Show Me the Sun

by Miriam Shumba

  “That was great!” Amari announced as soon as they settled in the car.

  “You had fun?”

  “Your family’s great. Did your mom cook all that food?”

  “Yep.”

  “Wow. You cook like that?”

  Here we go, Raven thought. Compare, compare.

  “I try. You can’t live with Clare Davies and not have some of her culinary talents rub off.”

  Amari whistled. “She didn’t even look like she had cooked that big a meal.”

  “She can give Superwoman a run for her money.”

  Amari reached for her hand and she looked at him, surprised. “You are like her. Strong, independent. It’s great to meet your mom. I can see how you’ll look when you have four grown children.”

  Raven smiled. “I don’t know about that.”

  “Your dad is easygoing, too.”

  “Oh, he’s the best,” Raven gushed. “I’m a lot closer to him.”

  “I could tell. You are Daddy’s little girl.”

  “I guess I am.”

  “So why don’t you work in the church with him?”

  Raven sighed, looking at his hand in hers. “I’m too busy.”

  “That’s okay. You do so much at the center. And I wouldn’t have met you if you hadn’t been there, right?”

  “Exactly.”

  Amari could sense she wanted to say more, but he waited patiently, keeping his eyes on the road. He let go of her hand to guide the car towards the entrance to her apartment.

  “Besides,” she added, “it’s hard.”

  When she said this they were walking into the elevator. Amari took her hand, and she loved it when he squeezed her hand reassuringly.

  “What is it? What’s wrong?” Amari turned to her in the elevator and pulled her close. She leaned into him.

  “We can talk when we get inside.”

  Once in her apartment they walked and sat close on the couch. Amari looked at her curiously, wondering what she was thinking. “So what’s going on?”

  “It’s kind of complicated with my family.”

  “It is? Did something happen?”

  “Nothing ever really happened.”

  “But something is bothering you?”

  “Not so much bothering me. I love my family. I love the church my parents built. It’s just that I don’t feel like I have much to offer there.”

  “What? That can’t be true.” He took her hands, entwining them with his. She felt lightheaded when he touched her. His gentleness always surprised her and made her feel protected. Such a strong man, but always tender. “Do you feel like you don’t really fit in?”

  “It’s weird, right? I mean I’m the oldest child, but I can’t find my place in my father’s church.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t think just because your father is the pastor that you also have to work in the church. God can use you anywhere you are.”

  “I know. I know. But I have to be honest. Deep down, I don’t think I’m skipping church for the right reason. I should be there. I wanted to be there.”

  “Then what?” Amari had a puzzled look on his face. This was hard for her to tell him, but at the same time she knew that if she told him this one thing then he would really understand her. She had never confessed the feelings she had to anyone. Not her father. Not her sisters or brother, and not even her best friend, Candice. She even avoided praying to God about it because she knew what He would say.

  “The people at church kept comparing us,” she began after taking a deep shuddering breath.

  “Comparing you to what?”

  “To my sisters, my mom.”

  “In church?”

  “Yep. I tried not to show that it bothered me, but after hearing some of the people say ‘Why is she so dark? She’s not as pr—’ ”

  Before she could finish Amari moved to her and kissed her. The kiss took her by surprise.

  “Don’t say it. Don’t let people’s words affect your destiny.”

  When he kissed her like that she couldn’t think straight, but she had to get some things off her chest. “I wonder what you see in me. If you really want to be with me.”

  “Why? I see my future with you. I see this amazing, gorgeous chocolate princess.”

  He kissed her again lightly, softly.

  Me? Chocolate princess? Does he mean that?

  “Now I’m beginning to feel better,” she said.

  “Never doubt that.” He moved away from her a little. “Being close to you makes me want you but I intend to keep our promise. Which means I better go now, Ray.”

  “I know.”

