Show Me the Sun

by Miriam Shumba

  “I wasn’t with anybody else for five months before I met you. I was too busy with Morgan and Madison, and I call them lovers but they were relationships that just didn’t last,” Lexie explained, still standing up. “This isn’t how I envisioned this. Not at all.”

  “This isn’t how I wanted to start my family, with a woman I barely know. Oh, God, what have I done?”

  Lexie looked at Amari, great satisfaction in her eyes.

  * * *

  The next day they drove to see the doctor together. Amari wanted to find out first if Lexie was really pregnant, and, if so, if the child she carried was his or some other man’s.

  “Amari, have you thought about what you’ll do about your baby and me?” Lexie asked.

  “I’ve been too busy trying to get my wife back,” Amari responded caustically.

  “She doesn’t want you, does she? Why don’t you let her go? I heard what you did at her church. Speaking in front of everybody trying to win her back, and she still dumped you!”

  “How do you know that?”

  “News like that travels fast.”

  Amari was quiet, shocked and embarrassed. Her taunting voice was also making him very angry. “It’s really none of your business.”

  “It is. Here I am carrying your child and yet you still stand in public professing love to a woman who doesn’t want you. My family can’t believe I let myself get pregnant with…”

  “How did that happen, anyway? I know you have quite a colorful past, but I have never heard of you getting pregnant. Can you explain why now?”

  “Did you use protection, Amari?” Lexie taunted, and Amari realized he didn’t even like her.

  After twenty minutes they arrived at the doctor’s office, a luxurious-looking building in the heart of Beverly Hills. The meeting in the comfortable room was awkward, but the doctor spoke in a way that made Amari relax. Amari listened with a sinking feeling as the doctor explained that Lexie was already four months pregnant.

  “I will be able to perform the scan today,” the doctor said with a slight accent. She clearly wasn’t born in the United States. Lexie looked at Amari, but he refused to meet her eye.

  Finally, Lexie lay down on the bed and the doctor put some jelly on her stomach and ran a machine over the lubricated surface.

  “You can take a look at the screen here,” Dr. Simpson directed with her finger. Amari turned and looked, but all he saw was movement on the screen.

  “Here is the head of the baby,” she said while Lexie looked at the screen, tears in her eyes. Amari looked, too, and finally the puzzle became clear. He could see the body of the baby moving on the screen. A lump filled his throat. This was his baby. His baby was real.

  Chapter 31

  “Did Raven tell you what she was going to talk about?” Clare asked, putting the final touches to her makeup. Philip pulled his suit jacket from the bed where Clare had placed it for him and put it on over a white shirt.

  “No, she didn’t. Just that she needed some time to talk to the congregation and air some things.”

  “Philip,” Clare cried, dropping her brush on the dresser. “What does that mean—what is she going to talk about?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “And you are just going to let her stand there and say whatever she wants? She could ruin me!”

  “The truth never ruins anybody,” Philip said. He was tired of the whole mess. Tired of the feelings of confusion in his family.

  “I don’t understand why you would let her do this. She hasn’t really been a part of this church for so many years, and now she wants to go and stand in front of the congregation and say what? What!”

  “Once again, Clare, I don’t know,” Philip responded calmly. He could see that the calmer he got the more worked up Clare became.

  “I forbid it. Philip, I can’t let you do that,” Clare said, beseeching him with her eyes and voice.

  “Many years ago you forbade me to tell anybody the truth about Raven’s biological father. I didn’t agree, but I did it. Today, I want to tell you that I regret it. I did it for you, but it hasn’t served Raven well at all.”

  “I can’t believe you. What good would telling her all those years ago have done other than make her feel even more alienated? What good, Philip?”

  “I don’t know, but the truth always has a way of coming out and it always sets you free.” Philip took his wife’s hands off his shoulders and walked out of the room. Clare fell on the bed, sobbing.

  * * *

  Raven read over her notes one more time while she sat in her father’s office. For the first time she had arrived at church before him and spent a great deal of time praying. What was strange was that she didn’t feel nervous. She felt strong, calm and focused. She felt like finally she was beginning to understand who she was, beyond what other people said, beyond how she looked.

  Knowing that Philip was not her father was hurting more than she would like to admit. She had always felt that no matter what happened, she had the best father in the world. Now, well, he was still her father, and her mother’s boyfriend certainly wasn’t.

  She had a long way to go but she knew that she was beginning to accept who she was. She was not going to let people hurt her anymore over things she could not change.

  But there were things she could change. Her involvement in the church, her career, how she touched other people. She could change that.

  The door to the pastoral suite opened and Raven looked up uncertainly. It was Clare. Clare looked on edge. Her eyes looked like she had been crying, and though she was perfectly dressed in a sky blue suit with matching accessories she didn’t seem as composed.

  “Hi, Mom,” Raven said, standing up. Clare walked towards her, a determined look on her face.

  “Raven. Your dad told me that you would be addressing the church.” Clare’s voice shook, and that scared Raven more than if she had been harsh and confident.

  “Just something brief, Ma.”

  “What about?”

