Show Me the Sun

by Miriam Shumba

  Raven listened to the monologue about cheating men as if it was the drone of a loud plane and she couldn’t wait for it to take off into the sky. It looked like this plane was going to be stationary for a long time as Nancy stood center stage in the salon, holding her broom in one hand and a dust cloth in the other gloved one. Raven wanted to get up and run out but she told herself that if she survived that first major outing in the gossip-infested salon, then she would get stronger. God didn’t want her running away as if she had done something wrong. She had to stay and listen. She had to get her hair done, and Nancy and her wild stories were not going to drive her away.

  “What would you like me to do today?” Justine asked.

  Raven looked at her face in the mirror. Her hair when blow-dried straight reached below her shoulders.

  “Cut it.”

  “You want a trim?” Justine asked, measuring the length to cut with her fingers.

  “No. Just chop it all off. As short as you can go. Just cut it, Justine.”

  Justine looked at Raven’s face in the mirror. She saw something in her eyes that meant business. Justine, who usually had smart jokes about everything, didn’t utter a word as she picked up the scissors.

  Raven watched her hair fall off. It didn’t bring relief, but it symbolized the end of something in her. Maybe the end of her marriage because Amari had failed to tell her about having a baby with Lexie. And maybe she had failed to see it, hoping that he wouldn’t have a child with someone other than her.

  Even though she had survived the trip to the salon and the encounter with her former best friend, she still knew that next time she would fork out the money to have the hair stylist come to her until the whole mess died down in about ten years or more.

  After the salon trip she had to endure Clare asking about her hair. She was surprised when Clare said that it suited her. Philip looked at her and smiled.

  “Wow. That’s a nice hairstyle.”

  * * *

  “What’s wrong?” Clare asked.

  “It’s really over between me and Amari.”

  Raven watched both her parents look at her, shocked.

  “You two have spent the past few days together. I thought things were getting better between you.”

  Raven didn’t really want to admit that she also had high hopes for her future with Amari until a few hours ago. She didn’t know if she wanted to show her mother the magazine, either. She remembered Amari saying that the magazines exaggerate but this was Lexie’s own interview in her own words. She claimed that she was pregnant with Amari’s baby.

  “Did you talk to Amari?” Raven asked.

  “I have. I know I was just as angry as you at the beginning, but now I’m beginning to see that he’s going through a lot of pain. He has major regrets. He’s hurting. I’m mad at him, but divorce…it’s so easy to just give up when you can fight and make things work.” Clare spoke to her daughter, but she would glance at Philip once in a while for his approval.

  “It’s over,” Raven said resignedly. “It was too good to be true.”

  “Why do you say that, Rave?” Clare asked. Raven looked at her mother and father staring at her with concern. She shook her head, fighting the tears.

  “Ma, you know…”

  “Know what?

  “I’m not that pretty,” Raven said as a tear threatened to roll down one eye. She rubbed her eye ready to poke it out if she cried.

  “That’s ridiculous and you know it,” Clare cried as Philip looked on.

  “I’m dark. Why am I so dark, anyway? Both you and Dad are so light.” Raven looked from her father’s light brown skin to her mother’s caramel complexion, so pale she could pass for white from a distance. As if a dream, Raven noticed the look that passed from her mother and father. It was so quick, but unmistakable. It seemed loaded with fear and something else Raven couldn’t quite put her finger on.

  Am I adopted? What was that all about?

  “What?” Raven said, looking from one parent to the other. “What is it?”

  “Nothing.” Clare picked up her magazine, but Raven could tell she wasn’t even reading it.

  “Ma. You just looked at Dad as if you…you looked guilty or something. Like you know why I’m dark, which is ridiculous.” Raven gave a nervous laugh when Clare wouldn’t look at her. “Oh, my God. Am I adopted? Dad? Think about it. It’s so obvious I’m surprised nobody ever talked about it. Everybody used to say I looked like Aunt Mildred, but how come Tahlia, Esther and PJ all look like you two, and me, well, I’m just the black sheep of the family.”

