In the Middle of Nowhere

by Julie Ann Knudsen

  “Do you feel better now?” he asked before he coughed.

  Even though I was still a little disappointed, I had relented. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “I can hear it.”

  Michael had gotten excited. “What are you doing next Saturday night?”

  “Nothing. Why?”

  “Wanna get together?”

  “Sure. Where?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll think of something special and let you know. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I had said before we signed off. I was actually excited about our date. I couldn’t believe I considered it to be a “date,” our first one.

  Now I was anxious for the school day to be over because I realized I’d be spending the next night with Michael. Plus my mom promised me I could go out. I didn’t care what we were going to do. I was over the moon at the thought of seeing him. His mere presence, even just his voice always seemed to calm me.

  I had to persevere through eight more grueling hours before the weekend was officially upon me and all the fun that was sure to accompany it.

  • • •

  Friday at school flew by. I went upstairs to my room when I got home and stayed up there the whole night. I only went downstairs to get something to eat. My mom tried to coax me into eating pizza with her and James, but I wanted to be alone and opted for a tuna sandwich.

  On the ferry ride home, I had texted Michael to see if he had any idea about what we would do the following night. I was getting ready to go to sleep and still hadn’t heard from him. I checked his MyWeb status and there didn’t seem to be any recent activity. The most recent quote under his profile picture read: Stand with me, lie with me, walk with me through the peaks and valleys of life. That was interesting, I thought to myself, but why wasn’t he getting back to me?

  I decided to put my cell phone on vibrate and stick it underneath my pillow in case he called. I was really tired and fell easily to sleep as I imagined the fun things we would do together the next night.

  When I woke up bright and early the next morning, I assumed that Michael didn’t call because I never felt my phone vibrate during the night. I checked it and saw that I was right; there were no new texts or missed calls from anyone.

  As I lay there, I, once again, wondered why I hadn’t heard from Michael and if I would hear from him at all. Maybe he was really sick and couldn’t text or call me. I was so confused. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. It went straight to his voice mail.

  I didn’t know what to do. I finally had plans for a Saturday night and wasn’t stuck home with my brother for once. Now I wasn’t sure if I was going to be doing anything besides sitting home miserably with my mother and brother.

  I contemplated calling Erica and Taylor to see if they wanted to maybe get together, but the two of them had avoided me like the plague since I had been honest about my feelings and their jealousy toward Tessa.

  At least Erica had reached out to me when she told me that some girls were calling Tessa and me whores. Taylor wouldn’t even glance my way when we passed one another in the hallways. I didn’t have time for their theatrics and decided I’d rather stay home and twiddle my thumbs than have to try and live up to their high ethical standards. I knew I wasn’t a whore and that’s all that mattered.

  I couldn’t believe this was happening again with Michael. I was more worried about him than mad at him, especially since he had confided in me about his illness. He had to have been really sick, I reasoned, or he would have definitely gotten back to me.

  I had done some research on CF and found out that the symptoms of the disease varied from person to person, some more serious than others. And the symptoms and severity of CF also varied over time. Sometimes a person may experience just a few symptoms, other times there could be many.

  The CF website said that over time, permanent damage to the lungs could cause severe breathing problems. Early treatment of the disease could improve both the quality of life and actual lifespan. Luckily, as the treatments for Cystic Fibrosis continued to improve, so did the life expectancy for those who had it.

  I couldn’t relax and lie down anymore. I sat up, grabbed my computer and, once again, checked out Michael’s MyWeb. Nothing. I started to worry. What if he was home, unable to breathe or in a hospital somewhere in Portland alone? I wanted to hear his voice, even if he was really sick, just to know that he was okay. My dilemma about what I was going to do on Saturday night and whom I would be doing it with now became the least of my worries.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Saturday slowly crept by and I still hadn’t heard a word from Michael. I was sick with worry, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, except sit around and hope that he contacted me.

  My mom took James out for lunch so I took advantage of being alone in the house and went downstairs to see if I could find something edible. I rummaged through the cabinets and couldn’t find anything. Finally my hand touched something in the back. I found a stale, hard bagel. I was hungry and desperate so I popped it in the toaster, figuring it couldn’t get any harder. I’d just smother the deadly weapon with cream cheese and hope for the best.

  Just as the bagel-rock popped up, my cell phone beeped, telling me I had a new text message. I didn’t recognize the phone number, but I opened it and read it anyway. The message was from Michael. He said that he was using his mom’s cell phone to text me. The rest of the message read: “So sorry about tonight. I won’t be able to get together. I’m in the hospital doing okay. I’ll call when I get a chance.”

  At first I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be seeing Michael later that night, but so relieved to know that he was doing all right. I wondered why he was in the hospital and when he went there. I hoped that he really was doing okay and that he didn’t just say that so I wouldn’t worry too much.

  Well, I couldn’t help myself. I started to worry. How long would Michael be in the hospital and how sick was he, I wondered? I quickly realized that I couldn’t solve anything by worrying, so I piled on the cream cheese and tried to think of what I would text back. “Feel better soon,” I wrote. I didn’t want to say any more in case his mom read it.

