The Suicide Diary

by Rees, Kirsten

  "We all have regrets and making mistakes is part of growing up. The point is not to let the mistakes be all that we are." he said and it reminded me of what Alex had said about remember his brother for how he lived and not he died.

  “I was a bad influence and I knew you would all be better off without me." he said.

  That last sentence caught me off guard. Those were my own words, the ones I'd told myself many times - my family would be better off without me. There was so much I wanted to say to my Father, to shout all the things I'd imagined saying to him over the years but the words were suddenly stuck in my throat.

  My heartbeat thundered in my ears like a train closing in on me, but then time seemed to slow and the sound became more and more distant. The sharp pain had disappeared thankfully and I just felt exhausted. I said goodbye to my Father and went home feeling even more confused than before, but I knew if I decided to end my life it would be because I wasn’t strong enough to keep going.

  I tried to imagine being in his shoes walking through the front door, closing it behind me, so sure I was doing the right thing. In his own warped way he had believed he was doing the right thing by leaving. But is it a selfish assumption to think that those left behind will lead a far better life without you in it? That’s what people think, the word ‘selfish’ is thrown around so casually after someone take’s their own life, even Alex had heard it said of his brother. How could it not make sense that I just wanted to stop being in pain and end the drama that I brought to my family’s life?

  Is it easier to forgive someone that hurts us physically once the bruises have healed or the person who breaks our hearts even though that may never heal? I knew then that no matter what burden I may lift from my family’s lives by ending mine, I would still hurt them. My Mother loved me enough to let my Father back in to her life to help me in whatever way he could. For all my flaws, my family loved me.

  The only consistent things in my life are my family, my dog Oscar and the few friends I have in the world Kara, Lucy and Melissa and now and then I meet up with Ali and I’m still in touch with Amy now and then. They are the only people (and dog!) I have been able to give any level of commitment to. I know it’s all an act so no one knows how truly fucked up I really am.

  And then there’s Alex. He should be damaged, like me. But he’s not, he’s a little close to perfect. Unlike me, he used his pain to grow stronger and make something of himself. It was like some comic book in that he used his powers for good and light, while I turned to the dark and wallowed in my own misery, useful to no one and a burden on the world.

  The instant message popped up with a greeting from Amy.

  Trivial conversation lasted merely minutes before she got to the bottom of my reluctance to chat on this particular evening.

  ‘Do you like him?’ she asked.

  ‘What does it matter?’ I replied.

  ‘Well if you like him you could do something about it like try a little flirting – I know you remember how to do that.’ she fired back.

  “What would be the point? Liking a guy when there is absolutely no hope of him ever feeling the same is just setting yourself up for misery.’ I’ve had enough of that in my life, I thought to myself. Amy had less patience for my indecisiveness than Kara, but I sometimes liked her directness. On this occasion, I wasn’t sure if I was questioning her answers of my own excuses. I finally said goodnight and signed off.

  When they first met Alex found they had a lot in common but he was getting to know more of their differences too. Nina kept her past hidden to protect the ones she loved. She thought she was weak but that took courage to go through all that and not use it as an excuse or unload her problems on to others. He thought she had it backwards when she said she was too fucked up for him. Before he met her, he was living his brother’s life, pretending everything was alright, refusing to deal with losing him and pushing everyone away. He hadn’t allowed himself to enjoy the life he could have had, instead he did everything Will should have had the chance to– he’d lived his dreams for him and where had it got him.

  I tried to keep my eyes open - there was something I had being trying to think about, but the nagging feeling became less important as my eyes flickered shut and the dim room went black.

  The next morning I awoke and it was a struggle to open my eyes. I’d slept through most of the night, only waking when my dreams became too much. I climbed out of bed and showered, more of habit and hygiene than anything else as I had nowhere in particular to go. There was a text message on my phone and I was more than a little surprised to find it was from Matthew.

  ‘Hey Nina, I was wondering if you were free maybe today or sometime this week. I just thought we could talk. Matthew.’

  We still hadn’t spoken properly, he’s my brother and yet we’ve felt like strangers most of our lives but it wasn’t just since our argument. I know he is kind and good and I’ve seen the way he is with Joshua and my Mother but there had always been an unspoken line between us.

  What he did in his relationships wasn’t really any of my business and yet I’d felt so angry with him because he lectured me so many times on how to live my life and yet he had fucked up and really hurt Anna. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to see me, it certainly wouldn’t be to apologise. Whatever his reason, I was glad he had got in touch and I think for the first time in all the years I could remember I wanted to talk to my big brother about our Father. It wasn’t a subject any of us willing brought up in Matthew’s company for fear of prompting one of his moods. I had never once been to his flat, anytime we spent together was back at home, almost as if we needed Joshua and our Mother as a buffer. The times during all months since we had argued were even fewer and far between than usual.

  I text him to let him know I could visit today and started getting ready. His flat was only ten minutes drive from mine but it would have taken me two train rides and a short walk so I was thankful for the vehicle.