  “Don’t say that,” Clare said. Raven noticed that her mother’s face was flushed.

  Raven looked in her mother’s eyes, really looked at her, and knew that she was about to discover something that could change her life. When she spoke now her voice had changed. It had an ominous quality that Clare had never heard before. “Ma. There’s something you are not telling me. All my life I’ve never felt like I belonged. It wasn’t just that I looked differently, but I just didn’t fit in. I love you all, but I’ve never felt—special or beautiful, like all of you. That’s why I’m not surprised that Amari would want something better. But, the reason I was different wasn’t because I was just born different, was it? Am I adopted?”

  Clare looked at Philip like a drowning woman reaching for a lifeline. There it was again. That look that made her blood freeze in her veins and her body tremble.

  “No,” Philip said. “You are our baby.”

  Raven shook her head. “I don’t look like you. You can tell me. I can handle it. It’s okay.” Her voice sounded alien even to her own ears. It made so much sense. All those words people had said made sense.

  “You look like me,” Clare said. “I’m just lighter than you.”

  “No. It’s more than the color of my skin. Even my build, even my temperament. I’m not a good Christian like all of you. I’m the only one not working in the church.”

  “Raven, it has nothing—”

  “Philip! Don’t say anything,” Clare hissed at him, her eyes flashing. Her voice was raw like she had been screaming.

  “What? What are you hiding from me?” Seconds ticked away like eternity as Raven stared at her mother and father like they were strangers, and then she demanded, “Tell me now!”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.” Clare had that superior tone of hers that suggested that nobody could tell her anything. She knew that tone, and Raven had watched her mother use it countless times. She didn’t yell but her silky voice, look and words could freeze the sun when she chose. This time Raven wasn’t going to cower.

  “I can always find out. I can insist on a blood test. I can announce it to the whole church unless you tell me!” Raven stood up, looking down at her mother with angry eyes.

  “Raven,” Clare said in that tone again. “We’ve been good to you. We never treated you differently. You went to the best schools and colleges. Why are you even saying this?”

  “Clare,” Philip growled. Clare glared at him, her eyes spitting fire. “Don’t. It’s time.”

  Raven looked at Philip’s sad, resigned eyes and knew that her world would never be the same. She tried not to show the fear she felt. Inside she was unsteady, wanting to go to sleep and wake up and everything would be the way it was before this moment.

  “It doesn’t change anything, Philip,” Clare said.

  “Sit down, Ray,” Philip said calmly. Raven slowly sat back on the couch but moved away from her mother.

  “Raven. I want you to know that we kept this from you because we love you,” Clare said, reaching her hands out to Raven. She put her hand on her daughter’s, but Raven didn’t respond to her touch.

  “Kept what?”

  Clare looked at Philip, wishing she could wake up from this nightmare. Raven could see in Philip’s eyes that he wasn’t going to say anything. It was all Clare’s story to tell. Raven glanced at her mother with very little sympathy.

  “When Philip married
me I was already pregnant,” Clare said simply.

  “With me?”

  “Yes.” Clare practically forced the words out like she was pulling teeth.

  “So…”

  “Philip is your father, but not the biological one.” Raven let the words sink in, going deep into her heart like ice going through rock. Her mouth opened but no words came.

  Chapter 30

  The last thing Amari wanted to do was to meet with Lexie. He wanted to focus all his energy on fighting for Raven. Pastor Philip Davies had asked him, man to man, “What do you miss about Raven? Why do you want her back so much?”

  The images that passed through his mind had caused tears to form in his eyes. The image of her surprise when he proposed to her, or how she stood innocently in her wedding gown. Her silky, dark chocolate skin beneath his hands. He knew he had caused her a lot of pain and killed her trust in him, and that tortured him more than anything else. More than the fear that he might never be able to win her back. More than the dread that she would never look at him with that love and sweetness that he had come to rely on.