  “You will find out along with everybody else, just like I did when Amari blabbed our business in front of the whole church,” Raven said, and then picked up her purse to walk past her mother. Clare grabbed her arm.

  “Is this about your father?”

  “No, but which father?”

  “Oh, Raven, don’t be like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Are you trying to hurt me? Are you trying to hurt this family just because somebody else is your real father?”

  “It has nothing to do with this, Ma…”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I—I just thought it was easier on everybody if you didn’t know, if nobody knew. I was ashamed of my behavior later in life. I felt bad, believe me.”

  Raven just watched Clare carry on, but she wanted to focus. She didn’t want to listen to excuses, and she certainly didn’t blame her mother that her father was some no-good high school basketball star who didn’t amount to much and died from his lifestyle.

  “I better go, Ma. I’ll see you inside.”

  “Raven!” she cried, and as Raven walked out she could hear her sobs.

  * * *

  Angelo and Esther led the praise and worship together as Raven sat with her family in the front row. She sang along with everybody else, and then it was time for Pastor Philip Davies to go up and introduce her. They walked up together. He held her hand up the steps and everybody applauded as they walked up. In all her thirty-two years, Raven had never done what she was about to do. The last time she had been on the stage was to get married, and before that it was when she sang in the choir with her sisters as pre-teens and had humiliated herself. Now she felt bolstered by her new way of thinking and understanding and her faith that God had not made a mistake in giving her life.

  After a few words Philip finally said, “And today, my daughter Raven wanted to address our church family as part of our Sunday sermon. Please welcome Raven Thomas.”

  Raven flinched as he sa
id her last name. This was not about Amari, this was simply about her. She took the microphone from her father, put her notes on the podium and glanced at the sanctuary. It was packed, and at the back there were some people still arriving and ushers showing them to their seats. The view from there was incredible. Her eyes traveled to where her mother and sisters sat. Angelo next to Esther, Tahlia and PJ, then Clare and Philip. Raven had been surprised when she saw Clare come in. It was rare for Clare to miss service, but she was so sure that after all the problems they’d had that Clare would stay away. Raven realized she should have known better. Unlike her, her mother never ran away from problems. Not Clare Marie Davies. Clare was made of much sterner stuff than that. Raven turned her attention to the congregation again, feeling a few butterflies flutter in her stomach. All these people are going to hear what I have to say. She swallowed the panic rapidly and began.

  “Good morning, church. I am so grateful to my father for giving me this opportunity to speak to you all. Some of you know me as the oldest Davies daughter, but others may have never seen me here before. I’ve heard people say, ‘Who is she? Oh, she is the Davies daughter. The ugly one.’ ” Raven waited for the collective breath taken by the parishioners. There were mutterings because everybody seemed shocked.

  “I think as African Americans, we have a secret. It’s this whole thing about color, the dark vs the lighter shades. The false perception that one is better than the other.” Raven had let go of the podium and left her carefully prepared notes behind.

  “I stayed away from the church not because I didn’t love God or I didn’t want to be in the comfort of my family, but because I let people’s words get to me, making me feel less than worthy, inferior, and yes…ugly. Even after I got married I still thought I didn’t deserve such a handsome man.” Raven laughed and the church laughed, albeit uncomfortably, almost as if they were trying to suppress it. “He would tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved every part of me, but I never, ever believed him. It was hard to completely love him when I didn’t love myself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

  Raven looked down then up at everybody again, still confident, still sure of herself.

  “What a fool I was. But anyway, that’s all water under the bridge. I am getting stronger in my self-respect and love of who I am and the woman God created. I will continue to work on it, and God doesn’t want me or anybody else to spend time on self-pity but to move on and help others. There are so many people right here in this church who have the same feelings I had. So many young girls who are ridiculed because of their dark skin. Some people are not hired because their skin is a richer chocolate and not light caramel. On the other hand, some darker-skinned people make fun of light people. I’ve seen some young people calling them white and so on. It’s all there, this need for people to put others down, maybe to make themselves feel a little better.

  “I’m not going to take too much time, but I hope in time to start a young people’s forum or self-esteem camps to address these self-esteem issues that our young people have. They need to learn to accept who they are and also to learn to accept others. Not judge them because they are poor or rich or pretty.” She held her hands up to show quotation marks around the word pretty. “Who decides what’s pretty, anyway?

  “So I am thankful to all of you for listening to me ramble on about my issues. I love you all, and, after my mission trip to Kenya for a few months, I hope to be back to start a program, help our young men respect women and help our young girls respect themselves so they can be all that God wants them to be. Thank you, Calvary Worship,” she said. At this point Raven looked at her notes as she felt tears in her eyes. “Finally, I want to thank my mom. All these years she has always told me I was beautiful, that I was just a darker-skinned version of her, but I never believed her. I want to thank my father for being there for me, patiently waiting for me to accept who God made me. And I am grateful to my sisters who are strong women of God and my brother, PJ, a strong, respectful brother who I love dearly. Thank you all.”

  * * *

  After church Raven excused herself from her family and drove to the home she had shared with Amari for two glorious years. It was time to say goodbye.