  When I arrived, he shouted to just come straight in rather than greet me at the door but I hardly expected a warm welcome so I followed his voice through to his kitchen. I had barely sat down when he spoke.

  “I know what I did to Anna, cheating on her, it was wrong. I’m not proud of what I did and I’m not trying to make excuses but we were a mess, we were arguing all the time, the relationship hadn’t been working for a long time, but we’d been together for so many years that I just didn’t know how to end it.” he said.

  “Matthew, it was your relationship, you don’t need to explain your reasons to me. I feel bad for Anna but it was her who deserved to hear all this at the time.” I replied.

  “She did, I mean not at the time, she wouldn’t even take my calls but after the months went by and she admitted how miserable she had been too, and she accepted it. I didn’t deserve her forgiveness but she gave it to me anyway because we were both stuck and too afraid to speak to each other about it. She’s happy now, like she was when we first met and I’m happy for her. We’re probably never going to be friends and I know I dealt with it horribly but I’m glad it’s over.” he said.

  I don’t understand why you’re telling me all this?” I asked.

  “Because it’s given me a lot to think about and the whole idea of forgiveness and what we’re capable of and I’ve realised a few things.” He said.

  I smiled at him, although he didn’t know it, it seemed as if we had both gone through a bit of a transformation recently. “You mean about our Father?” I asked cautiously.

  “Yes amongst other things. Nina, I know you and me never really been that close and I’m truly sorry for that. It was hard for me, you look so like him and sometimes when I look at you all I see is our Father and I’m ashamed to admit that I struggled with that because I hated him. I really should have been a better brother to you and I’m going to try to be from now on.” he said.

  “I didn’t know why you wanted to see me; I definitely wasn’t expecting that. I’m sorry too, it took both of us to build th
e wall between us and I know I didn’t exactly make it easy for you either. I know you were older than me when our Father left but we were all kids; it was hard on all of us.” I said.

  He reached across and hugged me and I put my arms around him too and we sat there for a moment.

  “I have something to tell you, it’s good news, it’s great and I wanted to tell you in person. I’m with someone, she’s…I mean we’ve been friends for years and it just kind of crept up on us.” He said.

  “Is that who you were with when you were still with Anna.” I asked.

  “Yes.” He looked down for a moment as if warring with his feelings of guilt and happiness. “It shouldn’t have started then, but truthfully by the time were…physical, I already had feelings for her and she felt the same. We’ve been together ever since and I’m in love with her, I think I have been for a long time. Her name is Amelia. And we are going to be family.” he said.

  “What? I asked, the shock registered on my face.

  “I’m going to be a Dad.” he said. “We’re having a baby and in about seven months you will have a little niece or nephew.” said Matthew.

  “I’m going to be an Aunt?” I said.

  “Yes.” he smiled “Nina, it’s hard to explain, this feeling when you know you’re going to be a parent. I can’t imagine anything in the world that would make me leave my child, but at the same time, I get it. I think it took me until now to understand.” he said.

  I knew he was referring to our Father so I nodded and let him continue.

  “I still don’t think it was the right thing to do but he didn’t just suddenly leave us for no reason, I think in his own misguided way he tried to let us have a better life without him. I grew up being so at him, but I didn’t have to deal with the consequences of having an alcoholic in our lives day in and day out. Maybe we got the better of two pretty sucky situations you know.” he said.

  “You think you could ever forgive him? I asked.

  “I’m not sure yet. I’ve spoken to him a few times now and it’s really been tough, but baby steps.” then he laughed. “I’m going to be a Dad!” and he smiled at me. I couldn’t remember ever seeing my big brother smile quite so broadly at me before.

  I reached out and hugged him again and this time he held me tightly like he hadn’t seen me in a really long time and somehow it felt like that too.

  On my way home I thought a lot about my two brothers and how different they were and yet they had both surprised me. I’d always known Joshua had a gentle nature and yet he been the bravest of us in wanting to meet our Father. He was the youngest and yet he was mature enough to come to me with his broken heart and ask for help rather than hide it away like I had always done. Matthew on the other hand, had opened up to me after all these years and I think we are a little closer now for it.

  I’d tried my best to help Joshua after his break up and I’d done what I could for my Mother throughout her, and now if I decide to stay then I will become an aunt to Matthew and Amelia’s baby. I’d closed off my heart to anyone but family but that’s exactly what he or she would be - I don’t want to be just a name and a person in a photograph that the child would never know. My family matters more to me than any suffering I could possibly endure. I would give my life for my brothers and my Mother, so could I live for them?

  I was two months overdue on most of my bills, although I’d managed to pay the rent to at least keep the roof over my head, the electricity had been cut off and my cupboards were bare. My lease had only a few months left on it and the landlord had already warned me I would be out by the end of it.