  “I love her,” Amari began, his voice choked up, but he couldn’t pretend anymore. “She’s pure, lovely, amazing. Being with her completed me, Dad. She—she’s the best thing that happened to me. I knew I loved her before—before all this movie craziness. My life has no meaning without her.”

  Philip had nodded his head and still had to ask the next question.

  “Then son, tell me this. Why did you sleep with that woman? Why did you do that?” Amari’s face turned hot with embarrassment.

  “It is and will always be the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve no excuse except I let my guard down,” Amari said with anger. “I should’ve known. I’ve been in situations like that before. Women will even hide in your hotel room and wait for you. But I didn’t think Lexie was that kind of woman. She seemed to have it all together.”

  “You didn’t think she would be interested in you.”

  “I thought she was a friend, but I was wrong.”

  “What about this whole baby thing. Is that true?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Amari really didn’t know. He had been avoiding Lexie, but now she had sent him an official letter to meet at her house. Amari didn’t want to go there, but he knew that it was her house or a public place. A meeting in public wasn’t going to help his case with Raven. Raven had been subjected to enough pictures of him and Lexie.

  After their few days together, he knew he had to fly to California to finish up some business, but before he left Raven’s lawyer had contacted him about the divorce. He thought that they had made up, but in two short beats he was back to square one. It was as if the time they had spent together at the lake had never happened. She wouldn’t answer his calls and Philip told him to give Raven more time. When Amari boarded the plane he was angry, but not about to give up.

  After he was let into the estate, Lexie opened the door herself. At the same time the twins came around to greet him. Madison put her arms around Lexie’s bare leg. Lexie looked beautiful in the champagne-colored dress and gold slippers. Her soft, wavy hair framed her face. Her beauty was incredible but Amari wasn’t moved. The kids around her added to the image she wanted to portray. Gorgeous, but warm and maternal.

  “Hi, stranger,” she said, then leaned in and gave him a hug with Madison still hanging on. “Come on in.”

  Amari followed Lexie into the beautiful living room. Unfortunately, being in Lexie’s beach house reminded him of that time. The time he had done the unthinkable. Of course everybody else thought he was a hero, but he knew that God was not pleased with him. He wanted to fix the whole Lexie issue as soon as he could and get on with his life with Raven. If she would have him. Lexie’s magazine articles were hurting him.

  Lexie studied Amari as she sat down, and the girls clamored around her like shields.

  “How are you?” Lexie asked, her eyes searching his. Amari could barely look at her but he forced himself, keeping his hands on his suit pants.

  “I’m fine. The kids seem comfortable,” he said. Lexie looked at the girls.

  “Did you say hi to Uncle Amari?” The girls giggled. “Come on, say hi.”

  “Hi,” Madison and Morgan sang, their tiny teeth gleaming. Amari smiled.

  “Hi, girls,” he said.

  “Do you play basketball?” Morgan said.

  “Yes, I do,” Amari said. “Do you?”

  “I can play,” Morgan said. “Madison can’t play. She always drops the ball.”

  “But she tries,” Lexie said, smiling at Amari. “A bit competitive.” Amari nodded, then decided the time was over for polite talk.

  “So, you said you wanted to talk to me about something important,” Amari reminded her, looking pointedly at the girls.

  “Why don’t we just relax have a nice evening and then talk about it,” Lexie implored. Her voice reminded him of that evening they had slept together. Friendly, but with underlying secret desires. Now he knew and recognized it. Amari looked at the twins then cleared his throat.

  “I think it’s important that you get to the point, Lexie, because I have some things to do before the premiere.” Amari watched the irritation cross Lexie’s eyes.

  “Fine,” she ground out, and then called in the direction of the kitchen. “Janice! Come and get the kids!” Janice ran in, dressed comfortably in sweats.

  “I think you can have dinner with the girls. I’ll dine alone with Amari. Tell the kitchen.”

  “I don’t think I’ll be staying for dinner, Lexie,” Amari said quickly.

