The Suicide Diary

by Rees, Kirsten

  Amy curled up on Nika’s side of the bed and I climbed in next to her as carefully as I could so I wouldn’t spill my drink but I still felt the sting of the hot liquid on my leg. I winched and tried to ignore the sting as I settled under the covers.

  “I hope your girlfriend’s not mad at me for putting her out of her bed?” said Amy.

  “It was her idea to let us share; she figured you needed me more tonight.” I replied.

  “I guess I underestimated her, she’s a nice girl. And thanks for letting me stay – although this is one situation I never thought I’d find myself in, laid in bed with you haha.” She said but her laugh sounded odd as she was choked up from crying.

  “Hey you can stay but don’t be expecting anything more, like you said before we are just friends.” We giggled as quietly as we could and that’s the last I remember before I fell back asleep.

  I loved the sunshine, the feel of the heat on my skin and being outdoors so much was bound to do me some good. Not every day was perfect of course, but it was easier not to think about anything while I was distracted with work and at least once a week, I found myself returning to the orphanage whenever Nika was busy with work rehearsals or sleeping. I came to know it as a happy place with lots of sad memories. I read stories in English which the woman I came to know as Agnese encouraged me too. The hours flew in as I sat in the shade of the large Cypress tree with the children. I estimated they ranged from as young as four up to around sixteen or seventeen but many of them didn’t even know their real names or where they had come from, let alone their ages. I would often spend the morning and afternoon with them and head home for dinner with Nika before we would walk to work together. It was a comfortable routine that I came to rely on and only now and then would something unexpected break that semblance of normality.

  It began as a heated argument but I recognised that look on the faces of the two men facing each other in the bar. Nothing was said but with their jaws clenched and bodies stiff and their arms held at their sides and fingers twitching I knew the signs. I moved to warn the manager but I didn’t make in time. The first man threw a fast punch which connected with the mid-torso of the second and caused him to stumble back. But he recovered quickly and returned the blow. People around them began to move away although a few stood either gawping in shock or enjoying the display of masochism.

  Violence terrified me to my core and my heart was pounding so hard if the room had been quiet you would have heard it. But the room was far from quiet, some girls were screaming in fear, one was crying and trying to pull at one of the fighters. I figured she must be his girlfriend or sister perhaps. But her tears fell to no avail as the fight continued. Jeers began from behind the two men and I watched as another man moved to try to get between them only to be grabbed by another. The friends of each man obviously saw this as a call to arms and glasses and pool cues were lifted to be used as weapons.

  It felt like minutes had passed but it had only been seconds and I saw the manager come running from his office and lift the telephone to call the Polizia di Stato.

  I saw the girl again in the middle of the crowd, trying desperately to pull the first man away. My fear for her overcame my own and I finally managed to move my feet. Pushing through the crowd, I reached for her.

  “You have to get out of here, come this way.” I shouted at her.

  “No, I can’t leave him.” Her eyes were wild and tears stained her cheeks.

  “The police are on their way, they will stop this and it will be okay. But you will get hurt if you stay here.” I said.

  She made no move so I grabbed her by the arms and dragged her to the edge of the room and pushed her behind the bar.

  “Stay here and do not move okay.” She nodded and I could see she was relieved to be out of it. The two other members of staff and the manager were doing what they could to get others out safely and break up a few of the pairs that were scuffling together. Chairs and tables had been pushed aside and knocked over and there was glass and blood on the floor. It was like a scene from a film and I could only watch as it unfolded.

  The sound of the police arriving rang in my grateful ears. Unfortunately the ones fighting also heard it and a stampede began as they tried to escape the arms of the law. The violence didn’t stop then, as some became aggressive and tried to break free or continue to take out their frustration on the armed men in uniform. It only lasted minutes until they were rounded up and put none too gently into the caged vans. I gave a brief statement and my name and contact details to an officer. I would be contacted tomorrow to go and make a full account of the incident. My shoulders slumped as I watched the vans drive off with far less haste than when they had arrived. The sun was only beginning to set as the late evening arrived and the manager placed the closed sign outside. My shift should have been over but I moved towards the bar to begin the clean-up. We worked in silence; I think we were all in a shock after the fight.

  “Oh, what did happen to this here?” came a voice from the door.

  I looked up into the shocked face of an Italian girl who lived near to me; her name was Carlita and she was the biggest gossip I had ever met.

  “There was a fight.” I replied curtly as if it wasn’t obvious enough.

  “Yes, it look very bad. You are not hurting though no?” she asked.

  “I’m okay really, just a little shaken up.” I replied a little kinder. Her face screwed up as she translated in her head. I’m not sure if she believed my words or not, but one look over my body and the lack of blood or bruising and she nodded and left.

  After a long, busy hour or so of cleaning, brushing and reorganizing the bar, I set off home. It was a struggle not to run home but I wanted to get myself in order before I saw Nika. I couldn’t afford to get upset in front of her, I think if I started to cry I might not be able to stop. Memories were trying to flood my mind and I kept forcing them back in my little box but it was like I had suddenly lost the key.

