did with Richard and pretend I don't care. Not when I like you this much.”

  CJ sits up taller, a look washing over his face like what I just said meant a whole lot to him. “Come here,” he orders, twisting his torso on the stool.

  I rush around the counter, step between his legs, and wrap my arms around his neck, getting gathered against his body.

  “If he asks me, babe, I’m not lying to the man,” CJ murmurs beside my ear. “That’s fucked up and a guaranteed way for him to hate me.”

  I nod, replying, “I know. I’m not asking you to lie. I wouldn’t want you to do that.” I lean back just enough to look into his face, forcing my grip to his neck and his hands to slide to my hips. “I want everyone knowing about us,” I say. “I promise. I love our secrets, CJ, but I don’t want us to be one. I just want to wait a little while before we announce it. And it could be a good thing. Look how well Reed reacted when I left him that message about us living together months after I moved in.”

  CJ’s mouth tips up in the corner.

  He knows exactly how Reed reacted. I told him. And even though my brother was pissed off at first, he quickly cooled down and accepted it.

  Hopefully, this won’t be any different. We just need to wait.

  CJ exhales a breath, pulling me firmer against him. “All right,” he says. “I won’t say shit about it tonight.”

  “Thank you.” I tip my head up, inviting him in for a kiss he takes without hesitation. When it ends, I snuggle close, allowing CJ to wrap his arms around me once more. “Do you want me to leave you two alone so you can properly catch up?” I ask. “I don't mind.”

  “We can properly catch up with you in my arms, babe. That’s where I want you.”

  I am so happy he says that.

  I smile against his neck. And while I do that, I wonder who holds the record for the time it took to fall in love with somebody, and further wonder if I’m on my way to breaking that record.

  It’s got to be close.

  Leaning back, I slide my hands to CJ’s face and go in for a deeper, hotter, heavier kiss he reciprocates with passion. Then I pull away, both of us panting, and press my lips lightly against his once more.

  “Tell me a secret,” he murmurs.

  I smile against his mouth. “I’m falling so fast for you.”

  My twelve-hour shift is uneventful, which is a surprise. I’m expecting a few firework mishaps, but the worst I get is this adorable little boy who closed his hand around a sparkler. He was brave about it, big fat tears spilling down his face, but no cries escaping him as he held his mother’s hand while the doctor and nurse I was shadowing did their thing. It’s rare that I get an adult who takes pain like that. But kids? They can be some of the bravest people. It’s inspiring.

  It’s almost nine in the morning by the time I get home, and I’m yawning like crazy. I don’t know how people work overnight. I don’t think I could do it. This whole sleeping with the sun up thing might mess with me, even though stepping inside the entryway of CJ’s house, I feel like I could drop right here. Before that happens, I set my book bag on a stool and head straight for the bedroom.

  CJ is still asleep, rolled up on his side and facing the window. I kick off my sneakers and move into the bathroom without disturbing him, strip out of my scrubs and sports bra, and wash up. I’m skipping a shower since I’m too exhausted for that, but I do run a wet washcloth over myself. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I exit the bathroom, walk around the bed, and climb in under the covers, snuggling against CJ’s warm chest when he lifts his arm as an invite.

  “Hi,” I whisper.

  He presses a kiss to my forehead, and in a deep, sleep heavy voice, asks me, “Did you have a good night?”

  “Yeah. I think I decided what I want to specialize in.”

  “What?”

  “Pediatrics.”

  CJ’s arm around me gives me a squeeze. “I’m sure you’ll kick ass at it like everything else. You’re fucking unstoppable.”

  He says that as if he knows I’d be good at this.

  God . . .

  I smile, leaning back to look at him and running my hand through his bedhead hair. “How was your night? Were the fireworks good?”

  “They w
eren’t bad,” he answers, shoulder jerking. “I’m glad Jake didn’t go though. There were a ton of people there getting fucked up.”

  “When will you see him again?”

  “Not sure. He can’t be taking leave all the time. And I don’t think he’s stopping here again before he heads back to South Carolina. He’ll want to spend that time with his girl.” CJ’s hand comes up, and his heavy-lidded eyes follow his thumb as he brushes a strand of hair off my cheek. “I’m glad I got to see him though. I worry about him.”

  “You’re a really good brother,” I say, gathering that from the little time I spent with the two of them, and just from knowing the kind of man CJ is. Our eyes lock. I grin, but hold it for less than a second before I’m breaking it with a yawn I can’t fight.

  CJ draws me against him again, laughing softly inside his chest. “I’m going to get up,” he murmurs, lips touching above my brow. “I got some stuff to do.”

  “Okay. I got some sleeping to do.”

  My eyes are closed before CJ’s pulling away, the bed dipping with his weight. I feel the sheet slide up my shoulder and tuck against my neck, his touch on my hip, and his breath against my temple before he presses a kiss there.

  “Night, darlin’.”

  “Morning,” I tease.

  He chuckles quietly and pulls away. And I never hear the door close. I’m asleep before then.

  My phone alarm wakes me.

  I stretch my limbs and snatch it off the pillow CJ uses, frowning at the screen.

  I know I didn’t put it there. I left my phone in the kitchen before coming to bed. And I also know I didn’t set my alarm.

  Yawning, I turn it off and check the time. It’s nearly eight p.m.

  Holy crap. I’ve been sleeping forever.

  The house is quiet. I don’t hear the TV on—or any noise for that matter—as I scoot out of bed and pull on my hoodie, going pantless for now. I’m just about to head out of the room and look for CJ when my phone beeps with a message.