Show Me the Sun

by Miriam Shumba

  “Don’t call it nothing, my man. I think we all have different purposes. We can’t all be missionaries in the African desert or in China, and we can’t all be professional athletes who influence the lives of many young boys who want to be stars. I’ve read about you, Amari, and you are different from most of the professional sportsmen I read about. I think that’s important, too.”

  “I don’t know. I think God wants us to show him that we can give it all up for Him like you did. The rest of us just want to keep our comfort, hold on to our money, hold on to our habits.”

  “Do you know the mark of a good Christian?” Josh asked. He didn’t really seem to want an answer. “It’s here.” Josh put a fist near his heart.

  “That’s true. More than the head.”

  “The question is do we love Jesus. Are we doing what we are doing for His glory or our own?”

  “Man, that’s deep. It’s worth asking yourself, though,” Amari said, and everybody nodded.

  Raven glanced at Clare who tried to stop her eyes from rolling. Amari was different. Clare made it seem like he was a hypocrite, but she knew that Amari more than anything feared God. Not that ‘I’ll go to hell’ kind of fear, but a healthy fear that was more filled with wanting to please God and do what God commanded him. Even the movie he had accepted had the values he wanted to portray. He did not compromise on that.

  The band that had been hired began playing African jazz just before the doors opened to all the invited people. Raven had inspected all the food and the decorations and was pleased with how everything looked.

  Before she could dwell on her mother’s attitude it was time to greet the guests who had paid more than five hundred dollars to attend the evening’s event. She had to give it her best and not worry about what her mother thought of Amari.

  * * *

  It rained heavily two Sundays after Amari left again for California. But Raven knew that the storm outside was nothing compared to what was going on in her heart.

  What was going on? Why was she hearing rumors about her husband and Lexie Hart, of all people? And why was she letting it get to her? Amari had warned her about the media exaggerating and even making innocent meetings seem clandestine. Still this latest group of rumors were really affecting her. She was pushed over the edge when she got home after church.

  The house she now called home was new, a present from Amari, but still the past few months and years they had spent very few days together in it. During the season Amari was on the road sometimes for six days out of the week, and this second summer together he was in California making a movie with the woman who was always listed as one of the top 100 most beautiful women in America.

  When she walked into the kitchen the phone message light was blinking. After putting her purse on the counter she pressed the voicemail button.

  “Hi, Raven. It’s Candice. I know it’s been a long time, but I just wanted to touch base and find out how you are doing. Give me a call. My number is now 248-929-0114. We moved. We now live in Bloomfield Hills. Call me.”

  Raven repeated the message and then wrote down the number, her heart lifting a little. Candice had called. She had not spoken to her friend in two years! Raven walked upstairs with Candice’s number on a piece of paper, questions whirling in her head.

  Should I call her? Why is she calling me now after all this time? She walked into her bedroom and slipped off her shoes. Lying on the king-size bed she picked up the phone beside her bed and dialed Candice’s number. Raven recognized Candice’s voice immediately.

  “Candice, it’s Raven,” she said, staring at the high ceiling and skylight above her bed.

  “Hi, Raven. You got my message?” Candice’s voice hadn’t changed much, though Raven picked up a distance in her tone, like someone reading the news and not wanting to show any emotion.

  “I just walked in.”

  “I thought you would be at church. I was watching one of those BET celebrity programs and thought of you,” Candice said.

  “Oh. How are you?”

  “Fine, Raven. We finally bought the new house. Charles’s doing very well at Beaumont. Might even open a practice with several African-American doctors. You should come and see our house. Right by the lake. Finally things are beginning to look up.”

  Raven looked out the window at the view of the lake outside her bedroom and curled herself into a ball. Lake views were no guarantee of anything.

  “I’m glad to hear that,” Raven said. “How’s Junior?”

  “Great. I’m expecting. It’s a girl. Charles and I are very happy.”