  Seeing the look in the eyes of the guy who pulled the first punch had terrified me. It was pure, blind hatred directed at a man he barely knew all because of a game most likely neither of them even played considering the size of them. And the girl, she made me angry most of all; her complete lack of self-preservation and disregard for her own safety was unbelievable. How could she just stand there and even worse try to protect the guy who started it all?

  Then I realised why I was so angry; it wasn’t even the girl, she was doing exactly what I had done. I had defended the actions of a man who was violent and I had had to be pulled away rather than leave of my choice. I stopped for a second, closed my eyes and focused on steadying my breathing. My hand searched for something to lean on and found the wall next to me. My body wanted to slid down against it but I couldn’t, not there, not after all this time. I forced open my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself and made my way back to the apartment.

  I wouldn’t take these feelings into my little bubble.

  “Hey” I said as I walked in to the living room and dumped my bag on the floor.

  I looked into the face of a very worried looking Nika. She knew already.

  “I’m fine, really.” I said. Brief and to the point. Her eyes scanned my face for a moment and then ran down my bare arms and back to my face.

  “I know, Carlita told me what happened. I’m making us something to eat so you can have a bath and relax and I’ll shout when it’s ready.” she said.

  She looked on edge but as if she was trying to hide it behind her smile. She knew I didn’t want to talk about and so she was acting as normal as she could. The table was laid out with plates and glasses of wine and I could smell something coming from the oven.

  She shooed me away and I stumbled towards the bathroom. I pushed open the door and stopped in the doorway. The room was lit by so many tiny, flickering candles and the bath was three quarters full and topped with floating petals. There was a glass of something, a box of chocolates by the side and fluffy towels restin
g on the end. It was so thoughtful I had to bit the inside of my cheek to stop the tears.

  I turned the hot tap on and let it warm the cooling water until it was almost too full and then peeled off my clothes and sank into the water. I lay there with my eyes closed, allowing the still hot water to soothe my tired body. I stayed there until I began to feel goose bumps on my skin and when I heard Nika call from the kitchen, regretfully I drained the water and wrapped myself in a warm towel.

  I sat and gratefully ate the meal, realising only then how hungry I was. The wine felt good going down and I hoped it would settle my nerves. Nika chatted away about her day and plans we’d made to visit a nearby town soon. She stacked the plates in the sink and left me to finish my third glass of wine.

  In our room I found her lying peacefully on the bed and I joined her under the sheet not caring about my still damp hair.

  “You can talk when you’re ready but for now, let me help you relax.” And with that she pushed my hair from my face and kissed me on the lips, her eyes looking into mine with no sign of the stress I saw in them earlier.

  When I woke in the morning we were wrapped up together still, which was unusual since I always preferred to sleep on my side alone. It made me uncomfortable that my subconscious was working from a different script. I moved as gently as I could to the other side of the bed but she began to stir anyway.

  “Morning beautiful” she said quietly.

  “Hi” was all I could manage in return.

  “Want some breakfast?” she asked.

  I shook my head and feigned dozing until she got out of bed. Once I heard her in the kitchen I finally crawled out of bed. In the bathroom I washed the sleep from my face and brushed my teeth until my gums were sensitive. I heard her footsteps behind me and lifted my head to see Nika standing next to me. I could always tell when she was nervous, she had this particular smile that I recognized like she was trying really hard not to bite the inside of her lip.

  “Last night I wanted to come to the bar as soon as Carlita told me about the fight but I knew you wouldn’t have wanted a fuss made in front of other people. I was so scared for you Nina.” she said.

  “I was pretty scared too.” I admitted.

  I walked back in to our room and started getting ready for work.

  “I care about you so much and I don’t want to lose you. Look I know this thing between us isn’t going to be forever and at some point you’re going to go back home to your life. I just want you to know that I will always be here for you.” she said.

  Nika knew a lot of my past but as far as she knew that’s exactly what it was and she thought I had learnt to leave it all behind when I had come here. The truth was I wasn’t returning to it because it was still with me, in those moments in between the distractions.

  Not all the time like it was before, but when I wasn’t kept busy or whenever I thought about returning home eventually.

  And then ‘eventually’ came sooner than expected when my whole world fell apart. My Mother was seriously ill. As I stood in the cramped phone box, I couldn't breathe and it felt it was spinning. I thought I was going to be sick or faint. I wanted to faint, wished desperately I could fall into unconsciousness and then awake to find this had all been a terrible nightmare. But I didn't and it wasn't. My little brother was on the end of the line trying to rhyme off long, unfamiliar medical phrases and sounded like he was reading them. My lungs screamed for air and I sucked in a deep breath.

  Joshua had left a message at the bar and when Amy told me I had to call home straight away I froze for just a moment before running to nearest pay phone. I’m not so sure if it was the similarity to that phone call I had had when my Grandmother was taken into hospital but I felt the terror stealing up my spine.

  "Nina, are you listening?" said Joshua “She collapsed but she’s stable now.” Every word punctured a fresh hole in my already damaged heart. I couldn't listen to any more, I had to be home.