  If I didn’t find a job soon, I would have the choice of either asking to move back home or using the money my Grandmother had left me to pay bills when I knew that wasn’t what it had been intended for. The third option was going through with my original plan and then I wouldn’t have to worry about money at all. I suddenly realised I hadn’t even thought about writing a will to leave my Grandmother’s money for my family, I didn’t even know how the system worked if I didn’t have one.

  Walking unsteadily into the room I try to feel my way in the dark. I reach for the switch only to remember the power was cut off since I hadn’t paid my bill in two months. Something slides under foot and I topple forward. Something cold and smooth connects with my head and arm and I fall to the ground to the sound of shattering glass. I sit awkwardly on the floor with my back against the wall. My head feels suddenly very heavy and I have the overwhelming sensation to fall asleep but something in me tugs at my consciousness. I manage to pull my mobile phone from my pocket and hit redial thankful I hadn't had the money to be calling takeout lately.

  “Hello.” said the distant voice.

  Alex. His voice was warm and familiar and I realised I hadn’t spoken to him in a week and yet he was still my last number called. My thoughts kept straying but his voice pulled me back.

  “Nina, I can hear you breathing.” He sounded mildy annoyed.

  “Alex.” I breathed his name but it was a strain.

  "Nina, Nina what’s wrong? Are you okay? Talk to me, please.” he said, his tone changed.

  “I…fell…head hurts.” I said.

  “Nina I’m on my way, I’ll be five minutes, just stay on the line with me sweetheart.” he replied.

  He called me sweetheart I thought. I wondered why he sounded so worried, I didn’t want him to worry, he should be happy and with someone who deserves him. And yet he was coming to see me.

  “Alex…something…should have told you…” I stuttered.

  And then everything went dark just a second after I heard something hard hit the floor.

  I wake up and everything is white. There is a white light above me and it’s very still and peaceful. I wondered if I was in heaven after all or if hell just had a nice waiting room.

  My head felt heavy but I was very relaxed and felt rested. I couldn’t recall how I’d got here or even where was. The slow breathing of another person alerted me to the fact I was not alone. Alex sat on a chair to my left, slumped to the side and his eyes were closed.

  Then I began to take in the rest of the room, the needle in my right arm, the curtain around the bed half pulled back and window that looked out on to a corridor. It looked exactly like a hospital room.

  I watched the monitors for a while and listened to the gentle murmur of on goings outside my room.

  “You’re awake.” Alex said.

  I tried to whip my head around at the sound of his voice, but my vision blacked and I was glad I was already lying down. I didn’t want him to be here, as irrational as it was I wanted to hide so he couldn’t see me like this, so weak and pathetic.

  “Nina, do you know where you are?” his voice again.

  I nodded and then gasped as my head grazed the pillow. Clearly I had made a spectacular deal out of falling down this time.

  “I think you tripped and fell into your mirror; you bumped your head pretty bad so they’re running some routine tests. They couldn’t tell me how long before you would wake up, I’ve just been waiting…how do you feel? Sorry, stupid question. Can I get you anything?” he asked.

  My mouth was dry and my throat felt raw. “Water please.” I asked in a cracked voice.

  He poured some from a bottle in to a plastic cup and I sipped it slowly.

  “Is em, is anyone else…” I began.

  “No, it’s just me.” he returned.

  Since I’d gotten to know Alex, he been had proverbially holding my hair back during this sickness I’d been going through and here he was again sat by my hospital bed.

  “Oh right, thank you for being here, you really didn’t have to stay around, it must’ve been pretty boring hanging around a hospital for hours by yourself.” I said.

  “Nina it’s been three days and your family’s been here every one of them. You remember this isn’t the most comfortable place for guests, so I told them to go home and get some sleep. Everyone’s been taking turns to visit you day and night
but the doctors said you would regain consciousness in your own time.” he said.

  I had the decency to look abashed. Trying to think what had happened, I remembered feeling lightheaded and then the floor coming up to me in a rush. As everything went black I’d expected to see my life flash before my eyes like they say happens, but all I could think of was how many regrets I had.

  They kept me in for another twenty-four hours for observation but once I had the all clear I was allowed to leave. My Mother insisted I come home – “just for a few days” – and then she would take me shopping for a new mirror. Alex had said he would speak to the landlord about my lights, since the fuse must have blown. I said I would take care of it and changed the subject.

  After a week at home I was ready to go back to my flat and Alex came to pick me up since my car was still parked outside my flat where I had left it. When my Mother opened the door to him, she hugged him like he was an old friend.

  She insisted he come in for lunch and he walked in to the house like it was already familiar to him. After we had finished, he helped stacked the dishes in the dishwasher and complimented my Mother’s food. She was smiling from ear to ear and I just wanted a hole to open up and swallow me. I knew at some point in my near future I would be at the receiving end of a conversation about what a wonderful young man Alex was and how I should really make more of an effort with my hair, in her less than subtle way.

  "Oh I almost forgot, I got given tickets for Phantom of the Opera from a client, but I thought it would be something nice for you now you’re feeling better. Alex I remember you mentioned you both share a love for the arts.” she said.