  “Good.” Raven wasn’t sure what to say to Candice after all this time.

  “Well, I just wondered if you were okay? I heard you and Amari were breaking up.” Candice’s words had Raven sitting up abruptly on the bed.

  “What?”

  “Well it’s all over the media about Amari and his new girlfriend, Lexie. I just had to call. At first I thought people were just making things up, you know, saying that Amari left you and went to California to be with his girlfriend. I even saw pictures of them together in a restaurant, and on an entertainment news show someone asked Lexie a question about Amari. She just shook her head and didn’t answer. What are you going to do, Raven? Are you going to let him treat you like that while you are still married?”

  Finally Candice stopped talking. “It’s just media, Candice. Don’t believe everything you read,” Raven admonished, trying to convince Candice and herself. Still her heart began throbbing.

  “So you guys are still together?”

  Raven took a painful breath and spoke as calmly as she could. “Yes. We are.”

  “Well, if he’s going to leave at least try and have his baby first so you can have some link to him. I always knew that you couldn’t trust athletes. They have too many women throwing their bodies at them, and some of those women look like models. Some of them are.”

  “It’s fine. Anyway, Candice, thanks for calling. I have to be at church,” Raven lied, taking another deep breath, glad nobody could see her face. Her temples were beginning to hurt from the pressure building in her head. Candice’s voice sounded so far, like from some deep dark tunnel. Focus. Focus.

  “All right. I’ll be in touch,” Candice said and hung up the phone. Raven ran to the bathroom and threw up.

  Chapter 20

  Lexie lay in bed, physically satisfied, but something was wrong. Usually after her essential trysts with Jerome, she would be completely contented and relaxed. Jerome was a great lover who she met with often. Jerome was married and therefore perfect because he wanted to be as discreet as possible, and so did she. But, she wasn’t feeling guilty or worried about Jerome’s pregnant wife or their two daughters. As long as she could keep it a secret she didn’t worry about the other woman.

  Amari.

  Amari Thomas was the biggest problem in her life right now. She couldn’t stop thinking about him even when she was with the most accomplished lover she had ever had.

  Amari didn’t even seem remotely interested in her because he seemed to spend all his free time calling his wife. The few times they had eaten together she had to concoct some story about needing his input on something.

  In all the movies she had done in the past, most of her co-stars adored her. Some of them were like crazy fans who wouldn’t leave her alone. They offered her roses, sent diamond necklaces to her dressing room and made fools of themselves. She was used to being adored. She was used to men tripping over their feet when they saw her walking in their direction.

  Amari. Well, he was really different. She knew he thought she was attractive. She had seen it in his eyes, but he still remained distant.

  Out of reach.

  After her meeting with Jerome in the hotel she made her way home. She never liked to take her lovers home. She didn’t mind meeting in their apartments or their homes but now, with the twins, she had to be careful with what she did. She didn’t relish getting any more headlines that would make Renat
a rant and rave.

  Madison and Morgan were upstairs in the playroom when she got home. She went into her lounge and poured herself a drink. Surrounded by all her luxury she suddenly felt very lonely.

  She turned when she heard feet coming down the stairs. They were definitely little girl’s feet. It was Madison, the leader of the duo. She hesitantly walked towards Lexie. Lexie knew the kids didn’t know what to do with her. They sometimes feared her and they stayed out of her way or they followed her around, mesmerized by how she dressed, how she talked.

  “Are you okay?” Madison asked. Lexie looked at her, surprised. Madison was a tricky one. She acted much older than her years.

  “Fine. How about you.”

  “I’m fine. I was teaching Morgan how to draw,” Madison said importantly.

  “What did you draw?” she asked.

  “We were making you a card. You don’t seem very happy these days.”

  Lexie shook her head. How intuitive the girls were. She was in love, and her love was not reciprocated. “Well, I am a little sad.”

  “Why? Do you miss your mommy?”