  I closed my cell phone and walked over to the table. As I sat alone in the cold, lonely kitchen and ate my tasteless bagel, I wished that it was nighttime and that the sky was dark and cloudless so I, too, could wish upon a star for the recovery of a sick boy whom I found myself falling for. Hard.

  • • •

  I spent most of the afternoon in my room surfing the net and listening to music. I still had homework to do, but wasn’t in the mood to do it. For that matter, I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. I was too worried about Michael.

  I heard my mother and brother return shortly after lunch. I wasn’t looking forward to spending the night home with the two of them and hadn’t yet told my mother that my plans were cancelled. Then I realized that I hadn’t even told my mom that I had any plans to begin with. I had avoided her as much as possible since her latest and greatest announcement. I tried not to think of my mom being engaged to Brian. I tried not to think of my mom at all.

  I didn’t know whom else to call to go out. For a split second I thought of Tessa. I wondered what she was doing, but thought better of it, guessing she’d most likely be going to some wild party. I didn’t want to socialize with people and make idle chit chat. I was in no mood.

  As if reading my mind, my phone rang. It was Tessa.

  “Hey. What’s up?” I asked.

  “Nothing. What are you doing tonight?”

  “I don’t know. Why?”

  “Wanna hang?”

  “Where?”

  “Dunno.”

  “You mean a party somewhere?” I asked.

  “No. No parties tonight. Wanna just come over here? I’ll pick you up.”

  “Will your brother be there?”

  “Yeah, but he’s already in a stupor. He won’t bother us.”

  “What time?�
�

  “I’ll get you at seven,” she said as she took a drag. “Wanna sleep over?”

  “Are your parents home?”

  “What do you think?” she snapped, as if I should always be up to date on her parents’ whereabouts.

  “I’ll have to ask my mom. You may have to come in and meet her, especially if I’m gonna sleep over.”

  “What am I,” Tessa asked sarcastically, “your babysitter?”

  “Forget it then!”

  “Fine, fine,” she huffed. “I’ll make sure to wear something professional, too. Maybe I’ll borrow one of the outfits my mom wears to her charity events.”

  “Ha, ha. Funny. You have to act mature and tell my mom that your parents will be home if she asks.”

  “I’m always mature, Willow,” she said and blew her smoke into the phone.

  “And,” I added, “don’t smoke before you come here. I don’t want you smelling like it.”

  “Are you serious? Am I gonna have to take a Breathalyzer, too, for Christ’s sake?”

  “Then forget the whole thing!” I yelled.

  Tessa relented. “Alright. Calm down. I’ll act all proper and shit and behave like a young lady and won’t drink or smoke until we get back to my house.”

  “Okay. See you at seven,” I said and hung up.

  I stood and walked over to my mirror and studied my reflection. I looked pathetic, like I just rolled out of bed. I turned toward my closet. First I wanted to pick out a cute, but comfortable outfit and then I’d shower.

  In the meantime, I had to think about how I was going to convince my mother to let me stay overnight at Tessa’s, when I had never even mentioned her name before. I didn’t know why my mom would care where I slept. Sometimes it seemed like she cared too much about what I did or with whom I did it, but other times I felt as though my mother was so wrapped up in her own little world, she didn’t care about me at all.

  • • •

  Tessa rang the doorbell promptly at seven. I ran down the stairs to answer it. I wanted to take a whiff of her to make sure she didn’t reek of smoke or booze, for that matter. I just never knew with her.

  I was surprised earlier when I had asked my mom if I could go over to Tessa’s and spend the night. I told her that Tessa would come inside so she could meet her first. I felt as if I was going on a date.

  My mom had said, “yes,” so easily. What was up with her, I wondered? Maybe she felt guilty for making me stay home with James the Saturday night before or because she knew how unhappy I was that she was planning a future with Mr. Roberts. That’s what I felt like calling Brian from now on; Mr. Roberts, just to show them both how much I disapproved of their impending union.

  I should take advantage of her guilt and ask her if I could get my driver’s permit soon. I had already asked her a bunch of times and she had said, “no,” each and every time.

  Tessa looked nice. Thankfully she didn’t follow through with her threat and wear one of her mother’s suits. Again, I never knew with her. She had on a down jacket, pair of jeans and UGG boots. I too settled on my UGGs, a comfy sweater and pair of yoga pants from PINK.

  Tessa followed me into the kitchen where my mom stood, baking cookies.

  I cleared my throat. “Mom, I’d like you to meet my friend Tessa.” I sounded so ridiculous, like I had just finished interviewing Tessa for a position at a company where my mom was the head of HR.

  Respectfully Tessa stuck out her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Flynn.”

  My mother surveyed Tessa from head to toe before she wiped her hand on her apron and reciprocated. “Nice to meet you, too.”

  My mother smiled. “Will your parents be home tonight, Tessa?”

  Without missing a beat, Tessa answered. “Yes, they will be, Mrs. Flynn. Would you like me to call them, now, so you can speak with them?”

  I almost keeled over. Why the hell did Tessa say that? We both knew very well that her parents weren’t going to be around. Why would she offer my mother the chance to talk to people I had never even met?

  My mother put up her hand and shook her head. “No, that’s alright, dear. Maybe another time.”