  “What the…!” Lexie stopped herself. “Take the girls, Janice.”

  “Come Morgan, Madi,” Janice said cheerfully, ignoring the flare of anger in Lexie’s voice.

  “I wanna eat with you!” Morgan said.

  “I’ll join you later. Just go, Morgan. Take your sister,” Lexie said, the frustration evident in her voice. As soon as the kids were out of earshot she turned on Amari, her eyes flashing with anger.

  “What’s the matter with you? You’re acting like we’re strangers or something.” She cursed under her breath, and Amari tried not to laugh. What was the matter with her? He had never seen her lose control like this. Lexie always acted cool and contained in public and at work.

  “You said you had something to tell me in person. I just want to hear it and then go back to my place,” Amari said.

  “Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be now, huh? So what we did meant nothing to you?”

  “What did we do?”

  “I gave myself to you! I don’t just sleep with any Tom Dick and Harry, but I let you…”

  “No. I let you!”

  “So what? It takes two, and we did it, didn’t we?”

  “Yes, and I’m sorry. That was a mistake,” Amari said. He was sitting so calmly he didn’t see the shoe come off and hit him in the face.

  “Damn it!” He got up while Lexie stood up, too, her huge breasts rising and falling with her anger. “What’s the matter with you?” Amari rubbed his face wondering if the gold stiletto had drawn blood.

  “I’m nobody’s mistake,” Lexie said, walking up to him and pushing him in the chest. “I thought you cared about me!”

  “I did, as a friend.” He emphasized the word friend. “I didn’t want anything more. I’m married!”

  “To that ugly nobody!”

  “Shut up!” Amari growled. “You don’t talk about my wife that way. She’s more beautiful than you’ll ever be. Don’t you dare talk about my wife.”

  “Well, where was she while you were busy doing me, Amari? You think you can just have your fun and leave me? I’m not a groupie! I’m my own woman, and I thought we could have a relationship together.”

  “Even if I wasn’t married I would not have a relationship with you,” Amari said, and caught her hand as she came to slap him. “This is not a movie and I’m not playing games. Stop spreading lies about me. I’m not in love with you, and I’m
not leaving my wife for you.”

  Amari saw something in Lexie he didn’t want to believe. Was that vulnerability? Her next words surprised him even further.

  “Why can’t you love me? What’s wrong with me?” she asked. When she was honest like this he could almost feel sorry for her, but never love.

  “We are from two different worlds.”

  “I can change, Amari,” she beseeched, holding out her hands to him, but Amari didn’t budge. “You could make me a better woman.”

  He knew she was acting. She didn’t want to change. She liked her life just the way it was, playing with his life, playing games and not caring who got hurt in the first place. He had her number. He knew what kind of woman she was. “I’m not interested in digging through the muck to find your soul, Lexie.”

  “Oh, really?” Lexie snarled, her red lips curled angrily. The vulnerable woman was gone. “What about your baby, Amari? Is he or she going to be from a different world? What about that?”

  “You’ve been hinting at some baby and nobody believes you. Why don’t you just move on from that one-night stand so I can get on with saving my marriage?” Lexie snatched her hand away from him and rubbed it slowly where his hand had grasped her wrist.

  “It’s true, Amari. Raven knows it, too. All it took was that one time and I got pregnant,” Lexie said calmly, a poker expert showing her ace. Her eyes filled with tears, and Amari could see the gears shifting in her head. “I never thought I’d be a single mother. I am one now with the twins, but I thought you and I could be a family.”

  “I don’t believe you,” Amari said quietly, staring at her stomach.

  “That’s what I wanted to tell you, Amari. I didn’t come right out and say it to reporters because I thought you should know in person first. We’re going to have a baby. A baby!”

  Amari turned away from her, covering his head. He watched his life slowly drown beneath Lexie’s words. Did Raven find out? Was that why she had suddenly changed?

  “How do you know it’s my baby? Lexie, you admitted that you had many lovers on national TV.”