The Suicide Diary

by Rees, Kirsten

  Alex woke with a start to the sound of his alarm screaming at him. He hit snooze repeatedly until his consciousness finally kicked him awake. He sat straight up, looking around for the diary. He eventually found it on the floor under his quilt which had also found its way there. Obviously it was a restless night. As much as he wanted to stay in bed and continue to the next part, he had to get ready for work.

  Normally lunch involved a sandwich while spending the hour chatting with his colleagues or checking emails for uni notifications, but today he spent it in the manager’s office with the door locked and his phone switched to silent. The perks of being friends with the boss also extended to moments of crisis. Alex pulled the notebook from his laptop bag and opened it to the page marked with a receipt from Starbucks which for the moment was substituting as a bookmark.

  I hadn't told my family about Nika and I wasn't sure I could. In the months I was in Italy I had thought about just living a lie and staying there together but to never see my family and friends, to lie to them, could I do that? And then the decision had been made for me. I had to focus on my family, my Mother. I knew I really shouldn't have had space in my head right then to miss her but I did.

  Matthew drove me to the hospital and then went to get coffee to let me see our Mother alone. Eventually the doctor came through the door in to the waiting room and I was allowed to go in.

  “Mum.” I whispered unsure if she was sleeping or just resting her eyes.

  Her eyes flashed open instantly. “Nina, your brothers said you had come home. It’s so good to see you.” she said.

  “Joshua called me.” I said..

  “I told them not to call you – I didn’t want to worry you, especially with you so far away.” she replied.

  “It’s a short flight away and even if I’d been on the other side of the world I’d have been on the first flight.” I said to her.

  “Exactly hunny. The doctors are taking care of me and there was really no need for you to come rushing all the way here in a panic and getting yourself all upset.” She took my hand as she spoke.

  I couldn’t help but noticed how fragile they suddenly felt. I think it was even more obvious that she was ill because my Mother had always been the kind of women to care for her appearance. Her body was thinner and paler than when I had left and there were dark shadows under her eyes too. For the first time in my whole life I saw myself in my Mother but it only made me feel worse.

  “I don’t understand why you would keep something like this from me. I’m a grown up mum, I don’t need to be shielded from bad news.” I said.

  “My sweet little Nina, I didn’t want you to know because you always worry so much more than you need to about everything.” She sighed and continued “When you were a child you were such a delicate thing and so often things would upset you, but you would never come to me even when you were so small. Your brothers seemed to take things in their stride” she said quietly “but you would always suffer things gladly for an intense period and then you would be okay again. I could only stand by and watch as nothing I could say or do would help, but I always found you managed to pull yourself through. I wanted to wait until I was out of hospital and then you might be less inclined to worry unnecessarily.” She ran her hand over mine gently and I finally took the seat beside her.

  She had collapsed with a pain somewhere around her abdomen area and the doctors had checked her appendix and were waiting on blood tests. After a few more days and when nothing untoward showed in the results, they put it down to stress and sent her home with strict instructions to take it easy.

  I had been home for a week already and my brothers and I had taken turns to visit the hospital. Since Joshua and Matthew both had jobs to go to, I went up the most and then did everything else around the house to pass the hours in between so it was at least tidy when she arrived home again.

  Since I didn’t have a job, I made it my business to be my Mother’s carer when she came home from hospital. Every time she sighed or made a noise of discomfort I found myself whipping my head around to check she was okay. Of course this drove my Mother insane and she complained I was fussing over nothing and that I needed to get a life.

  I had nothing else to do but make sure my family was okay. So I had the house running like clockwork with cleaning rotas and ordered food online so I could cook healthy meals for us all. For the most part I seemed to be getting under everyone’s feet, still at least it gave me something to do.

  After a few weeks of rest she was bored and one Monday afternoon she called her office and insisted she would back at work the following week and would work from home until then. When I suddenly had more time on my hands, now I wasn’t hovering over my Mother and brothers all the time, I realised I had barely been out of the house in the last month. They hadn’t needed me but it felt nice to be useful at least.

  Later that evening I read an email from Kara. Usually I read them fleetingly as if it were a story in a magazine rather than from an old friend. I’d tried to put a little more distance between us and not just physically while I was away. However, she had other plans. Her emails came in like clockwork, on a Saturday morning once a fortnight. I rarely replied to her group emails but she still included me for some unknown reason.

  Her life sounded so fun and unpredictable – while she was in her final year at uni, she and Graeme had talked about spent a summer travelling abroad. After finishing her degree she had wanted to travel, but the job offer had been too good to turn down. The dreams of greener pastures never really went away though, and eventually they both gave in and handed in their notice at work. Not too long after I had settled in to my life in Italy, she had sent me an email to say I had inspired her and they were off to see the world. They had backpacked for months around places I had never even heard of and then headed to Australia for their autumn where they had stayed for the last for the last six months. I had absolutely no doubts that Kara would have gone after her dreams regardless of whether she had met me or not.