  Mommy. She did not miss her mother. Her mother had betrayed her so many times that she had lost count.

  “No, Maddy. I just like this boy and I don’t think he likes me.”

  Madison wrinkled her nose like she had said something distasteful. “You are beautiful. He’ll like you.”

  “I hope so,” Lexie said, then took a good look at Madison. She stood there barely reaching her waist but there was a wealth of wisdom in her eyes.

  “Can I give you a hug?” Madison asked. Lexie stood for a minute, surprised. She hardly hugged them. She barely had any contact with them. She nodded.

  Madison walked towards her and put her arms around her waist. Lexie reached around her, feeling her tiny shoulders, and felt something shift in her heart.

  Chapter 21

  Amari’s hotel phone rang until it went to voicemail. Raven tried his cellphone for the fifth time but all she heard was the prerecorded message. Angrily she tossed her phone on the carpet and wiped the angry tears from her eyes. Everybody was calling her except her husband. She had to speak to him, but the longer she couldn’t get hold of him the more worried she became. She had called in sick at work and now sat drowning in her shock and confusion.

  This can’t be happening.

  Was Amari really leaving her for that actress, and without even a hint or a word to her? Everybody else seemed to know what was going on but she had no idea who could tell her what Amari and Lexie were up to all the way in California. She had no way of finding out short of getting on the next flight to L.A and humiliating herself further.

  Oh, God, please tell me that this is all just some crazy rumor and Amari is coming back to me soon and that he still loves me. Father in Heaven, you know me. I couldn’t handle it if he left me. You know me, God. You know how weak I am, so insecure. And Amari knows that this would kill me so it can’t be true.

  Raven sobbed into her pillow, and then jumped when the phone rang. Controlling her crying she picked up the phone hoping it was Amari.

  “Ray?” It was Esther, and that made her almost want to burst into fresh tears.

  “Yeah, it’s me. What’s up?”

  “You didn’t go to work?”

  “I don’t feel well.” Raven coughed and wiped her tears with the sleeve of her robe.

  “Oh. Can I come and see you?”

  “Aren’t you working today?”

  “Yeah, but I’ll be over anyway. I’ve been hearing some things…” Esther began to speak tentatively, but Raven cut her off quickly.

  “I know. Come over.”

  Esther arrived with breakfast of French toast and coffee. The scent wafted to Raven as she opened the door to the house and let her older sister in. Esther glanced at her, and then walked into the kitchen.

  “You hungry?”

  “No. Not really,” Raven said, sitting on the bar stools by the gleaming black granite countertops while Esther took out the plates and silverware. She served golden toast with whipped butter and fruit and then reheated some coffee in the stainless steel microwave. The kitchen was very modern and spotless, just like the rest of the house. She realized that when Amari was away she rarely cooked. When he was home they cooked together sometimes or ordered from their favorite restaurant. Once in a while he even hired his favorite chef to create dinners for them right in their own kitchen.

  Raven couldn’t help noticing that it had been a while since they had spent time together. So she kept busy even though many well-meaning people told her to follow her husband all over the country.

  But I want to be a woman who has more in life than just chasing a man around the country making sure he behaves or making sure he doesn’t stop loving me. What did I do wrong?

  Esther’s voice cut through her descent into panic and despair. “Just have a bite,” Esther insisted, cutting her toast into squares like she would for a child, then put a piece in her mouth. “Yummy.” Raven tried to smile but her eyes drifted to the phone.

  “Have you heard from Amari?” Raven jumped at the question, and then turned her eyes on Esther.

  “No. Well, not since Saturday. I guess you’ve been hearing all the stuff about him?” Esther nodded. Raven fought very hard for self-control, but her mind was on the edge of falling into a dark, ferocious tunnel full of nightmares and loss. She could sense it pulling her away from the presence. But Esther continued to talk, keeping her sane but wanting answers she didn’t have.