  “I want to say this.” Amari sat down again and brought her close. “I’ve dated the perfect tens, as the guys call them. And sometimes if you look deep inside, and sometimes not even that deep, you can tell that it’s not working. So all the guys look at you and applaud you and all. But in the end you have to spend each day with her. Get to know her, but you find nothing of substance.”

  Raven nodded but didn’t know how to feel about what Amari was saying. Who were all these perfect tens, she wondered.

  “I like being with you, Ray. I like everything about you.”

  “I like being with you, too,” she responded, still reeling from his words. He kissed her.

  “Well, I better go or else.”

  Amari walked out the door after a few minutes. Raven sat there for a while wondering if he understood. She listened to the silence, thinking of the evening. The dinner, her family accepting Amari into their hearts. She had felt good about the evening, but now his words about perfect tens made her uneasy. She still sat on her couch, puzzling over his statement, when the she heard a knock on the door. Did Amari forget something? She looked through the peep hole and there he stood. She flung the door open.

  “ ’Mari.”

  He pulled her in his arms and Raven melted against him. She didn’t know why he had come back.

  “I love you,” he said simply. “I got to the car but didn’t want to leave without telling you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  After a quick kiss, Amari left again. Raven leaned against the door her fingers on her lips. She floated to her couch and lay down staring at the ceiling, smiling and giggling. Who cares about the perfect tens? Amari loves me!

  Chapter 11

  “So you and Amari are really serious?” Candice asked Raven as they sat for lunch in their favorite restaurant, Sweet Mamma Georgina, a few weeks before Thanksgiving.

  She was learning several things about having a boyfriend, and not just any boyfriend but Amari “Too-Good-Looking” Thomas! One, she grinned all the time. Two, she felt sparkly and interesting and attractive. Three, she still couldn’t believe it, and four she had bruises from pinching herself so she could see if she was dreaming. It was so unbelievable, and yet she loved him and he loved her back! How amazing was all that!

  “I think so. Yep.” Raven smiled.

  Candice met Raven’s eyes then forced a smile. “So is he the one? You’ve been keeping him to yourself. I haven’t even met him.”

  “Sorry, Candice. I guess I’m still getting used to being with someone,” Raven apologized.

  “So, have you…you know?”

  “No. We haven’t slept together or been close,” Raven said, looking into Candice’s questioning eyes and trying to hide her embarrassment.

  “Wow! A guy willing to just hold your hand, huh?”

  “Not really his choice. It’s my decision, my body, and he’s patient enough. He’s saved and wants to do the right thing, too. Besides we hardly see each other since the season started, but when he’s home we are together most of the time, just getting to know each other.”

  “He met your family?”

  “Two months ago. I told you about it, remember?” Raven said, but she could see Candice seemed distracted so she decided to change the subject. “How’s Charles?”

  “Fine. Working too much, as usual,” Candice complained, looking at
the menu.

  “You don’t seem very happy.”

  “We are not all getting everything we want in life like you, Raven,” Candice said, a bitterness in her voice that Raven had never heard. Raven opened her mouth to speak but was too stunned to say anything for a while.

  “Candice, is something wrong? I’ve never seen you like this.”

  “I want to kill someone, that’s all,” Candice said, closing the menu. “Where the hell is that damn waiter? I tell you just because we are black nobody’s gonna serve us. They are all over those white patrons. Look at them.” Raven looked at a young blonde waitress leaning over an elderly white couple.

  “Weren’t they here before us?” Raven asked.

  “No. We were here first,” Candice said. Raven shrugged and decided to change the subject quickly. Candice was always on the lookout for unfair treatment and racism, but today she seemed more intense.

  “Oh, here comes our waitress,” Raven said quickly.

  “My name is Jenny and I will be your server. What will you drink today?”

  “Since you took so long I think I’m going to order my drinks and lunch now. I’ll have a gin and tonic and the salmon.” Jenny wrote down the order, the smile quickly gone from her face.

  “I’ll have the same,” Raven said, “but change my drink to iced tea, please.”