  Tessa looked over at me and smirked. She was a piece of work all right. Somehow she knew my mother would say, “no.”

  “Gotta go,” I said as I spun on my heels and headed for the front door. Tessa was right behind me. I grabbed my overnight bag and my North Face and practically ran to Tessa’s car so my mother wouldn’t have the chance to ask any more questions that could potentially incriminate us.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-NINE

  As we headed toward Tessa’s house, we talked about what we would do once there.

  “We can rent a movie,” she suggested.

  I shrugged. “Sounds good to me.” I didn’t care what we did. I was just grateful to be away from home.

  Tessa took a sharp right into the parking lot of a convenience store and stopped.

  “Gotta get some cigarettes. Want anything?”

  I shook my head. “No thanks.”

  Tessa climbed out and I stared out the window at the other customers while I waited. I looked far to my right and, even though it was dark, I could have sworn that I saw Brian Roberts chatting with a woman. They were standing outside an unfamiliar car. I was certain it was Brian because this man was so tall, as tall as Brian, whom I was convinced was the tallest man on the island.

  The man and the woman embraced and then kissed each other on the lips. It wasn’t a quick, “it was nice to see you long-lost-friend,” kinda kiss. It was a long, lingering kiss, the kind reserved for lovers.

  I was shocked. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I was seeing clearly, yet was careful not to smudge the little makeup I had on. The woman got into a car and drove off. Brian stayed and waved as she did. He then walked to the side of the building and disappeared. I saw car headlights go on as their reflection bounced off the side of the store. A few seconds later, that car backed out and drove off in the opposite direction of the mysterious woman.

  Because it was so dark outside, I couldn’t tell for sure whether or not it was Brian’s car. It seemed much smaller than the car he normally drove, more of a sports car than a sedan, but I could swear it was Brian. He’d been at my house enough times for me to know what he looked like, even in a dimly lit parking lot.

  I was speechless. Tessa got back into the car and did a double take when she looked over at me.

  “What the hell’s wrong with you? You look like you saw a ghost!”

  “No. I’m, I’m fine,” I stammered.

  Tessa pulled out and we drove to her house. I stared straight ahead as my brain tried to process what had just happened. Was that, for sure, Brian Roberts or was it someone who looked a lot like him? If it was Brian, why did he hug and kiss another woman? If he was intimate with someone else, why was he engaged to my mother? Hundreds of different questions and scenarios bounced around in my head as we headed east on Shoreline Drive. Maybe Brian’s being unfaithful to my mom was the best thing that could happen, I thought. She would surely break up with him and call off the engagement once she found out. I had one small, yet crucial obstacle, however. I somehow had to prove it.

  • • •

  We pulled up to Tessa’s and I got a rush of anxiety when I saw her brother’s truck sitting in the driveway.

  “Are you sure your brother won’t bother us?”

  “Why are you so afraid of him, Willow?” Tessa rolled her eyes. “Trust me. He’s harmless.”

  We walked into the house and it seemed as though no one else was there. Hopefully Jaques was in his drug cave and wouldn’t feel the need to emerge all night long.

  Tessa and I went into the family room and she turned to the television channel that allowed you to rent movies.

  “What do you wanna watch?” Tessa asked me.

  “I don’t really care. What about you?”

  Before she could answer, Tessa’s phone rang. She picked up. “Not
hing, asshole. What about you two?”

  Tessa laughed. “Just me and my friend, Willow.” She smiled. “Hey, be nice. Sounds good. See ya!”

  “Who was that?” I wanted to know. “And what mean thing did they say about me?”

  “It was Connor and, chill, he didn’t say anything mean about you.”

  “What did he want?”

  “He and Rocky are coming over.”

  I panicked. “Where? Here?!”

  Tessa looked at me as if I was insane. “Of course, here, unless you want to meet up with them somewhere else.”

  I needed to stay cool, calm and collected. I kicked off my boots, put my feet up on the coffee table and leaned back. “Whatever.”

  • • •

  Tessa and I had just finished ordering a newly released comedy when her louder-than-hell doorbell rang. I jumped.

  Tessa extinguished her cigarette and stood. “They’re here.”

  I stayed and sat while Tessa answered the door. I couldn’t believe that we were going to hang out with Connor and “The God.” I hadn’t really seen Rocky since the time Tessa and I sat at his lunch table. I was mortified because he had obviously remembered me from his party after all. I was so embarrassed about what had happened between us, I tried my best to steer clear of him from then on. And now, I was going to be in a room with just him and two others. I was beyond nervous.

  I barely put any effort into getting ready for the night because Tessa said it would be just the two of us hanging out. I shook my head and scolded myself. Why did I even care how I looked in front of Connor and Rocky? I didn’t care what either of them thought about me. I would have taken more time with myself if I were going to be seeing Michael, which made me then think of him and get sad because I imagined him alone in a hospital room somewhere.

  My sadness quickly changed to dread when I heard the three of them walking down the hallway. The minute they entered the family room, I could feel my face getting flush. I tried to compose myself and took long, deep breaths.

  I turned around on the sofa, gave a slight wave and a casual, “Hello.”