  They had a beautiful apartment overlooking the ocean in Australia and the happiness shone through her words. For the past year, her emails had been full of adventure but this one was different. They were coming home for three weeks in October and she was trying to organise flights and pack in between work and sunbathing. I knew that she usually reigned in her joy when emailing me privately, but her words were so full of emotion and happiness and I felt happy for her.

  Looking at the clock Alex realised if he read any further he was going to be late for the second half of his shift. As tempted as he was to stay there and finish the diary, he knew he had let her have enough of an effect on his life so he put notebook away for now. The next two hours dragged in and it didn’t help that he had a class straight after work.

  Alex barely had time to shower and change and made it to class just in time. He shuffled along one of the rows and sat down. Pulling out the book again he settled in to read the next part.

  My little brother was turning twenty-one on October 23rd and yet it still felt like he was only five years old. Despite the narrow two year and a half year age gap, it always felt like he was so much younger than me. He wasn’t particularly immature, at least no more than usual for a guy of his age, I think it was more that I felt older somehow.

  Kara had arrived home and turned up two hours early for the party to catch up and help with decorations and food. She was and is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I was grateful she had offered to help me so my Mother could relax.

  I wasn’t surprised by the number of people who turned up to wish my brother happy birthday, he was well liked and our living room and kitchen were soon busy.

  I glanced over and couldn’t help but notice Joshua standing with Lucy talking quietly to each other. It was a shame she had a boyfriend now because they looked really good together.

  Kara returned with our drinks and I wondered aloud where Melissa had wandered off to. “Oh she’s flirting outrageously with one of y
our Mother’s colleagues. He’s pretty hot but for a guy in his mid-thirties you would think he would be able to handle a twenty-three year girl and yet the poor guy is hopeless.” she replied.

  Kara knew all about Nika and how hard it had been for me to leave my life in Italy; she was the closest I’d ever had to a best friend and yet somehow it was easier to tell her things when she was half way around the world when I could never really talk to her face to face. Perhaps she felt the same since she kept up the to and fro of our typed conversations. I often wondered to myself that if I had stayed at university and saw her every day or if we hadn’t had that year apart, if I would have let her get close enough to me to be a real friend. I asked her this once and she said that she had thought the same thing. Kara knows me better than anyone in the world, she has been a confidante, my mentor and I admit I often lived vicariously through her emails. When I was younger, the only other person who had known me really had been my Grandmother and that was entirely down to her observations and the knack she had for understanding me without me ever telling her anything.

  So he hadn’t been one of the people that she thought knew her best, or at least not at this point in her life. And yet Alex thought maybe she just hadn’t realised how well he knew her. He knew that her favourite colour was green, she loved ice cream more than any other food, reading was more than just a pleasure, it let her escape her own thoughts, and she especially hated horror movies. He could go on and on but it wasn’t the facts that mattered, it was the little gestures and ‘tells’ she had, that he observed and how he could tell how she was feeling. Like when she used to untuck her hair from behind her ear when she was nervous, almost as if she was trying to create a shield. Or that her hands were always cold even on the warmest days and when he used to repeat the saying about ‘cold hands, warm heart’, she would just grimace and change the subject and he knew that she didn’t believe that, at least not in relation to herself.

  12.Adam

  My phone buzzed but it was a number I didn’t recognise. One of those forward or you’ll have bad luck messages. I hesitated but curiosity got the better of me and I text back to find out who it was and received a response from Julia an old work colleague. I hadn’t seen her since I’d left my hand-written ‘notice’ in Mike’s office and so I fired back a pleasant enough message. ‘Hi, long time no talk, how are you?’ I enquired.

  ‘Doing well thanks, got a new job and going on holiday soon. How are things going for you?’ she messaged back.

  ‘Really well thanks, glad to hear all is well with you.’ I replied.

  ‘Yes thanks. What have you been up to?’ she returned.

  I sighed loudly wishing curiosity had killed the conversation and stalled a minute before replying. What could I say – certainly not the truth. To be honest I couldn’t even deal with the conversation, I wanted her to go away and leave me to my misery.

  ‘Just working away and enjoying the little bit of sunshine we’ve been having. Out having a glass of wine with a few friends now.’ I fired back the lie and hoped it would end the messages.

  ‘Oh sorry to interrupt you, hope you have a nice time with your friends! We should catch up sometime.’ she replied.

  I didn’t reply, there was no point, I had no intention of meeting up with her and I had already exhausted the pleasantries. She was a nice person and she didn’t deserve to have to hear about my drama. I put my phone back on the bedside table and curled back under my quilt. Everything had gone back to normal except me. My Mother was back to her top performing position at work like her time in hospital was no more than a extended weekend off and Matthew and Joshua were back to their usual selves.