  She stood outside the house for a few minutes, just staring, trying to remember the good times with Amari and to forget the searing pain of his betrayal.

  Before she went in a bright red car pulled into the driveway. Raven couldn’t believe it when she saw Candice step out of the car. Raven stayed where she was as she watched Candice pull a baby from a car seat. The infant was dressed warmly in a miniature pink jogging suit. Her curly hair was pushed back by a pretty white band with pink flowers. She looked so pretty as she smiled at Raven. Raven couldn’t help smiling back. She hadn’t met Candice’s daughter. What a sight she was, a miniature version of her beautiful mother.

  “Hey, Ray. This is little Aisha,” Candice said as she approached her.

  “Hi, Aisha.” Raven briefly touched the little girl’s garment, forgetting for a minute to ask why Candice was there as the baby gurgled delightfully. “Where’s Junior?”

  “He’s with my mother. Sometimes I need a break from the two of them,” she said. Raven nodded, feeling the lump in her throat. Was Amari with Lexie right now, shopping for their new baby? Would she ever have kids? Would she ever get married again? Would she even want to?

  “You must be wondering what I’m doing here, after all this time,” Candice said, looking at the house.

  “Do you have some magazines of Lexie to show me, or maybe something juicy to tell me?”

  Candice laughed humorlessly and shook her head. “No. I don’t know why I did that before. I’m sorry, Raven.”

  “I’m sorry for bringing it up,” she apologized quickly and gestured towards the house. “Want to come in?” Candice followed behind her and stood by while Raven opened the solid oak door. Inside the hall Candice glanced around.

  “It’s a beautiful house,” she said, looking up at the high ceilings and the living space ahead. Raven led the way to the formal living room and then Candice put Aisha down. She immediately crawled to the table and tried to stand up. Raven tried to figure out how old she was, but couldn’t remember.

  “I’ve never been here,” Candice said. “It’s nice.”

  “Thanks,” Raven said. She wasn’t going to elaborate on the fact that the house would soon be on the market, or say that Candice is the one who ended the friendship and not her.

  “That’s a beautiful picture.” Raven followed Candice’s eyes to their wedding photo. She realized she didn’t know what she would do with the wedding photos now that their marriage was all over and done with. What did people do with things like that when the marriage was over? She turned her eyes back to Candice questioningly. She had really wanted to be in the house alone without anyone to witness her grief, but here was Candice, sitting opposite her obviously with a lot to say.

  “I just came to apologize. I’ve been feeling really guilty,” Candice began. Raven looked at her, not sure what she was apologizing for. For disturbing her private grief? For ending their friendship and acting childish afterwards?

  “What are you talking about?”

  “First for not coming to your wedding,” Candice continued, keeping her eyes on her daughter as she moved around the lounge, exploring. Raven didn’t know what to say. She had completely given up on ever being Candice’s friend again. It seemed like there was no hope for them, but here she was apologizing to her.

  “I never understood that, Candy. I mean you just turned on me,” Raven pondered aloud. “I was very shocked and…hurt.”

  “I’m sorry for that. I was going through a hard time when your life was all about Amari and your wedding. I was mad with jealousy. I was so used to being the one who had everything, and frankly you didn’t. I was the one with the husband and the kids and my life was on its way up, but then in a few short months you had met and married a man who everybody wanted.
Suddenly you were no longer ‘poor Raven’ but somebody with a life and a great catch for a husband. Your life was better than mine because Amari was such a good man, unlike my cheating husband.”

  Raven nodded at what she was saying, taking the insults in just as she did in the past. “Well, now you are back because now I have nothing again I guess,” Raven interjected, feeling bitterness she could not hide. Candice looked at her, surprised. “I mean you only started talking to me when news of Amari and Lexie broke. Now that my marriage is completely over and I’m humiliated you feel that you can be my friend again?”

  “No! It’s not that. I was wrong to feel that way and wished there was a way I could get rid of the jealousy.”

  “So what do you want now? To gloat?”

  “No!” Candice yelled and her daughter turned to her, surprised. She had been entertaining herself with the small face sculptures from Kenya. Raven couldn’t bring herself to stop the child from banging her precious possessions on the floor.

  “Then what is it?”

  Candice sighed, touching her face and then her neck. “I just want to say I’m sorry. I admit I’m a bad person, but I miss you and our friendship.”

  Raven stared at her. She didn’t know what to feel. She regarded her friend of so many years. She wasn’t a bad person, just self-centered and spoilt. She had been so jealous it had poisoned her actions. She felt her heart melt, though she didn’t want it to.

  “I missed you, too,” Raven finally declared. She did miss some aspects of the relationship, but she still wondered how healthy the friendship had been. She wanted to start her life anew, and Raven wasn’t sure if Candice had a place in it. Only time would tell. Candice stood up with tears in her eyes and walked towards her. Raven stood up and they embraced. Raven didn’t cry. She was glad that she was able to forgive and let go, but she wasn’t sure if their friendship would ever be the same. It had been broken, and even if they glued it back together the cracks would still remain.

  Chapter 32