  After she was gone Candice glared at Raven. “Why are you being nice to her?”

  “I just don’t want my food spat on. Haven’t you heard that if you are rude to waitresses they might even wipe the floor with your food and put snot on it?”

  “Yuck! If she does that then I’ll just go and smack her back to wherever she came from,” Candice growled.

  “Okay. I can see you are mad. I’ve never seen you like this. What’s going on?”

  “I think Charles is having an affair,” Candice offered suddenly, her eyes cold and angry.

  “No way. He’s just working late, that’s all.”

  “I can sense it. I saw some white woman’s blonde hair on his shirt,” she said.

  “So? He has white patients, right?”

  “I can sense these things, Raven. When I find out I’m off to jail.”

  Raven frowned, watching Candice work herself into a frenzy. “Don’t be dramatic. That’s not possible. Stop saying that, it’s not true. Charles loves you and you know it.”

  “Raven, you know very little about men. I might as well tell you now. Most men cheat.” Raven didn’t say anything. She looked at Candice in shock as her friend continued to speak.

  “Trust me, I know. There are too many women and so few good men, and the few good black men are becoming gay or marrying other races. Any race but their own.”

  “You can’t paint all men with the same brush and anyway you are not even sure about Charles. Did you see him with somebody else?”

  “If I had they would both be in a morgue right now, but I’ll find out.”

  Raven didn’t know what to say. She had never seen this side of Candice. Candice’s life was as perfect as the roses that grew in her garden in summer. Charles loved her; she remembered his tears at their wedding as he promised to love her and be faithful to her, almost choking on the words. Had he choked because he was emotional or because he knew he couldn’t be faithful, Raven now wondered.

  Raven thought about Candice’s situation all the way home. The whole lunch had been terrible as Candice went on and on about her suspicions. She had always been paranoid about racism, but now she seemed to notice it everywhere. Raven wanted to help, but Candice was right. She had very little experience with men and didn’t know what she would do if that happened to her.

  Raven drove Candice home after their lunch.

  “I’ll just come in and see the baby. Just for a second. Have to rush.”

  “You always have to rush.”

  “I heard it might snow,” Raven reminded her. Candice was still in her foul mood.

  Charles was home watching a sports channel, relaxed after a busy week.

  “Where’s Junior?” Candice asked as soon as she spotted her husband on the couch. There was a bottle of beer on the table that Candice picked up and took to the kitchen.

  “Hi, Ray. How’s your new man? Mr. Thomas?” Charles said to Raven.

  “My only man,” Raven replied, glancing around the well-furnished house.

  “He’s my favorite Piston. Got his jersey, too.”

  “I’ll tell him.”

  “Charles. Where’s the baby?” Candice repeated, irritation in her eyes.

  “He’s taking a nap,” Charles responded.

  “What? It’s almost 4 p.m. and he’s still sleeping? What did I say? You only have to stay home with him once in a while and you can’t do something as easy as look after your own child and keep him on a schedule? What kind of doctor are you that you can’t do the simplest thing…”

  Raven caught Charles’s uncomfortable look and felt bad for him. Candice was always yelling at him about the baby, about doing things around the house, about how he couldn’t do anything right if he tried. She rarely wanted to spend time with both of them at the same time because they argued, or more precisely Candice complained about everything Charles did. Was marriage always like this?

  “I better go, Candy.” Raven walked towards the door.

  “You see what I have to deal with, Raven? Look at Junior’s food…it doesn’t even look finished still on the high chair, and look at that cabinet, he’s supposed to have put it together. I swear if I don’t do it myself nothing gets done around here.”

  The baby woke up from the ruckus and Raven managed to give the adorable little boy a kiss before rushing out of the house, avoiding meeting Charles’s humiliated eyes. She did not want to be part of this domestic bliss.