  "I'll be on the first flight I can get, I’ll be home soon. Just tell her....tell Mum that I love her okay, will you tell her Josh?" I tried to keep my voice steady for the sake of my brother who was being so brave.

  I needed to hold her and tell her it would be alright. Why her, my Mother, why did she have to be sick? It should have been me, she was the most loving, caring, sweetest person I knew and I was hollow, a waste of a life. Take me instead.

  My begging became prayers in my head as I ran all the way back to my little apartment until I finally pushed open the door and stepped over the threshold. Sobs broke through my incoherent prayers as I sank to my knees on the floor, my arms wrapped around my stomach as if trying to hold myself together.

  I didn’t care about the discomfort as I crouched over on the tiled floor. I eventually cried myself out until I just lay listening to my ragged breathing and the ticking of the kitchen clock. The passing of time only served as a reminder of the minutes I was apart from my Mother and I pulled myself to my feet and ran to my room.

  When Nika arrived home, she took one look at me and wrapped herself around me. It felt like I was going to come apart at the seams. I had another twenty hours before my flight and they were the longest I’ve ever lived through. Only then did I begin to understand a little of what Connor must have gone through all those years ago. I knew then that giving myself to him, wouldn't even have begun to fill the hole in his life.

  While I tried to pack up what had been my sheltered little life, Nika made dinner because she didn’t know what else to do but she thought it was important that I had something to eat. Not once did she ask if I would be back or if I would call. Perhaps she was trying to make it easy for me but a small part of me - much later - felt maybe it was just easier for her to let me go.

  Amy came by to help me pack but mostly watched and cried as I threw everything I had haphazardly into my suitcase. Amy was the closest I’d had to a real friend while I was there, it wasn’t the same as the friendship I had with Kara, but she was a really good person and I would miss her. I had told her nothing about myself and she never asked and yet somehow we managed to become close and made each other laugh. I booked a taxi to the airport and sat waiting for the hours to pass.

  Nika went out to get me a few things for the flight and stopped in to the bar to tell them I would be leaving. I didn’t think I would be able to say goodbye, not really and so I wanted to write her a letter. By the time I finished, the floor around me was covered in pieces of paper with various attempts at explaining how I felt. I adored her so completely and she had made my life a little more bearable in the months we had been together.

  My heart tugged at me as I agonised over leaving. There was no question of my not going home but there was a small part of me that desperately wanted to stay there in my little bubble. I filled the letter with all the words I couldn't say in person, put it in an envelope and quickly sealed away the little piece of my heart that I had allowed to open in this temporary life.

  The airplane bumped roughly onto the landing strip and came to a grinding halt. The man sat next to me had white knuckles and didn’t let go of the arm rest until the engines completely stopped. I had always loved flying but I guess when life doesn’t hold all that much for you, the thought of dying doesn’t bother you too much either. It was raining. It seemed almost symbolic.

  My older brother Matthew was waiting in arrivals with Anna, who was at least trying to look at least enthusiastic to see me again. Matthew could barely keep eye contact but I could see his eyes were bloodshot. He was too proud to admit he was upset but I knew he was hurting inside. Anna spoke more than was necessary in trying to overcome the awkwardness of the situation. I answered her questions as briefly as I could and eventually we fell into an uncomfortable silence.

  It continued like that all the way home, up the drive and the stairs and through the front door of my childhood home. Then out of nowhere I was swooped up and spun around. Eventually the room stopped spinning enough for me to get a good look at my little brot
her. He had grown again over the few months I was away and his face had lost that childish appearance. He was still young in nature though, too young to grow up without a Mother and a Father. He was grinning at me but the smile didn't reach his red rimmed eyes.

  It was late by the time we got to house and Matthew and Anna went to bed to catch up on some sleep. They had been at the hospital since they got the phone call and they were exhausted. Joshua looked pretty tired too but he wanted to sit with me a while. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep for at least a few hours so we sat drinking hot chocolate on the family couch and whispered to each other.

  He didn’t know all the medical terminology but Matthew had already reassured me repeatedly that the worst was over.

  “Dad was at the hospital.” said Joshua.

  I made a noise that was supposed to be ‘what?’ and almost spat my hot chocolate.

  ”Yeah apparently he’s still listed as Mum’s next of kin so he got the call! When the house phone rang I wasn’t even going to answer because I was hurrying out the door but when I did, he was on the other end. I didn’t even know who he was and he was telling me I needed to go to the hospital. He said he would come and pick me up but I called Matthew and he drove us straight over.” said Joshua.

  “What happened?” I asked. I could only imagine Matthew marching in to the building and throwing our Father out.

  “It was like he knew what Matthew was going to say, so he just nodded to us and left as soon as we got there. To be honest, he was the last thing we were concerned about right then so we ran in to the room and she was just lying there.” he said.

  “It’s going to be okay, you know that right?” I said to my brother.

  Despite his twenty years and six foot build, he would always be my little brother and I hugged him tightly. In the morning I woke in the same position on the couch with Joshua slumped against my side. After the flight and then a less than comfortable night, my body was stiff and sore and it took a few minutes to climb the stairs to my old room. I quickly washed and changed and went back down to make breakfast for everyone.