  “What’s going on? I mean Amari would never do that. Do you think people are doing this for the sake of writing stories? Movie publicity? You can sue them for slander…”

  “I don’t know,” Raven responded, swallowing hard. “It’s all over some tabloids that they are together and even on the entertainment news. They are saying he’s left me.” Esther saw the tears in her sister’s eyes then moved close and brought her into a hug. Raven remained stiff, not wanting to give in to the confusion and loss she was feeling. If she gave in to the despair and fell in the pit she was afraid she may not be able to pull herself out again.

  “Oh, Ray. I don’t think Amari would do that. He’s a dignified, God-fearing man. He loves you. I know he loves you.”

  “I don’t know. It’s so–so embarrassing having people call me with all these things,” Raven sputtered. “Even Candice called.”

  Esther scowled then demanded, “Candice? What did she say?”

  “She’s not surprised, of course. First she told me how great her life was, then she told me how mine was falling apart. How my husband was leaving me.” Raven broke down, sobbing.

  “Oh, Ray, it’s not true. We need to pray that the enemy stops attacking you. You know the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, and that’s what the devil is trying to do to you. Let’s pray that this all goes away.”

  “I can’t even pray now, Esther. I just feel numb. I think my marriage is over.”

  “Don’t say that, Ray.”

  “I can feel it. The woman he’s working with, this Lexie Hart, if she wants him then she already has him! That’s what some movie stars do. They break up marriages without even blinking, and it’s happening to me. Only my husband doesn’t have the guts to call and tell me. He’s letting me suffer and have people tell me things while he hides out in L.A. with Lexie Hart!”

  As Raven’s voice grew louder she moved away from Esther’s embrace and walked to the kitchen chairs. She held one chair but could not sit down.

  “Oh, Raven, surely you don’t think Amari would do that. That is too typical and Amari doesn’t do anything typical. He’s different. He’s strong. You have to believe in him.”

  “Then why is his phone off? He must know I would need to talk to him. We talk every day or at least text, but for over twenty-four hours, nothing.”

  Raven walked to the kitchen doors. She slid them open and stumbled out like someone leaving a burning building and needing fresh air fast. E
sther followed and stood with her out in the sunlight and looked at the beautiful garden. The trimmed grass stretched all the way to a man-made beach that ended right by a lake. Raven stared unseeing at the gleaming blue water with white shimmers from the sun. She took another deep breath then wiped the tears away.

  “Don’t jump to any conclusions Raven,” Esther began to speak but was interrupted by the phone ringing. She grabbed the phone from the kitchen then took it to Raven. Raven pressed the talk button.

  “Hi, Ashley,” Raven said and smiled weakly at Esther. Esther sat on the garden chairs and watched her sister.

  “You’ll be in the neighborhood?” Raven asked and Esther raised her eyebrow. “Fine. I’ll see you then.”

  “Who was that?” Esther asked after Raven took the phone from her ear.

  “A friend. You remember Ashley? She comes to our church. You’ve met her a few times. She works at the Pistons public relations office. I guess she has some more news for me.”

  “So what are you going to do today? You can’t just sit here and do nothing,” Esther said.

  “Not really nothing. I’m losing my mind, and you are here, too.” Raven gave a small smile.

  “Yes. Have to make sure you eat. You are looking too skinny! Come on. At least come and taste that French toast. It is to die for.”

  After Esther left, Raven tried Amari’s phone one more time with no success then roared out of the house for a strong session of kickboxing. Walking through the gym she couldn’t help overhearing a sports channel reporter who was interviewing a fan.

  “What do you think about this news about Amari and Lexie?” the man with the microphone asked.

  “All I can say is it’s strange that everybody says how straight an arrow he is, all Christian like, refusing to go to strip clubs, but he sure doesn’t seem to mind having Lexie strip for him…while his wife’s at home…” Raven walked briskly past the TV and left the gym, not sure if she was dreaming or if she was awake.