  * * *

  Raven had been forced to listen to Candice rant and rave, and as she drove home she prayed silently that she would not be a shrewish wife like that. But as she gave the matter more thought, she came to the conclusion that most men had to put up with women running the show. Her mother definitely ran their home and even Pastor Philip Davies of Calvary Worship had to toe the line just to avoid disappointing his perfectionist wife. What a mess.

  * * *

  Christmas morning was at Clare and Philip’s house. Raven arrived at 9 a.m. sharp with her bag of gifts. She had worn herself out trying to get the best gifts for her family. Her sisters were easy; they pretty much hinted or sent catalogues with items circled. Clare liked to be surprised, hence the stress. Philip and PJ got almost the same things from everybody. This year, though, she tried to get them unique stuff. She bought her father the Bible on DVD. He wasn’t into technology, but she would get him started. PJ was into gadgets, so she purchased a navigational system for him. It cost the most, but he was worth it.

  The Pistons were playing Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve. Raven was already getting a taste of what life with Amari would be like. She would see him after Christmas.

  “Where is Amari this week?” Tahlia asked, taking a sip of her cup of coffee.

  “San Antonio,” Raven said. “I’ll see him tomorrow evening. He’ll fly to see his mother first then he’ll be here later.”

  “Have you met his mother?”

  “No. I’ve seen pictures. She’s a very tall, lovely lady who loves her baby boy.”

  “Uh-oh. I have heard about mothers with only one child. The only baby boy. It should be interesting,” Tahlia giggled. “We all know how Mom is with PJ.”

  “I look forward to meeting her. She raised Amari very well,” Raven said, trying to be positive.

  Christmas with her family was lovely even though she couldn’t stop thinking about her first Christmas with Amari. The night after Christmas, Raven waited for Amari in her apartment. For the first time she had a Christmas tree right by the window and she placed Amari’s presents under the tree. She put on a Brian McKnight Christmas CD while she lighted the candles she had placed all over the room. The room glowed with w
armth and intimacy even though outside it was cold and snowy.

  A thought crossed her mind. Maybe she should just give in and sleep with him; but just as quickly as it came she squashed it and turned off the oven, wishing she could turn off her desires just as easily. The past few months they had become comfortable with the knowledge that they wouldn’t do anything until their wedding night. Amari never put pressure on her and slept on the couch when he spent the night. Besides she would be too nervous to do anything. She had made a promise. Her father had bought them all promise rings when they were teenagers. They promised to wait for marriage even though all around them girls were giving it up in their boyfriend’s bedrooms and classrooms all over the high school. She didn’t want to give herself any credit. She didn’t exactly have guys fighting to talk to her.

  It was hard to remain chaste when she was with Amari. He evoked the most incredible sensations, feelings of love and need that almost swept her away and made her forget the promise she made to God and herself.

  She was standing in the middle of the kitchen when she heard the doorbell. She looked at the clock. It was almost 10 p.m. and Amari had used his pass to get in.

  “Hey you,” Amari said when she opened the door and threw herself into his arms.

  “Hey,” she said, her arms tight around him, her breath catching in her throat at the feel of him underneath the coat and sweater. Reluctantly she let him go and brought him further into the room.

  “This place looks great,” Amari said, only now noticing the candles.

  “You like? Merry Christmas,” she said.

  “Merry Christmas to you,” Amari said and gave her a long, sensual kiss. With him looking this good and tasting this great it was not going to be easy to resist him. The need to be that close to him made her weak. Amari thankfully actually let her go and stepped away from her.

  “I have something for your tree,” he said and pulled a big bag full of wrapped gifts from the hallway then closed the door.

  “Wow. When did you have time to go shopping?” she asked, her smile filled with amazement.

  “In between things.” He walked over to the tree and took out about ten boxes and put them under the tree. He stopped and looked at her standing close by, watching him. She wore a cream wrap dress that showed her beautiful body to perfection. Her eyes drew him in with their warmth, kindness and sweetness.