  I’d gone back to working in the Gin Bar again and Joe joked he would have to fit a revolving door for me. Summer disappeared and the dark nights rolled in earlier and earlier each day. I’d slipped back in to my old, familiar routine of work, home and occasionally meeting up with Ali or Lucy and Melissa. When Christmas arrived that year it felt like I had slept walked through the year.

  On Christmas day once we had opened our presents and eaten dinner, we sat in the living room together and watched ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’. I looked around the room and wondered what their lives would be like if I had never been born. The thought of all my memories of my family being wiped away disturbed me. I might not want to live but I was glad I at least had lived until now. It wasn’t that there lives would necessarily be much better, but I didn’t really bring anything to their lives that would be any great loss either.

  Just before I went to go upstairs to bed, my Mother handed me another card. “It’s from your Father; your brothers got one too. It’s just a card, for now.” She kissed me then and went to her room.

  When I got to my room, I closed the door and sat on my bed. I tore open the envelope and read the words inside.

  To Nina

  Merry Christmas

  X

  That was it, not ‘love Dad’ or ‘Sorry I left but have a great New Year, from your ever- absent Father.’

  I placed the card in the drawer by bed since I wasn’t really sure what else to do with it. I wondered if Matthew might tear his up. It was the first acknowledgement we had had from our Father since he left, well other than the hospital but even then he hadn’t even spoken to Matthew or Joshua. I thought maybe he hadn’t written from anything because he didn’t know what to write. He wasn’t exactly winning ‘Father of the year’ but he was still biologically our Dad.

  New Year and my birthday were nice but uneventful and my little life probably seemed boring from the outside. It was the fact that it was predictable that kept me together and I was scared of rocking the boat. Unfortunately my Mother had other ideas and she had begun talking about Uni and suggesting careers every time we were in the same room. The more she talked about them, the more I tried to change the subject. Sometimes it was easier than others and it went on, back and forth like a tug of war neither of us was winning.

  When I told Kara via email she agreed with my Mother but at least was good enough to take my side. She was big on people following their heart, which was easy for her since her heart had led her to an amazing life in Australia and a great relationship. Mine on the other hand had got me hurt physically, emotionally and mentally, time after time and I was tired of it. Why couldn’t I just be allowed to be comfortable in my familiar little life?

  Kara said I still had plenty of time to consider all my options, but eventually I would have to change something. Maybe the first step was getting my own place again and it might help ease the tension.

  I spent the summer and autumn saving up as much as I could for a deposit and the first few months rent. I still had my boxes of belongings and bits of furniture in the garage so at least I wouldn’t have to start from scratch. In December I started looking for a flat with the idea of having Christmas at home and then trying to make a change in the New Year. I wanted somewhere not too far from home and realised how expensive everything had become. Or maybe it was just that as a student I hadn’t paid nearly as much and when I had my previous flat while working with Mike, I had earned far more than my two part-time jobs put together.

  My Mother came along to one of the flat viewings and ushered me straight back of the place claiming it wasn’t fit to live in. The drive back home was silent for the first five minutes and then it started. “I just don’t understand why you need to get a flat, there’s plenty of room at home instead of paying more rent to live in squalid accommodation like that place.” she said.

  “I think I just need my own space.” I replied.

  “To do what Nina, because as far as I see it you have all the space you want at the moment. You go to work and then you sit in your room and no one bothers you.” she said.

  What she said was true, but it stung, and I blinked to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. Thankfully we were just pulling in to the drive and I climbed out and went to my room claiming I had stuff to do.

  I had only just cl
osed the door behind me when it opened again and in walked my Mother. She had her determined face on and continued her talk as if we were still sat in the car. “Nina you’re twenty-four years old and I know you’re still young and have lots of years ahead to decide what you want to do with your life, but I want you to at least try something. You can’t just keep working in bars and sleeping all day, it’s not a life and you hardly see any of your friends anymore.” she said

  “Well I lost touch with some of them when I was in Italy and Kara left for Australia before I came home.” I retorted.

  “You’ve been home for almost a year, in all this time you could have saved up or used the money your Grandmother left you and gone to visit her. Or you could have travelled the world too, or set up a business like Matthew or done something. Just existing isn’t living Nina.” she said.

  “What do you want from me, I’m trying! I’m not smart like Matthew, or confident like Joshua, I don’t want to travel the world and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m doing okay, why can’t that be enough for you?” I begged.

  “Because you’re not okay, I know you’re not.” she replied.

  “Is this why Dad left?” I asked.

  “What are talking about?” she flinched then asked.

  “Dad, you’ve always said that I’m like him, so did you push him too, was he not enough for you either? Did he leave because of you?” I asked. Maybe I was just trying to change the subject like I always did, I didn’t know where that had come from and I regretted it the moment I said it.

  She opened her mouth to reply, but then a cry came from her lips like she’d been hit and she suddenly bent double and fell to the floor in front of me.

  “Mum?” I screamed and ran towards her just in time to stop her hitting the ground.